“Number 32, calling number 32.”

I looked at my ticket stub, even though I already knew that it wasn’t my number. Behind me, a man who seemed like he was as wide as I was tall snorted loudly as he laughed at something on his phone. The smell of cigarettes stained the stale air, the acrid smoke a welcome diversion from the stink of sweat and fast food that was all I could smell earlier. I looked for something, anything, to make the time go by faster. No such luck, only pale green tiles and human indolence as far as the eye can see. Bastard didn’t even have a clock.

“Calling number 33, number three three.” the bored receptionist said, idly filing her fingernails. I looked at my stub again, it still said number 50. By the seven hills, this was so frustrating.

It had only dawned on me once I’d walked a fair distance away from Vanafreya’s home. For all of my soul searching, for all of my planning, I had missed something crucial. Namely, though I knew where I had to go, I didn’t actually have a means of going there. Streaming wasn’t exactly a profitable venture (unless you’re Matsuri-hime), and my bank account couldn’t to handle an international flight, let alone six. And I wasn’t about go crawling back to Vanafreya, she’d probably give me something ludicrous, like a private jet, and I’d already taken enough as is. Fortunately, I knew someone close by who could solve my problems. Unfortunately…

“Number 33, last chance for number 33.” the receptionist lazily looked around, idly chewing on who knows what. She shrugged her shoulders and typed on her keyboard in a flurry of motion. “Number 31, calling Number 31.”

All right, I don’t have to take this. I stormed over to the receptionist’s desk. Before I was able to talk, she held out a finger.

“Ma’am, please take a seat and wait for your number to be called. Thank you and have a nice day.” she said with weary lethargy that assured me that this spiel had seen an inordinate amount of use.

“I need to speak with your boss. It’s urgent.” I said through gritted teeth. She was testing my patience, but it was beneath me to let her affect me.

“Ma’am please take a seat and wait for your number to be called.” She didn’t even look up.

“Just tell your boss that Luna’s here to see him, all right?” She looked up at me, her dull grey eyes sizing me up.

“Ma’am, I don’t know who you think you’re fooling, but Gary’s appointments with Ms. Luna are usually set after hours.” she said. She muttered the words “and for good reason” and “fucking pervert” in the direction of her boss’s office.

What the hell had he been up to since I last saw him? And why did he choose one of- of those with the same name as I did? Wait a second, could he be…

“Ma’am? Ma’am? Are you okay? Do you need a glass of water?” A hint of worry had actually crept up on her voice.

“Tell him his sister’s here to see him, okay?”

“Ma’am, I don’t care what kinda sick fucking shit you and Gary have going on-”

“Now see here, you-!”

“Lindsey, can you keep it down? I’m kind off in the middle of some- Oh.” The man stood in front of the now open office door.

“Hey, Gary, someone here to see you. Says she’s your sister.” said Lindsey, the receptionist, sarcasm practically oozing from every word.

“Lindsey.” said the man, looking at me with surprise. “Kindly clear my schedule for the next hour.”

“Next time, can you not schedule one of your dates during business hours? It’s kind off a bad look.” she said even as she began typing on her computer.

“Thank you Lindsey, that will be all.”

“Just saying.”

“That. Will be. All.” said the man, as he led me into his office.

If the reception area was unadorned to the point of austerity, my brother’s office was the exact opposite. Countless decorations plastered his walls and adorned his shelves. Faded blue hockey team pennants coexisted with glass trophies engraved with awards naming him “Number One in Customer Satisfaction”, with an asterisk so tiny as to be nearly invisible. Red velvet curtains clashed horribly with an emerald sofa that was overstuffed to the point of comedy. All these, much like the man with his long oily hair tied into a ponytail and his cheap suit barely fitting his slim frame, exemplified an aesthetic that could only be described as a plebeian’s idea of class. An impression that was I damn sure he carefully cultivated.

The people who would think this display was impressive would be easy marks, and the others who saw how tacky it was would think of my brother as a common huckster, they’d be too busy congratulating themselves over seeing through the ruse that they wouldn’t realize when he gutted them like fish.

I had to admire his genius, even if I hated how slimy and dishonourable it was with every fibre of my being. The grey haired god before me, in his ill fitting suit that drew attention away from his expensive golden watch, was someone who’d perfected the art of the con. He was the patron of liars, thieves, and, oddly enough, travellers. He was…

“Hydrargyrus. I need your help.”

“‘How’ve you been Hydrargyrus? Business treating you well?’, ‘Oh, I’m just fine, Luna! Thanks for asking!’ Y’know, like a normal person would. After not seeing someone for over half a millenium.” he said in a ridiculous falsetto that sounded nothing like me. He lit a cigarette and blew the smoke directly in my face.

“Hydrargyrus, I don’t have time for this.”

“No one’s even called me that in forever. y’know? It’s Gary now. Gary Russell. And I think Old Gary doesn’t have to take any of your sass, lil’ sis.” He leaned back, putting his grimy penny loafers up on the desk, and continued smoking without a care.

“I know I’m not in a position to make demands-”

“In the same way that the ocean is a little wet, sure.”

“-bastard-, but I wouldn’t come to you without ample reason.” Mostly because dealing with you is about as pleasant as lying in bed with a den of irate vipers. “So if you’d please just hear me out. I would be forever grateful.” You complete and utter ass.

He dropped his cigarette and looked at me, his face one of shock.

“I must be getting old. I could’ve sworn that I just heard you beg for something.”

“I’m not begging per se…” I said, but he was already well into one of his speeches.

“Imagine, the great and powerful Luna Invicta, goddess of war and mistress of the moon. Undefeated in battle, to whom all glory flows. Imagine that proud goddess, that paragon of might, asking me, little old me, for something? Weak old Hydrargyrus who was, oh how’d you put it again?” said Hydrargyrus as he melodramatically placed his hand upon his chin and pretended to think. “Oh, I remember! I was a ‘charlatan whose words were as worthless as his deeds were base. A man whose being was so fundamentally vulgar as to sicken me with his very presence.’”

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

He chuckled to himself. “You always did have a way with words, lil’ sis.” he said, producing another cigarette from his pocket. “There’s no way that someone like that would ever lower herself to ask, nay, beg me for help. Isn’t there?”

I kept my silence. His face lit up with glee.

“Ahahaha! This is rich! This is way too rich!” He had to stop, so strong was his mirth that he couldn’t continue talking. He loudly banged on his desk, all pretensions of dignity gone. “I don’t know which is funnier, that you, of all people, would willingly come to me, or that you’d actually thought that I’d listen to you! Ahahaha! Seven hills, this is too much!” He’d actually fallen from his chair, and was now rolling on the floor, laughing so hard that I was afraid his face would split in half. Or was it that I wanted it to?

“Are you done?”

“Hold on, let me check.” he let out a few giggles more and straightened himself out. “Okay, yeah. I’m done.” He sat at his desk, idly drumming his fingers. Seconds passed, his laughter still echoing in my mind.

“So… why are you still here?” he asked, the steady tapping of his fingers on his desk like a particularly annoying woodpecker, “Can’t you take a hint? Get out.”

“Hydrargyrus…” It would be so easy just wring his stupid little throat, just one broken neck, that’s all I need. “…I’m not asking you to do this for free.”

“Oh really?” He was like a snake who had just found a hapless mouse. “I don’t think you have anything that’ll really convince me. I’d love for you to prove me wrong. But that’s going to be really unlikely now, isn’t it, Ms. LadyAstair?”

Of course he’d know about that. It would be just like him to enjoy watching me die inside on stream.

“I’m not talking about money.”

“Obviously. Look at you. You look like one you’re in one of those commercials for one of those cheap-ass travel agencies, what with the tacky backpack and those grungy ass clothes. And I should know, I own a cheap-ass travel agency. Come to think of it, that’s probably why you’re here.” He looked deep in thought for a few moments, then that devilish grin. “All right, you have my curiosity. What do you want me to do for you?”

“Six tickets, all expenses paid, and your protection.”

“Beg pardon?”

“Six tickets, all expense paid, to any destination of my choosing, to be determined as I go. And your protection as Patron of Travellers. I want a guarantee that I’ll be safe for as long as I’m in transit.”

“And you call me greedy…” He shook his head in disbelief. “So long as we’re dreaming things, would you like for your seats to be first class as well?”

“I mean that’d be nice-”

“It ain’t gonna happen, lil’ sis!” he said. “‘Sides, what’d you even need my protection for in the first place? Oh I see, that’s just you playing hard ball, huh? Classic negotiation tactic, ask for the ludicrous and haggle it down to the things that you actually want. Nice try, but it ain’t gonna work… on…” His eyes widened with realization when he saw that was not budging.

“By Lupa, you’re actually serious.” he said as he slumped on his chair. “I’m not even gonna ask what you need my protection for, there’s no way this deal’s happening. Nothing you have will be enough for what you’re asking.”

“Five hundred years worth of faith.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Did I stutter?” I said, staring him down.

“You think I’m so easily bought out? Get real. Your offer might seem huge to you, but I make that much per decade. Two if I’m really hurting.” He met my gaze with one of his own, his expression dead serious. “You’re still hanging around that Northern bimbo, right? You probably wouldn’t have to try to hard if you wanted to scam her.”

“Do not talk about my sister that way!” I said, my temper flared and I drew upon my power. How dare he sully her name like that. How dare he- oh. His smile was wider than ever. I’ve made a terrible mistake.

“You’re still calling that Northerner your sister, huh? If only Metia could see you now.” he said, triumph clear in his voice. “I had a feeling that faith you had wasn’t originally yours. And you’ve proven it, that power you just showed felt unmistakably foreign. Wintry, even.” His delight was almost palpable now. He got me. I knew what he was, what he was capable of, and he still got me.

“Interesting, that. Not everyone would give that much faith for free, not even if they had loads to spare. She must really like you. Such a poor judge of character.”

“Please, just leave her out of this.” I said. I was defeated, but I’ll be damned if I let him drag her into this mess.

“Six tickets, and my protection it is!” he said, rubbing his hands together. “But I don’t want your faith. That ship has sailed. I want Valerie Frey.”

“Hydrargyrus!”

“To star in my commercials, attend meet and greets, and generally be my agency’s brand ambassador. For about three or so years… What are you looking at me like that for?” he asked.

“Sorry, I thought you were going to ask her to do something…” I coughed, my cheeks red. “…else. Something shameful.”

“What do you me- Oh hell, no! Come on, no!” he said as I shot him a questioning glance. “Why’d you even think that?”

“Well, there was this talk about a Ms. Luna…”

“Those were all completely consensual and anyone who says otherwise is a filthy liar!” he said, his composure completely gone. “Where would you even- Lindsey. it had to be Lindsey. If you weren’t so damn good at what you do, I swear…”

I cleared my throat loudly, trying to bring our conversation back on track, and away from all of that… unpleasantness.

“You know that she’ll never agree to this. Vanafreya, I mean. She’s at the height of her career, shilling for your two-bit agency would be an indelible stain on her reputation.”

“Oh I know she won’t listen if I were to ask her. But what about if it was you who asked? The one person she unconditionally gave a thousand years worth of faith to? Oh, I knew exactly how much you had from the very beginning, by the way. Trying to shortchange me while we’re in my domus is kind of dumb. Real dumb.”

“Even then- Even if I were to ask her, there’s no guarantee that she’ll say yes.” I said, with words that rang hollow even to me. There are no guarantees true, but Vanafreya has always been kind to me. And that kindness is one that I didn’t want to exploit any more than I have.

“Well then, I guess you’ll just have to try extra hard.” he said. He held out his hand. “Six tickets and my protection, for a favour; you doing your utmost to convince Valerie Frey to become my brand ambassador.”

“Just for three years?”

“Not a day more.” he said. “Also, I reserve the right to cancel this deal whenever I wish. That way you don’t get any bright ideas, like booking a ticket to Antarctica just ‘cause, or deliberately trying to harm yourself while in transit. Capisce?”

“Unlike you, I engage all of my deals in good faith.” I tried to shake his hand, only for him to pull it back at the last minute.

“One last thing. One final price. Otherwise this deal’s off.” his eyes twinkled with impish delight. “Say I’m better than you.”

“What.”

“Say. Out loud. That I. Am. Better. Than. You.” he said.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Man, if only you’d said surely, I’d have pulled out the ‘Shirley’ routine. Classic. But, yeah. I’m serious. Say, with your words, that you, Luna Invicta, lost to me, Hydrargyrus. And as such, by definition, I. Am. Better than you.”

“I never figured that you’d be this petty.”

“Clock’s a-ticking, LadyAstair~. Chop chop, I don’t have all day.” he began waving the fingers on his hand, flaunting his win right in my face. Much as I wanted to just break his arm and look elsewhere, what other choice did I have.

I took a deep breath, and through gritted teeth, I said,

“Hydrargyrus, you are-”

“-a worthless excuse of a god and if I had the time, energy, and resources, I would devote all of them to stomping out all your statues, icons, and any and all mentions of your name, so that you’ll slowly starve to death as you’re denied faith. And when you start fading away into the aether, I will appear before you and laugh right in your smug little face, and everyone will celebrate as the world becomes a brighter place without you in it, you miserable blight upon all that is righteous and pure!”

The other passengers stared at me, and then went back to whatever it was they were doing. I grumbled as I fastened my seat belt.

Bastard didn’t even get me a first class seat. I was in economy. Not even premium economy, an oxymoron if there ever was one, but economy. There was barely any leg room, the seat smelled vaguely of vomit, and the only thing that I could see in front of me was a broken LCD screen. All in all, my flight to Brazil was promising to be a miserable experience. At least I had a window seat.

“A friendly reminder to all that, in order to not disturb our passengers while they sleep, all windows must remain closed for the duration of the flight. Thank you and have a good night!”

Gods damn it!

In the darkness, illuminated solely by the soft glow of emergency strip lighting, the rest of the plane slept. I, however, was completely awake. I can’t believe I was actually going on this insane journey. The dull drone of the plane’s engines did nothing to help my nerves. What could be awaiting me in Rio? And what had I gotten Vanafreya into? Questions for later, right now I had to plan my approach.

“Excuse me, you look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?” The blonde woman wrapped in a blanket next to me tapped me on the shoulder. Her piercing blue eyes stared at my face, gauging me.

“No, I don’t think so.” I turned away, only to stop as her grip on my shoulder tightened like a vise.

“My mistake. I’ve killed so many of your kind that you all start blending together.” Her eyes began to glow bright gold, her blanket burned away, revealing an immaculate white robe that billowed in the non-existent wind. I saw then that she wasn’t resting on her seat, she was floating inches from it. As if she was too pure to touch an impure world. Upon her forehead burned a name that I knew too well. A name that I hated beyond anything else in this world.

“Greetings, pagan filth.” said the messenger of El, a halo of light began to surround her head. “Prepare to die.”