In the following days, I was given a full rundown of my mission, and due to this, I was able to start creating a plan.

The book of runes I was also given is actually really interesting. It is a very old book, it's from before the Alrius kingdom even existed. The runes stored inside aren't just physical enhancements like the ones I had access to before. These runes act almost exactly like enchantments do, in a way. Such things as magical flames on the enchanted weapon, and most interestingly body enhancing runes that can make someone stronger or faster, but these ones require very specific materials and placements of the runes.

I am very excited to play around with these new runes, but first, my mission has to be done. While I strongly dislike being told what to do, I am still being bankrolled by the Duke, both for my time here at school and for living expenses. I have to pay the rent somehow, and it's awful the only way I can is through blood.

To begin planning I use Mekare as a contact with the Duke to coordinate reinforcements. I am being given thirteen extra bodies to use as I deem fit. They apparently will arrive a week before the day of the plan along with any other resources I require.

In order to cover my tracks along with Duke Hasslerouges I decide to pretty much create an extremist group from the ground up. While I won't actively recruit like a normal group, I'll try and make it seem that we are a much larger and far more entrenched group than what we really have. I'll start a witch hunt for something that doesn't exist.

My first course of action is to set up a sort of uniform for our group. I decide to speak to Mekare about this. I approach her one night with my bald knobber mask in my hands. I then say to her,

"Alright... I have an idea. We need to make this whole attack look like it's been years in the making. We need to get everyone involved to wear a uniform. I don't really care what it looks like, that's up to you and your contacts. All I ask is that the headwear look sorta like this mask, and the main color of the uniform is black.

I want this big attack to somewhat seem connected to my earlier missions. I'll handle the rest of the planning, you just get that done and I'll brief you on it later."

She seems less than enthusiastic about my uniform recommendations but she does take the mask off my hands and leaves me alone. She is gone for a few days so I assume she did some hard work when it comes to getting me all the materials I need.

I spend my days scouting all buildings that might be important for the attack. I take note of every exit and every possible escape route on the royal building on campus. Once I gather my bearings I begin sneaking into the large formal building every night in order to get a feel for the halls and begin mapping the corridors. I give simple names to each hall and room, such as, "Hallway F1, or Big room F2". I even make copies of this map with much dedication by tracing my first draft. I will need to hand this out to all of my allies so that we may coordinate better.

I then decide how the angle of attack will happen. I begin researching ritual magic deeply, I practice my craft with the small insects and other animals they give us to figure out which ritual I will utilize. I decide on what effect I want from a big spell so during my nightly visits I begin slowly carving the ritual circle on the floor of the main ballroom, which is where the targeted gathering will take place.

I use large decorative rugs and carpets to cover the circle and my decision stays as it makes the room look quite nice, as it separates the dancing areas from the standing around areas. Once the circle is complete I then plan the attack itself along with the placement of my troops. I also plan to make a public appearance, and I begin writing my completely bullshit manifesto which I will read in a big over the top monologue.

I then start planning around major players who might throw a wrench in my plans. First is the Princess. She isn't on the list of known targets so I think I'll try to spare her. My idea to get her moving away from the party is, to begin with, a false flag on the opposite side of campus, in which I am caught in on my way to the big party to which I am invited. She is impulsive enough to do so, especially if it's an utterly devastating-looking attack. It will also give me an excuse to not be present and to avoid those questions. This action might also take Blake out of the equation. He will absolutely go and take the opportunity to be a hero. I need him away from the main attack mostly because I don't want a headache, and he could prove dangerous for my troops.

I will use the distraction time to round up everyone I can and identify all my targets in the ballroom. In order to keep the people in line I will openly and publicly kill one of them. This person will be whoever acts all high and mighty first. Nip that whole issue in the bud. My plan mostly focuses on being openly public and acting as if it is a hostage situation, not an outright assassination of a large group. The ritual will only be revealed once I have all my targets rounded up. I'll use some of them as the ritual sacrifice and the rest will be annihilated in the ensuing spell, which I have chosen specifically to give the biggest spectacle.

I also coordinate with Duke Hasslerouge to bring a military response, headed by himself and whoever else he is conspiring with. This should largely keep him off the radar of blame. All that's left is to get my troops in position and manage the equipment that's coming my way.

One week before the attack the troops and supplies arrive. As promised thirteen people are allocated to me. All of them are male and at first, glance appears to be siblings, with an uncanny similarity shared among all of them. They all give me the creeps with their monotone voices and expressionless faces, but they are seemingly loyal and are quite quick on the uptake for my plan. They are also very respectful so they win brownie points from me for that.

The uniforms couldn't be better though.

The troops wear some light metal and leather armor dyed a dark black. On their faces, they wear sturdy, black leather caps with their faces covered by a metal mask that is made to appear similar to the bald knobber mask that I used as an example. Even the standing ears have stripes on them mimicking the bindings I put on the mask to hold it tight to my head. It's a perfect nameless and faceless evil grunt uniform.

Mekare is also part of the plan thanks to her surprisingly powerful magic abilities, to my best knowledge it's probably because she is a succubus. Her uniform is about what I expected. A very revealing black leather suit that appears to be closer to lingerie or a fetish harness. It covers her enough to not be awkward, but again I can't say it's hard on the eyes. Her face is covered only by a half-mask with the same pointed ears on top. She shows me that she can change her appearance at will so I accept that the half mask is enough for her.

Then there is mine, and I gotta shake the hand of whoever made this armor and helmet. While it is much heavier armor than I am used to, as the Stella Coyote prefers light armor, it looks the part perfectly. It's a kind of lightweight plate armor made of black-painted steel. The shoulder guards are spiky and the knees, elbows, and knuckles of the armor also have spikes. It looks perfect for an evil-terrorist leader's armor suit.

The helmet looks just like my mask, it isn't just a bucket with a vague approximation of the upright ears on it. It is a rounded helmet more similar to those of the early renaissance with the ears looking a lot more like horns jutting from the top of the helmet. Overall the appearance of the armor is devilish. I absolutely love it.

It even comes with a black longsword that is really done up with a spiky and skull-decorated handguard.

The next days are spent sharing the plan and putting runes on my new armor.

I use the new runes on everything. I take care to hide the runes under the interlocking plates of the armor and under the cloth trim. This is in order to keep my identity hidden because as far as I know, I'm the only one with access to runes.

I don't have enough time to create composite runes on the armor because I haven't experimented with the new runes yet. I simply put strength and speed enhancement runes on the armor. Upon testing it is really something, in fact, it's difficult at first to move with the extra strength and speed. It takes everything I have not to jump every time I took a step in the runic armor, but I get the hang of it to the point where it looks natural. It's harder to put runes on the sword, but I put runes underneath the wrapping on the handle to hide them. I put my normal impact rune on the sword, but one of the new runes acts like a fire enchantment. It causes the blade to be engulfed in a magical flame that cannot be doused. That should absolutely make me look incredibly intimidating.

Then the day arrives.

I go through my normal daily activities at school. My troops got into position the night before. I showed them hidden spaces in the royal building where they will lie in wait until the ball begins.

Once class is over I head to the villa and immediately start faking illness. I hold my stomach and limp around complaining about gut issues. This of course makes Zindri quite frustrated. I am still dressed appropriately for the upcoming ball but using my illness as an excuse I hang back in the restroom, making us late to the ball. Zindri sent a messenger ahead to announce our tardiness. Once I leave the bathroom I escort the girls toward the ball. Then comes the worst part.

We pass by a large observation deck on the edge of the floating island we are on. Faking a spell of illness I rush to the edge and begin fake dry-heaving. I am also standing next to an important building on campus. This building is similar to a museum, inside of the building are powerful artifacts from the history of the kingdom. A perfect target for evil organizations. I took inventory of all the enchanted items in the building earlier, and nothing I really care about is in there. I spot Mekare standing on the roof in uniform and when Zindri and Zandra come to check on me they spot the dark shape of a woman against the slowly darkening sky. I do the motion to begin discreetly, and Mekare casts a powerful fire spell.

The bast is incredibly violent shaking the ground beneath me. We are all tossed to the ground by the blast. Acting valiantly I scoop both girls up and toss them onto the grass, securely on sturdy land. Then the second explosion happens cracking the building wide open, and breaking the patio off the edge of the island. I make a big show of falling down and losing my grip as I slip down the falling patio. I hit the railing while falling and have the wind knocked out of my lungs. I then fall out of sight as Zindri screams at my mortal peril.

After a few seconds of falling Mekare, with her full demonic visage on display flies and catches me while I fall. I say to her over the rushing wind,

"Nice catch!"

She laughs and says,

"I knew you'd fall for me eventually!"

We both laugh as we head toward the royal hall.

As we fly over no one looks up, and to my great excitement I see both Blake and the princess rush toward the pillar of smoke rising in the distance.

Mekare lands on the roof and hides her wings once more. We slip inside into an attic space where my armor awaits. With Mekares help I am dressed for the part in a few minutes and I begin heading downstairs as Mekare sets the troops into motion. One of the thirteen nameless goons uses magic to continue the distraction far away from where I am now. As I walk through the upper levels of the formal building I clear my throat getting my villain voice ready.

I stand on a balcony that overlooks the ballroom where all the guests stand around gossiping about what might have happened. I watch as my troops take out the guards on the other balconies silently. I then give the command and the lights in the ballroom shut off as the only entrance slams shut and a magically created wall of tiles rises up and blocks the door. When the lights go off I hear a few shrieks of terror and men shouting in confusion. I leap from my balcony and land on the raised stage I had set up weeks in advance. Mekare uses some kind of spell that creates a bright flash and lots of smoke where I land with a loud "BANG!"

Only one light comes on and illuminates the cloud of smoke which is slowly clearing revealing my terrible visage. As the smoke clears I give a performers bow before standing upright and throwing my head back in deep laughter. Once the laughing stops I take a deep breath and begin my speech in a fake baritone,

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen of the nobility of the Kingdom of Alrius. I hope your night has gone... well so far! I have come to add a little bit of excitement to your night, and if you play along I can guarantee your safety!"

A middle-aged noble steps forward in defiance and shouts at me,

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Guards rid us of this... this clown!"

I motion to the balconies as lights flash on illuminating my troops who all give a bow. I laugh and reply,

"I would say it's best for you to take a step back sir! The games have only just begun!"

I watch him deliberate in his mind for a second about what to do and he storms toward me after deciding to be defiant. When he comes within three yards of me I lash forward using my enhanced strength and speed to hit him hard in the head. I expected my spikes to be the thing that kills him, but instead his whole face caves in. I fight the urge to puke seeing his brains leak out around my fist, but I swallow it and drop him to the floor. As he falls to the ground dead and bloodied screams come from the crowd. I wipe my fist off with his capelet and return to my stage in a single backward leap, which I practiced multiple times.

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I then announce to the crowd,

"Are you all more... cooperative, or shall I and my friends up above start a massacre?"

The crowd stays huddled together and no one steps forward. I take a deep breath and sigh quietly in relief still shocked by what I just did.

I motion for the troops to begin sorting the crowd. They have better knowledge of what each of the targets on the list looks like, or at least what their crests look like. The group is separated into targets and target allies, and into those who are not on the list. No words are spoken to the crowd as they are separated. Thankfully there isn't a true pattern so no one makes a fuss. The non-targets are escorted to a secondary ballroom, which is much smaller but has no windows and only one door which can be easily barricaded closed.

I raise my hand toward the big windows in the main ballroom and then say as if I'm casting a spell,

"Cheeki Breeki Ive Danke..."

Mekare makes a wall of light appear for a second before disappearing. It looks as if I've cast a rare and unknown spell. I say to the crowd,

"I must go attend to our other guests. I apologize, but my friends here will keep you entertained. What I cast on the glass there is a spell that creates an invisible wall. If you are to touch this wall, all your skin will be flayed from your body!"

The crowd murmurs worriedly as I laugh. There is no such spell, I'm just keeping them in line for a while. I can't simply kill them all yet. My intentions are ambiguous, they need to be well-known for my plan to work.

I disappear in another flash and smoke and make my way to the other ballroom when I am stopped by one of my troops. He tells me,

"M'lord, our asset on the other side of campus has failed and taken his own life. The two opponents are now making their way here at top speed."

I cuss to myself and tell him,

"Keep two watching both groups of prisoners at least. Make it look like we have many more men at our disposal if you can. I want the rest of you to make this place a slaughterhouse. Paint the walls red with blood and scatter body parts and mangled corpses everywhere. Do not engage these enemies they are quite powerful. Instead, distract them and try to coax them to the throne room."

He nods and rushes down a different hall. Mekare and I begin running to a room I marked Annex A1. It's a fake throneroom I created in one of the extra rooms. I spent hours decorating it to look like the lair of an archvillain. I scrapped the plan thinking it was too much, but I kept the room as it was as a contingency. I have Mekare go to the non-target room to grab some hostages as I get into the throne room and begin sprucing it up. I light the massive braziers which are filled with some potassium chloride which the alchemy department had an ample supply of. This makes the flames a daunting purple color. I then take my seat on the raised and spiky throne which is made to appear constructed out of metal but is really just painted wood. I adjust my position a few times until I come up with the best-bored tyrant pose I can. Mekare enters the room with two women on leashes, both of which have been undressed, which I never told her to do, but it does create the atmosphere.

They are tethered to the throne and Mekare makes them crawl on the ground like dogs. One speaks to me and I almost jump in surprise. It is fucking Margeret. She says to me in a voice more similar to a whimper,

"What are you going to do to us? Please I don't want to die. I'll do anything!"

I keep my fake voice on, but the malice in it is real as I backhand her lightly. The strength enhancement causes her to violently be tossed back and choked by the leash. I say to her,

"You are my slave now. Slaves do not speak to their master."

Her eyes go wide in fear as she bows down whimpering. The other girl remains quiet but stays on her knees staring forward in shock. I leave her be, she doesn't deserve this shit.

I stay in position and Mekare kneels down next to the throne and presses her body against my leg. She casts a spell quietly and the room is filled with a sweet scent and a light haze. Oh yeah, it's all coming together. I stop myself from jumping in surprise as the doors are kicked off their hinges. Standing in the doorway with a look of rage in her eyes is the princess, whose dress is scorched and tattered. Blake is close behind her looking pale. I raise my head as if my interest has been piqued.

They step inside and the look of rage subsides into abject horror. That means I did a good job. I then speak loudly and deeply to them,

"Welcome young princess, and guest!

I have been awaiting your arrival! I assume my comrades kept you entertained? "

She grits her teeth and sways side to side awkwardly, her initial rage subsiding, but she finds herself enough to reply angrily,

"What have you done? What is it you want?"

I throw my head back in the same evil laugh and notice both the collared girls are breathing really heavily. I don't respond instantly as I realize what Mekare might have done. I mouth to myself,

"Fucking Succubus."

Mekare gives a low laugh as she gracefully pulls herself onto my lap and kisses the front of my helmet, this fills the downtime long enough for me to come back to the matter at hand as I grab the succubus by her hip. I then explain to the princess my well-practiced speech,

"Ahhhh... What do I want?

Isn't that the question of the hour? You know princess you are quite the inquisitive one. Most would ask who I was at first, but I will humor the question asked first.

What I want is... for the pleasures of this world! I want to rule it all as it all belongs to me! That is my birthright which your family so long ago took from us. The false lineage of Alrius. "

She looks at me shocked for a second and she then says quietly,

"You... you are a descendant of Jackson Alrius? They... they should be all dead!"

I internally grow excited seeing that my history lessons paid off. I then continue,

"YES! My family has been in exile for so long we were thought to be dead. We have been in preparation for decades... no... over a century and now it is time for us to rise to the throne!"

She shudders for a moment and shakes her head. I hope and pray whatever the hell Mekare cast isn't like some fucked up mind control or aphrodisiac that you see in plots like these. Mekare slips off of my lap and goes back to her kneeling position. Blake appears to be pissing his pants as he stares at me wide-eyed. They have that faint glow that he had during our fight, but he seems... incredibly disturbed. The princess seems to shake off whatever feeling came over her and she stands straighter. She asks me defiantly,

"And what does this whole attack do? What good does this do for claiming your throne?"

I give a small laugh and I motion to both sides of myself. As practiced Mekare creates two illusions that work like television screens showing the two rooms filled with the captives. My troops can be seen standing over the crowds like statues. I offhandedly count way more than twelve, so they must've used illusions or something to appear more abundant. I then pull on Margaret's leash and pull her toward me before grabbing her by the neck. I pull her over the arm of the throne and act as if I am inspecting her body. I then look back toward the princess as I pull Margeret in close and make sure to hold her tightly while avoiding grabbing anything private.

I then say to the princess,

"Well... my plan is to take you. Simply put hold the heir hostage... and then butcher the current rulers. Simply put... you are my target princess."

Her eyes go wide with surprise and she asks in a near growl,

"And how will you do that?"

I give a small laugh and then begin crushing Margeret's throat with my hand. She begins choking loudly and hitting my arms and I motion to the screens with my free hand. I don't know if those screens are illusions or are actually showing what's happening, but all the guards on video raise their hands and I assume magic circles appear in their hands as the Princess shouts,

"Wait stop! Don't kill them, your fight is with me!"

I stop choking Margeret who gulps in air greedily. I then say to the princess,

"Ho ho... now I've heard that the current princess doesn't care about her people? That she is a stuck-up elitist who sees those lower than her as simple... well nobodies!

Now, why would I stop?"

She grits her teeth before exhaling answering in a defeated tone,

"No... that's false... It's the duty of the crown to protect their people before they protect themselves... I just have to act like that in order to keep the nobility in line... I have to keep them in fear... please... even if they are all nobles in these rooms they do not deserve to die!

I... I concede..."

This honestly surprises me. She sounded so sincere about what she said. It actually breaks my heart to see her so defeated. Her normal stuck-up demeanor seems... so fake now that I think back on it, but now... it's time to finish the plan. My "goals" have been announced and who I am in a way has been revealed. Now it's time to blow this place and make my escape. I whisper to Mekare,

"Okay... Start the escape plan. I will engage in combat with those two. Take only Margeret with us as a prize. Free the other. Bring no harm to the non-targets and await my orders to escape."

Without speaking or acknowledging my orders Mekare stands and steps behind my throne as I toss Margeret off of me roughly. She disappears behind the throne as Mekare escapes down the hidden door leading to the basement I had strategically placed beforehand. I then stand and draw my sword and it ignites in a brilliant flame. I spin it around a couple of times as I give a long and low chuckle that fills the room. I then say to the Princess,

"That is mighty noble of you... but... I like to break my toys before I play with them..."

She shakily draws a sword but quickly gets into a combat stance. To my surprise, Blake grabs her shoulder and shouts,

"Are you crazy? We can't beat him. I saw the future! We have to get out of here now."

The princess turns to him solemnly and replies,

"I thank you for helping avenge Isa... but... you may go... this is my fight."

To my disappointment, Blake doesn't look back as he runs off. I thought he would have changed. I mentally write him off as being a nobody, and a non-issue for the future. I approach the princess carefully and she then rushes me. She has her abilities amplified with magic, but my runic enhancements appear to be superior. Our swords clash and I stand my ground without sliding back an inch. Her eyes go wide in horror as I go for my own slash. She barely manages to block it and she leaps backward and begins casting a spell. Whatever Mekares mist is doing seemingly keeps her from concentrating, and she fails to cast the spell. I laugh at her and lunge forward. She blocks it but is knocked to the floor.

She starts to sit up but I plant a boot on the middle of her chest. I press down and put her on the floor and press down just enough to be painful. She hammers on my shin doing nothing to the unfeeling steel. I take my foot off of her and kick her out the door and into the hall. She rolls a few more feet before slamming into a wall. She gets to her knees and vomits. I grab her by her hair and drag her. I take her to a hall with large windows facing the rest of the campus. I toss her and she climbs to her feet while spitting out the rest of her vomit. The pale moon illuminates the hall as we stand across from one another.

She raises her fists unsteadily. I can commend her fighting spirit. She bolts toward me and I sidestep her with my enhanced speed. As she passes I trip her and she goes flying again. Headfirst into a wall.

Her nose is bleeding as she stands and I give another hearty laugh as my stomach grows sicker by the second. I hate this so much. I say to her in a cocky tone,

"Well, this is getting boring... I thought the princess would be... more difficult."

Her eyes grow moist as tears well up before she lunges at me one more time. Swiftly I throw a knee into her side and send her through the window and down onto the grass below where she lands with a loud thud and a crunch. This is followed up by a scream. I don't bother to look over the side. I make my way to the main ballroom and stand on the stage once more in a flash. The building is shaken by an explosion right where I planned. The military response arrived and blew up the exterior wall of the other ballroom with the non-targets. They should be evacuated by now.

I motion toward my troops who withdraw in their own flashes and I announce to the crowd,

"Well, it has been a wonderful night! Now I shall end this game in a wonderful display! And you shall be the fireworks."

I slam my foot onto the magic circle hidden by the carpet. The carpet burns away as the circle activates and begins glowing. The dead body lying on the ground evaporates and ten random people evaporate into thin air as the crowd begins running to the bricked-off door. They try to kick through it as I laugh loudly and Mekare flies up to the window and smashes it. I leap into her arms as the circle glows, brighter and brighter. She flies as fast as she can away and I look behind us. There is a sudden flash, and then a pillar of light engulfs the entire building. The intense heat obliterates everything and when the light fades and the massive shockwave goes by there is a clean circle cut out of the floating island. Three warships circle the island and I can see soldiers unloading. Mekare flies to where I fell off the island and drops me on the ground in the rubble of the balcony I fell from.

A small flying ship comes down to us and I remove my armor and put back on my fancy clothes which have been brutalized. They have been slashed, thrown into mud, and even a bit of blood. My armor is loaded onto the small ship and I lie down on the rubble as Mekare boards and the ship silently sails away.

I lie there for a while until two silent men appear and carry me onto a different small ship. One with the Hasslerouge family crest on it. I am placed onto a clean bed and feel the ship lift away. I pretend to fall asleep and just lie there with my thoughts. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I feel my throat tighten and tears well up as I come to terms with what I've done. I have to fly out of bed and I vomit in a bucket setting against the wall. That's when my door opens and Duke Hasslerouge enters along with Zindri and Zandra. I look over at them my eyes watering and still heaving.

Zindri runs over to me and bear hugs me while shouting,

"I thought you died saving us! I'm so sorry about how horrible I've been to you!"

I look at the Duke my expression vacant and he gives me a knowing glance before mouthing,

"Well done."

That makes my stomach churn even worse. Zandra does look happy though which is nice. I try to talk but find my voice is gone. All I can muster is a croak. Duke Hasslerouge explains to his daughters,

"We found him broken and on the verge of death. We used high-grade healing potions and healing magic on him. He is probably tired and sick from that experience. Leave us... I need to speak to him."

Zindri reluctantly releases me and leaves with Zandra. I puke once more before my gut is empty. After I wipe my face with a random rag I sit back down on the bed. The Duke produces a bottle of wine out of nowhere and hands it to me. I take a swig and wince at the horrible taste, but I keep drinking. I need to numb myself. He lets out a long breath before he starts speaking,

"That... was something. Mekare has let me know everything you planned and did. I absolutely am floored by your work as always. All objectives were met. You will be rewarded further. I thank you for your service... "

After that, he leaves me to wallow in sorrow and drink my wine. The ship docks somewhere and I am led off. I avoid questioning by the royal guard due to being more or less dead during the entire attack. I am brought back to the villa. Once inside Mekare appears in front of me. She motions me to go outside and leads me to an unused building on campus. She tells me,

"I have something that might help with your... stress."

I grunt at her and head into the dark building. My steps are uneasy due to drinking an entire bottle of wine, but I am not sloppy drunk yet.

Inside this building in the center is the naked Margeret who is leashed to the wall. She looks up toward me basically panting like a dog. Upon recognizing me she shouts,

"Doggy! I mean Lord Isa! You've come to save me from that beast!"

I shake my head solemnly as Mekare approaches me from behind. She says in a devious voice,

"This building is soundproofed and out of the way of everyone. You can do to this woman as she did to you."

I keep shaking my head feeling sicker by the moment and really not happy about this. I guess I did say to take her... but I thought she'd just be thrown off the ship to her death or something. I hold my hand out toward Mekare. I feel cold steel in my hand and I close my hand around it. I bring the knife in front of me and Margeret stares at me in horror and she says scared,

"You... you wouldn't do that to me right?"

I kneel down next to her and grab the back of her head and I say quietly,

"No... I'm not as horrible as you..."

I drive the blade sharply into her heart and watch the life drain from her eyes. I expected an exhilarating feeling, one of freedom and happiness, but no. I don't feel anything. I frown and drop her before standing. I leave the building with Mekare looking disappointed in me. I stumble around slightly as I walk home. I feel a little weight off my shoulders... but I feel overall horrible.

I make it to bed and try to sleep, but all the horrible things I did today flash across my mind and I find myself on the verge of tears multiple times. Only two things cross my mind.

What have I done? Who have I become?