I found myself standing inside a large white room. There was white in every direction I looked, it was almost overpowering but not quite blinding. Slowly turning around, my eyes suddenly found themselves looking at an old man, sitting at a tea table. He was smiling softly in my direction.
"Welcome, Monica Delrose" he said, as he indicated for me to sit down and join him for a cup of tea.
"I bet you are wondering what you are doing here?"
I nodded my head slowly as I approached the table and folded my legs, sitting down at the tea table with the old man.
"Simply put, you died. If you were to ask how then I would say you were asleep in bed with your head under the covers when you sneezed. This caused the sheets to tighten around your neck as your head lifted and dropped, banging the back of your head against the headboard. You of course woke up in alarm and attempted to sit up quickly, only to be strangled again by your sheets and pulled back down, smashing your head against that headboard for a second time. Unable to breathe and freaking out, you began to thrash about, banging the headboard against the wall repeatedly. This caused that very nice but also very sharp katana that you kept unsheathed and mounted on the wall above the headboard to slip a hook and fall into your chest, piercing through your chest. You died shortly after that."
The old man smiled at me as if this was pleasant news he was delivering. Then he looked down at his tea.
“Oh my! It seems the tea leaves have decided you will be falling to Kahleskar. Damned to be a wandering soul. Well, work hard, won’t you? Maybe you could become something useful before the fires of eternal death eat your soul. There's no coming back from that!”
The old man then stood up, turned his back on me and walked away, leaving me sitting there staring at his back in confusion.
“What the fuck is Kahleskar, who are you and where the fuck are my super-powerful magic and cheat skills?!” I yelled after him.
As he turned to look over his shoulder. I thought he had begun to fly up but he didn't look like he was moving... perhaps I was the one falling instead.
“First, Kahleskar is a planet of sword and magic. Secondly, a useless pathetic mortal like you, would dare to question me? A twelfth tier Divine God.”
he glared at me for a few seconds before adding “My name is Joshua, thank you for asking. Your soul is worthless anyway and not worth wasting my time on granting it anything. Now go and die."
He turned away from me and soon he had disappeared from my sight. The white room slowly started to darken from below heading up as it got darker and darker until the only thing that remained was darkness and I could see nothing else. Slowly moving my eyes back and forth I tried to find something, anything that would indicate what was going on. I found nothing but the dark black room I appeared to be in. I am sad and a little ashamed to admit that it took me a while to notice the blinking red dot at the edge of my vision.
I tried to look at it but it would always remain at the edge of my vision. After a few minutes of trying, I got annoyed and yelled. "Stop blinking, you asshole!"
The blinking red dot turned solid red after my outburst and was no longer blinking. Excited by this development I decided to see what else I could make it do.
"Animes and books have their characters yelling status and crap like that right?" I thought to myself before calling out "status".
I watched the solid red dot for a few seconds before I decided to try again.
"Show status" nothing happened.
I was starting to get frustrated by the stupid red dot "flash" I growled at it, having decided to see if I can make it blink again but it did nothing just sat there annoyingly.
In my impatience and anger, I screamed "fucking blink you asshole".
The fact it actually started blinking again took me by surprise. "You have to swear at it!" Ran through my mind, as I quickly realized this, I tried opening it with renewed determination.
"Fucking status" I shouted but nothing happened and I was back to my confusion "why isn't this piece of shit opening?" I moaned.
Then words appeared next to the blinking red dot "Do you wish to open your status page?" I stared at the words for half a second before I screamed "yes!"
Name: who cares!
Race: you are a soul
Gender: does a soul even have one?
Skills: Possession, Undying
"Well, you're a rude fucken status screen aren't you!" I vented as I mentally dismissed the status screen.
Surprisingly it responded to the mental command to be dismissed, but it also responded. "You were the one swearing at me first, asshole"
I stared at the letters dumbfoundedly. It took me a few more seconds to realise the black room was gone and I was standing inside a cave. I mentally dismissed the red flashing words as I started turning around in a small circle looking around the little cave room I was standing in, looking at the walls, the floor and glancing at the only exit. As I slowly made my way to it. The room was empty, easy enough to see the entire room and that there was nothing in it other than me. I walked out the only doorway in the small cave and started following the hallway away from it.
“Why am I in a cave? Is Kahleskar a giant network of caves and tunnels?” I couldn't help but ponder on these two questions as I walked towards a T junction.
As I reached it, I glanced right then left before turning to the left and following the new hallway. Walking seemed effortless like I could do it all day. I was wondering about my stamina when I heard a voice screaming up ahead. I quickened my pace, running down the hall until I ran into a room. Inside the room were twelve goblins fighting three humans. "I could be a human again." I squealed with glee in my head as I rushed over to a human at random and used the skill possession on them. Unable to possess a creature that already has a soul. Flashed across my vision.
"Fucken hell!" I screamed as I glared at the woman I had tried to possess.
I watched her using the bow in her hand to fire arrows at the goblins. The man out front was using his shield pretty effectively, keeping the goblins off of her and the other guy, who wore robes and held a staff. He was shooting fireballs out of the top of it at the goblins. They made an effective team against the goblins who slowly lost to the might of arrow and fire. The shield-wielding warrior walked over to the last goblin, still alive and laying on the ground, screaming in a language I couldn't understand. It clutched at the arrow in its leg. The warrior, upon reaching said goblin, sunk his sword into its chest and killed it. Before my eyes the twelve goblins vanished, replaced by a small pile of copper coins.
"The fuck!?" The warrior and I yelled in unison.
I stared at the small pile of coins, the warrior clearly as confused as I was. But the next words out of his mouth indicated I was wrong, and that he was not as confused as me.
"The fuck is this dungeon doing giving us only twelve copper coins for this room?"
The girl smiled as she went, scooped up the coins and put them in a pouch on her hip.
"Will you relax a bit Bruce this is only the first floor, it is to be expected, the better stuff is further down."
Bruce the warrior harrumphed but nodded his head and moved to lead the way into a doorway on the far side of the room.
"okay next up, more goblins!" He declared as they all moved through the doorway and down the hall.
Looking around the room at the makeshift huts, I moved to one peering inside to see a lone goblin asleep on a straw mattress. I snuck up behind him and used possession, just to see if I would get the same message. What I did not expect, however, was to feel myself shift and move into the back of the goblins head. The goblins' eyes shot open and sat up.
"Fuck" I groaned, my head was ringing as if a small bell was going off inside it.
Although my words came out of the goblin’s mouth. I decided not to think about this and got to my feet, looking around me as I stood. I found a sword on the ground next to the straw mat. I picked it up before walking out of the hut and following the adventurers down the hallway. After a few minutes of walking, I spotted them up ahead at the entrance to the next room, locked in combat with the next room's goblins. I hurried after them, and when I was a meter away, I slowed down and snuck the rest of the way towards that archer girl. I was about to shove my sword into her back when the mage guy yelled.
"Annabelle! look out behind you!" I hesitated, glancing at the mage for a second as my eyes shifted back to this Annabelle person.
I saw an arrow firing from her bow. It smacked me right between the eyes and I was thrown backwards by the force of the arrow entering my skull. The light faded out to darkness.
I was suddenly standing in that little cave again. Red words were flashing across my vision. You died, Sucker!
I stared at the flashing words for a few more seconds before mentally dismissing them. "I died" was all I could think of for a few minutes.
"Wait what do you mean I died?! I thought I had the undying skill!" No response.
I sighed as I sat down and tried to spot that flashing red dot again. It took me a minute to find it but once I did, I focused on it and called out. "Open"
Name: Still don’t care!
Race: Wandering soul
Gender: Go pick one, asshole
Skills: Possession, Undying
I re-read it three times, noting that the changes seemed to be: someone yelling at me, and only my race seriously trying to give me information on what I was. I was a wandering soul, that is what that "God" guy said I would be too. Mentally dismissing the words, I headed back out of my little cave room and followed the hallway. I found myself turning left at the T junction, and I soon arrived back in the first goblin room. I checked each hut as I walked past them towards the exit door on the far side. I was almost there when I heard a noise behind me, I turned around and saw goblins coming out of the huts and a couple coming out of huts I had checked.
"What the...?" I mumbled to myself as I walked back to the last hut I checked.
I looked in to see a goblin fast asleep on the straw mat. Moving past the hut, I watched the goblins move towards the big cauldron in the middle of a campfire. They lit the fire and began to cook as they talked to each other in a language I could not understand. As I watched the goblins, I started to notice their weapons were never more than a few feet away from them as they ate or collected food from the cook. Taking an interest in one specific goblin that kept glancing at its bow, I moved over to it.
"Possession" I mumbled before I was sucked into the back of the goblins head.
I was instantly assaulted by the horrifically horrible taste in my mouth. "Aah, I have been poisoned" I screeched in my head as I spat what I was in the middle of eating out of my mouth.
Scraping my tongue with my fingers and claws as I groaned. "What's the matter, you no like my cooking?" The goblin closest to the cauldron shrieked at me. I instantly looked up at him, able to understand what he had said.
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
"Needs salt" I replied weakly as I stared at him.
He glared at me then pointed at what I now realized was a large cooking pot "think you do better?"
I quickly shook my head and stood up but he continued "besides, where the hell would I get salt from?" Glancing around myself to see where the food stores were kept.
"I don't know but I will hunt meat for you, maybe bring some salt" I replied to him hoping it would calm him down and let me get away from him.
He made a harrumph noise before shooing me away "fine, bring me 5 pieces of meat and a sack of salt" he said as he turned back to the cooking pot.
"Quest accepted: bring 5 pieces of meat and one sack of salt to the goblin cook."
Flashed In front of my view. Quickly picking up my bow I stumbled away from the camp as I reread the flashing words "the hell? Is this some sort of game?" I asked the flashing words but it did not reply so I mentally dismissed them.
I walked a circle around the little village looking for anything to hunt when I found nothing. I decided I would need to explore elsewhere and headed back to the center of the village to ask someone where I could hunt in this place. I found the only place resembling a gathering area for these goblins was around the cooking fire. So that is where I sat down to observe the other goblins. A goblin sat down next to me a few minutes after I began. He had some food and was eating it when he looked at me.
"Why you no eat?" He asked me with a dopey look on his face.
I sighed as I shook my head. "Fuck off, Plick" I growled at him. He looked at me with a confused expression and asked.
"What's a plick?" I just stared at him for a minute before yelling.
"You are!" His face lit up with a big smile.
"I am Plick!" He exclaimed excitedly.
"Why are you so excited about that?" I asked him as I lent away from the crazy goblin.
"Because I have name now!" He yelled excitedly as he stared at me intently.
"What makes you think you have a name now?" I asked curiously.
"Because the flashing red words said I have been named" he responded as if it was obvious.
I couldn't help it. I just stared at him like he had two heads.
"What?" I croaked out in confusion.
He chuckled softly as he smiled happily "you have given me a name. The flashing red words have accepted the name. I am now called Plick" he replied while his eyes looked at me as if I was an idiot and should know this.
He suddenly nodded his head and tossed the scraps of food into the cooking fire.
"You have given me a name therefore I shall follow you" he said with conviction.
I turned to slide down the log away from this Plick. However, a new goblin had sat down on my right and was smiling at me.
"What do you want, you-" I closed my mouth suddenly with a clack of my teeth as I frowned.
I had almost insulted this goblin too and the last time I had done that the goblin had accepted it as his name.
"A name" the goblin replied with a cheeky grin as if he knew what I had almost done.
"Why should I name you? I didn't even mean to name him" I exclaimed.
"I am female" Plick declared. I snapped my neck around to stare at the goblin on my left as I heard the goblin on my right say. "I female too, if you wonderin"
I groaned as I placed a hand on my head starting to feel a headache coming "of course you are" I replied rolling my eyes as I spoke.
I sat there for a minute with the two goblin girls staring at me before I sighed.
"Fine, your name is Dani it is short for Danielle" I declared as I waved my hand dismissively.
I stood up and walked away from the two goblins. Only to walk behind a hut and notice they both were right behind me. I turned to look at them.
"Why are you following me?" I asked as I glanced at them suspiciously.
"Because you are leader now." they both said in unison.
"The hell are you two on about?" I asked with a look of confusion as I fully turned to face them.
"You gave us names, so we will follow you and do your bidding, that's how it works." Dani said while giving me a look that suggested she was starting to think I really was an idiot.
I stared at them as an idea started to form in my head "do you know where I can hunt some meat?" I asked them.
"Of course, the grasslands have rabbits, a fair amount of the hunters go there to hunt." Plick replied.
"Alternatively, you could steal it from other goblin villages, hunters, or the invaders." Dani added eagerly.
"The invaders?" I asked. I did have an idea of who they could be, but it was always best to confirm.
"You know, the big creatures with the shiny metal, sometimes not metal clothing. They are always travelling through here in groups. Killing everything they can find." Dani replied.
"Ah yes, the adventurers" I mumbled to myself before looking at Dani again. "They often have meat?" I paused thinking it over before I added "how often does a goblin manage to successfully steal from them anyway?"
I was curious to know how good of an idea this was.
"Almost never!" She replied quickly before adding "to do it a group of ten goblins will attack the invaders giving their lives to separate them from their holes made of cloth. So that a single surviving goblin can run back to the village with the treasure."
I stared at her feeling a little dumbfounded at how casually she had said this to me. Like it was normal for so many goblins to die for a single pouch or bag. I slowly shook my head.
"That is a dumb plan." I replied. Besides, I would much rather get strong enough to defeat the adventurers, then take what I wanted from their corpses. This seemed more rational and would have fewer casualties, which would definitely pay off in the long run. Plick shrugged before telling me.
"Many goblins do it in hopes they will be blessed by the first tier Divine God Arluck."
Dani quickly nodded her head in agreement. "Yeah, Arluck is the god of luck and chaos, there are lots of people that think he is evil, but also many that think he is just whimsical and aloof.”
I turned to look at Dani as I raised my eyebrow.
“Ya know, those that come down here talk of him as well” Plick muttered loud enough for us to hear.
“Oh yes, the funny looking not metal clothing invaders with the big metal smelling things around their necks often talk about the church's beliefs on Arluck and dungeon cores.” Dani added as she nodded her head.
“What is it they say?” I asked curiously as I looked between the two goblins.
“Arluck is so evil he will give his blessing to any monster lucky enough to kill any adventurer.” Plick said cheerily before Dani quickly added “And he gives his blessing to any dungeon core eager to sow chaos amongst the faithful”
Plick then laughed softly before continuing off what Dani had said “not that any dungeon creature ever has actually received the Great Arlucks’ blessing.”
Dani nodded her head before she added “Not a single one, but they go down into the dungeon killing us as they pass” then they both snickered and said in unison. “Well… They don't always come back up."
I looked at them, starting to get a bit curious and I slowly start to smile. “Let me guess, there are a lot of floors between here and the bottom, and a lot of creatures eager to see to any who wish to go that far downs demise.” I said with a smirk on my face, as I watched them both nod.
I thought about it before waving my hand dismissively. "Well, that's just stupid" I mumbled.
I shook my head "That would never work if Arluck is whimsical and aloof then getting his blessing would be…" I trailed off as I started to laugh loudly. "A stroke of serious luck" I finished after I managed to stop laughing.
Both goblins glanced at each other, exchanging a look before turning back to me and saying "Yes, it really would." I smiled, yet again, before mumbling to myself "Well, I thought it was funny" turning away from them.
I started heading slowly around the village as I thought about the other two options. Stopping outside a hut with three goblins laying around inside sleeping. I stood there watching them as I asked.
"Why would we attack the goblin hunters from other villages?" I turned away from the sleeping goblins to find that Dani and Plick were not behind me.
I looked around, not seeing them anywhere. "Where the hell did they go" I grumbled as I started walking back to where I had last seen them.
I was about halfway back when I glanced into the middle of the village to see both of them sitting on a log by the cooking fire, eating. I waved my hand dismissively as I grumbled "frickin goblins can't go five minutes without stuffing their faces."
I turned away and was about to do some exploring when I heard a goblin screaming "hobgoblins, hobgoblins are coming!!" As he ran into the middle of the village.
This set the village off like a powder keg. Goblins began to run in every direction as they screeched and screamed. Dani and Plick turned around until they spotted me and then ran directly to me.
"The hells going on?" I asked as they passed me. Grabbing at me they pulled me behind a hut.
"The hobgoblins come up from the second floor. Then go around to each goblin village on the first floor, once a month. They collect tribute from the goblin king of each village." Plick replied.
I turned to look at Plick with a bit of surprise on my face. "There is a goblin king in this village?" I asked with a hint of disbelief in my voice.
Dani nodded her head as she peeked out from behind the hut looking for the hobgoblins. "Yes Gobo was a goblin that evolved into a small goblin, then a goblin cook then finally into a small goblin king where he has been stuck ever since."
I looked at Dani as I whispered "cook? Do you mean the village cook is our goblin king?"
Dani nodded her head as she pointed to the cooking fire. I leant out and saw three hobgoblins standing Infront of Gobo gesturing angrily. I looked at Plick and Dani's weapons, noting they were bows.
"Well, then shall we use our bows to kill these fools then?" I asked with a grin on my face.
I had taken a liking to the lead hobgoblins pants and wanted them for myself. They both shook their heads quickly.
"No way! Facing a hobgoblin is equal to facing 30 goblins. They are tricky and can use magic!" Plick whined at me.
I looked back at gobo and the hobgoblins to see gobo handing them a sack that was then tied to the lead hobgoblins belt. Once the sack was secure the hobgoblin in charge turned and left followed by his two guards.
"Not that it matters now, they are leaving." I said as I watched them walk towards a tunnel about seven meters to the left of the tunnel, I had seen the humans go down when they left this village.
I turned and followed the hobgoblins, keeping the huts between me and them as I moved, staying at a reasonable distance to keep from alerting them. I watched the three hobgoblins disappear down the tunnel. Sitting down as they left, I found myself smiling, my mouth showing off my jagged yellow teeth. I turned to look at Dani and Plick.
"I am going to follow in their wake and plunder the villages they're collecting tribute from, you want in?" I said happily.
I saw the nervous look they gave each other before looking at me and nodding "we have pledged to follow you until eternal death takes us from your side." Dani told me.
This statement made me smile again. I got to my feet and began to wander in the direction of the tunnel. As I passed the last hut before the tunnel, I caught movement out the corner of my eye. Turning my head slightly I saw Dani and Plick snatching some arrows out of a few quivers as they passed them adding those arrows to their own quivers. I snickered to myself as I turned and walked directly to the left side of the tunnel. Peeking down the tunnel I saw the hobgoblins about halfway down still walking at a steady pace. I watched for a minute as a thought occurred to me. I turned to look in the direction of the tunnel on the other side of this large cave-like room.
"I wonder… maybe I could build that in a convenient place for..." I murmured to myself.
Trailing off as I turned back, I saw the tunnel was now empty. I turned into the tunnel and walked until I reached a Y junction. As I stopped in the middle of this junction, I ran my hand over the meter wide wall separating the two tunnels leading off the one I had come from.
"Not a bad spot." I whispered as I scratched the dirt wall.
I sank my claws into the dirt slowly carving out an arched door frame. Piling the dirt up by the side of the tunnel. Once the arched door frame was carved out, I placed my hand against the dirt wall inside the door. As I nodded my head "not yet" I whispered to the dirt. Then turned and walked down the right tunnel.
After a while of walking, I came to a large cavern room with stalagmites hanging from the ceiling. Stopping in my tracks I stared at the scene before me. Goblins lay on the ground with wounds and scorch marks all over their bodies. This path of death led to the middle of the village where I found the three hobgoblins standing over a large fat goblin. Who was laying on the ground with wounds and two small scorch marks of his own.
"Why are so many dead?" I whispered to Dani.
"They must have tried resisting, this happens when a newly evolved arrogant king appears in a village." she whispered back.
I nodded my head as I looked around at the huts coming to a decision. I quickly motioned for my two goblins to spread out and plunder what they could.
"Try to quickly get the salt and meat before those three start plundering, if you can." I whispered to them.
I turned back to watch the scene in the middle of this village. While I snuck forwards to hide behind the nearest hut. The lead hobgoblin suddenly roared out angrily before he shouted.
"Tuska bosishk!" Fire leapt from his palm into his hand as it formed a ball of fire the hobgoblin shoved the fireball into the goblin king's mouth. Clamping his hand down on the goblin king's mouth and face.
The other two hobgoblins jumped on the goblin king, holding him down as he began to thrash in his attempt to escape. I watched on in fascination as the goblin king slowed until finally stopping. The hobgoblin leader lifted his hand and smiled. As I watched smoke from the fire that had burned the inside of the goblin king's mouth rising up.
"Idiot if you rebel then only eternal death awaits you." The hobgoblin leader said.
He turned to look at his two guards who had looks of confusion on their faces. The leader sighed as he glared at them.
"Oh, come on, even you two should know that if a dungeon monster from your own dungeon kills you then you die forever, only a death by a creature from outside the dungeon will allow you to come back."
He then turned and walked a few steps toward me before stopping and yelling "the three of you can come out now or I will think you are planning some kind of ambush and kill you like the rest!"
Instantly Plick appeared from behind a hut on the left and Dani appeared from behind a hut on the right. I stood there feeling trepidation crawling up my spine before I finally stepped out.
"Why are you three hiding instead of dead with the rest" the hobgoblin leader asked.
"We want to trade" I replied quickly.
"To trade" he repeated. I nodded my head. " What do you want and what can you, a goblin, offer?" He asked.
"I want meat and bags of salt. As for what I can offer, well, I can build a shrine or maybe a dwelling from a dungeon wall." I said as I looked him in the eyes.
He broke out in hysterical laughter, looking at me as he gripped his belly "you? Build a dwelling?" He laughed harder until finally, he came to an amused expression. Shaking his head, he said to me "little goblin, if you can build a dwelling, I'll accept you into my tribe. Even though you’re a dumb piece of shit goblin."
I grinned at him as I held out my hand "meat and salt first." His laughter started back up briefly, then turned to a snarl as he shook his head, yet again.
"You are a foolish goblin, aren't you?" he sighed before continuing. "Look, there's plenty of meat laying around this village but salt can't be found above the tenth floor and I'm not going down there." He stated as he turned to wave his hand at a dungeon wall
"build there and prove to me what you say you can do. I'll be back to see how you are doing once I have collected the rest of the tributes." He said as he began walking to the tunnel on the left side of the room.
"I would like to build it next to the staircase down to the second floor" I declared.
He glared at me as he growled softly before pointing at the tunnel on the right side of the room "down that tunnel take a left at the junction then the third right, go through the goblin village and into the boss room door, go past Gibby the floor boss and you will find the staircase in the room after Gibby"
I nodded then waved my hand as I walked in the direction of the indicated tunnel. Dani ran straight to me. Plick gave the hobgoblins a wide berth as he ran around to catch up with me, he managed to catch up to us as we entered the tunnel. I turned back to look at the village when I heard one of the guards' voices.
"Ribuel, are you sure we should let them go? I mean, were we not meant to kill all goblins of a resistant village?" One of the bodyguards asked the leader.
"Yes, but imagine the boon to our village if we bring in a builder, and if he can't then we can kill them anyway." Ribuel answered.
I turned and took a few steps down the tunnel before I stumbled forwards as the edges of my vision started going black "what the hell?" I mumbled. The ground came rushing up at me.
You might have unlimited stamina but your body does not, nighty night idjit!