I opened the church door and stepped inside, my body drenched in sweat that evaporated into hot air. I longed for a sip of cold water to ease this heat, and there was only one person I could rely on.

“Father Daniel! I need a drink!”

Father Daniel turned around, and there I saw his characteristic smile. He stood up and poured a glass of water while murmuring a spell that chilled the water.

“Hohoho, it must be scorching outside,” Father Daniel said.

His voice was hoarse, ravaged by the tobacco he consumed daily. Like a train, he always carried his favorite pipe wherever he went, and his body always carried the distinct smell of cigarette smoke that stung the nose. I often saw him lost in thought, smiling at his favorite pipe as if it could speak. I wondered what story lay behind that object, but it wasn’t my place to ask.

“It’s so hot!”

I walked over to Father Daniel and quickly gulped down the water he brought. Then, I handed the glass back and sat on a church chair, exhaling deeply as I looked up at the ceiling.

“Sebastian, how are your parents?”

“Mom and Dad are fine! They’re healthy!”

“Hohohoho, that’s good to hear.”

Father Daniel walked away from where I was sitting. He had a habit of not smoking around others, saying it was impolite and bothersome. I wish everyone thought like Father Daniel.

“Sebastian, why do you come to church so often?”

My eyes widened. This was the first time Father Daniel had asked me such a question.

“Uh, it’s cool here, and Father Daniel has cold water.”

“Is that all?”

Somehow, I felt pressure from his question. I can feel hie eyes pierced through my eyes and expecting another answer, but what answer can I give to him at this moment. I went to the church just because I wanted to and out of obligation to god who have resurrected me to this world, it’s like a payback, payment for the kindness that god has done to me in the past.

“I also believes that God will reward me for being diligent in worship.”

Father Daniel laughed, then said, “How interesting. So, you’re only expecting a reward from God?”

“Yes... maybe?”

“A noble reason for a child. Never forget that.”

Tobacco smoke escaped from Father Daniel’s mouth as he gazed intently at the church symbol behind the altar. I wondered what was on his mind. There seemed to be a complexity radiating from his eyes.

“Father Daniel.”

“Yes?”

“Why did you become a Father?”

A cough escaped him. After it subsided, he looked at me and said, “I don’t even know the answer to that question. I’d like to believe it’s because I wanted to devote myself to God, but as I grow older, that reason sounds... strange.”

“Strange? Why strange?”

“Why would I devote myself to God? Who am I, this arrogant person, to think I can dedicate myself to an entity capable of everything? What can I offer or do to serve such a magnificent being?”

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“Don’t we pray and do good deeds for God?”

Father Daniel exhaled a long puff of smoke from his lungs, then approached me and gently patted my head.

“That’s a question you must answer for yourself. Why do we pray? Why do we do good? Why do we follow God’s commandments written in the holy scriptures? Only you can answer that.”

I didn’t understand what Father Daniel meant. Theology wasn’t something I grasped now, nor in my past life. Back when I was still named William, I hardly ever attended church. I could even be called an agnostic who believed in God but wasn’t bound by religious norms. On that unforgettable night, I couldn’t believe that the figure sitting before me was the Angel of Death itself.

“You’re a smart boy, Sebastian. Now, go play with your friends. There’s nothing interesting about talking to an old man like me.”

“No, I enjoy talking with you, Father Daniel.”

“Hohohoho, thank you for cheering me up.”

I stood up and walked toward the church door. I wished I could have more conversations like this with Father Daniel. There was so much about God and theology I wanted to learn.

“Sebastian.”

“Yes, Father Daniel?”

I could see him looking at me, his mouth opening as if to say something, but he swallowed his words and simply smiled, shaking his head.

“No, go play outside.”

I opened the church door and stepped out, then glanced back at Father Daniel through the closing gap. I saw him inhaling tobacco smoke alone.

*

The sky turned yellow as the sun began to hide behind the western horizon. The cold air signaled that it was time to go home, so I said goodbye to my friends and headed back. As I walked alone, I saw soldiers returning in droves. Amid the crowd, I spotted my father carrying something.

“DAD!”

I ran toward him, and he lifted me high into the air, then carried me while wiping the dust off my cheeks. I could hear some soldiers saying hello to me and my dad, my some other laugh at me seeing how close I am with my father.

“How was playtime today?”

“Spectacular!”

“Spectacular?! Hahahahaha, where did you learn that word?”

“From books and stories!”

“My son is so clever!”

Dad lifted the bag he was carrying and showed me its contents: a few books and a small wooden practice sword.

“When we get home, we’ll practice swordsmanship!”

Dad carried me home and set me down in the backyard. He then unpacked the bag, revealing its contents one by one.

“Here are two manuals: ‘Imperial Swordsman Standard,’ which the soldiers in this city use. There are two versions—one for longswords and another for sword and shield.”

I stared at the books with overwhelming excitement. Finally, I would learn to wield a sword like the fantasy heroes I read about. Maybe I could become a famous swordsman or even the strongest in the world, saving the country from ruin and defeating evil with flair! Imagining myself becoming a hero already make my heart pumped with excitement, I can’t want to master this swordsmanship and show myself off to the world!

“Which one are you learning, Dad?”

“I’m learning the longsword, but I also have some skill with the sword and shield.”

“Whoa, cool!”

Dad lifted his head high and puffed out his chest, looking incredibly confident, his head seemingly swelling with pride.

Using a greatsword or a sword and shield—both had their pros and cons. In video games, greatswords usually dealt high damage but were weak in defense, while sword and shield offered decent defense but lower attack power. It seemed I could apply gaming logic to these fighting styles.

“Sword and shield.”

“Sword and shield? Okay, grab the practice sword and shield, and let’s learn!”

I picked up the wooden sword and shield from the ground and gripped them tightly, but a strange feeling stirred within me. Every time I looked at the wooden sword in my hand, I felt... odd. My throat went dry, and my chest tightened. I had never held a sword before, and I didn’t know why I felt this way.

“Now, try to stab or slash at me with that sword.”

Dad took a stance, ready to receive my attack, but I... I didn’t know... stab? Slash? I... I wasn’t sure if I could. My body trembled violently, and memories of my past life flooded back. The cuts and stabs of surgical knives tearing through my body felt vivid again. The thought of stabbing or slashing someone suddenly made me nauseous, and I vomited onto the ground.

“Sebastian?!”

I heard something fall in the distance, then felt my mother’s arms wrapping around me as she wiped my face and head.

“Are you okay?!”

I looked at the wooden sword still in my hand and threw it far away. The shadows of my memories returned every time I saw that object. I... I didn’t want to hold a sword or stab or slash anyone. I didn’t want to!

I turned to where my father stood and saw his shocked and confused expression. My mother carried me to my room, and Dad followed behind. My body still trembled as if I were standing in a snowstorm. Mom laid me on the bed and pulled the blanket over me.

“What did you do to Sebastian?!”

“Huh... Nothing... nothing! He suddenly started shaking and vomited. I don’t even know what happened!”

Mom kept stroking my face until I calmed down a little. Meanwhile, Dad seemed deep in thought. He looked outside and stared at the wooden sword I had thrown away. Then, he glanced at me and quickly turned his face away. I had never seen such a disappointed look in his eyes before. He walked out of my room and closed the door gently.