Nil opened his eyes. He lying in bed in a sparely furnished room. Alice was sitting in a chair next to him.

"You alright?" Alice asked.

"Just dandy. Where am I?" he asked, sitting up.

"In a guest room in my house."

"Oh yeah, I collapsed. Did you carry me all the way here?"

"Yes, I did." She didn't look too happy about it.

"Well, thanks." He yawned. "I'm guessing you have questions."

She nodded. "What is that... thing," she asked, pointing to the gun on a table nearby.

"It's a revolver, and apparently it fires magical light beams that melt orcs."

She made a face as if that really didn't answer her question. 

"Did you have that with you the whole time?"

He shook his head. "Nope. At the critical moment, God summoned me or something and made me sign a contract."

"Then... are you a hero?"

"Considering I have no idea what a hero is, you'd have to decide that one."

She thought for a minute. "It all fits..."

"Could you perhaps... explain what a hero is? Actually, let me guess: it's a guy who makes a contract with God to obtain a sacred weapon and who is then duty-bound to kill monsters."

"That is... correct," she said, startled.

"Not a single original thought, damn," he mumbled.

"You don't know what a hero is? Speaking of that, where are you from? You wear strange clothes, and don't seem to know things you should. Are you a foreigner?"

"I'm from another dimension, or maybe I'm dreaming, or something. Who knows, I don't."

"Another dimension? That is a ridiculous statement... but then again..."

He slapped her on the back. "Ah, don't worry about it. I'm not."

As soon as she did, her face twisted in annoyance.

"Hah... if you were any other man in this village..." she said, looking as if she was holding back her anger.

"Hmm?"

"It... it is fine since you do not know the customs, but know this: I am a maiden of Corvo, and the only man who is allowed to touch me is my future husband. You would normally have your hands cut off, but I will not mention this incident in light of your ignorance."

"Really? So... I can't do something like this?" he asked, poking her in the arm.

"What are you doing!?" she yelled, recoiling. "Do you have a death wish!?"

"Oh, but I can't die, remember? Blessed by the writer. So, you know what that means?"

"W-what?"

He smirked. "The only option is to marry me!"

Her face reddened. "I-I'm not m-m-marrying you! You, you idiot!" She quickly grabbed a box from the table and threw it at him. Then, she marched out, huffing that, "I-I'll going to get the Disciplinary committee! Stop laughing, damn it!"

After she'd slammed the door shut, he stretched his arms out and yawned.

"Well, that was fun. Back to sleeping."

By the time he woke up, the sun had begun to rise, it's rays spilling through the window next to him. He heard a knock on the door.

"Yeah, I'm awake. Come in."

It was Alice, and she was holding a bowl of soup. "Have you fully recovered?"

He stared intently at the soup. "So that's the Disciplinary committee, huh... okay, okay, I'll shut up, don't throw that at me! Geez, that would really sting..."

She set the soup down onto the table next to his bed. "It's your fault for being so annoying. So, are you?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine now. It wouldn't be very exciting if I had to spend a month recovering from broken ribs every time I fought."

"Heroes truly do recover quickly..." she mumbled. "Anyway, after you finish eating, come with me to the Elder. He wishes to speak with you."

"Alright," he said, eating a spoonful of soup. "This is surprisingly good. Did you make it?"

"I-I did... erm, thank you, I guess..." she said, fidgeting a bit.

"Glad you're my wife."

"Don't bring that up again!" she yelled, looking for something to throw. Unfortunately, there was nothing within reach. Instead, she sent him a glare and stomped out.

"Hmm," he contemplated, "maybe I shouldn't piss her off so early in the day..."

After he finished, he stretched, placed his apparently godly revolver into his pocket, and met up with Alice in the common room. They set off for the Elder's house.

He looked around; there was nothing but sandstone and blue skies for as far as he could see. It was a significantly more... western environment than he'd expected. Wasn't this generic fantasy?

On the way, there were a few boys chasing each other with sticks. One of them fell down and looked as if he was about to cry. Alice quickly rushed over to comfort him.

"Weren't men forbidden to touch you?" Nil asked when they had left.

She made a face. "Well, they are, but they're just kids, right? It should be fine..." She looked at him accusingly. "You're not going to tell anyone, are you?"

He held up his hands defensively. "Don't worry about that, my alignment is chaotic good."

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

She continued to glare at him.

"Okay, okay, I swear I won't tell anyone."

After that, she relented.

"Geez. Hey, didn't you touch me when we were in that cave? And didn't you carry me here?"

"Those were emergency situations. It couldn't be helped."

"Oh, that's convenient."

After a while, they reached the Elder's house. It was... a small building, though larger than the rest, if marginally. Inside, the Elder greeted them. He was, as could be expected, an old, graying man.

"Welcome," he said, reaching out to shake Nil's hand.

"Hi, nice to meet you," he replied. 

"So you are the one Alice was speaking of..."

"Yep, I'm the one who's ma—"

She stepped on his foot.

"—managed to save her from a generic monster."

"Indeed, if you have the ability to defeat a darkling single-handedly, then you must be one of the chosen."

"Definitely chosen."

"A hero in our village; that is not something that happens often. We will offer any possible hospitality, though that may not be much. I can only apologize for that—we are small, not suited for the likes of you."

"Nah, it's alright. I do have some questions, though. Not sure if she told you this, but I need someone to spout pages of exposition, and it looks like it'll be you."

"Questions, hmm... ask away."

"She mentioned something about being a 'Maiden of Corvo'. Is that related to any particular religion?"

"Yes, we all worship our lord, Corvo."

"I see. So there is a church then, and the church has a hierarchy, no?"

"You are correct. The high ranking members of the Church are gifted by our lord to lead the holy knights, who, with our lord's blessing, have the ability to vanquish the forces of dark."

"Can anyone kill these darklings?"

The Elder shook his head. "No, only weapons dipped in the sacred waters of Corvo may harm them. That... and the weapons created by Corvo himself."

"Oh, you mean this thing?" he asked, taking the revolver out. "Your god really cares about safety. Revolvers don't usually come with safety locks."

"That is your sacred weapon, is it not? I must thank you; if Alice had died, we would be in quite dire straights..."

"Oh? Speaking of that, is there anything nearby to kill? Monsters? Bandits?"

The Elder looked troubled. "We have been... harassed by groups of darklings lately, but you need not concern yourself with that."

"And why is that?"

"A priest of Corvo should be coming sometime today. In fact, he should arrive right about now... His soldiers will eradicate the demons on his way."

"Coming? ...let me guess, he's marrying Alice, is he not?"

"How did you know?" Alice asked, shocked.

"How would I not know? The 'pure maiden' thing has been addressed so much recently that this was obvious."

"You are correct," the Elder said.

He turned and asked Alice, "Have you met the guy?"

"Well, er, uh..."

"Let me guess: he's fat, ugly, evil or cowardly."

"Uh..."

"All of the above? Damn. Well, it's not Ramsay Bolton, I guess. And you hate the guy but you have to marry him because else wise the town will be destroyed by the monster-thingies."

"It's my duty!" she protested.

He face-palmed. "Oh god, really..."

"Elder! He's here!" a voice yelled from the outside.

The old man coughed. "Well, it appears the priest has arrived. Shall we greet him? And you, hero, are invited, of course."

"Sure, I have nothing better to do."

They all stepped outside, where a white carriage had stopped on the street outside the house. It was surrounded by several mounted knights, all of whom looked rather intimidating. 

The carriage door opened and a predictably fat man appeared. He scanned the area until he found Alice. "Ah, you must be my new wife."

Nil rolled his eyes. "Damn, he looks like Jabba the Hut. Smells like him too."

"Come, Alice... we have much to discuss..." he said, beckoning with his thick fingers.

"A-alright," she said, slowly walking forward.

"You know, I would kill you if I didn't want to stay true to the plot."

"What!? Who said that!? Kill? ME!?" the priest screamed.

Nil pointed at himself. "I said it."

"Y-you—! Abram, arrest him!"

One of the knights dismounted and whispered something into the priest's ears.

"What!? You? A hero?"

"You're lucky this is aimed at adolescents. You can't do anything too rapey... Else, you'd be dead."

The priest looked as if he was fuming, but he didn't dare to say anything.

"Ah, whatever. I'm going to go chill somewhere." He looked over to the Elder. "Something bad is going to happen. When that happens, give me a call." 

He walked off, muttering about, "Damn old fat NTR bastards..."