After telling her my situation, I somehow mentioned that she was different from before. Her answer was "You just didn't know the real me."

"Hm?"

"You are the only white class of Roarthas kingdom, of course everyone would be careful around you. Even you wouldn't anger a monster right?"

"M- monster? You all saw me as a monster? But I never acted violently. I did my best to be friendly with everyone." I do bad things behind the scenes though. I'm aware that I'm a bad person.

"Yes, you were easy to approach and fun to be with, but everyone had to tread lightly. We didn't know much about you, what if we were already making an enemy out of you without knowing?"

Now that I think about it, I never told anyone about myself. I was content with how everyone acted around me. I never asked about them, and they never asked about me. There has been a barrier between me and the people from the very start.

"And? Why are you telling me this now? Is it because I'm no longer a monster?"

"Yes, that's one of the reasons. I can talk to you freely knowing that I could at least run away in case I anger you."

"I could freeze you right now you know?"

"But you wouldn't right? You could've done so when your life was in danger and when I was forcing myself on to you, yet you avoided using it."

"Well... I..."

"You are strong, but you aren't dangerous. You are good person."

Che, good person? I've sinned so many times, how could I be good person? "Reason, what's the other reason?"

"Do you know what I felt when I thought you died? I thought my world crumbled. We rarely talk, most of the time we just have sex and that's the end of it. But the thought of never seeing you again pained me."

"..."

"I slept with you because I idolized you, and I kept quiet because a part of me was afraid of you. I was sure my feelings for you was just that, but it wasn't. I don't want to lose you, not until I know more about you, not until you know more about me, and not until I tell you what I truly feel."

No, don't tell me. I don't deserve it. I'm only after sex, I'm the worst kind of person. I... don't deserve to be loved...

...

I was born in a remote village. All paths leading in and out were not friendly to travelers. We rarely get any visitors, and we were too hard to reach that the kingdom didn't bother communicating with us. The flow of money wasn't the same as with the big cities, you could even say it never flowed to begin with.

The currency were resources, we traded with what we have. And because we only had each other to rely on, an indestructible bond was created between us. Our small village was like one big family. I loved my parents, and I loved every villagers. Even when we were cut from the rest of the world, I was happy.

But one day, a group of armed men entered our village and destroyed everything we've built. I never did anything to them, yet they took everything away from me. My family, my friends, all of them died in front of my eyes along with view of our burning village.

On that day, my world crumbled, and a feeling I've never felt before took over my body: rage. The last thing I saw was me picking up a wooden stick and running to one of the men that destroyed everything. I was sure I would never awake again, I was sure I would die like the others, yet I lived.

I woke up the next day. My body was indeed in a bad shape, but every men that attacked our village was lying near me. When I looked at the hand which picked the wooden stick, what I saw was a sword filled with blood; at the age of ten, I killed thirty seven men.

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Without knowing, I exacted my revenge. But after that, I didn't know what to do. Everyone was gone, I had no place to return to, I had no reason to continue living. No, there was something I could do: repent for my sin. I could've saved everyone, yet I didn't. That was my first and biggest sin.

I rebuilt the village from scratch, and made myself stronger by randomly swinging a sword as long as I could move. It was a few years later when master found the village.

Thinking he will destroy the village, I attacked first, but lost. Unlike me who didn't know which path to take, he knew and has mastered his own path. The difference between us was too large. That time I was certain I would die, yet I didn't.

I woke up in my room, and in place of my parents, master took care of me. Since then, I grew attached to him. He trained me harshly, but since that was what he wanted, I never complained. It was painful, but it was nothing compared to the pain of losing everything. I finally found a someone I could call family, I don't want to lose him.

But fate didn't want me to be happy, once I reached master's level, he asked me for a death match. Of course I declined, how could I point my spear to my only family? I would die first before even thinking that. But he begged, and begged, and begged, until he attacked me, forcing me to fight back.

Nothing I said stopped him, and I finally realized something. He was a lot weaker than before. He wasn't even a threat anymore. I restrained him because I didn't want to hurt him, and at that moment, I lost him without knowing.

He gave me everything and treated me like his own son. The only thing he asked from me was a warrior's death. He didn't want to die by old age or by a disease, he wanted to die fighting the strong. But I depraved him that. I was so focused on myself that I ignored his only wish. I have sinned yet again.

In the end, I agreed to fight him, but at that point, he could barely touch me. His anger towards me gave him strength to fight, but the gap between us was too large. I struck the final blow, I finally ended the life of my second father, but he didn't die happy. Till the very end, I didn't fight at full strength. I belittled his resolve. I was a coward.

I ran away from the village. I wanted to forget everything. I was physically strong, yet I was mentally weak. I didn't even want to repent, I just wanted to run away. I'll never be the hero that I've read in books, I'm a bad person, I'm a sinner.

I reached one of the cities of Roarthas kingdom at the age of twenty five. From then on, I started living a life where I could be happy. No use thinking about what would happen to other people, I'm a bad person anyway.

I slowly got used to my new life and entered the mercenary guild to live in luxury. I only thought about own happiness. It was fine as long as I was happy.

I could smile again, I was looking forward to tomorrow, and I finally forgot about my past. But I was just lying to myself. Even now, I'm running away from what I really feel. Even now, I'm a coward.

I don't deserve to find true happiness... I don't deserve anyone's affection...

...

After getting my money, I traveled to a faraway city by joining a caravan. None found out who I was and Cornelia promised to hide my secret. I should be happy, so why does my heart ache?

Meh, not like it's the first time I felt this way. "Now then, I wonder what I should do first in Dorlan city."