Hi! Aesir here. Being the head of a family is hard. Being the head of an idiot family is even harder. When people were small and they act stupid, they would look stupidly cute. However, when a fully grown man did the same, they just look plain stupid. Is it the age or the appearance? I wonder which factor that makes me think like that. It keeps bugging me for some time until I saw how cute Nazanin fooling around in a puddle of mud was. Yep. It’s definitely the appearances that make you forgive people’s foolishness. After all, my Nazanin is the cutest!

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It’s been a while since I settle down with this group of grey apes. Things are looking pretty good if you ask me. While I did have to preform ‘love taps’ a few time in the beginning, they soon warmly open up to me. They even lovingly offering their prey that they caught to me while lying on their backs and show their belly. Aren’t that cute?

Hmm? They just summited to the strong and begged for their life?

Non sense!

If they truly feared me, would they let me petted their young ones on my lap quietly? Those kid even blissfully trembling in my hand like a small kitten. They were so cute when they silently listen to you, don’t you think?

Alright. I maaayyy went a bit over board with my ‘love taps’ but hey! They did learn how to behave so … silver lining.

Awww come on. Those guys are the worst. I even went and heal them all, gave those foods and such. After that, they did quiet down for a while. I wanted to test them a bit so when night came, I pretend to be sleeping. You guess it. They ganged up on me. As an all-forgiving god that I was, I did what any sane god would do. Guide them on to the correct path.

Aesir’s commandment number 1

Thou shall not piss me off if thou do not wish to get beat up.

Yeah, you guessed it. They all happily went to a nearby river and did a 1080 side spin head dive into the water to cool off their heads. As the merciful god I am, I also added some ice blocks (pillars) into the river to heal their mysterious bruises too. I wonder how they got those. Hmm. Truly a mystery.

Since they were tried after the swimming lesson, I carried them back to bed. I know. I know. I am the kindest god in the world, aren’t I?

You would be surprised how fast those apes learn about things.

After our little swimming session, things went peacefully for a while. Those guys behaved nicely. They went out to hunts in the mornings in groups and came back at night with hand full of food. They even offer me some when I walk close to them. I refused, of course.

Some days, they had bad luck and caught nothing. Occasionally they had even worse luck where meet other predator and get wounded, sometime even death.

The thing went on like that for some time so I decided to teach them how to use better tools. Until now they only know that rock and sticks are nice for hitting so I teach them how to make spears and axes. I even teach them how to make traps and such.

Oh me, you would not believe how hard it was to and teach those idiots something. The first thing they did after they got their hand on spear heads make of sharp rocks was cut themselves, screamed, and ran away. After the hard work of bringing them back and get them to listen (well, not really hard work as I just use magic to pick them up and bring them back), they then began stabbing each other.

… Apparently this is my life now.

What am I going to do with these idiots?

It took sometime but I finally got those apes to learn that stabbing yourself or your friends is bad. Only use it for the enemy. It took way longer to teach them how to use simple trap like pit falls or cliff edges. To explain how hard it was for me in simple term, try threading the needle using only your toes.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

On the bright side, they sure learn fast on how to apply them.

It literally moved me to tears. That night I found there was a pit fall trap under the area that I usually pretend to sleep. Just to fill my curiosity, I played along and fall into the pit to see what would happen. To my surprised, some stupid brave soul jump out and throw stone head spears into the pit while others rushed out with stone axes in hand.

Aesir’s Commandment number 2

Thou shall learn from thy mistake.

They are such a merry group of apes so I decided to join the festival. Since they love to dances with tapping poles (spears) and maracas (axes), I think it’s fair to also add chorus into this mismatch party. The chorus conductor was preform by your truly, Aesir, with his first masterpiece symphony; The Howl of Idiots. They all seem to enjoyed it too since they gave me their full cooperation while I hanged each one of them upside down from tall trees. This world is still too primitive for the concept of conductor baton to exist so I compromised by using my stretchy arms instead. Surprisingly they are highly effective for substitution as they all whole heartily sang when I waved my hands at them.

We sang happily until the first sunrise of the day with our songs. All those who participated all cried tears of joys as I let them down from the trees. I’m sure they would one day look back to this day and shiver in happiness as they pass on their tales to their children.

Ahhh… Good old times.

We had so many happy moments together like this all the times. Don’t even get me started some of them like that time I taught them how to use fire for cooking and warm.

What happen, you ask? Let just say after they tried to set me on fire, they all personally learned how to cook BBQ roast in open flame … first handed. It was horrifying for some time after that event since their hair got burned off which only left me with walking skinny 3 meter tall apes. I didn’t know that my mental health could get that low.

Yeah, many things happen as time flew by. Their hunting became more successful. There are less and less of staved young apes. They learn how to primitively cook food and make cloths (more like animal skin scraps but close enough, I gave up.) They happily populated and grow in size as a tribe of … apes?

Hmm?

Come to think of it, I never really did name their race, did I? It is kind of sad to keep calling them apes or the like since apes from my memories are more lovable than these idiots. Yeah, I better apologize to the apes from my memories for keep comparing them to you. At least those apes would not try to act out a rebellion as soon as they learn how to play with new toys.

Let get back on topic, what should I name them? Name them from their appearance? Their sizes are ranging from 3 to 4 meter tall with body cover in thin grey hair. They have sharp row of teeth and round eyes. Other outstanding trails are their big hands and feet. They can both walk on two legs and on four legs.

Sharp-fang? No. Big-feet? Boring. Daddy long le … Ahhh … I can’t think of any decent name just from their appearance alone. I feel like my naming idea relate to how they look are all stupid.

Let’s just give up and give it a random name.

Canitia

Yeah, that should be good enough. It sounds fancy if you ask me. Let’s go with this then.

Alright, you guys are now called the Canitia.

Canitia is surprisingly one of the long life races. They are blessed with strength and vitality. Each one of them can live for as long as 200 years, but that is just the rare case. They are slow at learning but adapt fast. From so many examples, I’m sure you get the picture by now. With their thick skull and high stupidity, they usually idiotically die long before their age even touch the 3rd digit.

Seriously, it cost them a few dozen of tribe mates to understand that ‘Chasing prey off of a cliff’ does not require them to literally follow the prey down the cliff as well. I can only face-palm when seeing the surviving ones jumped with joy as they watch their friends ran to their demises.

Their questionable intellectual is not their only downside. The other obvious weakness is that they have low fertility rated. They do reproduce very often but the conceiving rate is low. There are only a few dozen born each year. Their problem is also due to their ‘mate preference’ as well.

You see, the Canitias have this custom where the strongest is the most desired mate and may I ask who do you think is currently the strongest one in the group? You probably guess my problem already, right?

Yeah. I’m the strongest.

After staying with them for a long time, they do start to accept me as one of them (not that I’m happy with this). Their 3rd or 4th or whatever generations start to show that they highly respect me. My effort of teaching them things and beating their grandparents senseless finally pay off. They give me offering from time to time.

Here’s lain the problem. When the mating season hit, all their females ignore all the males and only focus on trying to impress me to sleeping with them. Meanwhile all the unlucky pair-less males will hatefully stab me with their gazes from afar.

You may think that building a harem sound awesome but I disagree! In the first place, Ape and slime, they just don’t mix! Furthermore, slime don’t even have a ‘little bro’ or ‘little sis’ down there! What do you want from me? A wiggle dance?

Luckily my problem solved itself soon enough. During one of the mating season, surrounded by an army of horny female beast trying to rape me, I finally snapped. Either due to anger, annoyance or a bit of both I decided to be done with this shit. I knocked them out, one by one, and threw each one of them into the cave.

What followed was a miracle. The Canitias learned something by themself!

One of the sex-deprived male watched the whole thing happen and got this funny idea. It decided to be innovative with how it finds a partner. The next day it gone straight to the target female it wants and challenged it to a fight. One thing lead to another and the female accepted it. Happy ending.

When one success, the other equally sex-deprived fellows followed suit. The mating season became a bloody battle ground to show off to their potential partners. They created their own system where if one party wants to engage in reproduction with the other, it needs to be able to subdue the other party.

Here is how it works, If a male is interested in a particular female, it will request a challenge of strength. If the male win, they become a pair but if the female with, she move on. In the case there are multiple males interested in the same female, they dunk it out themselves first before challenge the female. This rule also applied in reverse as well. When a female is interested to a particular male, it becomes the challenger. Somehow there seem to be a mutual understanding among them that if the individuals are already a pair; they are off limit for that season.

This whole situation becomes both good news and bad news for me. The good news is; after all this time, they finally learn to improve something themselves. This brings tears to my eyes.

The bad news is; now the females became more blood thirsty. Every mating season they will at least once seriously try to push me down with blood shot eyes.

This also brings tears to my eyes.

GET THE HACK AWAY FROM ME!!!