The sound of birds chirping woke me up the next day. My eyes fluttered open, and I looked up into the hazy morning sky, I noticed that the tree I was laying next to look different the morning light. I could swear it was an oak that I hit, but this tree was some kind of pine. My back ached, and my neck cracked as I sat up, but other than sticky pine nettles and dirt, I was clean. The blood that I was sure had caked my entire mangled body was gone, the damage the crash had disappeared as well. This must be the afterlife. I thought no fire and brimstone, so that’s good but also no clouds and pearly gates so.. Bad my thoughts organized themselves as I looked around, I seemed to be deep in a pine forest, pine needles, and pinecones littler the ground around me.

“Hello!” I called out as I stood using the trunk of the tree for balance, looking down, I noticed I was wearing the clothes that I died in; Brown work boots, old worn jeans, my favorite iron maiden tee shirt, and the leather jacket I wore while riding. It was colder in the afterlife, so I was glad for the jacket. Hearing no response from my call, I decided I should walk till I found… something angels, demons, 72 virgins in a kingsize bed all calling me master, whatever the afterlife was I hoped it was more than a pine forest.

Noting I was on a slight incline and not sure which way to go, I decided to head up the hill because what I remember of Sunday school was heaven was up above, and hell was down below. As I started my climb, I was surprised that not only was my fatal wound healed, but all my old soreness was gone too. My knee didn’t ache from the time I tried out for football in high school, the team decided that I should not try out next year, and I wounded up in hospital form a vicious tackle. Memories like that always left a bad taste in my mouth, and I never understood why people would flip on me so fast. One day their friends and encouraging me to try out the next day, they become hostile and violent like a savage animal. Stuff like that happens a lot to me, and It drove me mad some times. The only one that had stuck with me from high school to my adult life was Oscar, my cat, and even that relationship had soured, with him, eating my corpse.

The scenery hadn’t changed much in the hour that I walked up to the biggest hill in the universe. But the sky brightened, and the sun was shining fully now, but the limbs of the pines provided enough shade that it hadn’t gotten much hotter. Another ten minutes of trekking saw me breaking through the treeline into the morning sun and the last few yards of the hill. I spied a bolder that stood proud on top of the biggest hill in the universe, so natural trying to get a better look at my surroundings, I climbed the ugly bolder and stood straight atop it. What I saw was a vista of pine trees in every direction snow-capped mountains sat off in the distances, a vast flowing river curved lazily through the forest and around the hill I was standing on. Flowing from the mountain, I traced it through the woods around my hill and off into the distance, which is when I spied several slowly rolling clouds of smoke.

“must be a town or a village or a wildfire” I whispered to my self “we’ll I'm already dead so if it’s a wildfire won't die again, so lets head In that direction,” I said again to myself but this time with a sigh. Going downhill was much more comfortable, and with the fresh wind of the morning, I felt refreshed, and a smile came to my face. I didn’t know where I was or if I was dead or not, but something about these first steps made my heart thrumb with the excitement of something new. That all vanished as my foot hooked on a stick, and I was sent tumbling down the hill. Surprisingly I was fine just covered again with dirt and sticky pine needles. Grabbing the stick that dropped with me, I was about to toss it in rage, but as I ready my self for what would be a might toss, I notice that the stick would make a perfect walking stick. Straight, sturdy, and dry, I sighed and thought well fate had an interesting way of presenting itself some times the best things come at the worst time. I brushed my self of griped the walking stick in one hand and headed off.

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An hour later I reached the river, I was either making good time, or I had awoken closer to the river than the top of the hill. There was a small alcove in the bank that water was stiller than the running current so I stop for a drink, looking down into the clear water I saw my face staring back, red shoulder-length straight hair and deep green eyes sharp features and the soft fuzz of my ever attempt to grow a beard. I wasn’t ugly, nor was I the most handsome SOB ever seen. I was average, My looks and my attitude led me through a string of girlfriends that all said the same thing, ‘it’s not you, it’s everything else’ as the left. Only one girl that I dated for about a month gave it to me straight. She said, and my mind quoted, ‘look, you’re a nice guy, but you have a dead-end job, not many friends okay looks and one means ass cat.’ I had no idea when Oscar had been mean, so I thought she had made the last bit up, but the rest was pretty accurate. Taking a sip from the water, letting the cool water wash away the memories of old girlfriends, that to be honest with myself, I only dated because that was the social expectation of adulthood. I sighed and started my trek down the river.

I had started singing to past the time in my walk at the 7th rendition of ‘I’m gonna be’ by the Proclaimers, I noticed the sun was beginning to get low. I had been walking for hours now, and I couldn’t guess If I were going to make it to the smoke, I saw before nightfall, seeing absolutely no animal life apart from some birds here and there. Old me would probably think sleeping in the woods was a terrifying idea, but this was the afterlife if I were going to be attacked by anything it would of happen by now.

So I sat at the base of sturdy pine, trying to get comfortable. I considered making a fire to keep my self warm as the weather was proving to be a cold night. But I had neither the skill or knowledge of building a fire. So I sat shivering under the shade of the pine tree. It wasn’t long till I started to nod off to sleep, but every time I got more than five minutes of shut-eye, a new noise would wake me. The forest seemed less friendly at night, and for that fact, I kept my walking stick close at hand.

At about 3 am, by this time, my eyes were dry and probably red, I heard the soft sounds of someone talking, twisting my head this way and that to see if I could spy anyone in the predawn light. There was no one around. The voice went quiet also. Still unsure of which afterlife this was, I didn’t think it was the wise idea to try and sneak up on someone in the early morning. I waited till the sky was turning orange to get off the forest floor and start day 2 of my afterlife. Still following the river downstream for another 40 minutes, I stopped to take a call I got from nature. Zipping up my jeans, I heard the voice again this time. I thought I could make some words out.

“Hello?” I called out to the empty forest.

“Hello, is this thing working now?” a voice said from somewhere close by. I scratched my head at that, looking around to see if I could locate the source of the voice. Failing that again, I shrugged and kept moving. If the afterlife people didn’t want to show themselves to me well, then fuck them. Two more hours and no more strange voices, the forest started to thin, and stumps began to scatter in the woods. The stumps were made by man or demon or angel. ‘Did angels and demons have to harvest lumber?’. I shook my head at the crazy thought. Trees continued to thin, and suddenly I was stepping out of the tree line. The sight in front of me stunned me for a few seconds because out of everything; I was expecting this was low on my list. A small wooden fortified village, the smoke I had seen on top of the hill, was coming from chimneys. A wooden palisade surrounded the whole place, and only one gate allowed entry after crossing a wooden bridge. Long banners of red and green fluttered on the wind; some heraldry was on the flags, but with the shifting winds, I couldn’t make it out. That wasn’t even the most unexpected sight either; 2 men guarded the gates, dressed in what someone would wear if they were staring in a Kungfu movie. Stood back straight, professional like one of the queen's guard in England, but unlike the queen’s guard, I got the distinct idea that they would kill a dumb American -like myself- trying to get a rise out of them. As the stupid American, I am, I just stood there on a slight hill overlooking the encampment mouth wide open gawking.

“what the hell, afterlife!” I yelled at the sky. That turned out to be a bad idea because at me exclamation, the guards turned and spotted me.