2104; soon to become one of the most significant years in human history. Since the early 2000s, technological advancements have grown exponentially more impressive--rising to solve everything from rapid climate change in the early 2030s to the shameless assault on the free market in 2091. Now, after nearly half a century of research and failed experimentation, the human race is finally able to do what many believed to be impossible: we have discovered--nay, created--the secret to immortality.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, D.A.B. Inc. has finally completed their development of the most ambitious project in modern medical technology since the adhesive bandage; Bugborg.
“What is Bugborg” you ask? Well, I can assure you it’s not something you’ll find crawling around your room when the lights are off, as most bugs do.
[Audience laughs]
Fortunately, these so-called “bugs” are entirely out-of-sight. According to D.A.B. Inc’s scientists, once these little helpers are introduced to your system, you won’t notice any change… at first. You see, the Bugborg are a specific type of intelligent nanotechnology that enters your bloodstream and spreads throughout your entire body. They do everything from keeping your arteries nice and clean to stimulating your muscles and nervous system to keep you in peak physical condition.
However, this is only the first of many incredible qualities! The Bugborg are not only here for maintenance, but can also cure anything from general discomfort to life-threatening illnesses to mental health problems depression or anxiety.
Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if these little miracle workers were able to cleanse us of radical communists as well as any other malignant social nuisance!
[Audience laughs]
That’s all for tonight, folks! I wish you all a wonderfully productive evening!
[Audience applauds]
Up Next: Patriot Beats Small Communist Family to Death on Front lawn With American-Made Baseball Bat.
***
Starting the day off with a fantastic announcement! Bugborg, the revolutionary new medical technology, will be administering this treatment to all warehouse workers first! CEO of Bugborg Inc. and genius entrepreneur Dick Likhens stated “these are the people who need it most; people who work hard 6 days a week to keep our country up and running”.
[Audience applauds]
What an incredible guy--I don’t think it would be a stretch to say he is more than worthy of the title “philanthropist”. This is the type of American we should all strive to be; hard-working citizens with big hearts and ambitious goals! Recognizing that anything is possible in the land of unlimited opportunity!
Prepare yourself, world! Here comes the new American dream!
[Audience applauds]
Up Next: Lighter Fluid; Strong Upper or Permanent Downer?
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***
Developments regarding the new Bugborg technology over the past week have been… interesting, to say the least. Despite the company’s history in both medicine and nanotechnology, anti-american globalist organizations are demanding that D.A.B. release the details of their patent because it created some “ethical concerns”.
[Audience grumbles disapprovingly]
I know, I know and I agree with all of you. The only “ethical” concern I see is greed. Other countries want to steal this new American dream for themselves--they want to come in and take what we have and what we’ve built, then leave us with nothing!
[Audience lau-]
[Audience grumbles disapprovingly]
W-... It… nevermind--we, the American public, deserve better than this. We can’t let our leaders kowtow to foreign powers; to invade our homeland whenever they see some shiny new development they like. They will try--they will always try, but I have something to say to them: they’ll have to take this patent from my cold, dead hands!
[Audience applauds]
Up Next: Fight Club Disbands After “Disagreement” Over Intense Three-Day Monopoly Game. Could This Explain Recent Market Crash?
***
Due to some… restructuring… We are unable to perform this show in front of a live audience like we usually do. Please excuse the uncharacteristic silence, and rest assured they will return once the issue is resolved.
This is probably for the best, as I’m afraid we have some unfortunate news to report.
As with all groundbreaking technologies, the first wave of this new transformation was met with some criticism. Complaints coming in from warehouse workers, reporting symptoms such as occasional feelings of intense dysphoria, aggression and an inability to focus on the tasks at hand. Apart from this, they’re all getting stronger and faster, which makes up for their general lack of focus.
If you ask me, this is typical of the working class. If you make things easier for some people, they get lazy and don’t want to work anymore. So they come up with fake illnesses to get out of going to work so they can lounge about with their equally unproductive families. Then they wonder why they don’t get promotions or better jobs--it’s ridiculous, really.
Do you think Dick Likhens got where he was by doing the same thing as his peers? Of course not! So why do you think you can just get through life by doing the bare minimum? We’re all fortunate that Mr. Likhens came from a wealthy family and was able to do great things with that money. If it were in the hands of these people, America probably would’ve fallen apart by now!
Sorry to end on a sour note, but I’m afraid I have no choice. Our only hope now is to fight those who threaten our freedom; foreigners and poor people. Goodnight, everyone.
Up Next: Money Does Not Make You Happy.
***
[Applause]
Welcome back!
[Applause]
Yes!
[Applause]
Yes! It’s wonderful to see you all as well! I’ve got some fantastic news for you! Are you ready for it?
[Applause]
Great! Then let’s get down to it.
According to our sources, many other news organizations are reporting on the select few who are having negative reactions to the new Bugborg program. Their attempts to slander Dick Likhens’ work, however, have failed, so the program will continue unhindered!
[Applause]
The next group to be gifted with the Bugborg are essential frontline workers--people who might complicate things by getting sick or taking some other unscheduled hiatus. With this, they will be able to work until they collapse--which will never happen, thanks to their Bugborg!
[Laughter]
But seriously, don’t let the petty concerns of dissenters dissuade you from this important upgrade. Whether you’re bussing our tables, parking our cars or fermenting our alcohol, you are important to us. Get your Bugborg implant today! Be one of the first, and you’ll be capable of easily surpassing all your coworkers--there might even be a promotion waiting for you, if you’re lucky. Don’t forget: all things come to those… who work.
[Laughter]
Up Next: Pro-Union Nut Job Fired For Inability to Complete All Assigned Tasks.
***
This is Channel Six News: All News. All the Time. Always.
I-if you haven’t already heard… it’s… it’s bad. The Bugborg project, which came under question almost immediately after it’s debut a couple months ago, has gone… just… just fuck it. I’m done, I want to see my family.
Don’t go outside. Don’t go near other people. For the love of all that is holy, don’t leave whatever building you’re in and try to make as little noise as possible. They’re everywhere--now, I’m going home.
No, sir you have to-
No, I’m going home, just put on a recording.
We have strict orders t-
DO YOU SEE WHAT”S GOING ON OUTSIDE?!? GET THE FUCK OUT OF M-
----->Err<
----->Err<
***