Prolog - Some thoughts~

I’m climbing up on a mountain. The sun is shining a bit, while the wind is gently blowing and the weather is clear, though a bit chilly. It’s not like I mind it, though. No, I straight love it. It feels so good when you are a bit cold but the rays of the sun are seeping into your cells, your bones, and warm you up.

Maybe you will leave me soon enough, thinking that I’m talking nonsense, but who knows… maybe some of you are going to stay for a bit longer and hear my thoughts. Oh… I’m doing it again. If you are still here, then I have something to ask you. Are you pressing your teeth against each other, are you grinding them, are your muscles stiff and heavy? You should relax my friend! Haha~ I’m doing that unconsciously so many times.

Okay, okay, I’ll stop, this isn’t about relaxation. I’m really curious if you too feel distressed like sometimes I do. I just can’t seem to get myself to enjoy this life I have, though it doesn’t matter because it is going to come to an end soon enough. Stopping for a moment, I looked at my surroundings and smelled a deep breath of air. The smell of nature, of this forest on the mountain. I like it so much. It’s so fresh and clear. I love walking in forests. It provides me with a feeling of freedom.

Are you curious why am I dying? Hey, let’s be honest. We both know that you don’t care, not one bit! It’s not like anyone does and usually, I don’t care about other’s death either. Well, now you shouldn’t misunderstand me. I care about a few people, but most of them feel so alien for me. Someone could die in front of me for all I care… Of course, I wouldn’t want my family or close friends to die. I just mean these random people. I’m quite an unfeeling person with a few dark thoughts, but nothing out of the norm. Well, I'm not going to suicide. There is a different reason causing my death. I'm going to tell you that much. Hehe~

Looking upwards, I can see the top of the mountain. It seems like I’m very close. Let’s go in that case. I wonder if you are still here. I’m glad if you are. Have you ever thought about your life? Why are you living? Do you truly care about others? What’s the meaning of your life? What is your way of life and what do you want to reach in your life? Come, think with me for a bit, but look out for your teeth! Haha~ Maybe you are grinding them again unconsciously.

You know, I thought about these questions of mine so many times. In my next life, I’m going to answer you these questions. Now that I think about it, I forgot one. Are you afraid of death? I can tell you that I was afraid of it when I was young, but that has changed. I too have changed. It feels weird how everybody is changing but I feel like I’m living my life in a loop. The same things are happening, just with different variants. I guess that now you are thinking that I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I’m just a big mouthed child.

But believe me, I truly don’t fear death. There is nothing bounding me to this world anymore, so I wouldn’t mind even if a cancer were to take me away. If I could swap with a child who wishes to live a fulfilling life, then I’d do so.

When I was young, I was bullied a bit, but nothing much. At most a few cruel words, though no one has ever hit me, yet it still left scars on my heart. I’m so looking down on those who let themselves be bullied. Even though I was like that in the past, but I’m not like that anymore. I never understood. Are bullied people afraid of pain? Because they might beat you up? Why? The pain will go away, but the scars on your heart won’t.

I’ve never been afraid of pain. Actually, the only reason why I didn’t attack those bad mouthing children in my childhood was that I didn’t want to get admonitory… I’m so ridiculous. I’d like to go back and beat up my past self for that… But on the other hand, I’m somewhat grateful for that as well. Do you ask why? Well, it’s because of that reason, I didn’t turn into your usual common people. I’m thinking differently than how the others do.

We, humans, love being common because then we can join this trash of a community. It’s funny how it’s so terrible, yet all of us want to be a part of it because we want to belong somewhere. There are people who say that they are different than most of the people, that they are unique, or that they don’t care about the community, but in fact, they aren’t different. Not even one bit. You know who am I talking about, right? For sure you have also seen people like those.

Eh? Am I one of those as well? Maybe that’s true, but you misunderstood something in that case. I’m quite an average guy. If we were to meet, you would think that I’m a completely average and common person. I’m simply thinking differently about a few things. I’m not unique and I’m not cleverer than everyone else. What I’m different in is that I know myself the best. I know about my darkness, my brightness, my grayness.

Most of the people are always rushing to know more and more about the other people, about their secrets, habits, whatever they can. But have you ever stopped to think about yourself? Who are you? What are your darkest thoughts? We are all hiding something that we don’t want others to know about because then we would turn outcasts because we would be hated by others, yet there are still people who are saying that they are different.

Yeah, I too have many dark thoughts. Oh… I reached the top of the mountain while thinking!  I am slightly sweaty and I am slightly panting, but I’m a well-conditioned common human, so I’m alright. Like I said, I’m not fat and I’m not an outcast. Haha! The clouds are nowhere to be seen. Let’s look for a good spot. Ah! There it is! I can see a clearing in front of me with long blades of grass. Let’s lie down on it. Lying down is much better than standing. Oh! I can feel the sun much better! It’s a real bliss~

So where was I? Dark thoughts, right. I too have those. For example, I kind of… dislike everyone as a default! It has become a habit of mine. When people are talking, I’m always looking deeply into their eyes. I can see their expressions, the truth behind their masks. It’s laughable how they show it all on their faces. They usually don’t even care about what are your talking, yet all of us want to join this community and indulge ourselves in friendship, love, family, grudges, enemies. Naturally, I show my best face as well when it comes to meeting new people and then if that person is to my liking, then I’m going to clear out that disliking feeling in my heart.

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So? After so much time, have you thought about your darkest desires? I’ll tell you one more of mine so that you’ll know more about me. It is that I’d like to know, how killing others feels. How is it when you hit them to the death with your own fists and feet, or you slash a knife through their body and you feel how their flesh is pressing against the knife, while you feel the vibration through the knife. I would surely enjoy guns as well, but it’s only enjoyable to shoot. It’s not as good as your own body or knives because you can feel only the kickback.

Haha, now I surely sound like a damned psychopath or criminal, right? But you know, I’ve never hit anyone. I’ve never even had a fight!? Maybe I love reading light novels exactly for that reason. I like the kind of which talks about cultivation and fighting to the death. How nice it would feel to face the feeling of death numerous times. That thrill. I’m missing that from my life. My soul is restless in this boring world. There are many things to like here as well, but you need tons of money for everything.

I wouldn’t want to die in that kind of world either because, maybe, I couldn’t taste that feeling ever again. But I still would like to fight to the death so many times. Who knows what’s after death? Well, after regaining my true memories, I do know… but I won’t tell you~

Are you curious about who I am? You’ll know it if you join me on my journey through my next life because, at the end of it, I’ll tell you who I am. What I mean is when I reach the top! No… I am not going to die so easily, hahaha. Although I’m probably going to lose a few of my memories, I’m going to hold onto my personality. Yeah, I love myself as I am and I don’t want to change too many things. Most of my problems lie in my instincts, but considering that I’m not going to stay a human, those little things are going to be cleared out as well.

We have talked so much about death, so let’s mess up the things and talk about love! I’m very good at suppressing my emotions, but that’s not really the case with love. But I have a problem with that. I’ve never felt it actually, so I don’t know if I can suppress it. I just have a feeling that I can’t.

Can you love? Love so much that you would die if your ‘other half’ were to die? You know, I believe that everyone has another half in this world with the same age, different gender, and he or she is the perfect for you, be it his or her looks or personality. This might be a twisted thought in your mind, but there are so many of us, you know? Platon said a similar thing as well. That we have another half and that we should search for him or her. Ahh~ Yeah, I believe in this.

But humans can’t do that because they can’t hold back their lust and they need to have sex with someone… If you have a girl or boyfriend, then have you ever argued? In my opinion, those who are meant for each other wouldn’t argue because they think alike, so there wouldn’t be a reason to argue. You are thinking that I’m living in the clouds with rainbows covering my head, right? But no, I know the darkness and brightness of humanity as well. I know how ridiculous this belief of mine might seem, but probably you have many ridiculous beliefs as well.

I wouldn’t laugh at them. I’m not against god-believers, but I’m not one of those. In my opinion, the church was only a tool for the clever people to divide the masses and control them through their beliefs. As you can see it in our history, it worked just fine… for many years!

I think that you will know once you find your other half because you will have a tugging feeling in your chest, that feeling of wishing to stay with him or her longer. In my short life, I’ve always searched for my other half, but unfortunately, I couldn’t find her. Yeah, I’m a male. I don’t think that I’ve said too much about myself and I don’t really intend to. You’ll know me if you follow my travel anyway, though I have to tell you that I’m not old. In fact, I’m quite young. Others would say that I’m in the prime of my life!

On the other hand, I don’t mind that I couldn’t find my other half. It’s still better in my opinion, that what the other people do. Looking for sex in every corner… pretending to be a saint but almost all of them are bitches or cockheads… I’m telling you, I’d never have sex with a tainted woman. For sure, my other half could be only someone like me, a virgin. What? Should I be ashamed of that? I’m not ugly, so probably I could have joined the ranks of the non-virgins as well by now… I could have a nice girlfriend as well if I’d try just a bit more.

Interestingly enough, this community would laugh at me for that in my age. They can laugh at me for that, but I too can laugh at them when I see how they are arguing about shitty things with their partners. I’ve seen it so many times… I’d rather stay calm, so thanks, I don’t need that.

Oh, the sun is already down. Time sure flies by when you are enjoying it. Not like when you are bored… That’s really sad. I loved those sun rays so much. When they seeped into my skin it felt terribly good. Now all I can feel is only the coldness and chilliness. It feels like death! After regaining my memories, I know how it feels, but this is beautiful in a way as well. Instead of the sun and the light, the stars and the darkness crept up to the sky.

Do you think that if I die here, then no one will know of it and that I’ll die alone? That no one is going to remember me, and I’ll be forgotten? Yes, it’s exactly going to be like that. But I don’t mind it. The community was necessary for me to acknowledge me when I was living, but now that I’m about to die. I don’t need funerals, false tears, and others to remember me. I prefer dying alone in this cold world we live in. It may be harsh and the other people of my race might be as they are, but… it’s still my world and my home.

I wonder if you felt what I was talking about all this while. Or did you just read it? Well, you might find my next life to be interesting anyway. I can feel it coming… My last wish for you isn’t to remember me, but my way of life. I’m only wishing for that, that in my next life, my other half is going to be there, right next to me and that I’ll be born into a world of cultivation. I could live my life, however, I wanted to live it here. I won’t have to live by other people’s rules and I could fight to the death many times.

I can also train. I mean, here, even if I train my body, what does it matter? I won’t get anywhere with it. Maybe I’ll have a nice body so that I could be more popular. If I should describe my personality, then I’d say that I’m a mix of warrior, outcasts, and ruler. Ruler because I like to control my surroundings… That’s quite complex, right?

But we humans have always been so complex. Unfortunately, we are going for the quantity friendship, not for the quality. We don’t bother to truly know someone. We only want to see their surface, their darkness at most. We don’t want to truly accept them as they are.

Alright, I’ve talked enough. Now I’m going to close my eyes, so that I can open them once again, in my next life. Ah~ Wait for me my other half, I’m coming for you. Yeah, I know who she is and I’ll find her, though that’s not going to be too hard…

Hail the world and let me turn into dust so that I can rise from my ashes with my new way of life and let me trample over those who stand in my way! I’ll show you what is it like to be eternal!

COME FOLLOW MY LEAD THROUGH THIS JOURNEY AND LEARN WHO I AM!