Chapter Two

Bobbit's Left the Woods

Arnold had a dreadful feeling that his second breakfast was growing cold.

"Y-you're him!" the female knight said. She pointed a trembling finger at Arnold. "The Last Hero!"

The woman had quickly recovered from her draconic assault. Her dented armor had mended itself, and she seemed completely unharmed despite the [Lesser Dragonbrave] treating her head like a chew toy.

"No, no," Arnold mumbled. He shook his head emphatically. "You have me confused."

The knight looked down at him with awe in her baby-blue eyes. She stood almost twice as tall as Arnold, though that was the case with most humans. By all accounts, Arnold was a giant of a gnome, but his herculean three feet fell a little short amongst the shorter-lived races.

"She was right..." the knight said, more to herself than Arnold. "I found you..."

"I am not Arnold Grubbly," Arnold lied, his arms akimbo. "I am just looking for my Bobbit. Hairy lad. Have you seen him?"

"Please, Master Grubbly!"

The knight fell to one knee. She lowered her head, though it still came level with Arnold's own.

"I am not a Master Grubbly!" Arnold said. He pulled on his beard nervously. This was the exact reason he was so reluctant to leave his home. "And do you have wax in your ears? I asked you a question!"

"I am sorry to disturb your meditations, Master," the knight said. It was as if Arnold was speaking to a brick wall. "I am in desperate need of your assistance. All of Lorendale needs your help."

"Lorendale, eh?" Arnold coughed into his hand, snorted, and then cleared his throat.

The Kingdom of Lorendale surrounded his woods. It was a small domain, by all accounts. It had no trade or specialty. It simply existed on the fringe of excitement. It had been the perfect place to retire.

"Please, Master Grubbly!" the knight said, her head still bowed. "My mother, Lady Dyan, bid me to find you here in these woods!"

"Daring Dyan, eh?" Arnold warmed at the memory of the redheaded firebrand. She had become a Lady then? She certainly deserved the honor after all she had done. "How is the crazy bat?"

The knight did not answer at first. Her body trembled, though the ache had nothing to do with any physical wound.

"Dead," the woman said shortly.

"Ahhhh." Arnold stroked his beard thoughtfully. He reminded himself this was Daring Dyan's daughter, an adult, which meant the mother must be half a corpse. "I suppose it has been a while. That's the problem with you short-lived races."

"It was murder," the knight said fiercely, and she looked up into Arnold's eyes. He saw the same fire he had often seen in Daring Dyan's eyes. "Cultists. They've taken over the kingdom!"

"Cultists, eh?" Arnold shook his head. "Nasty folk, but that's what you have pikes for. I recommend you put their heads on them. And I'm not Arnold Grubbly!"

"Please, Master!" the knight said, her eyes burning with passion. "They seek to revive Ra-Hemi, the Devourer of Dreams!"

Arnold snorted derisively. He hid a chuckle behind one of his meaty mitts.

"Good luck on that! When I... Or rather, when Arnold... I'm all turned around... I wouldn't worry about it! Not much left to revive, if you understand me, eh?"

The knight did not look convinced. Arnold pulled on his beard nervously.

"You mentioned a hairy lad earlier..." the woman said, and she had Arnold's full attention. "When I first entered these woods, I may have spotted such a creature departing them."

"You little rascal..." Arnold muttered at once. His [Detect Deceit] did not tickle, which meant the knight was telling the truth. "Which way was the boy heading?"

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The knight swallowed nervously. It was several moments before she answered. Some of the fire left her eyes.

"He... They were heading towards Merstone," the woman lied. The back of Arnold's neck tickled as [Detect Deceit] was activated.

He said nothing. He did nothing. While he could have very easily learned the truth, this was Daring Dyan's daughter. He did not want to tinker with her memories.

The knight bit her lip and looked down at the ground.

"The legends are true," she said, her voice weak. "No deceit can pass you unnoticed."

Arnold loosed a heavy sigh. He waddled up beside the knight who had started to tremble once more. He patted her armored shoulders a few times.

"I suppose... I could help with this whole cultist business," Arnold said reluctantly. The knight's eyes flew towards his. "But then you'll need to tell me the truth. And I'm not Arnold Grubbly!"

"Th-thank you! Thank you so much!" the knight said. The fire had returned to her baby blue eyes.

An itch radiated across his back at the woman's thanks. He waved the words away.

"We'll set off after second breakfast," Arnold said in a dark mood. "That darn boy..."

"Second... breakfast?" the knight repeated as she tilted her head.

Arnold flexed his fingers and then pinched the fabric of reality. It was a skill he had learned when hunting down High Demon Lord Del. Once the demon lord had realized he was no match for Arnold, they had simply run away. For more than three years, Arnold had been forced to chase after the demon night after night, missed brunch after missed brunch. It was only after Arnold had learned [Spatial Manipulation] from the Lost Fairy Queen that he had been able to catch up to the hot-footed demon lord.

The knight took a horrified step back as Arnold formed a gnome-sized hole in the fabric of reality. On the other side of the portal was the inside of his kitchen. It was, in truth, the only place he had ever bothered to learn how to make a portal to.

"I told you, Arnie," Marge began in a fiery temper, "no dimensional rifts in the house!"

Marge glowered at Arnold from across the fuzzy kitchen. The pleasant smells of second breakfast wafted into the forest and roused Arnold's appetite.

"Don't bark at me," Arnold said as his eyes jumped from tray to tray. His mouth started to water. "Bobbit's left the woods."

"Bobbit did what?" Marge asked with a deep frown. She waddled closer to the portal. "Where is he? And whose that lass?"

"Daring Dyan's daughter," Arnold grunted. "I'll be having second breakfast here. Can you send me over... a few chairs, a table, several forks and knives, a spoon, a- "

"You want the whole kitchen then?" Marge interrupted in a huff. Despite her evident frustration, she effortlessly lifted a wooden table one-handed and pushed it through the portal.

After several moments, a small eating area had been set up in the middle of the woods. Arnold licked his lips as the first plate of sizzling bacon was passed through the portal. He quickly stuffed three pieces into his face.

"Don't you eat all of that!" Marge shouted. She pushed her hand through the portal and slapped Arnold's own. "Give some to the armored lass. Looks more bone than skin, the poor doll."

"Give some to who?!" Arnold recoiled in disbelief. "This is my second breakfast, woman."

He shimmied down the table, out of Marge's reach.

"You rotten little louse!" Marge shouted. She tried to smack him with a wooden spoon. "If you want even one more plate passed through this portal, you'll give her some of that bacon."

"But... But I'm hungry, Marge!" Arnold said as his wife's words hit him with a physical weight. "Have hardly had a nibble all day!"

"Arnold Gru- "

"Ehh, ehh, ehh!" Arnold interrupted hurriedly. He cast a sideways glance over at the female knight. He realized suddenly that the table arrangements may have been... a tad small for her. "I'll give her a piece of bacon... you demon."

"You have a whole plate, Arnie!" Marge barked.

"She can have three pieces then!" Arnold barked. He threw his hands up into the air and then deposited three pieces of bacon onto the knight's plate. "When I can't even lift my arms because of hunger, you'll have to come and collect me!"

"I'll leave you to rot!" Marge said with a haughty laugh. "And you, miss! Don't you let him pilfer those back! Gobble them right up, dearie!"

"This is tyranny..." Arnold grumbled as the next plate was passed through the portal.

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Arnold rubbed his swollen belly as the knight passed the last empty plate back through the portal. He still had not learned her name, but he planned to finish this cultist business fast. There was no need for names.

"Th-thank you," the knight said nervously. "That was... a most splendid meal."

"You should have eaten more," Marge said, not unkindly. "You'll be back for brunch then, Arnie?"

"Definitely brunch..." Arnold grunted sleepily as his eyes grew heavy. "Handle this... cultist business... and then Bobbit... Back for brunch... Most certainly... Kisses, darling... Many kisses..."

The portal closed. The only evidence of second breakfast was the meaty crumbs in Arnold's thick white beard. He loosed a heavy yawn.

"Excuse me...?"

"Yes...?" Arnold turned towards the knight sleepily. She wore a somber look on her face.

"You... You mentioned this... Bobbit several times," she said hesitantly. "What... Who is Bobbit?"

"No, no..." Arnold said with a shake of his head. It was hard to keep his eyes open. "Where's Bobbit...? That's the question, but we'll... we'll wonder about that after a nap..."

"A nap?" The knight's hesitation disappeared instantly. She almost sounded annoyed.

Magickal energy filled Arnold's fingertips, and he waved them over the ground. His [Floral Manipulation] skill created a comfy bed of thorn-less roses. Before he shook away the magick from his fingertips, he conjured up a second bed beside his own. The woman may have stolen almost half of Arnold's second breakfast, but that did not mean she deserved to nap on the ground.

"We'll clean up... this cultist business... after a nice nap..." Arnold mumbled as he spread out across his bed of roses. "Can't... can't adventure on... on a full stomach..."