I have to admit, girls, you're good, you prepared. But...

But this is too much. What was the point of going on about it when we both knew she wouldn't shoot? At least, I was really hoping so. That's why, to avoid tormenting my soul and dragging out this circus longer than necessary, I strode confidently toward my sister, who had even managed to tense up a bit. For a moment, I was even scared that my actions might cause Nataliel to pull the trigger.

I reached out and took the gun. Sometimes, I think democracy and freedom of speech are the devil's tricks, playing on our nerves.

Nataliel gave me a reproachful look, practically scolding me.

"What's the matter? It's not real; you said so."

"That's correct," I replied calmly, not showing any sign of concern.

"Tsk..." was all she could muster. "So much for your swear..."

I quickly checked the magazine, releasing it...

Empty.

Then, I looked into the chamber.

Also empty.

I knew it... Yet I heard my own sigh of relief. I was at a loss for words to express my thoughts. And I wasn't angry at Nataliel, not at all. I lacked words to tell how scared I was when I thought it really might be loaded. That... that... idio... beloved sister almost gave me a heart attack.

"So, it was you, right?" she asked. "That building, it was you, wasn't it?"

Had Natali and Nataliel decided to play detectives? Trying to link me to what they fear? Although unlikely, they belong to those who always sense something: with their hearts, souls, or maybe their impulses, but they do sense. Therefore... no, they surely know something. Just because it's them, though I can't explain it, and I have no proof.

"No, it wasn't. The gun was just given to me," I replied.

"Nurdauleth, we can tell when you're lying," Natali chimed in. "Why?"

"Why what?" I glared at her discontentedly.

"Why are you lying to us?"

"Because you're meddling in my business. Who even allowed you to enter my room? To snoop through my stuff?" I started to get angry. They were accusing and blaming me, though they had no concrete evidence.

"Would it have been better if Mother walked in and saw the gun sticking out of your stuff on the bed?!" Nataliel retorted. "You're supposed to be smart, but you don't think at all! Why did you bring it?!"

"I don't need your permission for this," I responded coldly.

"You don't? Great! Then let's start bringing drugs home along with weapons or whatever you're involved in out on the street!" Natali raised her voice. "Let's store stolen goods in our house!"

Something similar was once told to me by Mom; only I had brought home a wounded sparrow that time. Should I be surprised if they are her daughters?

"Don't exaggerate. I brought a gun, and it was unloaded."

"But a gun! Such things have no place at home!"

"So what?"

They both fell silent. They looked at me as if they couldn't recognize me. But I couldn't understand what I did to them to make them so upset. A gun? So what? Yes, I brought it, but it was unloaded! Now what?

"You don't understand," Nataliel said softly.

"You don't understand at all," Natali echoed.

"No, not a bit," I nodded.

"But we do understand," Natali kept her gaze on me. "You've gotten too carried away with this job if you can't see the basic things."

Carried away?

"Carried away? Seriously?" My eye twitched. So did my entire nervous system, causing me to laugh. Not loudly, but it took me a while to calm down. "So, this is how you see it? A game? Jokes? That I'm having fun, and I'm GETTING A KICK OUT OF THIS LIFE?!" I yelled towards the end and threw the pistol at the wall. Because it was made of drywall, the impact left a visible dent.

"Then why did you get involved in the first place?! Why the hell did you go there?!" Nataliel raised her voice, ready to snap herself.

"Why the hell? For this very reason!" I approached the drawer, pulled out the money, and threw it at her. "Or do you think your drugs appear out of thin air?! Do you think I risk bullets just for fun?!"

Silence again. Either they're taking a break for a new attack, or they're considering what I've said.

"So, it was still you," Natali said in a final, relentlessly cold voice. "You were there."

"Yes, and so what? Will you go and tell Mom? Or maybe Dad?" I snarled. "Go ahead, run, tell them, and take this money as evidence. They'll lock me up, and your sister will die. That would be the proper thing to do, right?"

"Don't you dare use me as an excuse," Nataliel's voice was full of threat and coldness.

"I'm not making excuses. I'm saying how it will be," I replied just as coldly. "I might go down for ten or maybe twenty years. But you won't have a chance to see me again. And Natali will be very happy, right?"

"I'm not worried about myself!" Natali shouted.

"Then who the hell are you worried about!?"

"ABOUT YOU, YOU BRAINLESS CHILD!" She yelled with tears in her eyes. "YOU STUPID IDIOT! I DON'T CARE IF THE MONEY IS DIRTY OR NOT! WE'RE AFRAID THAT...

She turned away and cried loudly, hiding her face in her hands.

"We're afraid that next time, instead of you, our father will come and tell us that you're gone!" Nataliel continued for her. "You don't understand how we feel. We don't want you to be shot dead on some street like those junkies and thugs! I pray to God every day that it won't happen!"

"You're praying in vain. There is no God."

"There is!"

"Then where is he?!" I looked around. "Where is your God?! Where is his damn help?! There's none! God, strike me with lightning if I'm wrong!" I looked up at the ceiling, spreading my arms. "If I'm wrong, strike me with your lightning or at least turn off the lights in this room!" I stood like that for a few seconds, then looked at Natali. "Apparently, he's not home. Or he doesn't exist at all."

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Nataliel was looking at me, her lips pursed.

"You can't even imagine how hard it is for us because of what you're doing."

"Oh my God, it must be so hard for you, right?!" Anger was starting to burn inside me. "I mean, it's nothing like dealing with the lowest scum of society, dodging bullets, bearing with those who kill or rape someone seven times a day, and pretending like nothing's happening around you! And I'm just sixteen, for God's sake! So forgive me for not appreciating your oh-so-important and challenging work! Must be tired, huh?! Maybe I should bring you some tea?!"

"Then why the hell are you getting involved!? I never asked you to do anything like this! For these damned money?!"

"Yes! For these damned money! To buy those damned medicines that don't do a damn thing! So you can live!"

"I never asked you to do this!" she shouted. "Who's asking you to get involved?!"

"The fact that you're my sister?! The fact that I love you and I give a damn?!"

"And what now?! It's me who's sick! I'm the one dying, not you!"

"Then why don't you just die and stop torturing us anymore?!" I shouted back before I even thought about what I was saying.

The last thing I wanted to tell her… was the truth. The truth about how I might love her, but I'm tired of waiting for the grim news.

The problem isn't that someone wishes for another's death. The problem is that you love this person so much yet realize you're running out of strength. It hurts so much that you stop thinking about anything else but the pain. Knowing that you can't really fix anything, you hope they die as soon as possible. If there were a chance, you'd fight, but when there's none...

Sometimes, when a person is dying, you wish for their death so they stop suffering. But this time, it's different.

Nataliel flinched as if slapped. She looked at me with a startled gaze I had never seen before. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for air as she tried to say something. But not a single sound came out.

She just turned around and rushed out of the room, leaving me and a crying Natali alone.

And why am I not surprised that this happened? Maybe because all the shit and fears that had built up in us over these two months had to find an outlet? Two months of worry and anxiety. It couldn't have just passed without a trace.

They worry about me, but why don't they understand that I'm much more afraid than they are? They say they don't need this, but then why should I suffer too? Why won't they meet me halfway and just support me? I'm not saying they should support me in this matter, but why not support me as a person? It's hard for me too...

"And what have you achieved with this stunt?" I asked tiredly. "Was it worth it? Tears, grievances..."

"What are you doing?.." Natali murmured, looking at me with wet eyes. "What are you doing..."

"I'm doing what I have to," I replied, trying to compose myself.

"Do you not understand how much you're hurting us?" she sobbed, looking at me.

I wanted to respond. Oh, how I longed to hit back with words, as painfully as I could, because they themselves refuse to understand.

But that won't solve the problem - it'll only make everything worse. The only way to sort this out and set things straight now is to talk calmly and explain what they most likely can't see.

"You say I don't understand how painful and scary it is for you. That you're worried, and I don't think about you. But then what about me? What about my feelings, Natali? I go to hell and back, dealing with people I'd rather kill. I see things I'd rather not see. I'm constantly scared. Why can't you understand what I'm experiencing? Why can't you listen to my feelings?"

"We do listen..."

"And then you do this? I come home but meet resentments, fighting, and misunderstanding. It sucks there, but it's not any better here because you two start nagging at me instead of supporting or at least understanding me."

"You don't have to do this," she muttered quietly.

"Then tell me you want Nataliel to die. Go on, Natali, say it."

"I don't want to choose..." she sobbed.

"But you have to. And while I have a chance to come out unscathed and earn the money we desperately need, she doesn't have that chance."

She's silent. Crying.

I sighed.

"I know it's hard for you. I know you're worried because I, too, am worried about Nataliel. I'm worried that no one will call me next time, or they will, but with bad news. It's hard, yes. And I feel this, then I feel the pressure at work, and once at home, I'm met with this argument... How do you think I feel? Easy? I'm not just thinking about myself, which is why I try to involve you in my life as little as possible. Just so you won't worry. I try not to talk about my work so you won't be anxious and waiting at the door, your heart skipping a beat every time it opens. But I really want to vent. To talk about what's happening there, for someone to listen to me, to lighten my heart. But I can't. And all of this is inside me right now. And you, damn you, caused such a scene..."

Inhale, exhale. I need to calm down a bit, or I'll completely lose it. My sisters, oh, how they upset me. But that's what sisters are for, I guess. Only those who love you argue with you because they care. If they didn't care, there wouldn't be any argument - we'd just go to our separate rooms.

"I love you both. And I love Nataliel very much. It's just that I'm tired. And I'm doing this not because I want to or because I enjoy it. I do this because it's the only way out."

"You're killing people, and that's just not right…"

"I don't kill people. At least, I almost don't," it sounded strange, but it was the only thing that came to mind. "What I'm doing makes money, and as long as that's the case, I'll keep doing it. I'll do whatever I can if it saves her."

"And you'll kill a man?"

I turned away. Chances are I've already killed, and not just once. Naturally, now that I've crossed the line, I probably won't stop if I have to do it again.

"If I have to."

"If you have to… But Nataliel doesn't want her life built on the lives of others. She doesn't want you to kill so that she can live."

At first, I wanted to ask how she could possibly know, but then I remembered who Natali is. Remembered that no one knows Nataliel better than she does. Perhaps she really does convey her sister's feelings.

They are so grown up yet so foolish.

"Because she's too kind," I sighed. "But everyone I work with chose this path. We chose it, and we know what it can lead to. All these criminals are not saints, and everyone knows perfectly well how it can all end. And since they chose it, they are ready to face the consequences. Even Nataliel's death is the life of others. Someone dies, someone survives. Contract killings, drugs, insurance fraud, even simple wars - all this happens because the life of some is built on the bones of others. I just want our sister to build her life, not to serve as a foundation for someone else."

"You're talking like them!"

"I am them."

I walked over and picked up the money I had thrown at Nataliel.

"Here, take this and buy the medicine. You can discuss this with the doctor, to switch to more expensive ones, maybe it will help. To hit it hard with strong pills to end this. Anyway, there will be more soon."

"I won't take them," she shook her head. "I don't want to."

"If you think this will affect me, like, if you don't take this money, then I'll stop doing this, then you're wrong. Take it."

"Or what?" she looked at me defiantly. This was a challenge. I don't understand her stubbornness; I don't understand why she resists so fervently.

Actually, I do understand, because of me, because of the feeling of contradiction, hoping that I will suddenly come to my senses, but… can't she see how hard this is for me? That she's only making it worse?

"Do you need a reason?"

"What will you do if I don't take them?" Natali repeated. Right now, she looked less like my sister than ever before.

"Do you want to hurt me?" I asked. "After everything, do you want to pour acid on my wounds one more time? You understand better than me that this is our only choice - either I do this, or Nataliel dies right before our eyes. But so far, I've been doing this successfully, whereas the chances of her recovering on her own are slim. So please, don't hurt me. Just accept them and do what is necessary."

She shifted her gaze between me and the money, wrestling with herself internally. In my opinion, the hardest thing is to overcome oneself. But in the end, logic overcame feelings, and Natali took the stacks of money from my hands. She sighed, looked at them, then threw herself around my neck and held me tight.

"You're a fool."

"I've never met a smart person," I replied. "We're all fools to some degree."

"I worry so much about you. My sister and I are beside ourselves," she sighed. She squeezed even tighter, then let go, wiping away her already-drying tears.

"I'll come later. I need to talk to Nataliel."

"You said some terrible words to her."

"I'm just really tired, but everything will be tip-top."

At least I hope you'll manage to, if not support me, not make things worse.

When Natali left, wishing me a good night, I, feeling my legs give way, lay down on the bed. The pain from the wounds returned. And as soon as I lifted the shirt I was wearing, I realized that they had started to bleed again. They burn, they hurt, they drill like a toothache, but in my limbs.

Tomorrow will probably be even worse.

So, forcing myself with all my might, as if drawing power from my own gloom, I started undressing to change the bandages. I dread to think what would happen if I got an infection. And if my sisters find out about the wounds... they would crush me, if not physically, then morally. They're already on edge, and seeing how close the bullets came, they'd have a fit.

***

Natali left with her head held high, keeping herself under control. Her face was as calm as a porcelain mask. She reached her room, extended her hand to the doorknob... and dropped the money.

She leaned her back against the wall and slid down to the floor, hiding her face in her knees. Quiet sobs came from her. She understood how hard it was for her brother to go through all this. But these two months... Natali tried to be strong, as it was much tougher for him than for them.

And still, choosing between her twin and her brother, she would have chosen him. That's what Nataliel herself would have wanted. Because her death... it was just her fate. But not his.