Remember…

Remember …

... who you are …

Ran stirred; her brows were locked tightly, eyelashes fluttered.

“Awake?” a deep voice asked.

“... Mufasa …?” Ran was confused, she slowly opened her eyes.

“Who’s Mufasa?” The voice chuckled.

Ran tilted her head. Rikku who was standing by her side, said, “What was that?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

She looked around, confused. “Where are we?”

“Same place. The horses died.” Rikku sat by her.

“What happened?”

“You burned yourself to death and back. The demon beast died too.”

“I see.”

They didn’t talk for a long time. Ran was lying on a quilt under a tree. It was already morning. Through the foliage, she was gazing at the dancing sunlight. A light breeze had cleared some of the heavy smell of blood and fire.

“Aren’t you going to lecture me? About throwing my life away and all?” she asked.

Rikku laid down by her side, watching the moving leaves. “I had a very long imaginary discussion in my head about it. It was really dramatic and moving.”

“Really?”

“Yep. It was a long conversation about how I understood. How I get it, you’re sad, have issues and you don’t know what to do anymore. How suicide was the only escape you found at the time. I said you were selfish to want to die alone in front of us. You were self-centred to only think of your pain and not care about the one you’d leave behind - me, of course. I told you not to give up, that things would get better, that you just needed time. You can leave your old life and scars behind. This is a brand new world, you could start over and move on. You cried. I told you how I would stay by your side, that you could be who you wanted here, that nobody would judge you. I dared you to move and lift yourself up. I dared you not to give up on yourself. Not to give up on the world. I said there was still hope, where there’s life, there’s a way. You cried, even more, told me how grateful you were, I was your saviour. My eyes were wet. It was touching and then, we left in the sunset. It was so moving, really.”

“I can imagine.” Ran stayed silent for a minute. “What made you change your mind?”

“Too much bullshit. In reality, you wouldn’t buy it.” Rikku shrugged.

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“What makes you say that?”

“Because I don’t buy it either. Things will be better.” He scoffed. “Who cares about the future? We want to get better now. We want a change now, we want it all like normal people, right now, without putting much effort. We don’t want to work on our issues little by little. We want - no, we need a miracle cure that works on the spot, don’t we?”

“....”

“You are struggling. You know it, I know it; everybody can see it. You don’t know what to do with yourself. You’re tired, you’re annoyed, you’re angry at yourself. Angry about who you are, who you couldn’t be, who you should have been.” He paused. “Who you expect yourself to be.”

“....”

“You’re angry because you want to change. You’re even angrier at the fact that you are changing. The truth is … you want to stay the same.”

“... If I were to move on, if I were to leave the past behind, I feel like I would let them down. As if I haven’t suffered enough to make up for what I did.” Ran confessed in a whisper.

“Bullshit! You don’t want to change because it scares you. Because it’s comfortable being at the bottom. It’s dark, it’s neither cold nor warm. There’s no one to hurt you or betray you. You don’t expect anything from anybody and you’re away from everything. There are no ups and downs, just constant sadness and nothingness. If you don’t feel, if you’re dead inside, you don’t have to deal with complex emotions. You don’t have to think. You’re just floating, neither here nor there.”

“...”

“Not letting them down is your excuse to stay stuck there at the bottom. You don’t want to move from there because you don’t know what’s out there. You don’t want to think about yourself. You’re scared to live with yourself and worse, you’re terrified by the idea of being yourself. I know, who would want to leave that cosy little hell? The outside is too harsh. You have to learn to deal with people, how to be genuine, how to look forward to things, how to deal with disappointment... You have to take the risk of being alive, feeling alive, and there’s nothing nastier. Life’s a bitch and nobody wants to deal with feelings and emotions. When you think about it, it’s easier to stay at the bottom. At least, it’s comfortable and you’re used to it. You have your little nest made of sad memories and tears; self-blame and self-loathing. You know where it hurts, so once in a while, to indulge yourself, you poke at a sore spot until it bleeds to make sure you can still feel something.”

---

“You’re being a bully.” She sniffled.

“Been there, done that. I’m not preaching, I’m not prying. I know how enticing those intrusive thoughts are. They are like mermaids luring your broken soul. I know. I also know you hesitated for a second. Just a second. You fell, sure, yet you didn’t give up. Give yourself some credits. You’re still fighting. You’re still trying. You haven’t given up yet. People don’t change in a day, we all need time. Some need more time than others. I don’t ask you to forget. You won’t and I’m pretty sure, you can’t. You want to punish yourself, but isn’t the one who needs punishment already dead? The one you were back on Earth or wherever you were, is already dead and gone. The people you cared about? Dead too! What’s the point of atoning? I mean, at the end of the day, Ran is innocent. Ran was born here. Who cares about who you used to be before? Give Ran a chance. Who knows what kind of girl she is? You might like her. I kinda like her and I don’t like many people, especially whiny girls.”

She sniffled to no end, tears were streaming down her face.

“If we were in an anime, it would be the cue for the string of filler episodes full of flashbacks and sad music.” Rikku chuckled as he tossed her a handkerchief.

Ran chuckled as well. They laid there, immobile, watching the blue sky peeking through the leaves. The breeze was cooling, the forest calm. They slowly drifted off.

---

Sounds of footsteps were making their way towards the two.

“Still alive?” Parvian asked.

“Still alive.” Ran stirred and sat straight.

“Let’s have lunch.” Parvian sighed in relief.

Ran nodded. “I’m going to take a bath first.” She pulled a bathtub out of her storage and started to fill it with water.

Rikku stood up and watched her for a minute. “Where did you get all that water?”

“I emptied like a fifth of the pond back in the castle in Linestone.”

Rikku blanked out for an instant. “Why didn’t you just drown the beasts instead of fighting them?”

Ran stared at him with eyes the size of saucers. Her jaw dropped, she was speechless!

“Just saying.” Rikku shrugged, turned around and left.

“Alright. You’ll do that next time!” Parvian blinked before laughing out loud.