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Book 3 - Bloopers

"I'm not scared," Akari said.

Elend gave her a look. “You think you can bullshit a Dream Artist, lass? We use actual bull excrement in our aspecting rituals.”

Akari raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

Elend gestured out the window to where several golden bulls were grazing in an enclosed section of the backyard. A quick glance through her Silver Sight revealed they were at least Artisan-level.

“You think I breed these for their meat?” Elend said. “Aspiring Dream Artists will travel half the world for a chance to step in my backyard. In fact, they’d probably call us Bullshit Artists if not for the licensing hit we’d take.”

“Licensing,” Akari deadpanned. “Now you’re just …” She trailed off as they passed into the next room which was lined with row upon row of Elend Darklight action figures. Most of them were shirtless, with comically large muscles.

For Talek’s sake.

~~~

"So you want me to waste time?" Akari asked.

“Exactly,” Elend said.

“How?”

Elend pulled out his phone and opened an app from his home screen. "Have you ever heard of social media, lass? I don't use it myself, but Glim's channel has over nine million followers."

Akari perked up at that. She’d hardly explored the internet in the outside world, but she was eager to see how technology had progressed these last twenty years.

They spent the next five minutes watching brief videos of the blue mana spirit dancing and lip-syncing random songs. Some of the videos weren’t even songs at all—just random, out-of-context sentences.

"Yeah," Akari finally said when Elend closed the app. "I think I'll go back to Arkala"

~~~

“What were the first Espirian states to break free from the Shokenese Empire?” Glim asked from her bedroom mirror. And how’d they do it?”

Akari and Kalden had both studied with Glim these past few weeks. Apparently, the mana spirit had a flawless memory, similar to Irina’s Second Brain. This made her a perfect flashcard machine.

Glim also formed a ticking clock in the top right corner of the mirror. The real written test was timed, so every second mattered.

Akari drew in a deep breath. “New Cadria, Sheton, Costria, and Rireda. The Shokenese had two factions at that point, and Mystic Everrest played their leaders against each other.”

This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

“Great!” Glim gave her a thumbs-up, and golden confetti burst all around her.

Akari ignored the nonsense and waited eagerly for the real prize.

“You’ve gained five gold and fifteen XP!” Glim told her.

Akari nodded as she watched her stats increase in the mirror’s top right corner. Just twenty more experience points and she’d reach Level 13. That would finally put her ahead of Kalden on the scoreboard.

The clock reset, and Glim continued. “Why hasn’t transmutation achieved more widespread use in the alchemy field?”

“It’s expensive,” she said with feigned confidence. “The mana they spend is worth more than the results. And transmutation is based on weight, so a bigger payoff means a bigger cost.”

Glim gave her a thumbs-up, and she earned another five gold and fifteen experience points. So close.

“How are alchemists working to fix this problem?” the mana spirit asked.

“Waste conversion,” Akari said. “If one company pays them to take their garbage, they might have a chance of breaking even.”

“Wrong!” A cluster of sad-looking storm clouds gathered around Glim, and the last little heart popped in the top left corner of the mirror. Zero hit points left.

“I’ll buy a healing potion,” Akari said at once. The alternatives were waiting for her health to recharge, or losing an entire level on the next wrong question. Both options were obviously unacceptable.

“Minor healing potions cost twenty gold,” Glim told her with a satisfied look in her eyes. “You only have fifteen gold. However, if you give me your debit card, you can spend ten espers to unlock the Potion Store DLC. Then you can buy all your potions at a fifty percent discount.”

Akari considered that. She’d already spent most of her allowance on Glim’s DLC packages, and that rubbed her like a stone in her shoe. But then she glanced at the scoreboard and saw Kalden inching closer to Level 13.”

She thrust her card toward the mirror. “Do it.”

~~~

The match started a heartbeat later. Landon activated his Wind Cloak and shot two Missiles into the stone floor. The blast hurled him upward, and he flew toward the ceiling.

But Akari had predicted this. Bullets erupted from her machine gun, shell casings flew around her, and her opponent soared straight into that metal storm.

Akari patted the machine gun affectionately as her opponent faded to white mist. The match timer had barely reached two full seconds before it announced her victory.

Upbeat montage music blasted through the hall's speakers (apparently, she’d hacked those too?) and Akari spent the next seven weeks winning duels with her machine gun.

~~~

Kalden faced Arturo Kazalla in the dueling ring, and the two sized each other up.

“I heard you had another party last night,” Kalden said.

“That’s right, shoko. It was a wild one. Sorry you couldn’t make it.”

Kalden just smiled. “Yes, I’m sure you will be.”

“Huh?” Arturo raised an eyebrow. “Why’s that, shoko?”

“Because … “ Kalden gathered sharpened mana in his palms as Camila announced the start of the duel. “While you were partying, I studied the blade.”

~~~

Kalden paced through the Darklight’s estate, waiting for the results of his soulscan.

“You sure you don’t wanna do something?” Relia asked as he passed through the living room. “We could play a board game.”

“I’m fine,” Kalden said.

“A card game?” she asked.

“No.”

“A drinking game?”

He shook his head.

“How about spin the bottle?” Relia finally suggested.

Akari seemed to perk up at the idea, and Kalden stopped pacing as he turned to regard his friends. He’d spent years studying tactics, and one book had described something called the Everest Gambit—a situation that led to victory in every foreseeable outcome. Kalden had thought such scenarios were purely theoretical, but apparently not.

“Let’s play,” he finally said.

~~~

Tori hummed in vague agreement. “Even if Moonfire falls for it, what’s in it for us?”

Kalden smiled. “Exactly.”

They both stared at him, and Kalden leaned back in his seat. “Did you ever hear the tragedy of Emperor Hiloto of South Shoken?”

A short silence followed as the other two shared a look. Kalden savored the silence as ominous opera music blasted from the radio.

“No,” Tori finally admitted.

“I thought not,” Kalden said. “It’s not a story the Artegium would tell you.”