Ranvir was sitting on an overturned boulder and catching his breath. It had been half an hour, and he was still catching his breath. Every few seconds, a shiver ran through his wings, feathers fluttering further into disorder. His hands had stopped shaking at some point, but he still felt weak and dizzy.
Graywing was refilling his mana reserves, but draining it fully meant it took longer to recover. It normally took an hour to fill up, so long as he didn’t drain it completely dry. He had barely regenerated a quarter at this point.
“Stupid,” he muttered, rubbing his forehead. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”
He surveyed his arrogance, his shoulders slumping. The barn had toppled completely, the western end having been blown away entirely. Roofing had held together in large chunks and been blown half a hundred meters into the distance. The ground looked like a giant had taken a shovel to it, scooping out a vast divot into the soil. Bits and pieces of wood were littered in every direction, even behind the stables toward the house.
“At least you weren’t looking at the mansion,” Ayvir said, approaching him slowly. One sleeve blowing in the wind, his hand in a pocket.
Ranvir hung his head, staring down at the wood-chip littered grass. Ayvir sat down next to him. The rock was small enough that his back touched Ranvir’s wings, causing another shiver to move through them.
“The sound of metal used to set me off,” Ayvir said solemnly. “Not the clash of metal, but when they grind together.” He rubbed his fingers together, poorly mimicking the sound. “I could listen to soldiers practicing. Spears slamming into shields or hitting breast plates weren’t a problem. One time, I darkened a bar because the cook ran his knife over a pan. I nearly burned it to the ground.”
He nudged Ranvir, leaning closer. Slowly, Ranvir turned his head. “And do you know what I felt in those moments? At first, I was so afraid that I could barely function. Then anger, then I started blaming myself. I can’t remember the nights I’ve spent castigating myself for not simply being ‘better.’” He swallowed, and the smile vanished as he hung head as well.
“It’s not until recently that I think I finally figured it out.” he coughed into his hand. “For me, it was shame. At the root of it all. It found a home within me such a long time ago that I didn’t realize it still lived here.”
Ranvir sighed and let his head fall back down. It didn’t feel quite right for him. But maybe it was like Ayvir said. Maybe he’s just lived with it for so long that he couldn’t tell it was there.
“How did you overcome it?”
Ayvir straightened and laughed darkly. “I figured it out for you. Now it’s your turn to fix it so you can tell me.”
Ranvir pushed off his knees, straightening his spine with a monumental effort. “That doesn’t quite feel like a fair deal to me. You’re leaving me with the brunt of the work?”
Ayvir smiled at him. “I rub your hair, but I’m on the wrong side of you.”
Ranvir reached out to him and Ayvir got to his feet.
“No, no, I’m the elder one.”
Ranvir smiled and looked into the sky, letting his arm drop. The sky was overcast, clouds clinging to the heavens from horizon to horizon. A pale gray ceiling, but here and there lighter colors shone through. Whites, both off and on, peeking through the overlay. The sun’s ray passing through even this full cover.
Ranvir took in a deep breath. “Thank you, Ayvir.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“I knew I was right about recruiting you.”
“Well,” he said, raising his one hand. “This is hardly the same thing as teaching. I was just—“
“Telling me about a lesson you’ve learned?”
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Ayvir let his mouth, and their eyes met for a long moment. A few flickers, the faintest hints, of expression passed over Ayvir’s face before he turned and walked away. “I’m going to check on the others.”
Ranvir smiled and found himself meaning it. Some of the deadening covers within himself having loosened, a little light passing beyond.
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Frija shuffled out of her room, straining to hold on to all the toys she was carrying. “Help me,” she groaned, eying one stone dog that was on the edge of teetering from her grasp.
Sighing to himself, Ranvir plucked grabbed it before it fell. “Do you really need all of them?”
Frija looked at him in disbelief, the effort neatly dislodging another toy. This one was made of sterner stuff than the old figurine, so he let it fall. “Of course it is!” Frija huffed and bent down to pick up the toy. Another fell to the ground. She looked up at him with big, pleading eyes.
“How about a deal? I will help you carry your toys, but only if you can pick out your five favorites?” Ranvir offered.
Frija gave him a stern expression as she tried to non-verbally convince him to bring her entire room with them. Finally, she huffed and sniffed. “You’re a meanie.”
Ranvir smiled at her as she took her bare-feet back into her room, leaving a line of dropped toys behind her. Little flickering motes of red pain buzzed at his periphery as he considered her words. He shook his head and straightened.
It had been two days since he’d visited the Tage estate, or rather, his new school. Every night, he’d fought the urge to ask Pashar if any more of the family was still alive. He knew it wouldn’t help, it wouldn’t end well.
The mansion was old, but it wasn’t so worn that all the books inside had been lost. They’d found the family ledgers, even the weregild, that were paid for his mother’s leg. He had the right family, the right people. He reminded himself every night that going after them wouldn’t help. What good would it do to take out a nearly decade old grudge on people who likely had nothing to do with it?
Ranvir kept telling himself that. Kept forcing the reminder into his mind. But it was hard. Yet, he kept doing as much. From what Pashar had found out, the move hadn’t been intentional. The Queen hadn’t known about the events of his childhood, especially Tage’s involvement.
Frija emerged holding a slightly smaller armful. He deftly slipped them into a small pocket-space. Noting that she’d grabbed six toys, rather than the agreed upon five. He gave her a suspicious glance and she couldn’t stifle a giggle. He smiled and ruffled her hair. They called for Vasso, then they were off.
Their travel ended in an open park in the middle of Elusria-City. A few couples were having picnics, families were snacking. Some were passing through on other errands. Mostly, people were relaxing. Except for Shiri and Laila, who were fretting impatiently.
“And you’re sure about this?” Ranvir asked, as Frija took his hand. He knelt to look her in the eye. “My Firehearth, it’s up to you.”
She put on a brave face and nodded seriously. He pulled her in for a quick kiss on the forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
As they approached, Frija’s nerves got the better of her. She slowed down and drew slightly behind Ranvir, using him as a protective shield. Ranvir smiled at Shiri and nodded for her to approach.
“Hi- Hello,” she said, cutting herself off mid-greeting. She coughed into a hand and stood still and straight. Her face was barely controlled, flushed and slightly out of breath. She even swayed on the spot.
“Frija,” Ranvir said, causing his daughter to lean around his leg. “This is Shiri, your mother.”
“Hi,” Frija’s voice was very small, and she made an almost imperceptible gesture, Ranvir took as a wave.
He nodded at Shiri, and she knelt to the ground, holding out one shaking hand. “Hello Frija.”
It took a few minutes before Frija’s endless energy and general forgetfulness allowed her to completely relax around Shiri. Ranvir pulling out the toys helped. So did Menace. They’d brought the massive cat along since he was absolutely one of Frija’s biggest emotional anchors, but he was also difficult to explain. Finally, Ranvir backed off, letting mother and daughter talk in peace.
Frija was showing her something awesome about one of her toys, and Shiri was listening avidly.
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Vasso said. “But I thought you were going to wait longer before letting them meet.”
“Vasso!” Laila said, genuinely indignant on behalf of Shiri. Her action caused the teenager to shrink and put his head down.
“There is merit to your reasoning,” Ranvir said. “I could’ve waited many more months, right? But I’m not sure that would make me anymore certain. In the end, I still have to decide. Introduce them or not. How long until I know them enough? How do I even decide that? Is six months enough? A year? How can you be certain of trusting someone else with your child?”
“I figure you at least give it a few months.” Vasso glanced at Laila, who was staring daggers at both of them now. “Or maybe a month is good.”
Ranvir chuckled and pulled him into a half-hug. “Maybe I should’ve waited longer. I probably should have. But when does it become testing and when does it become punishing? I certainly don’t know, but I can’t help but think that Frija would be better off if her mother was also in the picture.”
Laila nodded.
“Besides, I guarantee you. Isgerd did plenty of research on Shiri, otherwise she wouldn’t have let be the primary caretaker for the young lady.”
“My mother is very smart,” Laila said confidently.
A childish, excited giggle rang out over the park as Shiri said something that Frija rolling with laughter. Ranvir smiled even as a yellow-bellied worm of jealousy crawled through him.