[ME]

I woke up from a terrible dream. My ex had gotten in contact with my parents, and they’d disowned me for becoming a man slut in college.

It was especially heartbreaking when my dad gave her my entire trust fund.

I looked at my palms. They were covered in sweat.

Wait.

My fingers were pudgier than I remembered. At least the callouses I’d earned from football were still there. Had I eaten too much pizza before passing out?

That’s when it hit me.

I was in a barn. The place reeked of animal turd.

I got up from the haystack I had been sleeping on.

I felt a lot shorter than I remembered. I was 6’3 morning height. And yet the wooden support beams of that stupid barn looked so high up.

How did I get here? Last I remember, Allen, Trey and I were downing beers and pizza. So how… wait. Allen said his girl’s family lives on a farm. Did I agree to come here when we were drunk?

That must’ve been it. I drunkenly agreed to go out of state for the weekend with my roommate to see his girl. Why couldn’t I remember a damn thing?

The smell of feces wasn’t helping so I decided to venture outside. I heard the sound of crates being loaded onto a wooden surface. I pushed the barn door.

“There you are, Alster!” someone said. “Come help us load the cart.”

“Alster? Uh, you got me confused for someone else buddy. Have you seen Allen around?”

A man, dressed in a tight vest made of animal hide and matching pants looked at me like I’d hit my head. “Alster, you’ve been missing all night. I’m glad you turned up okay, but this is no time for games. We need to get this stuff loaded and shipped to the margrave’s estate soon. You know it’s tax season.”

As the man continued moving crates, I felt a sinking fear settle in. I ran to find a mirror. That man had to be out of his mind to mistake me for someone else in broad daylight, right? Or did my face get bruised up somehow?

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

As I ran, I hopped over ditches and overgrown roots of trees.

I know farms can get big, but this is just ridiculous.

This was more than a farm. It was like a village. Wooden huts, cabins, and other simple constructions were around every corner. Trails leading to nearby forests paved in dirt and stone for the main road gave me a clearer sense of direction. I needed to find Allen. I passed by a bunch of people. All of them were dressed like they were Amish.

Do people even wear that kind of stuff anymore?

I saw some kids playing on the lawns of some shoddy cabins. The toys looked so unsophisticated. They were like wooden dolls without any paint. My ten-year-old brother could make something better than that if we went shopping for some craft supplies.

I had to stop because I passed by a knockout, and I was still single and looking. I needed something to get my mind off everything and there she was. A true 10/10. Her eyes were like emeralds and her blonde hair looked like it’d been brushed for a runway. I didn’t care how weirdly she was dressed, as I was planning on ripping off that blouse. I slowed down my pace, as she turned to catch my gaze. Allen could wait. This couldn’t.

I got closer to her and realized she was about my height.

Weird. She seemed shorter from further away.

Were all girls on this farm 6’3?

I brought my facial muscles into the cool smirk I’d trademarked during high school. It was back then that I realized the power a well-defined, muscly body paired with a handsome boyish face had over women.

When our eyes met, I expected one of two reactions. Her eyes would turn away quickly, while she tried to fix her hair. Or, she’d smirk back. Option two was preferred. Those types were usually freaks.

But to my dismay, she did neither of those. Instead, her face filled with disgust and she started walking away, as if I was some kind of nuisance.

What…? Maybe she doesn’t like city boys?

Or there was something on my face from sleeping in that barn all night. A piece of turd could’ve lodged on my cheek without me knowing. I needed to find a mirror quick.

I ran past all the houses, through a thicket of trees, and on the other side there was a lake. Sure enough, past that lake, there was a farm. A big homestead spanning further than my eyes could see, just like Allen had promised. Maybe his girlfriend’s house was on that side.

I dunked my head into the water, wanting to get the piece of turd off me.

Even though the lake water wasn’t perfectly still, I could still tell something had happened to my entire face.

I screamed. Possibly louder than I ever have in my entire life.

My chiseled jawline I had mewed for 2 years to get was gone, an unhealthy padding of fat in its place. My hair was a mess, shooting out in all directions in the world’s worst case of bedhead. My eyes had gone from blue to brown. I still kind of looked like me, but I’d had a serious glow down, going from a heartthrob to average bloke overnight.

I lost it.

“What the fuck happened to my face?!”

I punched the water until my knuckles ached and reddened, as if hitting it would change the reflection. It just came coming back as this guy I didn’t recognize.

I wanted to kill Allen. I didn’t know what had happened, but he’d done something to me. Before I knew it, I’d jumped into the water, swimming furiously across the hundred-foot wide lake to get to the homestead.

Just wait, you whiny, pig-faced turdsack. When I’m done, you’ll wish you’d left me in Syracuse.