“No, he isn’t,” I admit, wincing at being reminded of how long I carried a torch for the older photographer.

“Look, proactively pursuing the men they’re interested in totally works for some women. I’m not judging at all,” Vivienne tells me, “But those women know how to pick men who want a woman who’s the one in charge. I don’t think that’s you. I think you want more give and take.”

As she says this, something clicks for me like never before.

“I do. I hear you,” I say, realizing that slyly pursuing Ian by trying to earn my way didn’t work with Ian. He never saw me as more than a work protege, a hiking partner, and occasionally a f***k buddy.

That approach didn’t work with Matt, the bike advocate in the long run either. He credited me with helping his org double their fundraising efforts. We dated for almost a year before I came up here, but he quickly got back together with his college girlfriend a couple of months after I’d been gone (and we were supposedly having a long-distance relationship). They’re now married and have a daughter.

“I’m never the one for the ones I want, at least not for long,” I admit, “I guess it really is time for a new strategy.”

“That’s the spirit,” Vivienne encourages. “Let’s look a little deeper. Let’s be curious. Why do you feel you need to earn your way into a relationship with men you’re interested in?”

It’s as if she’s used some kind of magic voice on me. No wonder she has so many coaching clients. I feel compelled to answer.

“To show I have value,” I say quietly.

“Why is that necessary, sweetheart?”

“I feel like I’m drawn to men who are out of my league,” I say even more quietly, “I don’t turn heads or anything unless I’m on a dance floor…”

“Shelby, let's get clear on something,” Vivienne says in her kindest voice. “For all intents and purposes, you were raised in Hollywood and by fame-focused parents. Much Santa Monica is Hollywood, certainly our industry. It has a very warped, narrow ideal of female attractiveness that’s almost impossible for anyone to live up to. You know this, right?”

“Yes, of course,” I say, wincing at her spot-on assessment of my parents, most especially my mother.

“No one should need to earn their way into anyone’s affection in any place in the world. You’re a smart, kind, absolutely adorable woman,” Vivienne tells me, “with legs to kill for you’ve been completely hiding.”

I feel tears pricking at the corner of my eyes and blink them away quickly, “Thanks.” I say, trying to sound like I believe her.

“Let’s go a little deeper if you’re game. How does this earning your way play out for you in bed with a lover?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you a sexual performer trying to earn affection, or are you able to ask for what you like and need in bed and expect you’ll be heard?”

Oh boy.

“Well…it can be a challenge,” I say deciding to be really honest. I take a deep breath and go on, “The thing is, I don’t really enjoy intercourse. I never orgasm during it, so I feel like I need to make up for it…” I stumble, feeling both lame and unburdened.

“Shelby, my sweet, are you hearing yourself? You need to make up for the fact that you don’t enjoy intercourse?" Vivienne asks, “Most women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone. Most need to figure out what kind of additional stimulation from hands or toys and positions they need in order to allow it to happen.”

“I’ve read that,” I admit, “But then you read books and watch movies and it seems so easy. Plus, the guys I’ve slept with haven’t seemed particularly open to the idea of hearing from me about what I think I might need. They act like I’m insulting them or something.”

“That’s because you earned your way in, darling.” She tells me soothingly, “You didn’t allow yourself to be special enough to them just as yourself. And frankly, most men today watch way too much porn,” she says this last bit with some asperity, “Which isn’t real sex at all. It’s just acting mixed with penetration and blow jobs, with very little actual enjoyment for women unless it’s girl-on-girl stuff,” she says this as if she’s said it many times before, “I’m not anti-porn. I just think we as a society need to get smarter about it.”

“You really do need to be on TV, or maybe you need to create your own show on YouTube,” I say, impressed, “more people need to learn this!”

“Now there’s an idea, and with Marilyn’s help, I really think it’s possible,” Vivienne laughs her marvelous rich laugh, “So, Shelby, while I’m pulling together this eBook, I want you to start figuring out what it would take for you to have an orgasm with a partner. I think if you imagine it’s Rune who’s helping you with this adventure, it’ll be easier to do.”

“Okay,” I agree, daunted and embarrassed but also inspired.

“Excellent! Always put on your own oxygen mask first, girlfriend! Do that Sexpectations homework, create a gorgeous eBook cover, and lust after Rune in your imagination only to create some sexy solutions. In the real world, just be his friend. If he’s interested, he’ll come after you.”

I hang up and stare out the office window at the alluring green outside. Put your own oxygen mask on first. I’ve heard the term, of course; who hasn’t? But I’ve never actually thought about what it means before.

You have to choose yourself before anyone else will, darling, Theo says.

Huh.

Like when I decided to stay here and focus on becoming an illustrator rather than move back to Santa Monica after you passed? I ask.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Yes! Theo says enthusiastically.

Buoyed by his response, I pull out my pretty Bucket List journal and open Vivienne’s website on my desktop monitor. The opening lines of Vivienne’s Sexpectations blog reads:

The purpose of this exercise is to imagine forward, to write as if this fabulous new, deliciously enjoyable sex life is already unfolding for you right now.

There’s a caveat, however. To bring these things that you write down into your life, you need to move beyond simply scribbling affirmations. You need to get yourself to a place where you believe you’re worth these lovely things happening for you. This is how you start to break old, unwanted patterns.

It’s not the words that matter but the intention and the belief. It’s not the words that matter but the feeling, the signal, the vibration you’re sending out to the universe.

Think of yourself as a radio dial that needs to learn to be finely tuned. Answer big, but start small. For each response, what’s the tiniest baby step you can take to truly believe in this new reality?

Whoa. I read this before, but it’s landing in a completely new place now.

Have I fallen in love with different men but sent out the same vibration? I ask mentally.

Yes, Theo says a little sadly.

“Okay, hard to hear,” I say out loud, which makes Butterscotch come running in from the other room. I give her a pat on the head and tell her I’ll take her outside in a little bit. She tilts her head at me and woofs.

Now that Vivienne’s advice makes sense in a whole new way, I can choose to do things differently, right?

Clever girl, Theo encourages.

Vivienne’s first homework prompt reads: What’s one thing your lover does that helps you stay much more present during sex?

Oh boy. This is something I really have a hard time with. I’ve realized through listening to Vivienne and reading her blogs that I don’t do a good job of staying in my body during sex.

My experience is that the more men are turned on, the quieter they get, and the quieter they get, the more caught in my head I become. I find myself slipping out of my body and much of the mood when I start to feel like it’s just the sensations of sex they’re after, not me.

An idea occurs to me. I write quickly before I lose my nerve: My partner is magic at using seductive language to help me stay present during sex. He knows precisely the heat level to turn me on, but not so X-rated I’m scorched.

I’m proud of myself for this response. I have no idea how I’ll ever have the nerve to ask a man for this type of verbal foreplay, but hey, baby steps, or maybe Vivienne would say baby vibrations?

My phone beeps with a text. It’s the man I’m supposed to use to model a new love life around. Eeek.

Rune: I’ve connected with some people interested in Theo’s clothes.

Me: Great! What do I need to do?

Rune: We need to take some really good photos. Ever check out Pinterest for inspiration?

Me: I live on Pinterest.

Rune: Excellent. Free after four? We’ll need a few hours. I’d like to send out a set of images tomorrow.