CHESHIRE GETS TORTURED

Rule one of monsters: You didn’t kill it; you didn’t even hurt it. I don’t care what sort of spell or grenade you chucked right down its throat; it is perfectly fine. Or worse, it isn’t perfectly fine, and now it’s mad. If you are ever in a situation where you need to chuck out your strongest trump card, assume it does nothing, and run. Don’t even wait to see if it hits, just use it as a distraction while you get the hell out of there.

Those were the words written across the top of the test I was meant to take to become a bagger. Basically, a pack mule. I was in a room with a bunch of other perspective adventurers and baggers taking a test, although it was mostly adventurers. I was taking the bagger test, which was a lot harder than the adventurer test, although the adventurer test also took into account a tough practical combat exam, and applicant’s blessings were taken into account. With a bagger, there weren’t many blessings that influenced performance, aside from a stamina blessing, or maybe a recovery or endurance blessing, but those were all also useful for adventurers. Most people became adventurers rather than becoming baggers. It made sense, it was called the Adventurer’s Guild and not the Bagger’s Guild. I looked at the first question. What are the four monster ranks, and what should you do upon encountering each one, assuming you are assigned to a C-ranked team? This… isn’t a hard question. The rule of thumb is two adventurer ranks for every monster rank. The monster ranks are iron bronze silver, gold, and theoretically diamond. The adventurer rankings are D, C, B, A, and S. this means, a D-rank team may be able to handle an iron rank monster but will be killed utterly by a bronze, A C-rank team can handle an iron rank monster, and might be able to beat a bronze, but likely with heavy casualties. A B-rank team can candle a bronze rank monster, but not a silver. An A-rank team might be able to handle a silver but it’s unlikely. While an S rank team can handle a silver rank monster. Gold rank monsters… they are a problem, Only the greatest of great S rank teams can even have a chance at beating one. Gold rank monsters include things like slimes, dragons, and demi-elds. Slimes being nearly indestructible mindless killing machines. Dragons being… well… dragons. And Demi-elds, being odd creatures with human level intelligence, and strange universe warping powers, not to mention they radiate insanity… like literally. Either way, I wrote down my answer, and moved onto the next question.

If you and your team (C-rank) come across these two paths, (see fig.1 and fig.2) which should you choose? I glance at the path, immediately notice the dread maw, and write down my answer. “I would take note of the dread maw, mark the location of it on the GPS, and return to the city immediately to report it.” Dread maws are a species of drake, large wingless dragons, they are silver rank and if one is in the forest, it is definitely a large problem. Interestingly enough this was actually a trick question. While dread maws are massive, they disguise themselves well, if someone taking this test isn’t paying attention, they would probably notice the spin nettle on the other path. And take the path with the dread maw. A spin nettle being a plant that will, upon approach, begin launching paralyzing venomous needles, rapidly. Was this really all they had for these tests?

I frowned down at the test. At this moment there was not a single person in this world I hated more than the young woman who had signed her test with the name Cheshire Limington in neat handwriting. Normally the bagger test had few applicants. This was to be expected, no one wanted to be a pack mule if they could help it. People were drawn in by the fantasy and glory of being an adventurer, the Adventurer’s Guild has so carefully harnessed. The real difference was the phonebook of a waiver we made those young fools sign. The main problem was this application. It was a perfect score; hell, it wasn’t just a perfect score it was beyond perfect. The answers were detailed, specific, and above all, correct. Alluding to someone who may have specifically studied to be a bagger rather than to be an adventurer. The problem was just that, we couldn’t afford to send such a trove of knowledge out there as a bagger. Sure, she had no blessings, but it didn’t take a blessing to pull a fucking trigger. But she’d specifically applied for the bagger exam. I scowled at the test. I’d scored it myself. Out of one hundred possible points, where passing was eighty, she’d gotten a score of one-hundred twenty-eight. The fact that her ability broke the scoring mechanism was a testament to how much she must know. I reached over to the phone built into my desk out of sight of anyone on the other side, had to keep up that fantasy image, and dialed my secretary. He answered almost before it could start ringing. “Yes Sir?” he said, voice calm, confident, and a little nasal. “Call her in,” I said. “Yes Sir,” he said, before ending the call with a click. The girl would be here within five minutes. My secretary, Moore, had a way of being excellent at everything.

As predicted, after about three minutes there was a quick knock on the door. “Enter,” I said. Moore pushed it open, ushered the girl in, nodded his head to me, and left. The girl looked at me, face a little red. She was nervous, that was understandable, but acceptable. “Take a seat,” I said. She crossed the room and sat in one of the chairs at the other side of my desk. “You’re Cheshire Limington I presume?” I asked. She nodded. “Now, why did you apply to the Adventurer’s Guild?” She looked around the room, before answering. “A friend said I should,” She answered, simply. “And is that it?” She nodded. I let the room fall silent for several long seconds. “This test,” I said, tapping it with a finger, “Do you know how they are scored?” She nodded. “Score out of one hundred, where eighty is passing.” I nodded. “And do you know what you scored?” She shook her head. “One hundred twenty-eight. With a score like that, you could become an adventurer, not just a bagger,” I said, but she shook her head firmly. “No, I’m fine.” I frowned. Everyone wanted to be an adventurer, well everyone but her apparently. “May I ask why?” She reached over and tapped a finger on the test. “I know enough about monsters to know I don’t want to fight them. They are fundamentally stronger than us, to the point where the strongest adventurer to ever live, Ilphons Aaron, could only barely take out a silver rank monster on his own and ignoring branch ranks, there are two ranks above silver, both an order of magnitude stronger than the previous. So, what’s so good about trying to fight that? Monster ranks get stronger exponentially, adventurer ranks get stronger linearly, and not to mention, monster ranks aren’t the best tell on a monster’s strength, a blade worm and a lock jaw are both bronze rank monsters. But while a lock jaw can kill just about anything given enough time, it’s no match for the speed and efficient killing power of a blade worm. The fact is, no one person is strong enough to fight monsters, that’s why we fight them in teams, because monsters are so much more powerful than humans.” I looked at the young woman across from my desk. I sighed, I grabbed a sheet of paper and quickly signed it. “You’re assigned to Toad Eaters, if you need to stay here take this paper to the dorms, report to the yard for training at the time on the paper,” I said. She smiled, taking the paper from me, and leaving the room. I sighed… such a waste.

I wandered haphazardly around the Adventurer’s Guild, trying to figure out the building. I also wanted to find my new team if I could. To be fair they may not be here, but…. Actually, what kind of team name is Toad Eaters? Can’t you have something decent like, Work Saw, Horns of Hammerad, hell Team Biscuit is better than goddamn Toad Eaters. I turned to the entry hall with the receptionists with the slightly low-cut uniforms. Like… it was reasonable, but it wasn’t something I would wear… maybe I was being unreasonable, but… I sighed. I entered the entry hall and stood in line behind a group of people dressed like they were ripped from the pages of a fantasy novel. That was to be expected here, it was how all the adventurers dressed. There was a man with a broadsword, a man with a great sword, another man dressed in black with a rapier, a woman who was dressed in witch cosplay, wand included, and of course a bagger. Which was just someone with a large backpack along with a belt filled with useful items. Soon enough it was my turn and I walked up to the woman at the counter with the single fakest-looking smile I’d ever seen. “Hello, what can I help you with?” she said, leaning onto the counter. I re-evaluated my conclusion on the cut of the uniforms. “Hi, I was assigned to a team, and I want to know where I can find them,” I said, in that pathetic uncertain way you asked service workers for things. Somehow her smile widened and looked even more fake. Did she have some kind of blessing? Which God hands out fake smile blessings? “Ah, I see well the mess hall is a good bet. Usually, teams eat there when they are here. Coincidentally lunch is in forty-five minutes, if you don’t mind the wait,” she said… okay how is the smile still getting less authentic? This is actually impressive. I definitely mind the wait; I don’t want to stand around for…. “I don’t mind, where’s the mess hall?” Damn it, me. “Oh wonderful,” she says. And against all known laws of aviation, and quantum physics… but possibly within the laws of quantum biology: The smile, gets less authentic.

And so, I find myself waiting in the empty mess hall while the somewhat concerned staff come by every now and again to ask if I need anything, but mostly to tell me lunch isn’t for another half-hour. I begin playing games on my phone while I wait. It feels a little sacrilegious with the whole fantasy setting of the Adventurer’s Guild, but… eh, I’m bored. Finally, people begin to arrive, so I begin the unpleasant task of assaulting every single group that walks in and asking them what team they are. All of them have normal team names, things that are overdramatic, and come right out of some teenage power fantasy…. All 300x better than Toad Eaters. I should ask why they are named that when I see them. I looked at the paper I’d been awkwardly dribbling along with me since the meeting, that ended about an hour and a half ago. I forfeited and just decided to get myself something to eat, while I was in line several more groups came in. I passively noted them, and once I finished collecting my food, I wandered around to each table they had sat at while the designated food courier of their party, usually the bagger, went to the line to get the food. While I was doing that, even more groups showed up. I wandered around asking for the names of groups for so long they were all starting to fuse together. “We’re Dragon Hunters, Hunters of Defiance, Defiance of Demons, Demon Eaters, Dragon Eaters, Titan Eaters, Toad Eaters, Gryphon… wait a minute. I left Gryphon Hunters and returned to the last table.

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“Wait… you’re Toad Eaters?” I asked, double checking that my liquified brain wasn’t just bubbling nonsense. “Yeah… we just told you that,” said a man with a humorous smirk on his face. “Oh, thank Lumina,” I said, feeling a release of stress so powerful I could hardly believe it. The man arched an eyebrow. “I’ve been looking for you guys for the past… (I checked my phone) …two hours,” I said. He snickered. “Well, I’m glad you found us, I guess. You our new bagger?” He asked. I nodded. “Cheshire Limington,” I said extending my hand. He extended his and shook it firmly. I looked around the table. He was dressed like a normal person, in a t-shirt and jeans, A surprising rarity in this place where everyone dressed like this was a cosplay convention, the only unusual thing was that he was heavily muscled. He had short brown hair and a friendly demeanor. I looked at the next person, it was another man, he was dressed like a weirdo… well for this place he was dressed normally, which made me suppose I was dressed weirdly. Huh… anyways, he was still fit, but not as much as the other guy. He had black hair and seemed nice enough. Next there was a girl dressed in an intricate white and yellow dress, she had blonde hair and was overdoing her makeup with a portable makeup case, the salad in front of her completely untouched. She still waved at me, in a way that could be perceived as friendly or indifferent. Lastly there was a girl dressed in all black, she was curled up in what looked like a fetal position. She was the only one at the table with a weapon. Well, she had two, two long curved swords that looked like scimitars, they were sheathed so I couldn’t tell. She was glaring daggers at her lunch. Which was… upon a tray, there was a plate, upon the plate there was a fork and knife, and in betwixt the two, there was a single, red,

apple. “So, let me guess,” I said. “You’re the defender, (I pointed at the muscular man,) You’re the damage dealer, (I pointed at the other man) You’re the mage (This time the woman in bright colors) and you’re the scout,” I finished with the girl who was glaring at the fruit like it killed her father, and for this, she was going to skewer it with a rapier.

The muscular man laughed, so did everyone else except for the dark girl. “Let’s actually introduce ourselves. I’m James, I’m the mage,” Said… the muscular man, “I’m Nathanial, I’m the defender,” said the other man. “I’m the scout, you may call me Erianna,” said the girl dressed in bright colors, her tone slightly made me want to strangle her, but it was… fine. The dark girl said nothing. But James spoke up for her. “That’s Goose, she’s the monster equivalent to a paper shredder.” “What kind of name is Goose? Actually, never mind that, what kind of name is Toad Eaters?” I asked. The men chuckled. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is the team they assign all the weirdos to,” Nathanial said. I snickered and sat down next to Erianna, who scooted closer to Goose to make room for me. “Yeah, I completely screwed that up,” I said. “Utterly,” Erianna said from beside me. “So, what’s the deal with Goose? is she mute?” I asked. Suddenly, everyone at the table, sighed in unison… well everyone but Goose, she just continued glaring at the apple. “Yeah… she can talk, just don’t expect her to,” Nathanial said. “We thought she couldn’t talk for about two months when she first joined, until she finally said something,” James said. “Of course, it was an insult,” Erianna said. “Erianna was trying to spar with her for an entire day, and after consistently kicking her ass the (“Hey, she didn’t kick my ass! Some of those were close.”) Okay so after beating her the whole day do you know what she said?” Nathan asked. “What?” “You’re too weak,” Erianna exclaimed, sounding a little exasperated. “Really?” I asked, now looking at the girl a little warily. “She’s not that bad, she’s probably the one reason we’re a C-rank team in the first place,” James said. Everyone nodded. “She’s actually A-rank, but she got kicked from her team for… well… being her,” Nathan said. I nodded, looking back at Goose. She seemed like she couldn’t hear the conversation; she was still glaring at the apple… core. When did she eat it? How had she eaten it so quietly? “Honestly, we wouldn’t even know her real name if she hadn’t had to sign it on her application. Her real name’s Jackie just so you know,” “Then why do you call her….” I was interrupted when Goose suddenly stood from her seat, standing on the bench. She stepped onto the table, walked across it, leapt neatly over Nathan, and walked off. “Okay… what the fuck was that?”

I walked back home, legs feeling like jelly, apparently bagger training was just some asshole, making you wear a backpack full of bricks and then forcing you to run laps for an hour. I never wanted to die so much in my whole life. The next torture session was the day after tomorrow, and I was already feeling it was too soon. I wandered into my apartment opened the door, closed it, locked it behind me, stumbled over to my bed, fell onto it….

I awoke to the sound of people merrily going about their day, and golden rays of sunlight on my face. I opened my eyes to the beams streaming in through my window; as the sun did, in its own gentle way, slowly tickled me from my blissful respite. I looked out the window, catching a view of the source of blinding golden light through the glass… and groaned. “Why hasn’t anyone shot that fucker down yet?” I semi-incoherently grumbled to the nonexistent ghosts in my room. Or maybe to the obnoxious couple in the apartment above mine who always complained that I was too noisy even though it was their stupid chihuahua that was constantly yipping at all hours of the… all the time. I’m too tired for internal monologues. I rolled back into my blankets, letting the soothing warmth of my blankets claim my soul. I smiled as I felt myself drifting back off. Mission successful…. Or at least it would’ve been if my phone hadn’t reminded me of a phrase about counting chickens. It let out it’s cheery death-call into the cool morning air (Scientifically proven to be the worst kind of air) forcing my attention to it like a reluctant paperclip to an obnoxiously per- and in- sistant magnet. I reached for it… missed, fumbled around for a couple seconds before grabbing onto it. A few more moments of fumbling with the slider that would connect the call, while also kinda hoping that it would just go to voicemail, and I was suddenly assaulted with human interaction before I’d even woke up. Okay, that wasn’t exactly true… sorry Lumina.

“Why?” I asked, like someone who had been dramatically betrayed by the Totally Not Suspicious Sidekick Charactertm, not like someone who had been woken up by their phone. “Hey, is this Cheshire?” The man on the other end asked, ignoring my nonsense. I never in my life so much wanted to be able to lie outright as I did at that moment. Ah, but alas…. I gave a tired noise, half yeah, half mhmm, that sounded like… well not really like anything save for vaguely affirmative. “Great, this is Nathanial, from the Toad Eaters. “Mhmm,” I said, energy now unfortunately at the point for a proper, mhmm. “Well, we need you to come in, we have a mission.” That snapped me out of my post-sleep delirium. “Wait what?” I asked, now using full and cohesive words. “Yeah, we need you to show up no later than one, can you be here. “Uh…” I stalled as I looked at my clock. Eleven forty-eight. “Yeah, I can make it,” I said. “Great, I’ll tell the others,” he said. “Alright,” I said before I hang up. Well… shit. I quickly took a shower, ate some cereal, the breakfast of anyone who couldn’t be bothered, and rushed outside. I wandered through the somewhat crowded morning streets, even though it was twelve thirty it was still morning, weaving through the foot traffic. The Adventurer’s guild was on the other side of town, near the wall that was designed to keep the monsters out. Convenient for adventurers who were coming and going, bad for… well… me. I finally made it to the guild at twelve forty-seven. Walking through the door into the main hall. I looked around as I always did, and probably always would, or at least until I’ve been working here so long, I can’t be bothered anymore… or until I get killed by some horrendous monster.

I walked through the hall into the back thorough the building and into the yard beyond. There I found my team… well most of them. Thank god I wasn’t the last one. Nathanial was there, of course, and so was James and Erianna. The only missing member being Goose. “Hi, I’m not late, am I?” I asked. “No,” Erianna said, begrudgingly reaching into a pocket, pulling out her wallet selecting a few bills and handing them to James. James beamed. “Told you she’d get here first,” James said. “Don’t gloat,” Erianna shot back, grouchily. They were betting on me. I didn’t know how I felt about that. I put that aside and asked the obvious question. “Where is Goose?” Nathanial was the one who answered. “No clue, I texted her though, and that usually does the trick, though she usually arrives last-minute.” I nodded and prepared for an intense session of waiting. “So… how’s life?” I asked. James chuckled. “Great. How is bagger training? I hear it’s pretty rough.” I felt my leg muscles lock up in P.T.S.D. from the words. “Horrible. They make us run laps for hours with what is essentially a bag of steel bricks on our backs,” I said. “Sounds wonderful, did you at least get a stamina blessing out of it?” James asked. I shook my head. “I’ve never been able to get blessings,” I said before immediately switching the topic, “What was adventurer training like?” I asked. “It was fine, it was mostly sparring with other students interlaced with direct training from the instructor,” James said. “Fine you say. It was miserable, every single day it was a new bruise,” Erianna complained. I snickered and so did James.

Nathanial interrupted our conversation with a quick, “She’s here,” which drew our attention to the building. At first, I didn’t see her, until I noticed the dark figure climbing out of a window on the third floor. “Wait, what is she doing?” I asked. As I watched Goose closed the window behind her, effortlessly balancing on the window frame before she turned and dropped. I let out a surprised shout as I watched Goose plummet from the third floor, I wanted to try and catch her, but she was too far, what could I…. Goose hit the ground with a roll, that propelled her back to her feet in one smooth motion, she continued walking, the whole display was incredibly… fluid, done with the expert ease of an action repeated thousands of times over. She approached with her standard impassive expression. “Are you okay?” I asked concern in my voice, although with how smooth the motion was, I highly doubted she was injured in any way. She analyzed me, coldly. Before finally nodding. I felt a small spark of relief fill me with the confirmation. I turned to the rest of my team. “Is this normal for her?” I asked as Goose passed me, joining the others. They all nodded. I then turned to Goose. “Why?” I asked. She looked at me, expression unchanged. “Yeah, it’s not going to be that easy,” Erianna said, haughtily. I frowned, deciding on the spot that no matter what, come hell or high water, I would get Goose to say something to me.