“... And how did that make you feel?” The friendly light voice of my therapist asks. “I don't know I guess sad..” I respond quietly looking on to the ground my long purple hair making a shield around me. It feels like I'm talking to a principal or something like it. It feels like I'm getting told off or something but I'm really not. They're trying to help me but it's hard to see that people are trying to help you when.. I don't want to think about that. “Alexa..” The Voice says softly. the voice reaches out to me like a hand reaching out to for me to grab it for help. I look up at the face of my therapist. My hair falling to the side of my face my bang falling Down reaching just above my eyebrows. “You need to talk about it” My therapist continues As I make eye contact with her. I look to the side trying to avoid her eyes as I rubbed over top of the burn marks on my arm “I know I know” I responds mumbling. I can hear my therapist taking a deep breath before I I can see the corner off my eyes that she stands up from the chair looking over at the clock over the Desk. We're sitting on each side of a table in the small room There's one large window looking out onto a courtyard in the middle of the hospital outside of that there's nothing in the room but a clock and my therapist notes. “My time is up” I say quietly still not looking at my therapist “You're correct I'll talk to you next time, you can always call” My therapist light voice response I nod my head in response. I stand up from my great chair I look around the room looking at the cold walls painted white. It definitely feels like a hospital. I grab my bag from the ground behind the chair Putting my backpack on my back before waiting for my therapist to walk over to the door. She walks in front of me trying to look at me with a smile but I look away from her. She walks over to the door finally giving up on getting me to smile. “Have a nice weekend” Her nice light Voice says to me as I walk out the door and down the hallway. “You too” I respond quietly bowing my head down and looking onto the ground looking down at my feet as I walk along the hallway.

I look around from side to side holding my arms around me hugging myself. I feel so uncomfortable with the people around me I feel like they're all staring at me judging me. In some ways I don't feel like I deserve to be here. I don't deserve to get help. What happened to me was my fault anyways I think to myself I know that's something I should not say out loud but that's how I feel and think. I walk down the cold hallways finally reaching the entrance. It doesn't feel right that I'm here I'm not sick or maybe I am I don't know it's confusing I think to myself. What is sickness and what is health?

When I reach the door I grab onto the handle grabbing a tightly feeling the cold metal digging into my skin. I take a deep breath before I finally opened the door but walking outside Into the beaming sun. I take a few steps out the door looking up towards the sky it's beautifully blue with dotted clouds on it. I stay in there admiring the sky for a bit feeling the warm sun on my skin. I tie my long purple hair up in a ponytail before putting my hoodie up around it. I started walking down the street It's a quiet afternoon. A few people walk past me it is the hospital after all there's many people needing appointments and stuff. I keep my head down focusing on my feet as I walk. Focusing on walking in a straight line as perfectly as possible. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, so on and so forth It goes in my brain until I stop in front of the crosswalk. I take a deep breath closing my eyes for just a moment before opening them again looking to either side of me before taking a step out onto the road. it feels like my heart is going to pound out of my chest as I step out. I hate crossing the road. I try my best to focus my breathing as I walk over the road but now the worst part comes. I have to take the train. After crossing the road I take a few steps onto the train platform. My train will be here any moment and it terrifies me. I can feel my heart pounding harder and harder and I can feel my breathing start to get heavy. It's hard to breathe. I close my eyes for a second once again fighting back tears. I just wish there was someone here with me, someone who could help me take my hand and stay with me. But who would care, no one cares. At least that's what I tell myself. It's more comforting to know that I'm alone and accept that fact instead of dreaming of the days someone will come and save me. I take my right hand up and place it over top of my heart. I can feel my heart pounding against my chest. I try my best to slow my breathing taking deep breaths in and out counting each breath as I do. “1… 2… 3… 4…” between each number I take it breath in and out “5… 6… 7… 8… 9… 10…” as I reached 10 I opened my eyes again my heart began to calm down and I look around making sure no one is seeing me it feels like people are always staring at me talking about me I know it's not true but it feels like it. It feels like some kind of demon is always following me looking at me. I guess that's why I take my medicine. As I look around checking to make sure no one is looking at me the train arrives at the station.

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People gather in front of the train doors and I walk up standing amongst them. I look down at my feet waiting for my turn to step into the train. Out of the corner of my eyes I can see people moving in and out of the train. I wait until everyone else has entered the train before I walk in myself. I grab onto the handrail as I walk in the train. I have to grab onto something to keep myself balanced. I finally look up and look around to see if there's any open seats there's plenty of open seats, most of them are next to people. I take another deep breath. I can feel my heart pounding against my chest once again as I look around. I finally settled my eyes on a seat open away from most people. I sigh in relief as I walk over to it. I take off my bag and place it on the seat next to me before I sit down. I take a deep breath as I sit down. My heart is still pounding against my chest and it hurts almost. I can still feel the tears fighting back in my eyes. After sitting there for a short while the train hasn't even started moving yet I've turned to my side and started rummaging through my bag. I can feel my pack of cigarettes, my purse, some loose coins, my gum. Oh there it is! I think to myself as I feel my phone and my headphones. I take my headphones out of my bag and put them into my ears before I pull out my phone. I connect my headphones to my phone as I press Play on my music. I lean back in the seat turning my head to the side looking out onto the station as the train begins to move. I closed my eyes as I listened to the music trying to calm myself down. It's over now I think to myself trying to reassure myself.

After sitting there for a while focusing on the music and nothing else I finally opened my eyes I look out the window as it's what I'm sitting next to. I watched the trees go by fast. When I was a kid I always love taking the train. It was my favorite way of traveling. But now I can barely breathe when I have to take the train. But then again I almost get the same feeling when I have to cross the road. I wish it wasn't like this. But I just can't help but think of what happened. The thoughts I've had. And what I wanted to do. I can feel tear starting to form in my eyes as I think about everything. I'm always an emotional red after my therapy appointments. It makes me remember everything even though I tried to forget. I know I should talk about what happened I know I should think about what happened but I don't want to. It's so painful. I just wish I could forget everything that happened. My life would be so much easier maybe even happier. But my mind is holding me prisoner. People say it gets easier day of the day but I don't feel like it's gotten any better. I miss them so much. I can feel it here running down my face as I think about them. I wipe it away with my hand trying to calm myself down once again. This time not from a panic attack but from crying. I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry, I continue saying to myself inside my head. I try my best to focus outside of the window focusing on the world going by outside.

While sitting there just trying to relax and listen to the music, we arrive at stations one after another and before I know it my station has arrived over train radio. I can hear it announcing my station. I get up and gather my things, putting my phone in my pocket while still having my earbuds in. I take a deep breath before I walk towards the exit. I Wait by the door as I see us pulling into the station. I wait patiently for the doors to open looking out onto the people who want to get in. I take another deep breath before looking down onto the ground as I take a step out the doors. I quickly walk down this drain platform over to the station building. I need to get go back to the dormitory.