I sparked the lighter, the flame erupting from it I let is burn staring intently as it did, the cigarette that in my mouth I put close to the flame puffing in the smoke as it lights. As I see the warm glow of the Flame on my hand I turn off the lighter putting it in my pocket before taking my hand up to my mouth pressing my fingers against my lips before taking the cigarette and blowing the smoke out from my mouth. I close my eyes before leaning against the wall behind me. After a while of standing there with my eyes closed putting the cigarette in my mouth blowing out the smoke and continuing in a cycle I open my eyes once again looking at the cigarette it needed to be charred I char the cigarette before pressing the lighted end against my wrist looking up at the moon as I feel the sharp pain on my wrist. I take another deep breath tasting the nicotine on my tongue. I look down at my wrist again before finally removing the cigarette from my skin. I lift it up and place it up between my lips once again looking down on the burn mark. A nice round circle is formed on my wrist standing out from my pure white skin and blue veins.

I quickly put my hand in my pocket again, hiding my wrist away as I heard a door to the dormitory open close by. A group of girls walk out the door giggling, laughing and talking amongst each other. They don't seem to notice me standing close by as they walk the other direction. I am not very noticeable so it's of course understandable they don't see me. I'm wearing a black hoodie tucked over my long purple hair with dark blue jeans and a pair of gray combat boots. The only thing that's really able to be seen on me is my lighted up cigarette in my mouth. I'm standing away from the light over the door so it's hard to see me but it's easy to see around in the darkness. My eyes have gotten used to the darkness and the quietness. I hear the girls walking further and further away. I look away in the other direction making sure no one else is there as I pull out my hand again pressing the cigarette against my wrist once again I take another deep breath feeling the pain once again. I close my eyes enjoying the pain while listening carefully for footsteps or any movement around me.

Once again I hear a door open. I quickly put the cigarette to my mouth once again and my hand in my pocket. But I continue looking to the moon as a figure moves closer to me. I can see it out of the corner of my eyes as a male looking figure move closer to me. I don't turn my head to look at the person I continue to look at the moon while smoking the cigarette blowing smoke out my mouth. Halfway through blowing out a puff of smoke the figure interrupts me “do you have a light?” a deep voice asks me I turn my head to look at the figure at all person stands in front of me I stand for a bit just looking at the figure before the person smiles at me putting out their hand I shake my head for a bit before answering “yes I do here” without thinking about it I'd take out the lighter from my pocket with the hand I have just burned my cigarette on twice. My sleeve is covering the burns but curls up a bit as I reach my hand over it's easy to see one of the two Burns on my hand I look down at my hand a little surprised but turns my head away as the figure takes the lighter from my hand. I can hear the lighter turn on and off a couple of times before they hand back my lighter. I put the lighter back in my pocket along with my hand. We stand there in silence for a while before I finish my cigarette. A crumble up the cigarette in my hand and place it back in the curtain. I give the person a friendly nod before walking over to the door grabbing onto the handle tightly. I look over at the figure one more time before opening the door. The figure doesn't look back at me looking straight out onto the street with a slight smile on their face. They have medium-length hair tied up in a ponytail in the back. I look away as I walk in through the door.

I walk into the lobby. It's almost completely dark as it's close to midnight, I walk across it over to the stairs. I look at the ground as I walk up the stairs, my hand in my pocket and the non-burnt one on the railing to the stairs. The dormitory is almost completely silent, unlike the normal day-to-day. I walk up to floors up, I look down both hallways at the end of the stairwell checking if anyone's there before walking down one hallway to my dorm. I pull the keys out of my pocket and my hand is shaking as I put it to the door looking around and checking if anyone's there as I unlock the door. As soon as the door is unlocked I quickly walk in the door and close it behind me even quicker I lock the door behind me. I lean against the door after closing it, taking a deep breath. I take the lighter and the packet of cigarettes out of my pocket placing it on the little dresser next to the door. My dorm is not big It has barely room enough for my bed, my desk, my bookcase and my dresser. I take the few steps over across the room and lay down on my bed turning my head to the side looking over at my desk my computer is still turned on from when I left it. I noticed the fact that I haven't turned off my music I smile at myself and my forgetfulness. I'm working on a project for my psychology class pulling an all nighter like usual. I close my eyes just for a second I think But when I open them again the sun is hitting my face from the window. Barely being able to keep my eyes open I sit up on the edge of my bed pulling out my phone from my hoodie pocket. I look down at my phone looking, what time it is, what day it is, it feels like I slept for three weeks I think to myself. I had only slept for a few hours it was right before midnight when I accidentally fell asleep and now it's 8:00 a.m. in the morning. I turn off my phone and place it on the bed next to me before yawning loudly. A tear appears at the edge of my eye as I yawn I wipe it away before jumping off the edge of my bed. Better get back to work I think to myself taking a deep sigh. I go over to my small mini fridge. It's one of those tiny ones for Makeup and skincare and whatever But I use it as a mini fridge For yogurts And drinks and whatever I don't feel like interacting with people in the common room so. I grab a small energy drink feeling extremely exhausted still after sleeping. I walk over to my desk again sitting down on my chair finally turning off my music. I stretch my arms above my head before finally placing my hands on my keyboard trying my best to make my eyes focus on the screen.

After focusing on my work my phone goes off. I look over at my bed at my phone, I see that my phone is ringing on an alarm. I stand up and walk over to my bed Picking up my phone from the bed. I look down on my phone seeing that it smile alarm for my medicine “oh shit it's already that time” I whisper to myselfI didn't realize how much time has passed. About 3 hours had passed since I woke up and started working. I walk over to my dresser opening the first drawer I rummage around looking for my medicine it takes a bit before I finally found my two boxes of medicine that I have to take. I pick up and look at the side “anti-psychotics” I opened the package and take out one pill, Was my other hand I pick up the other box “Anti depressants” I take out another pill place them both in my hand and take them both dry. I swallow them hard they're rough against my throat. As I finally swallow both of the pills I pick up the cardinal of cigarettes and the lighter the nicotine addiction is hitting me hard.

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I put the curtain of cigarettes in the lighter in my jeans pockets before grabbing my keys and going over to the door. I stand in front of the door looking at it intensely before taking a deep breath unlocking the door and grabbing onto the handle. From outside of the door I can hear people laughing and walking around. There is a lot of noise like usual and I'm not excited to walk through it. I close my eyes and take another deep breath before turning the handle opening my eyes again as I walk out the door my chest first. I close the door behind me and lock it. Before turning my body and walking down the hallway. Inside of the common room to the one side of me I can see and hear a group of people talking loudly about a game on the TV. It might be football I think to myself. Unsure exactly about what they're watching. I finally arrive at the stairwell I walk down the two floors without any interruptions. The lobby is pretty empty since it's the middle of the day and the weekend. I walk across the lobby in towards the door I opened the door and walk outside I look towards the floor not looking around me. I finally look up as I reach my usual smoking spot but the person is there again. Since it's now daylight it's much easier to see the person I look up at them, they look down at me. They're midlengths hair is in a ponytail once again, In the daylight I can see that it's a caramel dirty blonde color. As they look down at me they smile with a friendly smile their green eyes shining in the daylight. I smile nervously back before standing on one side of him. I don't say a word I just stay in there for a moment before grabbing the curtain from my Jean pocket and taking out a cigarette. I place it between my lips once again before taking out my lighter and lighting the cigarette taking a few puffs quietly.

We Stand silence for a while before the stranger speaks The same dark voice as I heard yesterday speaks “Sorry to ask again but do you have a light?” Without saying a word I hand over that my lighter as I hadn't put it in my pocket yet. Without any interruptions the person speaks once again “It's dumb coming out to smoke without a light two times in a row huh?” I nod politely not not saying a word but looking around at my surroundings the city is much more noisy now than it was last night. Out of the edge of my eyes I can see the stranger feeling a little uncomfortable by my lag of response. But why should I respond? There is no reason for me to. I don't know them, they don't know me. Why do they even care that I'm here?

I look over at the stranger realizing I haven't been handed back my lighter yet. I said look at the stranger I realized they're wearing a T-shirt which isn't weird for the weather. It's pretty nice weather out but why it's important is the fact that I can see they're caramel skin is filled with cuts on their arms, most of them seems old but some of them are still pink and fresh. I stare at it for a while before realizing I've been staring. I shake my head and look away. The lighter is not important. I reach my hand down to my wrist on my other hand rubbing it softly as I remember what I did last night. I feel the shame that the fact that I have done it but at the same time it's what I do to let out stress and to feel something more than just pain. I guess that's what they're reasoning is as well but it feels weird being confronted with it like this. There are so many reasons to do stuff like this to yourself but are those reasonings okay I wonder to myself as a stand there rubbing my arm looking out into the Street. We continue to stand there in silence before I press my fingers against my lip and take the cigarette out of my mouth before I finally speak “I guess so” I respond to his earlier comment. Out of the corner of my eye I could see them reacting they almost jumped up in excitement at the fact that I finally spoke. They let out a small laugh It makes me smile I can't help it but it's nice to hear someone laugh for once not at me but with me.

A group of people walk up to the front door next to us looking over at us before walking in the door I can hear them whispering amongst themselves. Maybe it's just my thoughts but I feel like they're talking about me. I know my Anti-psychotics are supposed to help with the fact that I hear people talking about me but I feel like they still talk about me. I take a deep breath trying to call myself down remembering what my therapist told me. It does not matter what they say it matters what I think I tried to repeat in my head. I'm mumble it out a little bit. “Did you say something?” The deep voice asks again. I look up at them in surprise not expecting anything to be said “No I didn't sorry” I mumble out, It's easy to hear my nervousness on my voice. I put the cigarette against my lips again taking a deep breath Feeling the nicotine on my tongue and in my lungs. I take the cigarette out of my mouth and let out a deep puff. A big puff of smoke comes out of my mouth. “I'm trying to stop but it's rough” The deep voice says again. “mhmm” I respond politely with a smile. My therapist has encouraged me to stop as well but it's hard not to smoke. It's better than what I used to do I think to myself. I don't look distractly at the person while they're talking I know it might be rude but I just can't get myself to do it. I can hear my thought to start to circle around me “You're being rude” “They hate you” I shake my head to trying to get the thoughts out but they continued to speed louder and louder “They want you dead” I take another deep puff of my cigarette closing my eyes trying to think of anything else but the person standing next to me. I can feel my heart start to pound in my chest I wanted to stop I can't have a panic attack here. I'm close to being done with my cigarette anyways I can run up to my room and no one will care I think to myself trying my best to figure out some way to get out of this. I stop being able to hear the street and the people walking past as my heart pound harder and harder and my thoughts become louder and louder. I take deeper and deeper breath trying myself to calm down.

“Well then-” The deep voice says again stopping my thoughts in their tracks. They clap their hands together as they have thrown their cigarette away I open my eyes in surprise looking over at them. He looks at me even more surprise than I look at him. His eyes are white and he looks surprise that the fact that i'm looking at him. His eyes are a beautiful shade of green and his face is covered in small freckles along with the fact that his chin is covered in a small beard in a dark brown color darker than his hair color. It seems like he dies his hair since those two colors aren't the same but I don't get to have that thought for a long time before his voice again interrupts my thoughts. He gives me a smile before speaking “See you around” The deep voice bounces back and forth in my head and it makes me smile back. “Don't forget your lighter next time” I say half jokingly. His smile grows even bigger as he hears me speak. He continues to look at me as he walks over to the door gives me a final wave Before walking in the door and disappearing from my sight. I stand there staring at the door for a while Before I realize “He stole my fycking lighter” I'm mumble jokingly having a Slate smile on my face. I'm smiling. I'm actually smiling. I tried to remember the last time I actually smiled at a person. And we'll start I get horrible images in my head of what happened I shake my head trying to get my head to focus on anything else.