Sweet Dream
“Go kill your fucking self!” He roared as tears poured down her enraged face. Lightheaded from the screaming, Dream was exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions and the haunting anxiety that consumed her daily life. The first text she found said,
Sent: Do you miss this d**k?
Reply: Yes, I will be on your side of town this weekend looking for a dress for my friend’s wedding.
Unfortunately, that was just the beginning. When Dream questioned Jaxx about the sexual text messages that weren’t from or to her, he would viciously manipulate the issue back to Dream being insecure and invading his privacy. Not only would he accuse her of invading his privacy, he would tell her that it was all her fault that he was texting other women. ‘What else am I supposed to do if you’re too tired to have sex, or too busy on Twitter or your bullshit Instagram page.”Dream believed her personal calling was to be a publishing executive or the next Anna Wintour, not Miranda Priestly, of a major publishing house. So when she was in high school, she became a book vlogger. Her Instagram page, BookDreams has almost 200,000 followers. She also posted book reviews as well as conducting author interviews.
“Fuck you!” Dream storms out of his apartment, slamming the door so loud it echoes throughout the entire building. She gets into her white SUV and sobbed on the steering wheel. How did she get to this wretched place in her life, she thought. I’m not that girl. The girl with no self confidence and low self esteem. The girl that knows sorry only means, sorry I got caught. The girl that would do anything to make him happy. The girl that would rather be with him than to be alone, that desperate girl.
When Dream’s mother gave birth to her, she looked into her gray eyes and lovingly whispered, “Life is but a dream,” which became her name, Dream D’Amour. She was born the spring of her parents’ junior year in college. She was most definitely a surprise. After she was born, her maternal grandparents took her home and cared for her while her parents, Antoinette and Julian finished school. Antoinette and Julian briefly married, but amicably divorced. Nevertheless, Dream was and still is the family baby girl. She was an affectionate and inquisitive child who loved to read and practically lived in her own fairytale world. Her warm smile and kind nature made everyone who knew her want to hold her close to their hearts. To know her is to love her.
So, what the hell was wrong with Jaxx? Dream illuminated every room she entered. Her charm was infectious. She was a whimsical enigma, and Jaxx was smitten when he met her. They met at the album release party for the popular recording artist, McKeith. Dream was invited to the party for promoting McKeith’s music on her social media page. He was her favorite singer. She was actually able to meet him in person, and of course McKeith found Dream to be absolutely adorable. The sound design company Jaxx was working for sponsored the event. Jaxx, tall and handsome, couldn’t help but notice the young, dazzling Dream, singing and dancing in her sparkling metallic Versace dress. Her bronzed skin and golden highlighted natural curls reflected in the dance floor lights. As Dream drifted off the dance floor glistening with sweat; Jaxx offered to buy her a drink. “That beautiful smile must stay hydrated. May I please buy you a drink?”
“Thank you for being concerned about my hydration wellness.That is so sweet of you.” Dream delightfully replied. They spent the rest of the night flirting, laughing, and talking at a nearby coffee shop. Dream was intrigued about dating a more mature, established guy; Jaxx was five years her senior.When he kissed Dream good night, she felt her heart pounding in his warm intimate embrace.
Unfortunately, Dream’s heart would become weighted with anxiousness. In private, Jaxx would criticize everything about her, from the clothes she wore, to the way she would drive. “Is that what you’re wearing?” he’d ask condescendingly. “That’s not how I like my eggs, you’re a terrible cook!” He would constantly complain and get high, especially since he got fired from his job. Apparently one of Jaxx’s coworkers reported him to human resources, and stated that they felt threatened by him. Of course his reason why he was fired was due to the fact that no one in the office worked harder than him, and they couldn’t handle the pressure of his high expectations, (aka office bully). Marijuana is his drug of choice. Dream wasn’t a prudish, but she was concerned with how much he smoked. Jaxx had an entirely different childhood than Dream. His father wasn’t in his life, and his mother suffered from alcoholism. He was the middle child, but he always felt alone. Dream was convinced that he suffered from middle child syndrome. She also questioned if the disrespect that Jaxx projected toward her was subliminally meant for his mother. However, that is no excuse for his verbal and emotional abusive behavior. Incidentally, Dream felt sorry for him. She wanted to show him love, because that’s all she knew. That’s all she ever received.
Dream took a deep breath and tried to pull herself together. She started the ignition and drove home as fast as she could. Blinded by her tears, all the traffic lights were a blur. She sped into her driveway, jumped out of the car almost forgetting to unbuckle her seatbelt, and practically spilling the contents of her new Gucci purse that she just purchased from an upscale resale boutique all over the driveway. Dream burst through the front door, “Hey mom!” she yelled in a high pitched voice, and sprinted up the stairs pretending she had to use the bathroom so her mom wouldn’t see her red puffy eyes, and question why she was crying. It was common for Dream to race to the bathroom, because she had a phobia for public restrooms. Most of them disgusted her.
Antoinette liked Jaxx, but she knew something about him was off. He reminded her of Dream’s first stepfather. She sensed he could be erratic, and have a temper. Deep down, she didn’t feel Jaxx was the right match for Dream. However, Antoinette never medaled in Dream’s relationships unless she felt Dream was in danger, or if she asked her opinion.
Dream ran into her room, closed the door, and slung her purse on the bed. She turned on the shower, stripped out of her clothes, and stepped into the steamy curtain. The hot water massaged her heavy body. As she closed her eyes, flashbacks of her argument with Jaxx haunted her. Visions of all the text messages he has sent to other girls, and “Go fucking kill yourself,” echoing repeatedly in her head. She could taste her salty tears mixed with the showering water as she stood under the faucet as if she were trying to rinse the shame away. Dream stepped out of the shower and let her feet sink into the soft plush coral blue bath mat and wrapped herself in a warm fluffy yellow towel. She moved her hand in a circular motion as she wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror and stared back at the reflection. “Who are you?” “Why do you let him treat you like a worthless piece of shit?” She gasped as reality set in; the words “Go kill yourself,” rolled so freely off Jaxx’s tongue. “He didn’t even think she was worth living, and truly didn’t care.” That bothered her more than the sexual text messages to other girls. All the sexting, belittling and complaining made her stomach flutter, and then she was flushed with rage.
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Dream knew what she had to do. It was time to let Jaxx go. Besides, It was just a matter of time before her mom figured out something was wrong; if she didn’t know already. Dream had to dig deep and conjure up the strength to tell Jaxx that their relationship was over. She knew Jaxx would send her a sympathetic message apologizing for what he did, and then blame what he said on his “anger issues”, and ask her to spend the night with him. ”You know I didn’t mean it,” was his favorite justification, but “No, I didn’t know that wasn’t what he meant !” “ What kind of asshole nonchalantly suggests suicide?” “I need to pull myself together and end this, ” Dream thought. Especially with school starting next week, She definitely could not manage the emotional stress Jaxx would intensify along with her school work. That would be a mental disaster. In the words of her beloved yoga teacher, “If I have to choose between a relationship and my peace of mind; peace wins every time,” was her final contemplation.
The next morning Dream sent Jaxx a message, “ We need to talk.”
He replied, “K.”
She got dressed and drove over to Jaxx’s apartment. “You can do this. You can do this.“ “ You are strong.” “Your mother raised a smart and brave woman.” Dream recited the mantra to herself as if she were going into battle. Instinctively she was fighting for her sanity. At one point she thought she was going to have to pull over to use the bathroom. Her stomach was churning.
Dream entered the gate to Jaxx’s apartment complex. She parked her truck, took a deep breath, and headed upstairs to his apartment. Her legs felt heavy as she climbed the steps. She could hear gun fire and explosives through the door from the movie he was watching.The stench of marijuana slapped her in the face as she knocked on the door. She could hear him walking towards the door. “What’s up,” Jaxx said in a low tone as he opened the door. He looked like he hadn’t showered. Dream tried her best not to look nervous. She steadied herself as she walked toward the couch. As she sat down, she smelled the dried rum and coke at the bottom of the glass sitting on the coffee table.
Dream could feel the heaviness in her chest. She turned towards Jaxx and said, “I’m stressed, and I’m trying so hard in this relationship to be a good girlfriend, but you’re always mad at me about something.” There was an awkward silence, and Jaxx continued to stare at the television. Dream proceeded, “And then you always have other girls’ messages on your phone.” Jaxx slammed the tv remote control on the table,“ I don’t have time for this shit ! You’re just a mirage. You look pretty and perfect on the outside, but in reality you're nothing but a spoiled ass brat.”
Dream bolted from the couch,“ Spoiled brat ? I wasn’t a spoiled brat when I loaned you money for your rent after you smoked it all up. I wasn’t a spoiled brat when I would forgive you for shitting on me time and time again !”
Dream was in disbelief at Jaxx’s response, the nerve of him! All she could think of was the “cool girl” that Gillian Flynn illustrated in her book, Gone Girl. “Spoiled brat? Dammit, I liked every damn thing you liked, and never complained. Did you really think I enjoyed making myself into a contortionist so I could text you those nasty ass pictures you like?” If those ever fell out of the cloud my future career would be over before it started, let alone my reputation. ” She thought.
“Or the time when you decided to grant me the “pleasure” of taking me golfing with you, and when you introduced me to the golf course manager, he asked me if I had been there with you last week? I didn’t make a scene; I just politely flashed my colgate smile and assured the manager that whomever you were with, wasn’t me.” And for the record, I never wanted to go golfing. I always tried to be the person you wanted me to be, but you’re always trying to fuck someone else !” “Oh and how can I forget, you want me to kill myself !
“That’s what I’m talking about, always whining. You’re pathetic, and you wonder why I was texting real women.
Dream was infuriated. A tsunami of anger stirred within her and she spewed,“ No, you just text other women because deep down you know you ain’t shit ! You can’t even keep a job. You’re no wear near, man enough for me!“ The words rang like a siren.
“Get the fuck out !” Jaxx roared.
Enraged, he tightly wrapped his hand around Dream’s throat and pushed her to the floor.As she was prying Jaxx’s hand from her throat, Dream was unable to break her fall. Her phone flew out of her pocket and slid down the hallway like a hockey puck. She looked up and saw the veins pulsating in Jaxx’s neck, and the fury blazing in his eyes.
He shouted, “Bitch, I’ll show you who’s man enough !” as he picked up a crystal plaque that he received from one of his previous jobs. Dream staggers as she picks herself up from the hard floor; she stumbles to make her way to the front door. All of a sudden Dream is alarmed by a crashing sound. She screams, and something prickly flew into her eye. It felt like sharp shavings and debris. Jaxx had hurled the crystal plaque at Dream. Luckily he missed her head and made a hole in the wall. ” Jaxx crushed Dream’s phone with his foot and threw it at her as she ran down the stairs. Dream picked up her phone and rushed to her truck.; trembling with fear and anger she drops her keys. She swiftly snatches them off the ground, unlocks the door, and collapsed into the driver’s seat. Dream couldn’t believe what just happened. Jaxx actually put his hands on her. Unlike the last departure from Jaxx’s place this was more of an escape. Dream was so panicked she couldn’t shed any tears. She was just fixated on getting home as fast as she could. Her fingernails were digging into her hands as she gripped the steering wheel. Dream could hear her heart pounding in her ears. When she stopped at the first red traffic light she started to whimper, but then she erupted into a dreadful wail.
Dream’s throat ached, and her tailbone was throbbing. She inspected her neck in the mirror for fingerprints. Her esophagus was extremely tender to touch, and when she swallowed, it felt like knives traveling down her throat. As Dream peeled off her clothes in the full length mirror, she turned around to look where her lower back was pulsating with pain. She was astonished to see a bruise emerging on her tailbone. She ran a hot bath and dusted the water with epsom salt. Her mother would always have her take epsom salt baths to soothe sore muscles. Dream slowly stepped into the bathtub and delicately lowered herself into the cloudy water.
She went to the kitchen and brought back the salt shaker. She sprinkled a few crystals in the bottom of a cup and added some hot water. Dream stirred the briny elixir and attempted to gargle to alleviate the soreness of her throat, However, the pain was unbearable and Dream started to choke so she quickly spit the water into the sink. Her whole body felt battered. She slightly limped to her bed and swaddled herself in her soft mulberry silk sheets and feathered comforter. Safe and sound, Dream closed her eyes and whispered the serenity prayer as a tear slid down to her pillow.
A sudden warmth kissed Dream’s cheek. She slightly opened one eye and the glare of the sun blinded her. It was as if the sun was telling her that she had survived to continue on this crazy journey called life. Maybe learn from another bad choice, but most importantly, the chance to make better ones. Peace in the soul always wins. Her body felt exhausted, and she still winced with pain. Her throat was scratchy and very sore. When she coughed, her body tensed, and her voice was hoarse. Hopefully she could sip some warm tea today. Dream rolled on to her back and stared at the ceiling.
“F**k Jaxx! The sex wasn’t that good anymore anyway,” she reflected. Then thoughts of “him” floated like clouds through her mind. Dream missed “him”. She wondered how he was doing? She wondered what he’s doing? Did he ever think about her? She loved the way he called her, Sweet Dreams.