“-ck?!”
I was back in my car, parked on the side of the highway in the middle of the night. I looked around, noticing that it was actually further back than where I had stopped it. The exit that Watchmaker wanted us to take was just ahead, with a sign showing there was an overnight rest stop there.
It seemed like the best idea, mostly because I wasn't actually sure what just happened was real. I checked the time and saw it had been almost an hour since I had swerved onto the side of the road. Was that accurate or another figment of my imagination? And why would I dream up something that weird? In any event, I parked at the rest stop and got out to go to the store, intending to get something to eat.
As I was headed there, I noticed a woman standing to the side of the door, leaning against the wall, staring at what looked like a pebble. I stopped, worried that I was looking at what I thought I was looking at.
[The tutorial program recognizes another focus.]
[CAUTION! Using another focus will cause irreparable damage to the user, often leading to insanity and death.]
[You are recommended to leave the area of the focus.]
Blinking away the notifications, I walked past the woman, who was still staring at the focus. I grabbed a coke from the fridge, then thought better of it and instead got a water bottle. On the way to the counter, I also grabbed a bag of chips. After paying for my stuff, I walked back out, noting that the woman who was staring at the focus was walking away from the store with it still in her hand. Thankfully, she was not near where I had parked.
Getting back in the car, I idly ate my chips and sipped the water, trying to figure out what was going on.
[Would you like to enter the simulation portion of the tutorial program?]
[Y/N]
Oh, great, I thought, now what's going to happen?
I ignored the notification while I finished the food and thought about how this would work. Simulation sounding fairly safe, all things considered, and it was a tutorial program. I leaned my car seat all the way back, lying down nearly vertically. Then I refocused on the notification and thought, Yes.
[Simulation activated.]
I was standing on a flat slab of concrete, which appeared to be endless. I didn't see much of anything around me, but I did notice that I was wearing ... something. Not exactly skin tight, and it didn't feel like anything. It was the same color as the concrete, a dull grey, and had an emblem of gears shifting on it.
[Welcome to the simulation portion of the tutorial. You have 170 hours, 48 minutes, and 13 seconds until this private simulation joins the global tutorial.]
A few stairs appeared before me, with an arrow pointing up on each one.
[Please climb the structure.]
Wow, an actual game tutorial, I thought, climbing the stairs and lamenting how awful this would probably be. Also, where am I? Is this in my head?
[Part one of five complete. Resetting.]
I don't know what happened to the stairs, either they slammed back down or I was just teleported to another flat, endless slab of concrete. This time, it made a small wall, with various hand and foot holds on it.
[Please climb the structure.]
I started climbing, concerned that this was going to be the only thing I would have to do. I mean I had mana for goodness sake, why not teach me to cast a spell or something?
[Part two of five complete. Resetting.]
Again the jarring reset, and again a new structure. This time, it was one of those ninja obstacle course things, where it had two posts with multiple pegs coming out, and a bar across the lowest pegs. You basically had to do some crazy pull ups to get up it, I think.
[Please climb the structure.]
Yeah, I wasn't going to be able to climb this thing. I figured I might as well fail this part and see what would happen. I grabbed the bar and pulled myself up, then tried to push the bar before I'd get slammed back down. Fortunately, I did push the bar past the pegs. Unfortunately, I didn't get it back into the second set of pegs and instead fell down.
[Resetting.]
This time the reset put me back to just holding the bar on the first set of pegs. At least I knew what would happen if I should fail again. I was curious as to why we were starting with this.
“System,” I said aloud, “why are we doing climbing challenges?”
[These are tests to see your baseline aptitude. You will succeed or fail at each portion, after which you will be given advanced tutorials. These tests take as long as one day on your planet.]
“Huh.” A whole day of this? That sounded rough, especially because I should ... be ... sleepy? “System, why am I not sleepy?”
[You are currently under the tutorial as designed by the Watchmaker. Each council member creates different boons and challenges for their versions of the tutorial. One such boon offered to those under the Watchmaker is the ability to be in peak condition at all times, owing to his divine domain of time.]
“Wait, I thought he controlled fate?”
[The Watchmaker has many domains. Please climb the structure.]
“Oh, right. I can't.”
[Please climb the structure.]
“No, but you see, I can't.”
[Please climb the structure.]
Sighing, I let go of the bar, intent on walking away.
[Resetting.]
My hands were back up, holding the bar.
[Please climb the structure.]
Blinking, I let go again, but before I could even move my hands an inch away from the bar-
[Resetting.]
-they were holding it again. Crap, I thought, this is gonna keep me stuck here, isn't it?
[Please climb the structure.]
Maybe if I failed again, it would let me go? I made another attempt, this time not falling down but not able to clear the pegs. I tried to let go again, but my arms were stuck to the bar.
“Uhh, system? I would like to not climb the structure?”
[Error: User does not have admin privileges.]
“But I can't climb this damned thing!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Fuck you!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Fuck off!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Please go fuck yourself.”
[Please climb the structure.]
“I insist that you fall into the fucking sun first.”
[Please climb the structure.]
“My religion forbids me from structure climbing, you insensitive fucking cunt!”
[Please climb the structure.]
~~~
25 Minutes Later
~~~
[Please climb the structure.]
“Please climb the structure.”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Please climb the structure.”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Please climb the structure.”
[Please climb the structure.]
~~~
2 Hours Later
~~~
[Please climb the structure.]
“THIS BOON THING FROM THE WATCHMAKER IS INSANE!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“I'M AMAZED MY ARMS CAN'T GET SORE!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“HEY SYSTEM, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE ISN'T GETTING SORE?”
[Please climb the structure.]
“MY VOICE AS I TELL YOU TO SUCK A FAT CHODE, YOU UPPITY FUCK!”
[Please climb the structure.]
~~~
1 Day Later, Elsewhere
~~~
Watchmaker, having finished giving the last of his chosen their focus, decided to check in on the progress of the more promising candidates. On a whim, he decided to see what James Arthur was up to first.
~~~
[Please climb the structure.]
“There's always gonna be another mountain!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“I'm always gonna wanna make it move!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Always gonna be an uphill battle!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“ Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Ain't about how fast I get there !”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Ain't about what's waiting on the other side!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“It's the climb!”
[Please climb the structure.]
~~~
Elsewhere
~~~
Well, Watchmaker thought, he'll give up eventually.
~~~
2 Days Later
~~~
[Please climb the structure.]
“Thank you for calling AT&T customer service, may I please know your name?”
[Please climb the structure.]
“I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that. Can you please tell me your name?”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Alright, nice to meet you, Pleaseclimbthestructure. In a few words, can you please tell me how we can assist you today?”
[Please climb the structure.]
“I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that. In a few words, please tell me how we can assist you today.”
[Please climb the structure.]
“I'm sorry, I still didn't get that. Would you like to speak to a representative?”
[Please climb the structure.]
“I'm sorry, that isn't a valid response. Returning to main menu. Main menu: Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed. Did you know you can now see and pay your bill on-”
[Please climb the structure.]
~~~
4 Days Later
~~~
[Please climb the structure.]
“Put one up, climb the fuck, 10,312 structures around, 10,312 structures!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Put one up, climb the fuck, 10,313 structures around, 10,313 structures!”
[Please climb the structure.]
“Put one up, climb the fuck, 10,314 structures around, 10,314 structures!”
[Please climb the structure.]
~~~
Elsewhere
~~~
Watchmaker sat and watched James Arthur as he refused to move anything other than his mouth for the 8,800th minute straight.
“Holy fuck,” his colleague, Starforger, said, amazement in her voice evident.
“Language,” Watchmaker said, though privately he agreed with the sentiment.
“Why did he come to be under your domain?”
“A gamble, one I've made before.”
“Ah, fuck,” Lifebloomer said, his excitement wilting with his body. “Another candidate for your opposite? It can't be done.”
“Why do you suppose that is, my friend?”
“No one can become your opposite,” Voidchurner said, dispassionate as ever. “Your domains are too absolute, in every universe we enter.”
“Not so,” Watchmaker said, though he knew this argument between himself and his fellow Council members forwards and back.
“Yes, it is,” Starforger said, all interest in James having disappeared from everyone now. “Order gets countered with Chaos, we've seen that plenty of times. But your Fate is immutable, you can't even break it. And Time has never had an opposite. What would it even be called, Untime?”
Watchmaker made ready to respond, when he happened to glance back down at James, who pretended to be asleep. Shaking his head, he gestured to the Council to look back at him.
“Chaos enough for me, I would think. I don't know if any of you would believe me, but he has no Fate. He is slated to die the moment the global tutorial starts. And we'll cross that Time bridge when we get to it.”
“If we get to it. Now, can we finalize this last set of issues, before we push for the global tutorial to begin?” Endpuller asked.
“Quite. Issue the first, too many expected survivors. What's our count looking like?”
“Fourteen point seven three million, give or take six thousand.” Endpuller responded.
“Ugh, great. More burning?” Starforger begged.
“Too much, that'd bring us below ten mil.”
“We could drown them?” Voidchurner said hopefully.
“Too much change there, way too many overly aquatic features. We're already a bit above capacity as is.”
“Aww,” Voidchurner said, downcast.
“I've a proposal,” Watchmaker said, grinning.
“Great, what grand idea do you have this time?”
“A race!”
For the first time in nearly six universe integrations, everyone on the Council stared at him.
“... Isn't that too overt?” Endpuller said, confusion in his voice evident.
“Yes! That's what's great about it!” Watchmaker replied, all too happy to explain. “We tell them it's a race, and the first ten million get to live! But, here's the kicker, we don't tell them what the victory conditions are.”
“Well, how do we set fair victory conditions?” Voidchurner asked.
“We don't,” Watchmaker said. “We set fair victory proportions. Not among the natives, obviously, but among ourselves. It'll reduce the capacity issue and we get to cherry pick our candidates. It couldn't be better!”
“... All in favor?” Endpuller asked.
“Aye,” the rest of the Council responded.
“Alright, next issue: Alien civilization relocations. We have a capacity of four on this Earth and a waiting list of two hundred.”
As the Council started debating on which aliens to teleport onto the unsuspecting Earthlings, Watchmaker glanced back at Arthur, noting he was urinating all over the place. Shaking his head, he reminded himself to keep bladders nearly empty next time he did something like this. Then he pulled himself back into the conversation at hand.