This is my silent cry for help. Care to listen? It might serve as entertainment for you, but getting this off my chest might just get me back on my feet.

I've been blessed my whole life with meeting a variety of people. I truly believe this. From the depressed to the most outgoing, I've made many friends of different kinds. I've had the most daring interactions with many emotionally mature people. And for that I'm forever grateful. With all these lovely people who care about me in my life, you'd think I'd have no qualms about life.

One of the things I've never been good at were farewells. Not the casual goodbyes where a chance to meet would come up again. I'm talking about completely cutting someone off based on a deciding factor that that someone would not be adding any value to your life sort of "farewell". I struggled with it perhaps because it was completely ingrained into me from a young age that everyone has something to add to your life, that everyone has something to offer. I'm starting to understand that this isn't the case. Sure, everyone can teach you something, but is that something you want to learn?

For this chapter, these are words that have failed to reach my brother. He's someone who I grew up with, but to this day, I can't get a grasp on him. With all these shared experiences and memories, this shouldn't be the case, but somethings don't have a tangible explanation. And I'm learning to live with it.

Dear Brother,

My tears are not a weapon used to be a threat to make you feel guilty about your words and actions.

I often asked myself when I was younger, “brother, did bringing me misery the way that you did bring you joy?” He said verbatim that it was his job to mess with me growing up. What brought that kind of mindset? Over the years I only understood that his pride helped him not realize that I’m human too. The fact that I have a life outside being his little sister seems foreign to him. As we grew up, my dearest brother got so used to not hearing my words that now, he cannot see reason unless an outside party is with us. Even though my words and actions don’t actually pose a threat, there are things he does that make me perplexed on how he sees me. I’m so much more a person then I am just a sister. There's more to me than he can see but no he won't dare to look. He says I’m a monster and repeatedly preach about how I do not respect my mother, but I'd like to ask, "who are you to say this?" He's taken on this odd role of being my mother's spokesperson. Why? I don't know. She's not handicapped in any way. She's fully capable of speaking for herself. And also, of course I respect her. She birthed me. She does a lot for me. I celebrate her when appropriate so why. Why does he do this? "You have this strange obsession with saying this, brother. We are now both adults, shall we act like it?" All it does is chip away at my sanity. Must I listen to him? Just because I was all over the place four years ago doesn’t make it okay for you to trample on me. "You are not her knight in shining armor, she can speak for herself as the proud independent woman she is if she has a problem with me. You’re not doing her a favor at all. You’re only doing me a disservice, but alas, you are blind, as my words hold no value to you." I wonder if it doesn't get old for him. I rarely saw him because of my full-time job but this is all he says. And now that he also finally has a job, I see him even less. I pray for the day he's no longer even interested in looking my way. I have plenty of other things to worry about. How does it not get old picking fights?

My tears are only a confirmation that I still lend an ear to your words. That I still can’t bring myself to kill the proud image of the brother you are in my head. When will I ever be enough?

I do not enjoy conflict. My calling your name doesn’t mean I wish to fight you. I only wish to converse with you.

My brother has this awful habit of responding angrily when I call his name. I've always reassured him I didn't want to fight but he won't fix it. It gets pretty bad when he's listening to loud music with his headphones. Reasonably, I've stopped starting conversations with him unless I'm prompted to by other family like when I have to call him to the dinner table to eat as a family. To be completely honest, if I had a chance to view the world the way my brother does for a day, I would not take it. It would only confirm my deepest fear about our relationship. I know it cannot be mended although I've tried. I gave it my absolute best. And the people around me know, when I give my best, I can usually expect good results. Also, if I saw the way he saw the world, it would most likely make it harder to cut you from my life because I have an inkling that he thinks he's done no wrong. Brother dearest feels guilt, but not for me. He feels as if he's doing no wrong when he “put me in my place”. If he did, why does he still do it? When will he finally lose interest in me? I’m too far gone from exhaustion these days. I should probably also mention that I've always had a good amount of pride in conversing. Working for four years now, I've been able to have coherent conversations with even the oddest people so not being able to have a decent conversation with my blood brother perhaps hurt my pride.

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I do not enjoy conflict. My calling your name means I still hold value in your opinion after all these years. Impressing-ly depressing isn't it.

My enthusiasm, more often than not, is a mask for my feeling of despair. It is there as a safeguard to not burden others with my insecurities and not an invitation for you to shower me in your grief on your bad days. I have bad days too.

My brother is such a lovely person. He is one of the reasons for the pride of my family. I mean he got a 1500 on the SAT when I only got 1300. He's bright and full of so much energy when happy. On a good day, he seems to not feel the need to put me down, so I put on a smile too. Perhaps I’m afraid of what he might pull if I hinder his day. I suppose the emotional scars he had inflicted on me are still very prominent.

Let me draw this boundary: we aren't close enough for you to dump your frustrations on me. I never volunteered and never will. Until when must I walk on eggshells?

I’m not your therapist, and neither is our little sister... please grow the fuck up. You’re old enough to drink now.

The last time I sat down to properly mend our thoroughly broken relationship, he pulled his headphones over his ears and turned away saying that he was not ready. He says he regrets his words and actions but when it comes to it, he's not ready to let bygones be bygones. And his reason is absolutely fucked up. Bat shit crazy. Not reasonable at all. I'm tired of his shit. Sure, I said a lot of fucked up things like comparing him to Hitler for being so tyrannical (something he kept over my head for years until he forgot) but he's not perfect either. I suppose it was the last straw when he mentioned the reason as to why he was not ready to move on. Being bullied by your classmates for being the eccentric person he was in sixth grade (and still is) does not give him the right to constantly push your sister over the edge. "If you hate me so much, don’t associate with me." And although I’m grateful that he doesn't direct any of this to our cute little sister, there was a point in time that I hated her for this. Granted, I was able to mend my relationship with her. I am by no means even remotely close to perfect so I’m really crumbling under all this emotional stress he's putting on me. Just because I’m better at hiding my tears better than our dearest sister does not translate into the fact that I do not have emotions.

Respectfully, grow the fuck up and stop saying “get out of my face”. What is that =your catchphrase? Grow a pair. When those people in Japan called you Yoochi, they hit the fucking bullseye because that’s what you are.

You don’t have to like me, but you can still respect me as a human being with basic human emotions. All those deep conversations you wish to have may be reserved for those you care about. Constantly switching from hot to cold, to giving me the time of day, to ignoring me, is not what I’m asking for. All I ask for is consistency.

Whether it’s a blessing in disguise or it’s just a struggle all siblings must go through, the three of us were constantly compared to each other. In a lot of ways, this made me strive to be a better person. Albeit how stressful it was, looking back, I don't believe there was a better way to encourage growth for me at the time. As a child, he had so much energy to spare (still does to this day). I don’t know to what extent this is true, but I was told he punched people the same number of times in greeting them. What a troublesome kid, I always thought. I mustn’t act like this. I was a very impressionable child. When he was having trouble making friends in middle school at Japanese school (we call it Hoshuuko) I made a mental note to be more friendly and act more lovable. I didn't want to end up like him. But when you managed to get something right like getting into "Math Rocks" (a gifted program for those who studied math too much basically) I was right there behind him. Growing up I think I realied on him being the example of what not to do and be that as soon as he started getting things right, I was lost.

If you start to wish to have an amicable relationship with you, it'll be hard, but I shall welcome you with open arms. But if that isn't the case, stay away from me, even on your good days. Consistency is my saving grace.

You were a pillar of existence for me from the past. You are one of the biggest reasons for who I am today. And I am grateful for that, but I am afraid I have outgrown you. I reached me hand out to you, but I can't wait forever. As time passes, your significance in me wanes. The next action I take will have nothing to do with you from now on.

I say this, but a part of me hopes for the day my brother properly matures. Isn't it funny? After all the things he put me through, I still have hope. I have hope that one day, I can relax and have a conversation with him without walking on eggshells. I suppose I'm a walking contradiction. I say all these things about cutting him off right. Being resolute means, you can't have any doubt in your decision but I'm full of nothing but doubts. But I suppose that only makes me human.

You're no longer an example for me not to follow. You are a person who used to be relevant in life. You shall become the first person I cut off from my life. Don't worry, it's better this way, for the both of us. Goodbye brother dearest.

Dear stranger,

I have poured my heart out to you about the words that should've reached my brother. Perhaps I didn't prepare the right words for him. Is that why? I can't reach him. I wonder what your thoughts are.