Daniel was suddenly extremely aware of John’s leg touching his own, and that made him nervous. “Maybe I’ll call you and tell you where I go, once I get there,” he said, the words hard to get out. John had to have known that Daniel had this big, ridiculous crush on him, and even if John knew and didn’t care, he couldn’t help but feel ashamed for making himself so riled up over what was just them sitting on a stupid bench together. He’d never told anybody about plans for running away before, and figured that if he did John would just tell somebody about it and the plans would come crashing down like they usually did. Daniel didn’t care. That wasn’t the point.
John just nodded, as if Daniel wasn’t clearly so infatuated with him that it was hard to even look up toward his stupid face. They were quiet for a while, looking out at the lake. Usually they’d be deep into a debate about Black Flag or something, but instead they were just sitting together. John swung his leg slightly, making their knees clink together.
“Oh! I forgot, I made some friendship bracelets during lunch,” John said, reaching into his pocket. “I was just making them out of habit, but maybe you could have one, since you’re gonna run away.” Without asking, he took Daniel’s wrist and began to tie it, though he didn’t get very far into the task.
“John, I’m a queer! I have a crush on you! You can’t give me a stupid friendship bracelet,” Daniel yelled, louder than he meant to. He was going insane, wasn’t he? Friends were out of the question for Daniel, because girls were a whole other species and boys were too hot for him to ever control himself around, and that wasn’t even keeping into consideration how everything was a competition and that he’d either come out on top or disappear to another city and try to start over again. Or somebody would find him and pull him home to Seattle. He pulled his wrist away from John.
It shouldn’t have been a revelation, given that everybody knew he was gay even if he deflected (especially when he deflected), but John was silent for too long for it not to be a revelation, right? Daniel’s head felt light, and he didn’t have much time to get himself together before he started crying. How pathetic. John murmured something but Daniel was too far gone to hear it, too self-absorbed and melodramatic and gay to do anything but sit there and sob over how his life was so ruined that he didn’t even know if it was possible to keep digging deeper.
“Daniel,” John said. He put a hand on Daniel’s shoulder.
“Don’t you fucking get it? Don’t you get why I’m running away?” Daniel replied, cutting himself off with a sharp, shaky gasp for air. “You’re not supposed to be my friend. You’re supposed to leave me alone. I’m not gonna fucking call you when I run away, that defeats the whole purpose. Don’t you understand? Just go away, okay?”
John just repeated himself, almost stern in how he spoke. It made Daniel feel spooked into looking up at him, even if he was still crying. He looked concerned, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “I’m not gonna go away just because you think this is you against the world,” he said. He took Daniel’s wrist back, though not without a fight, and tied the friendship bracelet. “I don’t think I can convince you to stay, but I don’t want you to go.”
There weren’t any words to reply with, and John seemed to sense that, not hovering over Daniel when his gaze dropped. Composure was hard to come by, but Daniel did eventually stop crying, even if his heart rate was still insane. He took his glasses off to rub his eyes, as if getting the tears off his face would mean that he never had that outburst at all. He was still mad at John for everything, but it felt more meaningless now that he made it clear he wouldn’t leave.
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Daniel had noticed something strange when he put his glasses back on, albeit it was initially just a feeling of pressure that hadn’t been there before he started crying. It was John’s hand on his leg. Not just on his leg, but pretty high up on his thigh; and not just incidentally touching Daniel either. “I’m not an idiot, John. Don’t play games with me,” He mumbled, completely miserable.
“I don’t know what you mean,” John said, a lie but one that didn’t pretend to be anything else. Daniel looked up at him, having found the bravery to do so, but he was so handsome that he had to look away unless Daniel wanted to make a fool of himself. “Look, you’re not gonna believe me, but I was talking to my mom about you and she told me that I should tell you that I think I might be into you. That was why I suggested we hang out tonight, actually.”
“I hate you,” Daniel said. He wanted to start crying again, if he wasn’t so out of it, but he wasn’t entirely sure why. He managed another glance up at John, one long enough to register his expression. His eyebrows were raised in a particular way, the way they were whenever he looked at Heather and they were more on than off. There was no trace of a lie in any of his mannerisms, which just made Daniel want to cry more.
He went to look away again, but John took his free hand and placed it on Daniel’s cheek, keeping his gaze locked in John’s direction. “If it’s alright, I’d like to be your first kiss.” His thumb was under Daniel’s jaw and was so, so gentle. He wanted to scream yes, over and over—he wanted to tell him that it didn’t matter if his glasses got in the way because the few seconds John took to take Daniel’s glasses off were agonizing—but he couldn’t even move, let alone speak. His face must have been bright red, but it was okay, because John’s blush had practically overtaken his freckles.
“Please,” Daniel eventually managed.
John pulled him close and when their lips touched, he swore he must have blacked out for a second. It wasn’t just about the kiss itself, not really, although he’d never noticed how soft John’s lips were before. It was mostly just that his stupid unattainable history class daydreams were coming true right then and John coerced his lips apart and just like that Daniel’s mind went completely blank again.
It must have been a really awful kiss for John, though, because Daniel didn’t exactly bring anything to the table other than being physically there. But that didn’t matter, it didn’t matter at all, and John put his arms around Daniel and when he pulled away he put their foreheads together and hummed and seemed so happy. “I haven’t thought through how we’ll hide this at school yet,” he admitted. “Please don’t run away.”
“I won’t,” Daniel promised. He could barely even breathe, so wrapped up in himself and his feelings that the whole thing had just left him paralyzed. He wondered vaguely how John was so sure that this was Daniel’s first kiss, even if he was right about that fact. Suave didn’t exactly work for John, since he was so genuine that it always came off as corny rather than suave. At least, that was typically what Daniel thought, but he had been so smooth and calm and comfortable for the entire night and it all just made sense.
But John stopped being like that, leaning away to start laughing. This was extraordinarily worrying for the moment or two before it became clear that he was overjoyed. Daniel felt his exhale (a necessary one that forced himself to actually take a breath instead of sit there and asphyxiate) turn into a nerve-ridden chuckle as well.
“Danny, I can’t believe—I’m so…” John stammered for a while before giving up on the thought, playing with one of his many bracelets. “I wanna keep kissing you but I think we should go to my house instead of just sitting here. Plus, Mom’s fine with you staying the night in my room.”
Daniel couldn’t stop smiling, to the point that he would have been crying if he wasn’t so exhausted from crying. “Yeah,” he said. John’s eyes were such a dazzling blue, even in the dim light of the park. “Yeah, let’s go.”