What the hell had he just done?

What had he been thinking?

Okay, it had been nice, Fraser couldn’t deny that, and some part of him had just wanted to do it. Why? He wasn’t at all sure. But...

He’d just kissed Uriah. He’d just kissed his best friend. His male best friend.

It... It... But...

His brain wasn’t working properly at the moment, was it? That must be it.

He could feel himself going more than a little red as he dropped his hands and leaned back, his eyes settling on the very confused and shocked face of Uriah. A very attractive face, with beautiful brown eyes, that was also going somewhat red, and blinking.

“Umm...” Uriah started, seeming at a loss for words as well.

“Sorry!” Fraser cried out, covering his face with his hands and pulling his legs close, embarrassment surging through him. He’d gone and done it now. Ruined everything. Stepped over the boundary. Cause of some stupid impulse.

“You kissed me,” Uriah said after a moment of silence. That cheeky edge was back in his voice. Hadn’t taken Uriah but a moment to recover from it.

“Sorry,” Fraser mumbled back, peeking out through his fingers. That slightly cheeky smile that Fraser liked was back on his best friend’s face. Perhaps he hadn’t quite ruined everything.

“You really want to marry me, huh? You know I’d say yes.”

Whatever shade he’d gone just before, it couldn’t have been red. Because that was definitely the colour of his face now. He’d probably be dry too, with the amount of heat he was radiating. “It was a threat,” he mumbled again. Except it had been more than that as well. Technically though, they couldn’t. At least, not here.

Why was he even entertaining the thought? He wasn’t that way. They were just friends. Weren’t they? He was a mess. Fraser glowered at the memory of his parents. And everything around him.

“Fraser?” Uriah’s voice cut through his thoughts. He was back to sounding worried. “You’re bleeding everywhere again.”

Fraser pulled his hands away from his face and looked down at his legs. There were trails of blood all over them. And then he just stared at his arms. Blood was seeping out of all of the scars. The worst it had ever done. Angry red blood, right along their full length. Funny how they didn’t hurt at all, even though he was sure that they should. He sighed, and leaned his head back against the wall. “Why does it do that, Uriah?”

Uriah just shrugged as he stood, grabbing one of the hand-towels and soaking it in the sink. “You ask that every time.” Crouching back down, he started to carefully wipe the blood off Fraser’s arms.

“I can do that,” Fraser weakly protested. He should be doing that. Identity crisis or not, it was his body, his blood.

“Just let me do it,” Uriah stated as he finished one arm and moved on to the next. “You’ve made a mess of this room as it is. I think that you just need to rest.”

“I’m sorry,” Fraser said, looking at the floor. Even though they had been together for practically forever, he still felt that he didn’t deserve a friend as good as Uriah.

A flash of pain, Uriah having flicked his forehead, made him bring his gaze back up. To his best friend’s smiling and caring face.

“Don’t be. We all have issues. Just promise me you’ll sort this out eventually. I heard all of your screaming. To me, you’re the most important person in my life. Irrespective of who that actually turns out to be. Be it Fraser, or whatever. I meant what I said too. I really would.”

“Thanks,” Fraser mumbled as he felt himself go red again. That, well, that meant a lot.” Let me finish up,” he then said once his other arm had been cleaned. Well mostly. There was still some blood seeping out, but only a small amount. “I’m still naked, you know.”

“Oh, yeah.” It was Uriah’s turn to go red again, as he handed over the towel and quickly got up. “I’ll go wait in the lounge.”

Fraser stared at the blood as the door closed behind Uriah, and then slowly started wiping it off. He... no, he didn’t know what to think. His head was just a mess, and what Uriah had said... it had both helped, and made it more of a mess. Uriah was, well, Uriah was really important to him too. He hadn’t been joking when he’d threatened what he’d do should they try and do anything to his ‘little friend’. They’d never really accepted him, just tolerated him, unable to break the friendship between them. So what if he wasn’t from a founding family? It didn’t matter to him. Friendship wasn’t measured by your status or wealth. He’d been there for Fraser more than his parents ever had. Had worked with him, been his partner in all their endeavours, his friend, rather than trying to control him. And he was taller than him as well. Not little in any way any more.

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Standing, he took a look around him. He’d made a real mess. Blood and glass all over the floor. How on earth had he actually managed to shatter the mirror? They weren’t that fragile. He’d clean it up in the morning. And his hands, yeah, they were sporting some new cuts.

Sleep. He just needed to sleep. Then everything would be better. Or not, with what lay ahead. But he was in no state to face anything right now.

Wrapping a towel around his waist, he switched the light off, and left the bathroom.

----------------------------------------

The room was dark and cool. Silent. The world around him was asleep, while he still lay there, far too awake, sheets pulled close, as thoughts raged through his mind. Thoughts that just would not settle, no matter how hard he tried to push them away, or to seal them away in some corner.

Fraser’s finger brushed against his own lips absently. Uriah’s lips had been surprisingly soft, his scent rather alluring. A little spicy perhaps? Something that he had never noticed before, so why had he then? The kiss, the kiss had been more than a little pleasant, the image, the sensation replaying through his mind.

Fraser threw himself over, dislodging the blankets that had precariously lying in a clump on one side of the bed, and pulling up the sheets from where they had been tucked in on that side. The bed was an absolute mess. What was wrong with him? Why was he still thinking on it? Why was it all so important to him? It had just been an impulse, hadn’t it? Defiance against his parents? No. That was just a lie. There had been so much more to it than that, even if he was trying to deny all that as well. He... he...

Uriah meant the world to him. He knew that much.

He was his best friend after all. Friendships were just that important. Especially in a situation like his.

His finger brushed his lips again. The kiss had felt right. But also not? Like he’d done it, but also... like he hadn’t. But he had...

A shattered mirror, blood sprayed everywhere.

Who was he? Who was Fraser? What was wrong with him? Who was the real him? Her? It? Thing?

Why did all that hurt so much?!

What was it that he truly wanted? Who did he actually want to be? Who was he actually?

What was he trying to achieve, with all his resisting against the Guardians, against his parents? Why did he feel like he was in a cage, constrained on all sides, in all aspects? What was it that he was trying to reach for?

And why were the answers so elusive?!

He was crying again, blood starting to seep out of the scars. He could feel it, his magic raging yet again, the warmth of the blood.

There was no way that he was going to marry Julia. That would just be another nail in the coffin, another bar in the cage that he was so desperately trying to escape. Even if he didn’t understand what it actually was.

This... was getting him nowhere. He needed to sleep, but he wasn’t going to at this rate. He needed a distraction, to take his mind off it all.

His fingers brushed past his lips again.

Dammit. No, not that kind of distraction. Fraser growled at the world around him, throwing off the sheets, and getting out of bed. He needed to get out, go for a walk. Maybe go see Felicia. Maybe just take a wander through town. It wasn’t that dangerous out there, even in the middle of the night, and it’s not like he couldn’t take care of himself, magic or not. The tainted moon was still a few days away.

The bleeding wasn’t that bad, once he had the lights turned on and could look at his arm clearly. Nothing that he hadn’t had before, and nowhere close to what it’d been doing earlier. Annoying, but only mildly inconvenient. Locating a towelette, he gave the scars a wipe, and then threw on some clothes. Loose t-shirt and baggy hoodie, a pair of dress pants that were a size too big because he wasn’t going to fully pander to his parents’ dress code, and sneakers. Clothes that he could hide from the world in. Turning the lights out again, he left his bedroom.

The lights in the lounge were on, Uriah sitting on the couch, reading a book on his e-reader. He hadn’t gone to sleep yet. That was typical him though.

“You alright?” Uriah asked, putting the device down and looking at him with concern. “Couldn’t get to sleep?”

“No,” Fraser sighed. That conveniently answered both questions. “I need to get some fresh air or something. I’m... a mess at the moment.” Not that Uriah didn’t already know that.

“Do you want me to come along?”

“No. I think I just need some time alone for a bit.”

He hadn’t wanted to say that. He’d wanted to eagerly accept. He always liked Uriah’s company. But... images flashed through his mind, memories of the scent...

It probably wasn’t the best idea. Not right now.

“Please be careful. Let me know if you change your mind, or if anything happens. I’m worried, Fraser.” The care, the worry, was clearly showing.

Fraser couldn’t help crack a small smile. “I was a spellsword too, you know. I can look after myself.” Some things you couldn’t unlearn.

Uriah smiled back. “One of the best too.”

Fraser wasn’t so sure about that, and it wasn’t like he’d ever actually enjoyed being one, but he appreciated the compliment anyways. Uriah on the other hand, he was one of the best. Even if he never got sent out on missions outside of the town any more. Well, until now he guessed. Was that his fault? Probably. But of that, he was secretly glad. Less worry and stress, of whether Uriah would get hurt, not that ever really had. Other spellswords, plenty of times, Fraser was confused as to how they even managed to get those wounds at times, but not Uriah. He was good at what he did, after all. And for some reason, he worried less when Uriah was out on mission in the town. Just knowing that he was nearby, and that the threats never amounted to much. Predator grades were rare, and Uriah was more than capable at taking one out.

And it meant that he got more of his company.

They lived together, for goodness sake. Was he being possessive of his best friend?

Fresh memories tore through his mind again.

Fraser turned, and rushed out of the door.