I knew exactly what it was even though it's the first time I was seeing it and feeling it, it was Death.

Death was staring at me.

Death was holding me.

Death was devouring me.

An ocean so immense than the universe itself or so what it seemed to me.

An ocean that water was fear itself, a fear so dense and heavy.

A grain of dust that's what I was in this ocean of death.

Time and Space have no meaning in this unchanging world because nothing was there or at least that's what it supposed to be.

I was this impurity that gave time and space a meaning, thus this unchangeable world denied me and crushed me. I resisted time and again with this weak formless me. I resisted until I broke in million pieces. I resisted until I lost the meaning of myself, the meaning that I was. I resisted until I had almost no meaning.

I didn't know why such persistence, but I had this feeling that I have to go somewhere, I may have forgotten the reason and lost it to this world but this burning desire was so deeply engraved on me, so deeply entrenched to my being that it was almost inseparable.

I shed everything only my ego and what remained of my memory was kept, but it was just a question of time, a time that funny enough, my mere existence gave meaning and a time that will perish with me.

Am I alive or already dead? A legitimate question for this more than unusial situation.

After what seemed like a long time, was it a year, hundred years or maybe was it a million years? Something happened, something other than me happened in this world. A very small dot of light that is easily missed was born. I was happy that my resistance was not futile. Maybe it's rewarding me that I persisted and endured. My despair was so deep that even a dot of light was a happy moment

But that dot of light kept growing and growing until it became like the sun, so bright and powerful, so big and imposing.

Then I was inside it. Instead of being hot and fiery it was warm and soft. My broken self started to mend itself. It seem that this star like existence healed me and nursed me to good health

I remembered where I have to go, but still, some parts of my memory were missing, though I was serene because I knew what to do at least.

With only my intent the star like existence started to expand quickly with unmatched power and vigor until what it seemed like infinity then retract as quickly until what it seemed like nothingness, then soon after as I intended, it exploded like a supernova while I'm inside it. At that instant brightness emerged so intense it blows darkness out of existence from this ocean of death-like-world and finally a path toward my final destination was created.

                                                                                     ★ ★ ★

I felt weak and small and somehow had an urge for screaming and I screamed so hard and loud, I felt so helpless that I gave in for such desire.

My lungs were inhaling air and it felt refreshing like the first time breathing in my life.

My eyes slowly opened but it was so bright like if my eyes opened to daylight for the first time in my life. I felt proud that I could finally open my eyes and shame that I had to fight myself to accomplish this mundane task.

I took the time to adjust my eyes to the light and slowly started to pick what it was in front of me while shamefully screaming like my life was depending on it.

A bright face, a warm smile was aimed at me. I knew exactly who she was.

Mother.

Mother was smiling at me. She seemed exhausted and weak but her smile was exuding energy like the sun. I felt appeased and warm inside.

Oh! This is now clear. This is something from deep down my memory, the day I was born, though I could not remember such event normally but here such events are happening like it's in the present.

There is a good reason I didn't think I went back in time, I may be in synch to what happen to this body because I'm subjected to the same bodily sensation and urges, but I'm clear on this; I'm not the one in control, only an observer, so it's fine to consider this a dream or an enhanced viewing of the past, an idea I settled for to calm my heart for the moment.

Mother was holding me and feeding me, I should feel shame, but didn't. The most normal thing in the world a mother feeding and bonding with her baby I thought.

Soon after more nostalgic voices were heard though they seemed younger than my memory remember them to be.

Count Allan Von Exel, lord of Renz domain, a staunch defender of the east border of Val kingdom, a brave loyal subject of the court... that happens to be my father.

That's what this maiden in tears like existence is supposed to be at least.

"Julianne, I'm so proud of you" with a running nose and a face drown in tears someone that I deny the existence declared.

Please give me back my respect. I don't remember such weak father!

Well, joke aside, my father was known to be a strong and reliable lord, loved by his subject, yet weak to his family especially mother.

I loved both sides of him so much until one side of them died forever...

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

"Is this my new little brother?" a boy age between 5 or 6 with an upbeat personality and radiant smile asked mother.

Ron Von Exel, first son of the Exel family, heir of the Renz domain that happens to be my elder brother. As long as I can remember Brother Ron's presence lightened the mood and made people around him at ease, brother was a genius at making friends, with only his presence, people flocked to him in parties and gathering, he certainly was popular.

"Hey mother can I hold him, please" with puppy eyes brother appealed to mother.

"Not now I'm feeding him" though mother could see through his sly act at using her motherly instinct.

Behind father, a boy age 4 to 5 was gripping father's feet. He was very shy and didn't have the same fervor as brother Ron.

Brother Rik, second son of the Exel family certainly shared the same curiosity as brother Ron to see his new little brother, but he didn't have the same courage to expresses his feelings. With a reserved personality brother Rik unlike Brother Ron who liked the good company, he appreciated more quite places like the library or the study room of grandfather. Surprisingly he had a lot of admirers because of his cool personality.

Father knew about Rik's feelings, thus he didn't push him and waited, though a certain devilish elder brother didn't have such consideration.

Ron gripped Rik by hand and started to run toward me.

Rik was face to face with me. I wanted to say I won't bite so you can appreciate your cute little brother at your ease, but my worry was for naught.

Rik was smiling at me. He certainly didn't like what Ron did, but that face told me he didn't mind.

"Cute." only a word said Rik with a low voice.

Yes yes, I'm the cutest baby in the world. Keep worshiping me. Keep praising me.

"Mother, what's my little brother name" eagerly asked Ron with avid curiosity

"Name" uttered Rik with a low and shy voice.

A question that I know the answer, but who can say he is not curious to see the events that brought him to receive his own name, thus I'm equally curious as my brothers for an entirely different reason.

In our land, there is a custom that says it's bad to name a child before he is born. The reason was simple and thoughtful, a case of stillborn was not rare and it's merciful to the family to not have a name of a dead child to remember it with and get torn and chagrined with such memory.

So I was certain that my name was yet to be known at this point of time.

Mother seemed to not know what to say to her child so she gave a look to father. This one understood and wore a dignified expression like if his earlier lame demeanor was a lie. With the resolution to announce my name apparently in his face, he started to articulate.

"I have a good idea. Rik should be the one to name this little one." Of course, it was not father. It was Ron with his strange whims.

"Ron don't be silly. Your father will..." Mother had yet to stop Ron when.

"I don't mind." Father surprised us, and that including me. I was unaware of this twist. Was Rik really the one that gave me my name?

Rik was in full panic not knowing what to say or do. His face turned to mother looking for help

"If your father doesn't mind then I have nothing to say. Please give your little brother a beautiful name." With a smile, mother betrayed Rik expectation. His face became pale all of a sudden.

Then Rik turned to father.

Father with an easygoing bearing kneeled until he had the same height as Rik. He looked to him, face to face into his eyes

"Son, you have a little brother, do you know what that mean?"

Rik was dripping sweat with his mouth gapping up and down without voicing any words.

"It means you have someone to look after and protect, someone that needs your care and love. You are not the youngest anymore. You are a big brother now.

You look after your little brother.

Ron the elder looks after both of you.

Your mother looks after you children.

I look after the whole family.

This is what a family means. This is what loving your family means"

Rik was flabbergasted. Father's words soothed his anxious heart and then soon after his face reverted from surprise to peacefulness.

"I understand" muttered Rik with a rarely composed tone.

We were waiting for him to announce my name.

Though father earlier did seem like he had a name of his own to give, but he abstained when this unexpected development happened. I wonder what name would I have had if this didn't happen.

Father would you have answered me if I asked.

I bet you will say I don't remember and brush it aside. That would be more like you if you did.

Rik faced me and looked me into the eyes, I felt excited for some reason. His face radiated confidence and looked more like his older self, the one from my memory as a child.

"When I first saw you I thought you are as beautiful as a ray of light, so your name will be Ray."

For some few seconds, everybody was in a daze. Rik, I have fallen for you. Were you this cool? Now that I remember he always was.

Ray Von Exel third son of the Von Exel family, that's my name that my second elder brother gave me.

Now that I think about it, father's words to Rik resonated deeply with him and sealed Rik's role to be my protector, I always loved brother's care and attention, but I was ignorant of its origin.

I never imagined that such burden, such words, will forever deprive me of sharing the pain with brother, weeping with brother; even those emotions were severed from my heart by brother.

Only an ignorant and happy fool I was when my brother was suffering

Only an ignorant and happy fool I was when brother was crying in the dark.

You know brother even though it hurts I wanted to suffer with you, grieve and cry our losses and console our saddened hearts.

But at the end I stayed an ignorant and happy fool, until you left me, brother, then the veil broke and I became alone.

Ron hugged Rik tightly, Ron was happy and proud.

Hidden in mischief, Brother Ron's care, always shining with emotions, but incapable to be sincere with himself, but I can see through your care brother Ron, I see that you pushed Rik to have courage and confidence that he need, but I'm sure you will deny it and say it was fun to see Rik's awkward face instead.

"Air" uttered Rik with great effort to Ron who was unknowingly strangling him.

"Sorry sorry." Apologized Ron with an angelic smile that may make you doubt that he is a playful and sly child.

Then everyone started to laugh. Happy times that's what it was, I nearly forgot that such times even happened.

"It's a beautiful name" Mother amply approved.

"Do you like your name, Ray?" Mother asked the infant me.

Yes, I like it mother, but mother my baby self might not understand... Soon after my face started to form what it look like a smile, it was probably a coincidence, but I prefer to think that my baby self really liked the name.

"Ray such simple and beautiful name. I like it. You did well Rik." Father's words sealed the question of my name.

Rik only nodded with his eyes looking down out of shyness though a tinge of pride was hidden in his faint smile.

I feel drowsy, this infant me will soon fall asleep.

Will I continue to exist in this body after my infant-self fall asleep?

What if I don't?

I'm scared. I don't want to cease to exist like this. I still want to be with Father, Ron, Rik and Mother. After losing you all, I have to lose you again. What a sick joke is this?

I hate this.

I despite this!

I'm not sure if this is the end, in fact, I have no idea that leads me to believe in either possibility, but when you get something so dear to you after losing it for so long, you can only be horrified and panicked.

I hope this is not the end from the bottom of my heart if this is the end then...

Like a merciless despot, drowsiness invaded my mind and cut to pieces the remaining of my consciousness, only a small droplet of wakefulness lingered.

"Are you sleepy my child?" asked mother with a soft and gentle voice out of consideration for my drowsy self.

I guess this is a fitting end, it started and it will end with you, mother.

Mother, you were the first to leave us to that treacherous sickness.

Mother, I have so much to say to you...

When you left, father lost his soft and gentle side only showing a fake strong front, but deep down his heart weakened and became brittle.

Our hearts weakened when we most needed to be strong.

Our mind wavered when we most needed to be firm.

Mother, you were our strength, but we lost you so we became weak.

Mother, I love you.

Finally, the drowsiness became strong and my consciousness faded to oblivion.