“You’ve got to get me the fuck out of here, man. Are you with the Justice League? Know what, fuck that. As long as you can help me, I don’t give a damn even if you’re Lex fucking Luthor.” The man in yellow spandex with a cracked skull logo on his chest pleaded to another man in red spandex with blue and black stripes.

“I’m with the Avengers. I never heard of the Justice League or Lex Luthor before. Sorry. But uh…. Are you okay? You’re acting very differently from when you’re outside. A-and I’m not sure what you meant by ‘getting you the fuck out of here’. Sorry, again.” 

“Aven-? Nevermind that, you are a superhero, right? From Earth? No offence, but I don’t think anyone else in the galaxy would wear something as ridiculous as a bright spandex in broad daylight like that.”

The red spandex hero crossed his arms, “You know you are also wearing a bright spandex, right?”

“I KNOW! I LOOK LIKE A FREAKING ALIEN HERE!” The seemingly unhinged hero shouted. He then walked further away from the other hero and calmed himself down in front of the window.

“I-I’m sorry. Ever since I was transported into this bizarre world, it has taken a toll on my mind. I thought some Evil McBaddie was using the Mother Boxes to mess with me or some shit and I’ve been trying to find a way back for months.” He turned around and let out a massive sigh.

“Let’s...start over. My name is Skullmasher. You can call me Jason if you want. Just don’t call me Yamada. I didn’t pick that one. My companions just called me that. What’s yours?”

“Wavecrusher. You can call me Luke.” 

They both shook hands. Jason offered him a chair and they sat. 

“Do you remember how you arrived here?” Jason asked.

“I got hit by a truck. The MindBinder hypnotized a truck driver to ram into it. Couldn’t jump away in time, and when I opened my eyes, I was in a field not far from here. What about you? How did you get here?”

“I was summoned by a bunch of fuckin’ mages. Not the modern type. They look medieval and shit. Robes, wands, magic circles, the whole shabang. I had no idea what was going on and almost attacked them, but my cat-eared comrade outside calmed me down and explained what happened.” The wooden chair creaked as he laid his back against it.

“Why’d they summoned you?” Luke took off his helmet and placed it on the ground.

“Well, not me, specifically. See, they were looking for heroes from other worlds in order to fight their wars or some shit, I wasn’t really paying attention when the exposition-man was droning on and on about pointless shit. I just asked the guy what it will take for them to send me back to Earth. He said if I win the war for them, he’ll get the mages to do that.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad. I saw the guards outside of the town. They were wearing leather armor and using spears. Or is your superpower not the offensive type?”

“I thought that too. A bunch of backward fucks still using swords and spears? Piece of cake. My thunder will just light them up like a Christmas tree.”

“You mean lightning.”

“Whatever man. Anyways, I was super wrong about them being backward fucks. Their technology sucks because everyone in this goddamn world can use magic! What kind of bullshit is that? Not only that, some of the generals I fought against can summon fuckin’ eldritch horrors from another dimension! My thunder could only tickle their balls. I had to learn spells to even beat one of them. Learning! I didn’t become a superhero because I was a fuckin’ top-of-the-class student!”

“Can you...tone down the swearing? I’m sorry, it’s just very distracting. Captain America was really adamant about languages in front of the children.”

“Ya gonna do me like that, mate? I haven’t been able to swear for months because fuckers around here thought swearing is only reserved for scums. They would’ve toppled over if they ever visited an Irish bar.”

Lucas held back a chuckle, “Alright then, Jason. So...how’s your progress so far? Getting closer to going home soon?”

“NOPE! Let me let you in on a tiny little secret.” 

Jason scooted closer to Lucas’s ear and whispered.

“These people are racist as fuckkkk.”

He leaned back to his chair while Lucas raised his eyebrow.

“Seriously, I’m not kidding. I thought these fuckers are in a war because of some socio-political reasons or maybe someone got a little greedy with the trading. Turns out, they went on a war because they didn’t like how their ‘neighbours’ looked! The bloody fuckers never even talked to the bastards they fought against! Not even once! And each country is located on the opposite fuckin’ end of the continent! It doesn’t make any sense!”

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

“I don’t know man, sounds a lot like our own world. At least in the past.”

“I don’t know much about history. All I know is that these guys are nuts! I mean, they called their enemies ‘demons’ and stuff like that, but they look fucking HOT! Seriously, you’re gonna tell me those smokin’ chicks and hunks are ‘abominations deserved to be wiped out from this realm’ just because they look a bit teensy different from humans? If that’s the case, then call me a demon because I’m not gonna leave this world before I clap some of those cheeks.”

“...right. So...you’re killing them?”

“Of course not! I’m a goddamn superhero, not the second coming of Hitler! These sick fucks even wanted me to kill children! Children! I haven’t been killing them ever since I had the chance to talk to that general I defeated and learned their history. Those poor sods! They were just randomly attacked when the humans first saw them without any reason! Maybe there were other reasons that the exposition-man mentioned, but none can ever justified a bloody genocide! I’ve been spending my time trying to come up with a peaceful solution to this problem, but I ain’t no negotiator or diplomat! Superman or Batman are much better suited for this than me!”

Lucas tries to recall if he had ever heard of those two names before. There were a lot of superheroes after all.

“So, I’ve been stuck here. I’d almost lost hope, until you came along,” He grabbed Lucas’s shoulders, “Please, tell me you have some idea of how we can return to Earth. I don’t want to stay in this world anymore. As lovely as my companions can be, I will lose my goddamn mind if I have to spend more time with them.”

“Why? Are they racists as well? Supporters of the war? Had a dark secret side that no one knows and only comes out during the night to terrorize whatever town they find themselves in and you’re the only thing that’s stopping them from massacring everything that they will inevitably regret when they wake up?”

Jason appeared confused and was slightly grimacing at that unusual remark.

“That’s a really specific example, mate.”

Lucas coughed with embarrassment, “Just ignore it. So, what’s wrong with your companions?”

“They are fuuuuucking creepy. Not in a spooky way, but in a disgusting way. I cringed every time that cat-ear girl called me her ‘master’ because I saved her life from slavers. I don’t know why the fuck she would call me that after I literally saved her from slavers.”

“Huh. That’s….concerning.”

“That’s not the end of it. The girl with twintails, I tell you, she got a loose screw in her bloody head. She was apparently some princess and I saved her right before she was about to get nicked by assassins. She did a weird thing where she’s thanking me but not thanking me at the same time. Like, ‘It’s not like I’m grateful that you saved me, idiot!’. I just got along with it because I thought, you know, different cultures and such. I’m pretty goddamn sure I’m the weirdest motherfucker anyone here is going to see. But then she kept doing it! Over, and over, and over! Every single time when I help her, because she would rather sit on her ass and let people kidnap her, she’ll do this bit, sometimes with a blush like an amateur S&M play.” 

“I don’t think that’s what S&M play is like. Don’t ask how I know that.”

“I don’t kinkshame, mate. Either way, I confirmed with my comrades, what she’s doing isn’t a thing in her culture. But she’s not the worst, ohhhh no. You saw that pale-skinned kid standing beside the cat-ear chick? She is weirder than both of the girls I talked about earlier combined. You wanna guess what’s her problem?”

“Hmmmm, she does look quite pale. I think I saw fangs in her mouth. She does have a bat-theme going with her attire. I guess she’s a vampire? She sucks your blood in a weird way or something? No, that couldn’t be right.”

“You’ll never guess it, so I’ll just tell you. She’s 1000 years old while looking like a kid.”

“I don’t see-”

“She sleeps with me, every night, naked.”

“Oh.”

“And she keeps flirting with me, wearing all assortments of revealing clothing on top of encouraging the other girls doing the same, and keeps trying to get me into sexually charged situations with her!”

Lucas can’t help but grimace when he tries to imagine it.

“She looks about as old as my fucking 10-year-old nephew! I cannot describe how fucking DISGUSTED I felt every single time she did that. I don’t give a damn how old she actually is, I’m not a fucking pedophile! The other girls would join her shenanigans and it just drives me fucking crazy! You know what the worst part is? You know what’s the worst fucking part about all this is?”

“What?” Lucas asked anticipatorily. 

Jason gulped and raised his shaking finger, “The worst part is that it is starting to get me. I thought I could hold it back. I’m a superhero, after all, I’m supposed to be an incorruptible symbol of hope. But those girls and their sexual displays, it is eroding my soul. It is eating away the walls I built to prevent my lust from lashing out. The girls seem so eager to break those walls down like…like succubuses. I feel so tormented. I had no one to talk to about this. When I did, the men laughed at me for desperately trying to hold back, trying to preserve my dignity and my pride. I don’t want to hurt their feelings, and I don't know how to get them to stop. It’s clear that these young, well, ‘young’ women have been through a lot and they only knew how to express their gratitude in a way that their fucked-up upbringing taught them. I’ve seen enough pain in these couple of months to last a lifetime. Compared to our world, even when there’s a new supervillain popping up every other week, it is paradise compared to this.”

Jason bent slightly down and placed his face on his hands.

“I couldn’t save them all.”

Lucas placed his hand on Jason’s shoulder.

“I know how you feel. This job, this superhero gig, we try to save as many people as we can, sometimes it doesn’t mean everybody. But if we can’t find a way to live with that….next time, maybe nobody gets saved.”

“You’re really shitty at comforting people, you know that?” Jason lifted his head up and broke into a bitter smile. 

Lucas shrugged, wearing a worn-out smile, “It worked for me.”

The two men sighed and remained silent for a moment. They were slightly startled when a knock was heard from outside the door, reminding them they should depart soon.

“What should we do now, Jason? Could we try to get the mages that summon you to send us back to Earth? Or maybe there are other mages that could do the same?”

“That would’ve been my plan. I gave up trying to resolve this shitty war because I didn’t know how to. But with you here, there might be a chance we can do this. Hell, maybe there are other heroes that were similarly transported to this world like us. If we can find them, we can end this war without any more bloodshed.”

“Sounds like a good plan, Skullmasher.”

Lucas grinned and stood up. He held up his hand.

“I’m counting on you, Wavecrusher.” Jason similarly smirked and grabbed Lucas’s hand, gripping it tightly as both men found their new resolve.