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Refuge

(Year 997, 17th of Full Inji, 12:04AM)

Darkness behind me, darkness ahead... now, not even the moonlight could reach me.

That was, at least, a choice I'd made willingly. Running through the woods had been fine on its own, but it just wasn't something I could keep up for long. The last time I'd eaten, the meal hadn't gone far before I'd been interrupted, and that was the first I'd eaten since the day before that. It had been even longer since I'd slept, even though night had come again, and after escaping Faen the killer elf (and killer of elves)... the lack of sleep was finally starting to set in. I was tired, and in serious need of rest.

It must have been by the grace of a god, then - although I had no idea which god might be so kind - that I finally stumbled across a cave entrance in a cliffside I'd found myself running below. The only other hope of safety, as far as I could tell, was going up another tree to sleep in the branches again... and for more than one reason, that was not something I could do on my own.

That was what I had in mind when (urged by Shimmer that I needed rest) I ducked inside the cave, finally slowed down, and fell to my knees, well and truly exhausted.

And yet somehow, despite being even more active than before, doing even more to tire myself out, I still couldn't sleep.

I should absolutely have passed out the moment I laid my head down on the dirt inside the cave, not far at all from the entrance that thin shafts of moonlight poked in through... but there I was, staring into the darkness. I could have forced myself to sleep using [Indulge] - I'd done it before, it wouldn't have been hard - but...

"Shimmer?"

It wasn't until I spoke that I realized just how dry my throat was. The elves had offered me a drink from a waterskin before they tied me up, but that had been the first and last time I'd drunk water since I ran from home. I'd barely spoken since then, and I'd mostly spoken in whispers since the Elves had grabbed me, but I was still dried-out. Underfed, unwatered, unable to sleep.

Was I going to die out here?

Shimmer floated into my line of sight. "Aedan..."

There was something in her voice that, as tired as I was, I just couldn't stand. "Don't pity me, Shimmer. We got out of that mess like we got out of the mess back home, right? We ran. That was your idea, wasn't it?"

Shimmer shook her head. "I do not pity you, Aedan. I simply..."

She trailed off, and I felt a need to ask, "What, Shimmer?"

After a moment, she continued, "...I know the things you think, Aedan. In general, to an extent... but especially of me."

I wasn't sure what she was trying to say, not immediately, but then she finished, "I simply... wish that I could be of more help to you, and I am unsure how."

Oh.

If she knew what I was thinking about her... then she knew that I'd been thinking about how unhelpful she was, and apparently that bothered her. I could understand that, but she was -

I shook my head. No, if she knew what I was thinking about her, I didn't want to just go back to thinking she was useless. Instead, I asked, "Then what can we do about that?"

Shimmer shifted in the air a bit, almost like she was flinching. "Aedan-"

I held up my hand. "I know, I know, I'm the wreck here... but what was it you told me at dawn, Shimmer? What's your purpose?"

After a moment, Shimmer answered, "My purpose is to help you, Aedan. In all ways, but especially to help you progress along the Path of Consumption, and to that end, to help you fulfill your desires."

I nodded. "That's not exactly what you said, I don't think, but more importantly... it's gonna be pretty hard to fulfill my desires if I die of thirst or hunger, right? It's gonna be harder than that if I keep having to run from people trying to hurt me or capture me, right?"

Shimmer noded.

"Which means," I continued, "I'm gonna need help with those things, too. I'm gonna need a lot of help, and right now... I can only get that from you. So right now, what I want is for you to be better at helping me. How can we make that happen?"

It was kind of weird, I realized, that I was putting so much energy into Shimmer while I was lying in a cave like this, probably in bad shape... it was maybe not the best way to solve my problems... but it felt right.

It felt like the right thing to do.

Shimmer took another moment, and then she answered, "The best thing you can do for me, Aedan, is to do the best thing for you. Take care of yourself. Grow stronger."

I opened my mouth to point out that that took us back to square one, but Shimmer just raised her hand and continued, "On my own, Aedan, I am a rather limited being. In large part, whatever power and knowledge I have comes from you, and from your potential to be stronger and wiser someday. I am your desire made manifest by the Path of Consumption... I am the key to unlocking the potential you already hold, but have not yet grasped. I can only expand, become more and greater, when you first do the same."

I opened my mouth again, but this time, Shimmer actually answered my complaint. "Which... does not bring us closer to solving your problems, no. I am sorry, Aedan, that I cannot ease your burdens at all. The best I can do for now is offer you counsel, and my counsel for now is that you should rest. I cannot help you find water, and food will be easier to find when the morning comes. The best thing you can do now to take care of yourself, to grow stronger, is sleeping."

A part of me wanted to take her advice. A part of me really wanted to activate [Indulge] and force my eyes to shut. Another part of me, though...

"Shimmer?" I asked again.

She was silent for a moment, but she couldn't pretend she didn't hear me. "...Yes, Aedan?"

This was a question I'd asked before, but when it came to figuring out why I couldn't sleep normally, it seemed the best way to explore the problem. "Shimmer... what do I want?"

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She shook her head. "Aedan, I should not simply tell you these things. I know your desires better than you do, but you must learn to become better at recognizing them for yourself. I may not be with you forever to show you a mirror, Aedan... you must become able to see yourself clearly without my help."

I wanted to argue, but as tired and parched as I was, I just asked, "...then give me a direction, at least?"

We looked at each other in silence for a bit longer, but then... there was this sound. It was a nonsense sound, something that I'd never heard before, like the air itself was vibrating. The way Shimmer was moving, though, shaking her head again... this was the sound, I realized, of Shimmer sighing. "...it is something about the most recent danger that troubles you. Something you feel like you did wrong. What do you feel like you did wrong, Aedan?"

My thoughts had been empty when I stared up at the ceiling, up until now, but now that Shimmer had given me somewhere to start...

If I was being honest, I felt like I'd done a lot wrong. Getting caught had been one thing, but if Faen had secret Evil powers, there probably wasn't much I could've done to stop him from catching me, even if he was trying to hide them from his... it didn't feel right to call the other elves his friends anymore, now that he'd killed them all.

Except for Lya, maybe...

I shook my head. There was no point in worrying about her at this point.

What had happened next? Faen and Lya had both come to me in the night, and offered to let me escape. Of course, I'd taken Lya up on her offer, but if I'd been faster to accept the offer from Faen...

A part of me wanted to think he wouldn't have killed the other elves if I took his offer and ran, but that didn't feel right... now that I thought about it, I still didn't know why he'd killed the other elves. Was it just because he was Evil and a 'Shroud Walker', whatever that was?

That wasn't a question I could answer on my own.

So then, after the offers, there had been... the killing. The bodies falling. Seeing some of the elves' bodies, especially their headless leader... that was going to stick with me for a while, probably. The image that came to my mind first when I thought about how things had ended, though, wasn't the bodies, or Faen holding his leader's head...

The image in my head was the last look I'd gotten of Lya, facing down Faen even though he was probably going to kill her, giving me time to run...

I opened my eyes. Hovering over me, Shimmer spoke. "And so you see."

I did think I had the answer, yes. "It was... the running, wasn't it? I..." I started to push myself to my feet, back against the cave wall. "... I should've helped her, instead of running again."

Shimmer shook her head. "You could no more have helped her than you could have helped -"

I raised my hand. "Don't-"

We both paused. A moment passed. I lowered my hand. "...don't say her name, please."

Shimmer nodded.

Another moment passed and I continued, "...you can tell me that running was my only choice, Shimmer, but I don't like that. I... I wish it weren't true." I closed my eyes, feeling a fist start to tighten. "I wish there were something we could've done... if only I had more power to fight Faen with, or maybe if I'd seen him... coming..."

My eyes snapped open. Shimmer was staring at me intently, knowing what I was going to say. If she wasn't leading me to it, though... she wanted me to be the one to say it.

So I said it. "You saw him coming."

Shimmer nodded. "I told you that something was wrong, Aedan. You listened, but... there was not enough for you to do."

I shook my head. "No - well, okay, yes, but - Shimmer, how did you see him coming? How did you know that he was 'wrong', like you did?"

Shimmer tilted her head. "It is... simply a sense that I have." I could tell that there was more behind her words, though. Something was turning over in her mind, just like it was in mine.

"Faen had to have been able to do something similar, though," I continued. "He knew... that I was something, definitely. What was that word he called me, before we ran? Carnite?"

Shimmer nodded. "A word I understand no more than you do, but... I do know, or at least believe, that what you say is true. Faen knew what you were. He could tell that you were a Path-Walker of Consumption, as he Walked the Path of Possession."

That gave me a moment's pause. "That was what he called the Path of Evil..." I shook my head. "No, not the point. The point is this: If you could tell what Faen was, and Faen could tell what I was, then... maybe he could sense me the same way you sensed him, only he was better at it."

Shimmer, understanding now, finished the thought. "And if he can do what I do better than I can... you think you might be able to do so as well?"

I nodded. "Or maybe... You said your power comes from mine, right? You'll get better at things as I do? Well, if I can learn to do what you were both doing, maybe you'll get better at it too. That makes sense, doesn't it?"

Shimmer nodded, but didn't answer, so I continued, "Then... can you try to show me how you do it?"

I worried for a moment, for some reason, that she might tell me no.

Instead, she answered, "Imagine yourself... with a road beneath your feet."

Not wanting to lose any time, I shut my eyes tight and tried my best to picture that in my mind - a road under my feet. A road through a green grassy field, like I might find near home. A road that stretched out beyond eyesight in either direction... because I didn't know where it started, or where it ended.

One of those unknowns, Shimmer was about to correct. "At one end of the path, Aedan, there is... a crossroads. The road branches six ways. Can you follow the road back to the crossroads? Can you imagine yourself standing there?"

Six ways, like the Six Paths. I was starting to see what we were doing, maybe. I tried to picture myself doing that, but -

It was weird. I could picture the crossroad, I could picture myself walking into it, but I couldn't picture myself just standing there. It was like... like I couldn't imagine the place in the center, the little patch of dirt where the six roads met. Like something about the image just kept pushing me away.

Shimmer continued her description, though. "You are at the crossroads, the place where the Paths meet. You cannot step off your Path, not as you are, but from the crossroads, you can see the other Paths, into the distance..."

She was right. I couldn't imagine myself standing on the crossroads, but I could at least imagine the other paths. More dirt roads through grassy fields, stretching out to the edge of view...

And then Shimmer asked the final question: "When you look out over the other Paths... what do you see?"

I could feel something happening. It was like... there was a tug somewhere inside me. Not just in the real world, either - in the scene I was imagining, it was like my sight was being pulled onto one of the other dirt roads, the other Paths as I imagined them, and in the distance, I saw -

My eyes snapped open. "Shimmer, can you -"

Shimmer was floating back and forth now. It was weird - it was like she was being dragged away in one direction, then floating against the pull, but then being pulled again...

In the same direction as the tug I could feel inside me.

"Aedan, this is..." Something was different in the way I heard Shimmer. "This is not at all how it felt when you were near Faen. What did you... you saw..."

Shimmer seemed to be having trouble poking around in my head now, figuring out what I saw, so I made it easy for her. "It was like the ground of one of the Paths was breaking, like... like there was a hole in the road." I started pushing myself up from the ground further, getting my feeting under me. "Shimmer, what... what are we feeling?"

Shimmer shook her head. "It is... the meaning is filling me... It is a manifestation of the Path of Chaos, Aedan. This I know. This difficulty I feel... It could hide from us until we gazed on it like this, but there is a power of Chaos very near to us, and it... it is strong, I believe... and it is growing."

I had drawn myself up to my full heigh now. I was tired, more tired than I'd ever felt... but something in my muscles, in my veins, was stronger than the exhaustion. One of my fists was still clenched, I realized... and after a moment, I clenched the other. "What is it, Shimmer? Do you know?"

Shimmer moved to shake her head again, but then she stopped. "It is... a monster, Aedan. A creature, warped by the power of Chaos. A natural thing made unnatural... and made dangerous."

That was when I started walking. "Then it's a good thing we've got this sense to lead us to it, right?"

"Aedan-"

I cut her off. "I can't keep running, Shimmer. I can't... I can't be useless when there's a problem staring me in the face. This 'Monster', whatever kind of thing it is... it shouldn't be here, right? It's a problem?"

After a moment, Shimmer floated back into sight, and she nodded.

I nodded back. "Then we're not just going to sit here and sleep while it's up and about, Shimmer... We're not running from this one, we're not hiding. I'm tired of that. Right here and now, we're going to fix something."