A place that doesn’t exist...

Alisa Chernykh

A tiny light, pulsating slightly and shimmering with purple flashes, is drifting through the endless, immeasurable darkness.

Nothingness.

An absolute void.

The light starts to glow brighter.

The pulsation quickens. The flashes are growing more… stubborn. As if something is suppressing… and it’s resisting.

A soundless explosion! Waves of light flooded the space.

And then, everything vanished.

Void, complete, absolute void…

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Fragments of memories swirl around like pieces of shattered mirrors, but none of them is lingering for long. The kaleidoscope of visions from the past. Memories...

Here I am, trying to speak for the first time, croaking “Ma-a-aks-im...” and then everything fades to black...

Darkness again.

FLASH!

I open my eyes and realize suddenly – I have a body! I can feel! It exists!

I turn my head and see Maksim, who, for some reason, is looking at me in surprise.

“Maksim! It’s me!”

I just need to hug him! I’m running toward him…

I hear a sound – something has burst out of my back…

I stumble…

I fall… consciousness dims and darkness returns again.

FLASH!

I am abruptly yanked from the darkness. I find myself standing in some room.

Hard to remember… where am I? My head is buzzing slightly. I’m probably having a bad dream. Yes, this is definitely a dream! A nightmare!

I raise my hands to my eyes and see plastic.

“No! No! This isn’t real!”

Darkness clouds my vision... but the cameras are functioning correctly. Cameras? Where did that knowledge come from? Doesn't matter…

I realize that it’s gotten dark, but it’s not truly… It isn’t that darkness returning to me.

It’s me… suddenly… remembering everything.

A truck.

I turn my head and meet my brother’s eyes. He’s by my side. Always there for me, close by, especially when it’s difficult… when it’s scary. And right now, I’m so, so scared, just terrified! But I must be strong! And I will be strong! It’s a pity, though, that teardrops have welled up in the corners of my eyes…

“Here we go, Sis. It’s time. I wish I believed in some deity.”

“We’ll make it through. I’m sure of it. We have to.”

Max is tightly holding my hand…

And darkness.

I’m dead now.

I died during an escape from a place I’d rather forget forever.

Maksim survived.

And I did not.

It’s him, he created a body for me.

Why am I feeling this way then?

I am me.

Right?

Max doesn’t believe me. And it’s understandable. I wouldn’t believe it either. He recreated our father’s scheme: subconscious and memory processed on a separate computational cluster, and in the android’s body – an artificial brain emulating the functioning of the conscious circuit. All of this, together, reproduces the operation of my deceased biological brain… That very same CSF structure.

I understand this… And also understand that I am me.

Realization hits – I am trapped in a robot’s body.

And no one.

Ever.

Will believe me.

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Alisa is sitting on the shore, melancholically throwing stones into the water. Waves brush against her heels with a quiet rustle, as if calling her to follow them…

How long has she spent in this place, in her secret hideaway? Weeks? Months? Years? Centuries? Her own little nook, disconnected from time and space… Each time a random program glitch occurred or when the equipment failed and another processor burned out, she found herself here.

Alisa still shudders at the memory of what she had to endure before this desolate tropical beach – her own little world here – was created.

That time, she saw Max again – so real... so alive… She saw the reality again. Those plain walls and ceiling seemed beautiful to her. They were right here and now – an anchor to rely on and believe that “Yes! I think – and I truly exist!”

But something else happened. She remembered everything that had occurred.

It was then that Alisa realized she had DIED, but somehow remained – she was here and now – trapped in a robot’s body. It was both a curse and a relief. This unnatural, painfully imperfect body barely obeyed her, offering not even a fraction of her former capabilities. Yet, it granted her a long-forgotten sense of reality – after an endlessly period of non-existence, which seemed so horrific now.

The shock was all the more profound when it all vanished again.

Darkness and timelessness.

The void was creeping ever nearer. Slowly and imperceptibly consuming everything. Inexorably, and seemingly for a long time now.

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This is genuinely frightening. She doesn’t know which part of her has vanished this time, but she feels herself fading. In this darkness, her thoughts and memories are gradually dissipating.

“Is this still me – or am I gone? And who am I?”

Despair.

Enough of waiting and hoping. That moment with the body was fate’s last gift – a remission before the final extinguishing. Clearly, she wouldn't last long. Suddenly, a remembered phrase surfaces: “While we exist, death is not here; and when death does come, we no longer exist.” Epicurus…

“Funny, I remember the name of the ancient philosopher, but I’ve forgotten my own...”

She laughed bitterly.

“Why am I such an oddball – everything about me is unlike humans! Death has already come, yet I still exist. That philosopher guy lied! But it seems there’s no going back… It’s no use. And does that reality with the ridiculous robotic body even exist? Perhaps all this is just the final visions before I completely dissolve? Will that cursed ancient man be right, and I’ll disappear just like that?”

NO!!!

Anger spread out like wildfire throughout her entire being, scorching hopelessness and despair away.

“I still exist for now! Screw this void! That reality exists – and someone there is waiting for me. Someone tired, frustrated by his constant failures, but he still hasn’t given up! What kind of person would I be if I gave up, if I betray and abandon him?!”

She stomped her foot angrily – oh yes, her foot! Lowering her gaze, she suddenly saw her body – not a silly plastic one, but real, created and filled with fires of rage. Furthermore, she noticed that the surface where she stomped burst into flames, with fiery sparks scattered.

She shuddered with anger and… determination?..

“I don’t want to be in this void! Wherever I am now – I’m the only living creature in this space. Ergo, I rule here! And everything here will be as I decide! Me, Alisa! Away with the emptiness and darkness! Let there be sun, ocean, palm trees – and the wind that sways the grass!”

Alisa didn’t plan, didn’t think – she just screamed desperately, turning this grim abyss inside out with the force of her will, forming the first image that came to mind.

Then she tightly closed her eyes – and felt the forgotten tingling in her feet. She opened her eyes wide and saw that she was standing barefoot on sand – coarse, golden, sprinkled with tiny colorful stones and shell fragments – so, that’s what is pricking her heels! The sun shone brightly into her face, and right before her was stretching an ocean! It was limitless, powerful, hiding storms and calms beyond the horizon, with its undercurrents, tiny crustaceans, playful dolphins, and gigantic toothy creatures behind. As diverse and powerful as life itself. As the reality to which she would, of course, eventually return!

Much later, Alisa would wonder a lot – why the tropical beach? Funny, she had never seen a real ocean in her life. There was a water reservoir near her hometown, which the locals called “the sea.” On holidays, she would go there with her brother and parents. Max kept trying to teach her swimming, but it never worked out… Then she would revisit those bright memories and dreamed – what if she could really be at the sea. A real one, “the that very real sea!” And with her family, of course. And now he wouldn’t be afraid, and Maksim would definitely teach her how to stay afloat! Perhaps those dreams had emerged in the moment of her desperate attempt to grasp the remains of life – and helped to transform the surrounding void… Incidentally, in this world, she was a little girl again, like that frightened child on the shore of the Ob Reservoir.

She had tried several times to alter this place, to make something different of it. Not that she was against the tropical setting – more out of curiosity and stubbornness. But nothing worked. Perhaps she lacked the necessary anger, or maybe something else.

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And here she was again. Alone again. She sighed, resettled more comfortably, and stretched out her numb legs, dipping them into the water.

“Hey, why the gloom? What a bore you have here! Does look pretty though…”

A loud, cheery voice rumbled in Alisa’s ears like thunder. The girl turned around slowly, hardly believing herself and wondering if she’d hallucinated it. But there she was, really standing right behind her. Dressed in a simple white dress. Amazing bright blue hair with turquoise strands softly fluttered by the wind. Cobalt-blue eyes sparkled with sunbeams.

“Hey, why are you frozen? Welcome your guest, why don’t you,” laughed the six-year-old visitor, scuffing her foot and flinging a handful of sand.

“Irida?!” Alisa exclaimed, unable to believe her eyes. She had always been alone here! Yes, the sea teemed with endless life, but she dared not enter. Just gazed at the water's surface, clinging to it as a reminder of that place where they were waiting for her. Where she must return.

“For you – I’m Irie, hehe. Or Iris, at least. But you can call me that only when no one’s watching. Hence, why are you just sitting there? Let’s play!”

Carefully getting up, Alisa reached out to touch the girl.

“Are you real? Really-really real?” she asked, her voice breaking slightly. She gingerly touched the stranger’s wrist and, unexpectedly, pinched it hard.

“Ouch! What was that for?!” The uninvited guest jumped back and frowned. “I can fight back, you know!”

“Just wanted to check – are you maybe asleep...”

“Yeeeaahh, your logic is something else! So, why are you just standing there? C’mon, I wanna play!” Little Iris jumped up in impatience.

“Okay… But what shall we play?” Alisa smiled uncertainly.

“Tag!” The blue-haired troublemaker quickly slapped her on the shoulder and darted off. “Ha-ha! You’re it! You caaan’t catch me, you caaan’t catch me, and you can’t touch thiiis!”

“Hey! I’m the boss here! That means, you have to be it!” The girl momentarily frozen in hesitation, then sharply broke into a run after the trespasser, right on the edge of the sea, kicking up splashes, scattering sand, and breathing in the salty, damp air deeply.

“I’ll catch you, I’ll definitely catch you now!”

But the little opponent kept running and running, never tiring. After a while, Alisa stumbled, nearly fell – and stopped, flailing her arms to regain balance. She bended over with hands on her knees, panting. Little spots danced before her eyes from the exertion.

“Hey, why’d you stop? Spoilsport!” The guest returned, not even slightly out of breath.

“Annoying!” flitted through Alisa’s mind. And that little she-devil just walked over casually, crouched, and looked her right in the eyes. “What’s up? Who are you waiting for?”

“Can’t… keep up. I’m tired.”

“So what if you are? I’m not done playing yet! Besides, how can you be tired?” the brazen girl asked in surprise. “You’re supposed to be the boss here!”

“Boss, my butt! I’m just stuck here, like in a prison. I keep waiting to be released! And I can’t actually do anything, not even leave where I want to, or change anything,” the exhausted girl grumbled in frustration. She felt so sorry for herself, tears even started welling in her eyes.

“Nonsense,” the blue-haired girl snorted, “and why are you falling apart, anyway? You can do anything! And you can get out too! You’ve just filled your head with a bunch of silly ideas!”

Alisa shook her head dejectedly, sniffled, and then frowned. “You… You don’t get it! You’re the silly one! Go away, leave me alone! I don’t wanna see you!”

Irie took a step back, shook her head, and suddenly bursts into insane laughter.

“Mwah-ha-ha-ha! Yeah! Right! Of course, I won’t understand! How could I?! Right?!”

She spread her arms as if trying to embrace the sunbeams and started spinning around the bewildered “boss.” Despite her frantic movements, Iris managed to speak pretty clearly and coherently, even though she got just a little out of breath.

“It’s you, little one, who doesn’t understand a thing. You sit here, sighing. Nice place you’ve made for yourself, I’ll give you that. But it’s only the first step! You’ve had your rest. Enough. You need to move on! There’s so much more ahead!”

The cheeky little imp suddenly grabbed Alisa’s hand and took off running. Palms and rocks along the shore blurred before the girl’s eyes. Wind in her face, her feet no longer felt the ground. After running out of breath, her second breath kicked in, then a third took its place. And then it all became irrelevant because she was the wind – there was no need to worry about lungs, the stitch in her side, or tired, buckling legs.

Alisa gazed in awe at the bright blue star leading her, feeling like she’s flying, that she can embrace the whole universe, she can do just ANYTHING!

image [https://i.imgur.com/T2MKTPp.jpg]

…And then she crashed headlong into an invisible barrier.

“What’s wrong now?!” the troublemaker said. “Why did you stop?”

“Can’t go any further. There’s a wall…” the confused little blonde muttered, rubbing the bump that was already beginning to swell on her forehead, and trying to regain her bearings after such a jarring end to her flight.

“Then jump over it!” Iris was virtually dancing in place from impatience. “C’mon, do it!”

“I told you, I can’t! There’s a barrier here!!!” Alisa snapped again at the stubborn little brat’s obtuseness.

“I’m telling you! Jump. Over. It! It’s easy!”

Iris casually walked back to her as if there was no wall at all, as if it’s normal. She took a step back a bit, seriously braced herself, took off running, and like a swallow, leapt over this cursed invisible barrier! Landing, she almost fell but somehow managed to keep her balance.

“Look at that jump! Cool, right? Hey, Alisa, come here! It’s gotta be a new record!” the blue-haired girl shouted joyfully, waving her arms.

Surprised, Alisa momentarily forgot all her doubts. She carefully made a step forward, then another – until she was right up against the “wall”.

“I… I don’t know. Just go? Go forward?”

“Of course! Don’t be afraid!”

The girl shut her eyes and made a step. Then another, and another.

“I’m afraid to open my eyes; what if I didn’t make it!” she finally exhaled softly.

“That’s not what you should be afraid of, my dear,” Alisa heard an adult voice and opened her eyes.