I smiled and headed my way through the car pick up. I saw my mum’s car and walked and put my stuff in the back. “Hey sweetie, how was school? Why are you wearing so many used clothes? Doesn’t your dad buy you new clothes? What about the clothes I sended you?” “No mum it's just that-'' I tried to talk but it's like she could not hear me, she kept complaining about me wearing the same stuff and about my dad.She is always like this, never cares about anything else than what my dad does wrong and the clothes I wear. We got to her house, it was gigantic. She showed my room, full of pink, not a corner of a shade of pink. It was pretty just that it felt forced, forced into being the perfect absolute feminine mall loving girl..The only time I went to the mall was to go shopping for books nothing else, if I need clothes I do it online. Anyways I saw a cute dress on the bed with a note saying “I bought you new clothes. I hope you like them if you don’t just tell me and later we are gonna have a mom-daugher moment at the mall! It's gonna be so fun.” I smiled for a moment when my mom had written a letter for me, then I re-read it “The mall” There is a reason why I never been to a mall not because I’m just not “like other girls' ' stereotype of a person everybody thinks I am. The crowds, conversations everywhere, not a single second of silence, how was I to deal with that with my mother. I had never told about my panic around crowds and not long ago I had one so I was terrified for it to happen again. I overthink every single moment of what might happen. I thought “People are gonna record me, I'm gonna start crying, my mom is gonna think I am a weirdo, she is gonna send me to a mental hospital.” AAAAAAH if I thought I would just shush. I decided to take my phone out and opened “Finch” and took some deep breaths. After calming down I decided to not wear the dress because I did not know if the same thing would happen that happened with the other pjs. I went downstairs and saw my mom almost at the doorstep “Ooh….You are still wearing that…I guess the dress did not fit?” she asked, I nodded. It probably did fit but it just was not me. We got into the car, and headed to the mall. “So the mall here has a Justice store but that's probably too young for you and a lot more shops. It also has a gym. You know we can buy some stuff for you to exercise when you're with your dads and come to the gym when you are on time.You are getting a little you know……what I am trying to say.” Gosh this was already bad enough and then she decided to bring up my weight. I had always struggled with my weight, some months ago I got diagnosed with a binge-eating disorder yet I never told my mum. Thankfully I am getting better and recovering but exercise brings back all of those feelings.”Mum…..” I whispered under my breath, “Yes darling?” she asked, “Um….” Thoughts came over my brain, what was she going to say? Was she going to say I am just faking it? I might as well not tell her…..”Actually nevermind I am excited to go to the gym with you” I said with a forced smile. We walked through a few shops and bought some stuff. Then we got home, “Also before you go to your room, here is a gift: it's a computer so you do you know whatever teenagers do on the computer” she pointed out. “Oh my god! Thanks mum” I took it and went to my room. I knew what I had to search up, “What is a sensory overload” tons of things popped out but one got my attention. “Sensory overload is mostly on autistic people” ……Autistic people….? No, that could not be right. I am not autistic…..right? Nah you know what I am gonna prove to myself that I am not. “Symptoms for Autism” I scrolled through it for some hours. “Frick! It's 4 am already!” “I have school tomorrow ahhh well technically today gosh gosh I better get some sleep” I told myself, but I could not get any sleep the thoughts going through my head about how specific I kinda fitted to the “Standards” of autism yet did not fit for others. I looked at the clock in desperation, 4:30 am gosh. You know what it's not like I am gonna fall asleep. I look through it more, “Spectrum huh…..? Maybe that's why I do not fit the standards because it is not the same for everyone”...”Wait no! How could I be thinking I am autistic I came to prove myself that I am not…..I think..I mean- Is it that bad afterall….If it is this then I would be able to get help….but like what if I think I fit in because I am trying to give myself a reason for my weirdness…” I got a glance at the clock for a few seconds. My mum rushed to open the door “HEY YOU GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHO-! Wait, you're already woken up- Why? School work giving you an all-nighter?” she asked. I nodded and opened a random school tab I had opened and showed her. Then she continued saying “Oh okay well get ready for school or your gonna be late the drive to school is highly long that's why we are leaving so early be ready by 5:30!” I got up and took a shower, doing my routine as always. Hmm? Was routine one of the symptoms wasn't it? Nah everyone does routine might have read wrong. I got all dressed up and ate. I checked the clock at 5:25 and barely made it in time. Usually if I have time left I would drink some coffee yet it did not seem that way. Thankfully I was going to stay in my mum's house for a couple days so I did not have to get used to another schedule of waking up early again. Whenever my schedule of what I do daily changes it has to be somehow permanent for at least a week. Sadly that was not the case this time. On my way to the school I was in the back listening to music while overthinking about how I was going to deal with the fact of having to switch a lot and having different schedules every time. I hope I just get used to it, my mum and my dad are too different types of people. My dad knows that I hate switching my routine even one bit and that if I do I will have to keep that change permanently till it becomes part of my routine. While my mum is all about change, well I mean she is diagnosed with ADHD so I would say it makes sense. Oh wait, that's another point I cannot be autistic I have ADHD I cannot be autistic while having ADHD I think. Ughhh I will not sleep well again. I am used to it. I get the urge of jumping walls when I go to sleep so I guess I am used to it. After a few hours of thinking I arrived at the school, my mum was not lying. It was a long way from home to school. ¨Bye darling love you have a good day!¨ My mum told me ¨Love you too¨ I responded. I entered and saw everyone but could not find Autumn. I had a worried face but then I saw the kid who helped me last time, Ezra was their name I am pretty sure. ¨Oh Heyyy!!! You are Autumn's friend aren't you? Are you doing better than last time? I was looking for you here. They help during times like lunch and the teacher doesn't notice them like the big chunky ones¨ They said with a big smile brightly as they gave me some sensory headphones. ¨Uhm thanks¨ I stuttered. I hate talking to new people mostly if I have never had an interaction with them. ¨Hm? Not good socializing huh? It's fine, umm are you good with hugs? I like asking before anything.¨ they asked ¨I mean yeah I guess so I guess ask unless I look like I am giving you permission¨ I responded. They smiled brightly, like they were smiling ear to ear. ¨Well let's walk to class shall we?¨ they added. We walked together and I left them in their class and I walked to mine. They were not so bad after all. They were pretty nice actually. All classes went fine, I actually got to use the sensory headphones and Ezra was right. Teachers don't notice them. I even got to use them during class not only during lunch and no one noticed. After finally having a good day without any breakdowns I was able to think a lot and did some research while some free time I had at school. I saw that it is possible to have ADHD and Autism. Is being autistic even that bad? Is it that big of a deal at the end? Why do people make such a big deal about it? It is not even bad. ¨Hey! Hey school ended lad, you need to zone back in¨ A random person said, wait it was not a random person it was Ezra. Frick I had zoned out I got up and ran to get my stuff. My mum said she needed to pick me up early so she got an appointment. I ran through the doors I got in the car. I could barely breathe. I had run out of breath. ¨S-Sorry I am late¨ Those were the only words that were able to get out of my mouth. I was so tired. My mum left me at the house alone and she went to her appointment. Tomorrow I am getting picked up by my dad so I started packing up. By the time I was finished packing my mum was not home yet. I started searching up how much was autism diagnosis. It is about $1,000 to $2,000. Wow It is highly expensive. Well I mean my mum can pay for it but my dad is the only one I feel comfortable talking about it with.

Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.