“Zardok!” The voice blared through the office speakers for all to hear. “Report to my office at once!”

Immediately I was on my feet. I bolted out of my cubicle and rounded the corner to Director Brakken’s office, averting my eyes from the sympathetic looks of my coworkers.

“You called for me, sir?” I said as I stepped into the doorway.

“Oh hurry up, Zardok! Come in!” He yelled. “And shut the door dammit!”

I closed the door behind me and stood timidly in front of the baroque desk while Director Brakken’s eyes bored through the back of my skull.

Then, after he flicked his gaze meaningfully to the plain stool in the center of the room, I sat.

“You called for me, sir?” I said again, wondering if the chair in which I now sat had been deliberately designed with nary a concern for bodily anatomy.

Or if the subtle conical-dome at seat’s center—threatening protrusion into certain… regions—had been designed with precisely such concerns in mind, just ones totally orthogonal to a subordinate’s comfort.

“Have you not seen the news!?!” He bellowed.

“Umm, no sir. I was assigned to this department’s quarterly Sprint and I have yet a fortnight before I’ve earned my metric-contingent break perio—“

“—A complete and utter failure, Zardok!” He shouted over me. “Do you understand what that means!?! Complete and utter failure!!”

“I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understan—“

“—The infiltration dammit! The one whose disguises you headed the R&D for!” Director Brakken glared at me, neck frills twitching with irritation. “All five infiltration cells were apprehended within a week of surfacing!”

“All five?!?” I said in disbelief.

“All five.” He said, no longer yelling. His tone was suddenly that of one worried more about their own imminent performance review. “Grand Regent Sklorr’blarth VII is going to ream my cloaca if I don’t come up with answers in time for tomorrow’s board meeting.”

He looked out the window of his corner office and said nothing, after a while I followed his gaze to the scenic vista outside. Molten rivers flowing gently through picturesque throngs of Thornbriar and Stingbramble. Drachentoad lolling about on the scorching lava banks. Viperwasps hunting newborn Arachlings, in turn hunted by the vengeful Broodmothers.

“How did this happen, Zardok?” He said, turning back to me. “We gave you and your team everything. Every request put in by one of your people was granted, every request. You know I didn’t even bother reviewing them after a while?” He picked an ornate gold signet off the desk. “I even had this little stamper made so I could sign-off on them faster.”

After what I hoped was an appropriate pause, I responded. “Do we know how the Surface Dwellers detected our teams? What gave them away? Was it their garb? Their lexicon? Their mannerisms?”

Director Brakken’s eyes met my own, nictating membranes flicking across. “All of it, Zardok. All of it.”

“But-but that-that can’t be!” I stuttered out. “My teams spent half a year canvassing them! And the other half back here in the offices interpreting the data and extrapolating best-fit interaction protocols! They simply couldn’t have detected us!”

“But alas they did.” He sighed, holding his head in his hands. “You’re certain that your sample was representative of the whole?”

“Yes! Yes!” I said. “It must have been! The two initial settlements we infiltrated were over 2,000 miles apart!”

“Yes, yes, I saw the report. Poor-t’lan-orey-gawn and New-ore-lee-ans. They are indeed far apart, but I couldn’t help but notice that they are also both in close proximity to large Dihydrogen Monoxide reservoirs. How can you be sure that Surface Dweller culture doesn’t differ drastically in environments farther fro—“

“But sir!” I interrupted. “My department did take that into account! We all knew that the first and second phase of assimilation would constrain our forces to those most economically lucrative coastal conurbations, but we didn’t survey just those areas. If you read addendum 12a dash 3c point 3 of my report you will see that my team also conducted penetration testing at one of the Surface Dweller’s desert settlements, Sant-if’ay-numex-ik’ho. It’s an arid place far, far away from their precious ‘water’.”

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

“Yes, yes, I saw that too, Zardok.” He sighed, massaging the bridge of his snout. “Your operatives identified many analogous patterns between the three locations. Unpredictable and confusing use of pronouns, flamboyant dress and ostentatious self-presentation, irregular and superfluous behavior, et cetera. But I just don’t see how your team missed all of the communities that aren’t like that. Had you merely expanded your survey to include just a few oth—“

“But Director Brakken!” I blurted out, surprising even myself. “We did survey others! If you read addendum 6 point 9 slash 42 dash 2 of my report you will see that my teams and I conducted a 24 hour surveillance op at over two dozen other locations spanning the continent!

Annnd because our initial reconnaissance was performed during their warm season, and because my team was trying to account for additional variables, we conducted these secondary surveys during one of their colder seasons, on the 31st day of their ‘October’.”

The Director had taken to nervously thumping his tail against the brass waste bin at the foot of his desk. When he said nothing, merely staring expectantly at me, I continued.

“The incongruous garb and bizarre behaviors were even more pronounced in those locations. Our top analysts have concluded that their deportment is somehow linked to temperature. And I must emphasize, this drastically increased erraticism was observed during their mere Autumn. Had we stayed into their Winter, I have no doubt we’d’ve seen this trend persist. But, as it was, our iRregular Environment Personal Temperature Interface Lightweight Exosuit™ Skins weren’t rated for such extreme cold. They were barely able to keep us functioning for the entire day, we had to abort the mission early. Though to be frank, I think it’s a blessing in disguise that we couldn’t stay to see what insanity emerges in the midst of their hellish Ice Season.”

There was a long silence and I suddenly became acutely aware of the impertinence with which I had been speaking to my superior. But rather than reprimand me, the Director merely sighed again.

“Can we recover from this?” He asked.

“I-I don’t know, sir. Do we have any assets remaining on the surface?”

“We’ve had sporadic contact with a few of the operatives assigned to Loss-ann-gel-ass, but not in any of the other settlements selected for the first wave. Enn-why-cee and Shit-kah-go went dark after three days. At-lan-tik’sit-ee and My-ahh-me followed suit two days later.” He was staring out the window again.

“We thought at first that they were deliberately maintaining radio silence, but it’s been three months and nothing’s come through the channel. Upper management has designated the operatives MIA…” He trailed off.

“Well, sir, maybe there is—“

“—The only locations with which we’ve maintained uninterrupted contact,” He snapped curtly. “Are the three your department had selected for initial survey. Somehow your teams have managed to effortlessly integrate into the local populations, but as to how they did this we cannot account…” He trailed off again, and this time I thought better of offering my input.

The Director was absentmindedly twirling a gold pen in his claws, light glinting off the gaudy thing every time the broad face of its nib came into view.

Suddenly he stood up.

“Perhaps there is some wisdom to be gleaned amidst this morass.” He said, slapping hands down on the desk.

“I am assigning you to a special task force. You will travel to the surface to ascertain why we go unnoticed in some of the Surface Dweller’s habitats, and why we stick out like a sore dewclaw in others.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.” I said, relieved.

I had fully expected a ‘request’ to tender my resignation before meeting’s end, so although I wasn’t exactly thrilled about another long-term surface assignment, this wasn’t the worst possible outcome.

“Report to building E. They’ll refit you for the new 3rd generation iREPTILE™ Skin and after lunch you’ll depart for the Gate.”

“Yes, sir.” I said, standing and turning toward the door. Just as my claws touched the nob the Director spoke.

“Zardok?” He said softly, voice almost pleading. “What—what should I tell the Board?”

“Umm, well… I don’t know, sir. Let me think a moment.”

Despite myself, I found that I felt rather sorry for Director Brakken.

“One of the main findings from our initial surveys was the perplexing capacity of the Surface Dwellers to concurrently hold multiple contradictory and mutually exclusive beliefs. Our analysts were looking into ways we might be able to leverage this against them somehow.”

“Mmm, interesting.” He said distantly. “No established action plans as of yet though?”

“Unfortunately not, no.”

“Hmmm...” He sighed. “Well, thank you, Zardok. I shall bring it to the attention of the board. Perhaps Archduke Yorgzlar or our CEO will be able to formulate some strategy for facilitating optimized efficiencies.”

“Yes, likely through tactical implementation of best practices.” I said encouragingly.

“Yes, yes, indeed. And no doubt within functional areas.” He agreed.

I nodded, turning away and opening the door. I wasn’t four steps into the hallway when the insight struck me. I darted back into the office.

“Director Brakken!”

“Yes, Zardok? What is it now?”

“Well, sir.” I gulped. “I had almost forgotten. During our reconnaissance of the desert settlement, we encountered several natives claiming to posses certain… crystals.”

The Director’s full attention snapped to me. “Crystals?” He said, brow raised. “What kind of crystals?”

“Well, sir. Judging by the claims, all sorts.”

“Ohh?” He said hopefully.

“We didn’t have an opportunity to run extensive tests, but apparently these crystals aid in healing and mental acuity. Some are used to manipulate and transform a heretofore unknown energy source that the Surface Dwellers call The Aura.”

“Aauuraa.” The Director said, turning the word over in his mouth.

“Yes, sir. We think that it is some sort of ubiquitous energy field that the Surface Dwellers can tap into.”

“Do we think these crystals and The Aura could be a weapon of some kind? Does it present a threat to our assimilation efforts?”

“We are unsure, sir. They don’t appear to be weaponized, but we don’t know enough to say with certainty. Even their own experts seem to disagree about the exact nature of the crystals. Some describe them as emanating a kind of vibrational resonance frequency, others say they are inert. And they have numerous facilities dedicated to measuring The Aura. But, not knowing how sophisticated their bio-signature measuring abilities were, we didn’t dare risk exposure by venturing into any of these facilities ourselves.”

“Mmm, yes, very wise.” He said, clearly intrigued. “Anything else?”

“Difficult to say, sir. Our limited resources during the initial survey precluded complete translation and analysis, but it appears that the Surface Dwellers do a great many other things in these facilities.”

“Go on.”

“Well, in addition to The Aura, there is something called a Shock-ruh, which seems to be a bio-energy source, of which there exist multiple in an individual Surface Dweller. And they perform something called Kai-row-prak’tik-med’sin to align these in the optimal fashion, thereby alleviating any and all malady.”

“Fascinating.” The Director said. And then, after a pause.

“Zardok, I am updating your assignment. Your teams will resurvey the initial recon sites, but you personally will be heading the operation in Sant-if’ay-numex-ik’oh. I want you to bring me those crystals.”

“Yes, sir.” I said, before walking out of the office and into the bathroom down the hall.

Relief washed over me in the stall as I adjusted the lizard costume over my wings and sent the encrypted message to my handler back on planet Nibiru.

“This is Special Agent Schmeckle, Operation Konkavinflitration successful, commencing Operation Globalbankkontrolle.”