There’s a real sense of peace in knowing that not all others are like you, a sadistic kind of peace, inhuman and brutal, in the certainty that everything that’s wrong with me isn’t necessarily wrong with her. That she only inherited my eyes, and those dimples I learned to love only after seeing her smile.

I would have thanked God, if only I hadn’t sold my soul. But falling down is human nature. We must always go down, deeper.

I swam in filth, I drowned in the hubris, in the rotting halcyon, in its cracked sphere. I saw my body in its bleak death, and I wanted to open its empty eyes, clean the blood off its mouth, take it from the end, and ask it if it saw God. But I dreaded the answer.

That was in the past now, even if it sometimes still haunts me.

I didn’t flinch when faced by all my actions. Some just need to die, there’s no mercy to be given there, no alternative path, no escape from duty, just cold-blooded will, playing executioner to things bigger than us that are always watching, judging.

One of the few human things left in me was the ability to adapt, to survive, to get used to views so unsettling, where wickedness rose like a faint mist, imprints left after vicious things passed, an foul unending echo of a scream borne out of pure suffering, robbing you of your humanity with every moment you spent in its vicinity. I had lost so much, and yet, even as I doubted, I hadn’t lost my ability to love unhindered.

She was the light of my life, my pride, my salvation.

“Dad, I’m not a kid anymore, I can go by myself, and besides, my friends offered to come pick me up” Katharina said, sulking “Look, they already think I’m weird, and I really don’t care, but I don’t wanna make it worse by bringing my dad with me. Parents aren’t supposed to know”

“I don’t get why they don’t wanna tell their parents, and I’m not telling them either only because you asked me to, but what is there so wrong with you guys meeting up and stuff? I’ve told you, if you wanna do parties, I can lend you the house” I said, with Katharina deepening her frown with each word that came out of my mouth until I mentioned lending her the house, to which her face brightened up “I’m not lending you the car, though. Get a license” I quickly added, bringing back her frown.

“I can go with them, and I’ll be careful, I promise. I’ll call you if something happens, but please, please let me go alone.”

It’s not that I didn’t trust her, quite the contrary, but lately there’s been this… foul smell permeating the air, almost imperceptible. My gut told me something weird was going on somewhere in the city. And to think that I had moved here looking for peace and tranquility.

“Fine, but you’ll keep me updated, ok? Where you are, and how you’re doing. I can pick you up whenever you want.”

It smelt like burnt bodies, that type of smell that followed you around like a vengeful ghost, like the very things I had hurt others so much for. The smell woke me up, like a shark sensing blood, like a famined beast that had found prey right under its nose, it made me want to leave everything and track whatever the source of that awful smell was, and I could almost savor what would lay behind… but I wouldn’t. For her.

Katharina quickly went to her room, overjoyed. She was strong, and smart, and I trust her to keep herself safe or to ask for help when she’s in trouble, but still, it didn’t help with the fear. What if something went wrong? What if the worst came to pass, like it happened to me so many times before? I wouldn’t go as far as to say that my bloodline is cursed, but misfortune has a way of finding me, and whether I liked it or not, my daughter is bound to be close enough to suffer some of the consequences.

I went to the couch in the living room, and decided to have a power nap to calm my nerves, briefly leaving behind my body and rising as a diffuse thing just in time to see my daughter leaving with her friends. I stood on the window, invisible to peering eyes, and I looked. I was bombarded by information, both making sure that they were who they said they were, but also of the myriad of things that could go wrong, and now that I had looked at them and acknowledged them, all the misery and woe that would come to be, which I promptly guarded them against and dispelled whatever remains of wretchedness was left, my daughter being the only one immune to my effects. Then came the payment, and I was enveloped by a dream.

That’s where love ends,

said a growling voice as I slowly opened my eyes and got up. I couldn’t remember how exactly I had gotten here, yet I felt something missing, as if my arms and legs were wrong, but no matter how much I tried to figure out what it was, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was trapped in a body which wasn’t mine. I was in some sort of dark and moist cave, water dripping from many dangerous-looking stalactites.

The figure was a bloated monstrosity more akin to a frog than a man; yellow and green skin full of rolls and ridges, wrinkly and coarse, with thick hairs adorning it in seemingly random places. One of its eyes was larger than the other and it almost seemed to want to escape from its gruesome face and, unblinking, it never left me from its harsh gaze.

As soon as I wondered who the strange visage was, I knew it to be Abidan, my old friend. The price never to be fully paid.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked, and as soon as those words left my mouth, the cave was no more, and I was left in a familiar scene. I refused to comply with the dream, so I closed my eyes, and I let fate change like I had done ever since I first found myself trapped within this particular memory. The knife never came at a particular time, it always seemed to catch me unaware, making me spatter and try to catch my breath as I felt it slowly rise from below the ribcage, straight into my heart. Slowly, it gradually went deeper and deeper, filling my chest with an excruciating amount of pain.

Beauty lies only in the eyes of the Beholder.

The knife reached my heart, and the memory went away. Abidan was too smart, too callous to let me grow used to a feeling. Always something different, always something else, some other time, some other pain. Emilie was standing in front of me, and even in this… replica resembling the real world, in our old house, I could feel my eyes slowly withering her- us, away, no matter how many rituals I made, how much blood I burnt, how many times I begged the Absolutes, nor their Offspring. To change the terms of a deal, or to act opposite of them, was too expensive even for me and my congregation when we were still together. I saw no point in wasting precious energy in warding her against my curse; she wasn’t real. It didn’t really matter since, dream or not, still I saw all the fates I was condemning her by simply looking at her.

It broke my heart.

I know she still cries sometimes, even if she didn’t remember why anymore.

After all, having one person to be free from such a curse was a bit much to ask for, but two? I had to choose. I don’t regret my decision, I just regret that I had to do it in the first place.

Hate boiled from deep inside me as I silently swore at Abidan, like lava flowing through my veins, ire made physical. I cursed all that he was, what he embodied, where he came from and what he wanted. Everything, I wanted all that was his to burn.

We both know that, somewhere, there is one that would love me as I am, warts and all.

That is true for all things in this endless expanse and its Truth.

Even if you’re all ugly little things scampering around,

high up on the clouds thinking you’re all so important,

so unique,

special.

How couldn’t I be angry, if he was the one that put me in this situation?

As if fate had things in store for you, mere sacks of flesh!

You’re countless little bugs stuck together with microscopic spit all working in tandem to trick yourselves to think that you’re above everything else!

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve said something similar before, but what do you mean by ‘that’s where love ends’?” I asked, knowing that berating him on his face was not a very bright idea, considering that he was the orchestrator of all the suffering I had gone through in the time that had passed, which seemed to stretch and deform, holding my last word in complete silence. The bastard was looking for a fitting answer.

Love is not false, but neither is it complete.

It exists as a fleeting bridge between what is and what is desired.

You know that, somewhere, there is someone capable of loving you, all of you, good and bad,

but you still haven’t realized, have you?

“Abidan, speak. Don’t beat around the bush. Those kind of games don’t work on me anymore, not after all the time we’ve spent like this. Torment me, but go to the point.”

Katharina doesn’t know you, does she?

How can you truly love that which you do not know?

You know she won’t react well to you revealing your past,

I told you once before,

but it’s not your choice anymore.

Have fun seeing me in her, as well.

“Wait, you can’t do that. It’s not part of the deal” I said, panic rising through my throat, quickly being drowned by old instincts that worked even deep inside dreams, turning panic into stark clarity. I could feel myself slowly waking up- “No, no, Abidan, I swear, if you dare to-”

I woke up to the ringing of a phone call and several missed texts from Katharina telling me something had gone wrong, turning all my fears into reality.

…

I was exstatic that dad had finally conceded. I ran upstairs to my room, made some last minute adjustements, and called Saoirse to tell her they could come pick me up. They were waiting for the call, so they would be arriving in less than five minutes. I made my way downstairs once again, finding dad asleep on the couch. He looked like such a dork like that, and the fact that he had recently shaved didn’t make it any better. I miss his old beard, it managed to trick me into thinking he was to be feared and that when my friends finally met him they wouldn’t judge him or anything.

I drank a large glass of water, leaving a bright lipstick mark on it. Never again am I going to be cheap with makeup, but the color was cute. I quickly fixed it, and my friends arrived to pick me up.

As I was making my way to the car, my hair stood on end, and I felt like a little girl again, faced by sudden darkness, and the things that could hide in it. A very primal fear, and very much without logic. General anxiety disorder, my friends said, but I’m not one of those people that self-diagnose.

“Wow, man, did y’all feel that? I saw Saoirse shiver as well” Steaphan said, to which Saoirse and Moire agreed and voiced their experiences.

“Let’s go, Voo, before Steaphan gets too scared and decides to get away from here” Saoirse said as she ushered me in. Not too far from her prediction, as soon as I closed the door, Steaphan immediately accelerated, to which we all chuckled.

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

“Look, all I’m saying is that if I was in a horror movie, I would survive because there’s no fucking way would I stay; Oh, look, the rocking chair is moving by itself, surely it’s the wind. No, hell no, I’m saying bye at the first sign that weird stuff is going on”

“How you doing, Voodoo? Spring treating you well?” Asked Moire, her voice so soft the engine was threatening to completely silence her.

“Yeah, I’ve been fine. Being free from school is the best, though I have to prepare for college for next year. Still, I’ve got plenty of time. And you guys, how are y’all doing? Are we all ready for today’s adventure?”

“Stop calling it that, it makes me feel as if I’m back at Boy Scouts! But, to be honest, I’m really excited, and-” Steaphan said, stretching the last ‘and’ for a few seconds as he stopped at the red light, searching inside his glove box with one hand and taking out a colorful wrapper “I brought this. You know, for the special occasion” he said as he passed it to Saoirse who was sitting besides him. “I’m willing to smoke the blunt by myself if nobody wants to, so no pressure”

Soon, the sun hid itself and a soft sort of darkness blanketed the city outskirts as we arrived at our destination, the full moon doing wonders letting me see without any light as I made some last minute preparations.

“Voo, we’re going to be fine! You know I scouted this place a week ago, and it has been locked the entire time. We even brought our own lock to replace the old one for the time we’re here. C’mon, Voodoo, trust me” Saoirse said as she approached me, lighting my surroundings with a flashlight in its lowest setting. I decided to entertain her, just once, and decided to leave my alarm system alone. It was ready, anyways. If anybody went through the only entrance, a bunch of cans would make a ton of noise. Mostly it was to ease my fear; I couldn’t just… trust things to go right, I had to take at least a few precautions, like constantly updating my dad on my location.

I followed Saoirse deeper into the warehouse, where faint music could be heard and Moire and Steaphan were hanging, but in between the shadows, in the farthest place of my peripheral vision, I saw but a glimpse of Her, and I completely froze in place. She was as beautiful as I remembered, Her short dark hair somewhat similar to mine, or it would be more accurate to say that I had fashioned my hair to be similar to Hers. I couldn’t deny it, it was absolutely perfect. I could feel my heart beating faster, and I couldn’t help but feel a weird thing in my stomach.

“Kat, are you ok? Steaphan, lower the music” Moire said as she quickly realized something was going on. “We’re with you, don’t worry” She approached, but gave me a bit of space.

“Uhh, sorry. I thought I saw something. Wait, what’s that smell?” I said, only now realizing that weird smell. It couldn’t be…

Saoirse hit Steaphan in the head and harshly told him that now wasn’t the time, eliciting a somewhat annoyed response.

“No, no, it’s ok, I just didn’t realize it was that” I managed to say, trying to save the situation. I really didn’t want the night to flop just because I saw something I hadn’t for… years.

“See, Saoirse, everything’s fine! Come, Voodoo, sit down, have a drink, relax!” Steaphan said, taking out a beer off his backpack and taking a hit from the blunt at the same time, not looking as cool as he might have thought he did “Wanna try some of this?” he motioned to the blunt as I accepted the beer bottle.

“You know what? Sure” I said, surprising Saoirse and Moire.

“Atta’ girl. There’s also whiskey and cigs, and I brought you tobacco.” Steaphan said, passing me the blunt and the lighter while he lit up a cigarette. I sat down, and took a hit.

It passed as smooth as smoking a rolled up grater. With a coughing fit, I decided to ignore my beer and go straight for the whiskey, taking a small mouthful to hopefully clean my throat.

“You smoked it like a tobacco! You gotta go small and take in some air as well, so it doesn’t burn as bad” Steaphan said, chuckling a bit.

…

“Yo, look at that spiderweb, in that corner, there” Steaphan said. We were sitting down with our backs against a wall, listening to music, relaxing, having a good time, you know? The spiderweb did look freaky, with all its angles and straight lines and weird shapes.

“It’s beautiful” was the only thing I managed to say. I wasn’t that high, but those hits I took really hit hard. I took a swig of beer, and smoked my tobacco.

“I wish I could, like, talk to spiders. I wonder how they would think… hey, Voodoo Doll Girl, surely you know a secret spell that can allow me to talk to spiders, right?”

“Why spiders, man? Why not all animals? Why not stuff as well?” I laughed “And no, it doesn’t work that way. I don’t believe in that type of magic and shit, I just… think that there’s something beyond what we can perceive, you know?”

“Wow, man, yeah” was all that Steaphan said as I realized he dozing off in whatever he was thinking of, high off his ass, making me chuckle.

“Hey, you two guys are high as fuck! Man, it’s hilarious to see you two like that, but don’t keep the fun from us, let’s play something” Saoirse offered, lighting her third cigarette already.

“Truth or dare!” Steaphan said, way too excited for it to have been an idea that just occurred to him, as if he was just waiting for this moment.

After deciding that spinning a bottle would decide who dared whom, with Saoirse spinning it (mainly because she was the one in the best physical and mental state out of the four of us). It landed on Steaphan first, which was very amusing considering he was almost exploding from the prospect of having everything going so smooth, and then it landed on Moire, making Steaphan’s eyes shine with, if you don’t mind me saying, almost a malicious glint. Moire carefully studied Steaphan’s face and probably, and very safely, deducted that he had a fiendish question, so she chose dare.

“I dare you to ask out your crush” He said, before laughing in a mock-evil way, satisfaction clear in his face “or, ok, ok, I’m not going to be such an ass, it’s the first round, so, you gotta ask anybody you like out on a date, for… plausible deniability, or I don’t know. It can be your crush though.” He relented, not helping Moire feel any better at all if her reaction was anything to go by. Poor Moire, such a sweet girl. To imagine she fell in Steaphan’s wicked play…

“Uhh… Kat, do yo want to go on a date with me?” Moire finally ventured. Ha, good one! There’s nothing as satisfying as foiling Steaphan’s plans.

“Oh, of course, I would love to!” I answered immediately. It was the perfect response; what can he say? We’re friends, of course we like each other, or else we wouldn’t be… because we like each other as friends… right?

Oops, I might have misread the situation. But maybe I’m overthinking stuff. Yeah, I’m high, and drunk. I’m overthinking.

“Hey, that’s not what I was going for! Fine, fine. Next dare I won’t have mercy.” Steaphan said, indignant at how we tricked him. Yes, I was overthinking. The bottle spun once again, and the Gods must have a very bad sense of humor, because it landed on Steaphan once again, and oh boy didn’t that make him the happiest man, I swear, if he was a dog his tail would have left his body and would be dancing by itself.

And then the bottle landed on me. Oh Gods have mercy. I’m not stupid enough (or drunk or high enough) to choose dare, not yet, so I chose truth.

“Why do you believe in spirits, and witchy stuff?” He asked, eliciting a displeased response from both Saoirse and Moire. We had talked about this stuff before, and it wasn’t a sensitive subject anymore. Hell, they still called me Voodoo Doll or variations of it, even if it began as a nickname that people pestered me with, now it had become more of an endearing term.

“Because it works. If I’m nervous before a test, I give a small offering, and any fear I had is… gone. If it did more than just calming me, then that’s awesome. Calming me is like the biggest part of it, anything else is bonus. I don’t know, looking at the world the way I do makes everything make so much more sense.”

They stayed in silence for quite some time, Saoirse and Moire probably thinking about my answer, and Steaphan high off his ass somewhere far away.

“Wait, y’all guys remember last year when I dared Steaphan to give me a kiss?” Saoirse finally broke the silence, her words sparking a wave of laughter as we all thought about that moment.

“Hey! That was awful! You know what, let’s play something else” Steaphan said, but we ended up not playing anything and just talking. Another round of drinks, though I was being careful now and slowly getting sober, and Moire approached me. She sat besides me, and we kept talking and just passing the time.

Seemingly from nowhere, she leaned in and stole a kiss, leaving me in a daze.

Yep, I had misread the situation. Wait, had Steaphan tried to play matchmaker?

You’re already over me?

I could hear Her, taunting me, interrumpting my thoughts. Her figure was almost visible, cloaked by shadows, stalking near an open door on the wall on the opposite side of us, near the way out. I stood up in panic, and got out my phone and started calling dad to come pick me up.

“I’m sorry, I… I didn’t mean to, I don’t know what I was thinking” Moire apologized, following behind me as I left the room we were in using my phone as a flashlight, going to the room besides this, further into the warehouse.

Cans loudly rattling into the concrete floor could be heard near the entrance, making Moire jump in fear as I grabbed her by the shoulders and told her to be quiet. Dad didn’t answer, so I began to urgently send him text after text, telling him we hadn’t moved from the warehouse, but somebody had come in, and to come ASAP.

I rushed back into the room Saoirse and Steaphan were, and told them to pick up everything and to shut off the music. We went back into the next room, and kept quiet.

Loud and winded breathing could be heard from the other room, and then it cackled. The breathy laughter resonated through the entire building, hurting both my ears and something deeper within. When I looked at my friends, I realized they were barely holding it together; Moire was on the verge of crying, Saoirse was clearly full of adrenaline, her eyes wide open, and Steaphan was probably having the worst trip of his life.

You know I can keep you safe,

All you have to do is ask.

And in that moment of panic, I decided to do a leap of faith, and asked Her to keep us safe. Not one second after I silently begged for Her protection, the most unnatural and eerie scream came from the other room, and that macabre cry broke something in me.

I was overcome by the strongest and most desperate hunger I had ever felt, a gnawing void that consumed me from the inside out. It was as though my very soul had been violently hollowed out, leaving nothing but a ravenous pit in its place. I was famished beyond reason, my thoughts clouded by an insatiable craving that stripped away all sense of restraint or dignity. My body screamed for sustenance, and I knew, with a dreadful certainty, that I would devour anything I stumbled upon, no matter how vile, how unthinkable, how utterly inhuman it might be. Every fiber of my being ached with a primal need to fill that endless, aching emptiness.

I would have kept thinking of my hunger if Moire hadn’t bit me in the shoulder, near the neck, biting deep and hard and drawing a fair bit of blood.

Many sensations traveled through my body like thunder on a storm, like vibrations after a hammer hit the anvil. Anger. Pain. Fear. Lust. But the one that won was the outrage at being hurt by one I thought close, and the feeling that there were bigger things to worry about right now.

I didn’t even manage to think Her name when She appeared, Her words soothing my mind, filling my body with a stew of other sensations which I couldn’t really name.

I don’t want you hanging with her anymore.

You’re mine, and mine only

She said as I was left in a haze, Her familiar visage appearing in front of me, realer than I ever feared, than I ever dreamt of. Her lipstick black, Her raven hair short as mine, Her features incomparable, ethereal in a way that seemed to transcend mere beauty; sharp yet delicate, timeless yet undoubtedly alive, a vision that could rival the angels. She leaned in close, and I leaned towards her, stuck on an intense longing to finally taste Her lips, as I had always desired when I was a kid and first saw Her. She seamlessly avoided my searching mouth, and licked my shoulder, where Moire had bit me, and suddenly I was back and She disappeared as soon as I blinked. I looked behind, and my friends were looking at the place She had been mere moments ago, fear clear in their eyes. Moire’s mouth had blood on it.

I desperately moved my hands to my neck, and surprised myself when there was no wound nor pain, but only some blood left on my skin.

A door loudly closed, and what only could be chaos incarnate descended into the room besides us. Small whimpers and cries occasionally broke into my brain, like worms working their way into loose soil, but I only had to think of Her to stop them in their tracks.

My friends weren’t immune though, and were actually faring worse. Saoirse pushed Moire into the wall, and… barred her teeth? Moire cowed for a moment, but then she stood straight and dared Saoirse to try touching her again and find out with a mere look. Steaphan was making himself as small as he could far away in a corner of the room

Moire approached me once again, and suddenly I realized I could tap into the almost primitive way they were stuck on. I looked at her straight into her eyes, and said the loudest silent no I could muster. Not right now, idiots!

It was easier than ever to just… reach out and finally grasp the faint threads of understanding I’ve had since I was a little kid, so I willed Her name into my thoughts, like reeling in a fishing line stuck in the deepest part of the ocean and bringing back a sunken treasure lost for so long that the water itself had forgotten it.

Cerys, I beg of you, protect my friends as well, I sent through that invisible thread which I had almost snared Her in, and surprisingly I got an immediate answer. It wasn’t in words, but in a vague feeling, unbalanced, like trying to push a heavy object but having no strength, like trying to run fast but being too tired and hungry to have energy to spare, as if something was missing, something to balance the equation. I could taste Her saying make a deal, make a promise, give something in exchange.

Through the ethereal cord I still held tight, I knew what She wanted in exchange, and I refused.

The cord snapped in half, and the door to the room we were in was thrown off its hinges, flying deeper into the room. A grey wolf slowly made its way in. Its fur was covered in blood, but I couldn’t make out any wound in its body, and saliva fell in big fat drops from its open mouth, its shining eyes latched on me as it growled.

I was still stuck in that weird spell, making all sensations stronger and instincts easier to hold, but I couldn’t help myself from looking at its eyes and knowing there was a malicious intelligence present inside.

It leapt into the air and landed on top of Moire, making her scream in pain as it bit her arm. Saoirse tried kicking it, but she was pushed away seemingly from nowhere, making her fly through the room like a ragdoll and land hard in the rough concrete floor.

Fueled by pure adrenaline, I unsheathed the knife dad had given me as a gift and stabbed the creature in its back, making boiling blood spray like a geyser, blinding me and making me stumble back, until I cleaned my face with my shirt.

I was standing in a pool of blood, and it was so slick that I slipped and fell on my back, yet the pool of blood seemed to be impossibly deep, and soon I was drowning, trying to swim my way out.

I couldn’t hear anything but my own loud heartbeat, which seemed to echo through the viscous blood I found myself, almost as if it was responding to me.

I tried screaming after I had run out of oxygen, and soon I lost consciousness.

…