“‘Hello brother’?” Fal echoes me. “Is that all you have to say?”
“Until you calm down enough to talk like a sensible person, yes.” I reply matter-of-factly. He gives me a little shake.
“How can you give me a promise and then go and break it the next chance you get?” He growls at me, and I feel every ounce of his anguish and anger.
“I didn’t break it.” I tell him, pushing him gently away from me. “If anything, it was you who broke it. It was incredibly reckless of you to come here like you did, and then fight in a battle that was no concern of yours.”
“I knew what I was doing.” He mutters, looking away. His hands loosen on my shoulders.
“So did I.” I say gently. “I was in no way reckless, Fal. I took no greater risks than would be on any of the mission you gave me.”
He mutters something unintelligible, but I can feel that he’s calming down and beginning to see reason. Then he looks up and meets my gaze.
“That battle was a concern of mine, Blackbird.” He tells me fiercely. “You were in it. There were people trying to kill you. Do not tell me that I had no part in it. There is no way I’m going to leave my little sister alone in a situation like that. You always seem to get into trouble when I’m not around.”
I grin at him, savoring the familiar sight of his grey-green eyes. I don’t get to see those eyes often enough anymore. “Likewise.”
He finally smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He releases my shoulders and crushes me in an embrace instead.
“Oh, Fal.” I whisper, hugging him tightly. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you too, Blackbird.” He says hoarsely. A strong pang of longing strikes me, and I can’t tell if it’s coming from me or him. Likely both of us. We are the one constant in each other’s lives, and, in these times, we need that constant. We need each other.
“Come home.” His voice is muffled against my neck.
“Fal…”
“I release you from this mission. It’s done. It’s over. I don’t care anymore. Let Daniel do what he wishes. Come home.” He says. I stiffen momentarily, then relax. I want this, to go home with him and be free of most worries for a little while. I also want…
At the same time that one burden is lifted from me, another takes its place.
Daniel.
“Ava?” Fal says.
“I’ll come home, Fal. Just let me go and say goodbye.”
“To them?” He queries, looking into my eyes. I laugh.
“Yes, to them. I can’t just waltz off with nary an explanation, Falkirk. That’ll cause more problems than it’ll solve.”
“Fine.” He grumbles. I reach up and tousle his hair.
“I’ll be home in a few hours.” I say lightly.
“I’ll expect a full report.” My brother replies, pressing a kiss to my brow. He steps backward. Gives me one more smile, a smile that I return with all the force of the love I have for him.
“I love you, Blackbird.” He says.
“I love you.” I reply as he fades through the mists of the dimensions.
I walk back to the safe house in the pale rose light of the predawn. My steps are slow, my thoughts heavy and ponderous. I don’t want to leave Daniel and the others. I count them as friends now. At least, as much friends as one can be when the friendship is built on lies.
And I’m falling in love with a man I can never have. Who will never love me in return. Oh, the heartache. Maybe it’s for the best that I go home for a while. Get away from all this. Take some time to think.
“Is everything alright?” Daniel asks when I walk in the door.
“Oh. Yes.” I reply absentmindedly. His hand lands on my arm.
“You’re sure?” He says. I look up at him and smile, taking in his still-damp-from-washing hair, the caring in his sea-blue eyes, the fresh, clean clothing that hides skin that should be marked with horrific scars but isn’t.
“I’m sure.” I answer him. “But I’m going to have to leave you.”
“Again?” He asks sadly. Behind him, Antony and Eliana both mirror his expression, listening to our conversation.
“Again.” I confirm. “My brother wants me back home, and, truth be told, I’m feeling a need to be there with him.”
“But what about—“
“Oh, don’t worry.” I interrupt him. “I’ll meet you in Tyrhyld. You know I have my ways to get around. I could be there before you, if I wanted. I just need a few days, Daniel. That’s all. You can give me that. It’s still days to Tyrhyld anyway.”
“Well… Alright.” He concedes. “As long as you’ll be there. We need you, Ava.”
“I’ll be there.” I promise.
I don’t know if I will. This might be one promise I have to break. It might be better for all of us if I did.
But Daniel seems to believe my words. I’m never sure just how much he sees with that Sight of his.
“I need to sleep for a few hours, and then I’m going.” I announce.
“Ava… Why?” Eliana asks, stepping around Daniel to clasp my hand. I give her a reassuring smile.
“It’s just for a few days, Eliana. My brother needs me, and I have some things I need to think about.”
Her expression turns hopeful. “I’ll be praying, then.”
I chuckle, gently disengaging my hand from hers. “Thank you.”
I stride to my bed, shedding my jerkin, boots, and weapons, ignoring the blood still splattered on my clothes and skin, ignoring the looks I’m being given by Antony and Raeldon. The straw mattress has never felt so comfortable, a pillow so welcoming, and I’m asleep in seconds. The last thing I hear as I drift off are the low tones of Daniel’s and Antony’s conversation.
It’s afternoon when I wake. The golden sunlight streams through the windows and warms the floor. Dust motes hang in the air. It’s still and cozy in the safe house, and for a moment, I don’t want to move, don’t want to leave. But I rise from the bed and tug clean clothes from my jerkin’s pocket-of-holding. Eliana and Antony watch me from their places at the table. I give them a nod as I pad softly into the washroom and shut the door firmly behind me.
I try not to think or feel as I clean up and dress. Try to close my emotions off from Fal. It seems to work; he doesn’t react. It also helps that he’s asleep.
I don’t want to leave.
I need to leave.
I love Daniel.
Fal is all I have left.
Daniel and Fal are sworn enemies.
I sigh, feeling an unfamiliar lump in my throat. This is all so tangled. I cannot have both my brother and my love.
It has to be one or the other.
One loves me now, while the other…
In one direction lies hope— however faint, while in the other… lies only more blood and death.
I cannot choose.
The noise of the water splashing in the washbasin comforts me somewhat, somehow. I scrub dried blood and bits of gore from my skin and my hair, then slip into a clean tunic and leggings. Take some deep breaths, feeling uncharacteristically saddened and reluctant.
I slowly gather my wet hair in one long plait down my back, then grasp my filthy clothing in one hand and balance the full washbasin in the crook of my other arm. Finagle the washroom door open by firmly nudging it with my knee. I walk out into the main room, and Eliana and Antony once again pause their conversation to look at me. I drop my clothing on the floor and stride out the front door to toss the wastewater in the street.
“Where are Daniel and Raeldon?” I ask the silent couple, placing the washbasin back where it belongs and stuffing my filthy clothing into my jerkin’s bottomless pocket.
“They’re out.” Antony says emotionlessly.
“Daniel is organizing Azaes’s soldiers’ trials.” Eliana informs me. I nod in acknowledgement.
Ah. Well.
I had hoped to say goodbye to the fool paladin. But I’m not waiting for him to return, nor am I going to seek him out.
Perhaps this way is better. Goodbyes are too painful anyway.
“Tell them I said goodbye.” I say as I slip into my jerkin and do up the clasps. I grab up my knapsack and weapons, then dig in my pocket for my slate marble.
“Do you have to go?” Eliana pleads.
“Thee need not leave,” Antony says kindly. “Thee art one of us now.”
I swallow against a sudden lump in my throat. Smile, with reassurance I do not feel.
“I’ll be back.” I tell them.
Goodbye forever, something in me whispers.
“I still have a promise to keep.” Antony says. I think back to his promise to teach me knots.
“Ah, yes.” I smile. “I’ll remember.” I gaze fondly at the elf and Eliana. “I hope you two are happy. Goodbye.”
With that, before I can become too weepy, before Daniel can walk in the door and make this all harder, I tap into my marble’s magic and whisper “Home,” under my breath.
Eliana says something else, but I cannot hear her through the mists that rise and obscure all in the white nothingness of between dimensions.
I reappear in my brother’s dark bedroom. He’s snoring lightly in his bed, his features calm and boyish in the peace of slumber. His window is curtained, and I step softly over to twitch the soft cloth aside. Peek at the nighttime world beyond. By the position of the moon, it’s about three in the morning over here. My poor brother must have gotten tired of waiting for me and slept while he could.
The bedsheets rustle behind me, then I hear the sound of bare feet on a partially-carpeted floor. My brother wraps his arm around my shoulders and pushes the curtain all the way aside.
This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.
“Hello, Blackbird.” He rumbles fondly, his voice thick with sleep.
“Good morning, Fal.” I reply, hugging him tightly with my free arm.
“Is it?” He queries. Peers out at the moon. “I suppose it is.” He looks down at me. “Still tired?”
“Yes.” I answer, not bothering to hide a yawn.
“Sleep, then.” He says, taking my knapsack from my hand and sets it on the floor. Undoes the clasps of my jerkin and slips it off my shoulders. He pushes me towards his bed.
“I have things to get started for the day, anyway.” He says. “Rest. I won’t be far away.”
I don’t resist him, instead plopping down on the bed and kicking off my boots. Sleep is the best thing for me, at the moment. I’m a bit deprived of it. I have emotions that I don’t want to think about right now, things I want to forget.
I’m not so desperate that I’ll seek out something alcoholic, but I won’t pass up a chance to sink into the realms of slumber and revel in the oblivion that gives me.
Fal slides the quilt over me, and I shut my eyes tightly.
No thinking.
No feeling.
The bed dips slightly beneath my brother’s weight as he sits beside me. Softly, he begins to sing— a lullaby that our mother would sing.
I swallow hard again, and a tear escapes from my closed eyes to slide down my temple into my hair.
No feeling.
“Sleep, Blackbird.” Fal says. He presses a kiss to my forehead, and stands. I hear him walk away, and a second later, his bedroom door opens and shuts.
I turn onto my side, and concentrate on taking slow, deep, even breaths.
No feeling.
And then I’m asleep again.
The sun streams through the window in late-morning warmth when I wake again, groggy. My mouth is dry, my clothing wrinkled, and my hair straggling out of it’s braid. But at least the sun isn’t in my face. I roll over and doze for a few more minutes before I decide that I really need to get out of bed.
My bare feet hit the floor, and I stumble over to my brother’s closet. Through the twin bond I feel Fal’s pleasure that I’m awake. There’s a bath-basin full of water waiting for me in the closet and, a quick pulse of manna from Fal later, it’s steaming with inviting heat. I strip and lower myself into the hot water, hissing at the touch of it on my skin, gradually relaxing as I grow used to it.
A proper bath is just what I’m needing. I take my time, washing thoroughly— with soap! I ignore the phantom blood on my hands. Don’t even bother trying to wash it off. I know I never could.
I finally climb from the bath, towel myself dry and wring out my hair. I choose a fine, silken, navy blue dress from the clothing I have stored in the back of my brother’s closet in the event of emergencies. Pull it on and do up the stays in the back as best as I can. Tug on my elegant slippers.
Fal walks through his bedroom door at the same time as I step out into the main room. He gives me a soft smile.
“You look lovely, Blackbird.” He compliments me.
“Thank you, brother.” I reply tiredly. His look changes to concern.
“Are you alright?” He asks. Mute, I shake my head. He steps toward me and wraps me in his strong embrace. I lean into him, resisting the urge to cry. I’m tired. Tired of suppressing these emotions. Tired of hiding them from Fal. Tired of the whole charade, the lies, the blood, the death.
The battered door in my mind, the one that Daniel opens, the one that I try to keep locked, it shudders under an impact from behind it. Bends. Distant screams reach my ears from within my mind, and I squeeze my eyes shut. Try to shut them out, try not to hear.
Not that it works.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Fal asks, rubbing my back gently. I feel his concern and his love, and my hold on the shroud over my emotions slips. I know it the instant he comprehends the pain that I’m feeling, the little that leaked through our bond. His hold on me tightens, but he says nothing, only sends me reassurance and soothing waves of calm. After a minute he releases me, gently turns me around, and tightens the stays up my back. He conjures up a few silvery-blue hair pins and gathers my hair up to hang elegantly down my back.
As he works, he speaks softly, telling me what’s been going on in my absence.
Apparently, someone has been leaking information to the High Clans, and my brother has lost three deployments of troops so far. Dead or imprisoned, the lot of them. The informant is someone inside my brother’s stronghold itself, but he doesn’t know quite yet who it is. He has spies working to ferret them out though. He isn’t going to send me after them however. Apparently, it is high time I took a break and rested for a while. Breakfast is waiting for us downstairs, even though it’s almost the noon hour. He’s been busy for hours; he’ll join me for a bite to eat. He’s sent out more soldiers to replace the ones he’s lost, the result of that being that there aren’t as many around the palace right now. Some towns have been burned in his conquest. Very little loss of life, however.
He teases the last hair pin into place.
“There.” Fal says finally. “All set.”
“Thanks, Fal.” I reply numbly. I grab my baldric and slip it over my head. It settles on my shoulder, reaching cross-body to my hip, a familiar weight with the hilt of my mage blade peeking over my shoulder.
Precautions never hurt. Not even in my brother’s palace.
“Come on, Blackbird.” Fal says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. He squeezes me comfortingly, and I lean into him. He leads me out of his rooms, down the corridors and stairs, and into the main dining hall. Various courtiers and higher-ranking officers are already assembled here, conversing, laughing, partaking of the late-morning meal. They all fall silent as we enter. The scrape of chairs on stone echoes through out that hall as they stand as one and bow or curtsy politely to us. Fal acknowledges them with a brief nod, and leads me up the length of the room to take a seat that the head of the high table. He ushers me into the seat next to his, directly to his right. Pushes in my chair for me, and then sits down in his own.
A general cacophony sounds throughout the hall as everyone resumes their own seats. The clinking and clatter of metal utensils upon glassware and the loud buzz of conversation permeate the room. I pick at my food, ignoring the concerned looks Fal is giving me. Finally he moves to lay the bared inside of his wrist against my forehead.
“I’m not sick, Fal.” I hiss, leaning away. “Just… tired. I don’t have a fever or anything. Leave off.”
He lowers his hand back to the table. “Then what is the matter? This is unlike you. Please, tell me.” He insists. I sigh.
I can’t tell you.
“I’m just in need of rest, that’s all.” The lie feels sour in my mouth, and I know Fal isn’t fooled. He gives me a look of sadness and deep concern.
“Blackbird—“ He begins to speak, but just then one of my brother’s soldiers slips through the door behind us and hurries to Fal’s side. He leans close and whispers something into my brother’s ear. I can’t hear the man’s words, but I can feel their effect.
Triumph and irritation streak through the twin bond from Fal’s end, and he whispers something back to the soldier. The man salutes, bows, and exits as swiftly as he had come in.
“Fal?” I ask. “What was that all about?”
He gives me a small smirk, and I can still feel his triumph swirling through the bond. “They found that spy.” He says, just as the big doors at the other end of the dining hall open and a squad of guards marches in, a prisoner in their center.
Fal stands and strides down the the hall, stopping in the center. I follow immediately behind him, and the guards march up to us. They cast their captive at my brother’s feet. My eyes widen and my breath stills.
She’s just a woman, younger than me, almost little more than a girl. Her plain dress is tattered. Blood drips from a slash on her shoulder and trickles from a wound at her hairline. She sobs breathlessly as she cowers on her hands and knees before my brother, but the looks she’s casting up at him are nothing if not defiant.
“Ah.” Fal says, looking down at her, chillingly impassive. “You.” He crouches next to her. “Why, Callis? Whatever possessed you to do this?”
I cast a quick glance around the room. Everyone is silent, still, watching intently. Everyone here knows the outcome of this confrontation.
“You had my family murdered.” Callis spits up at Fal.
What?
“Callis, you misunderstand.” Fal murmurs calmly. “They opposed me, and were killed in the line of duty. Yet I took you in, provided for you, gave you work as an aide in my council. And this is how you repay my kindness? I’m hurt, Callis.”
“I wish you were dead!” She shoots back. Fal stands.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” He replies calmly. “Unfortunately for you, you won’t be living to see my demise, if such a thing ever finds me.” He looks at me, and I feel his intention even before he gestures to Callis.
“Avalon, if you would?”
My face stone, I step up beside Fal and draw my mage blade. I stare down at Callis, and she stares back at me. For all the lack of expression on my face, my emotions sure are a seething storm inside of me. I watch the tears stream down Callis’ face, I watch her shudder and tremble as she sobs. I lower my blade to her throat. And…
I see my parents hanging from the village walls as flames lick at the dark sky behind
I see Eliana's stricken face as she sees the aftermath of the men that I've slaughtered
I see Daniel's face soften as he gazes at me
I hear Eliana's soft voice: "I'll be praying, then."
I hear Callis's bitter tones: "You had my family murdered."
I feel Daniel's strong embrace, hear his gentle declaration: "I forgive you, Ava."
I look down at my sword hand and see the blood coating my skin, dripping to the floor, oozing over my fingers to trickle down my mage blade.
And I can't make the kill.
“Ava?” Falkirk queries, looking at me with puzzlement and concern.
“I can’t.” I whisper, withdrawing my blade from Callis’s throat. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.
Callis looks up at me in astonishment. Fal gives a nod, as if he had expected this. His emotions are hard and unreadable as he takes the mage blade from my hand and slits Callis’s throat.
Callis gives a gurgling sigh as she collapses. Her eyes stare up at me, unseeing, accusing. One more face in my mind. One more voice behind the door. Her blood pools out from her, reaching toward the toes of my slippers. I stare down at the spreading crimson. Watch wide-eyed as it touches the tips of my toes.
I cannot take it anymore.
I spin on my heel and flee from the dining hall, avoiding Fal’s grasping hand and ignoring the gasps and murmurs from the courtiers and officers. I run, and don’t stop. I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t care. I flee from the faces of my dead, from the voices that haunt me that I cannot escape no matter where I go.
I reach a door and push blindly at it. It gives under my questing hands and the weight of my body. I stumble into the room beyond, realizing dimly that it’s one of the small meeting chambers that are throughout the castle. It’s empty, and for that I am grateful. I slam the door behind me and stumble across the room to collapse near one of the corners. The stones are hard and cold beneath my hands and knees. My body is wracked with harsh, hiccuping, gasping sobs. Tears blur my vision, run in salt streams over my cheeks and lips.
I am trapped in the memory of Callis’s murder, of the countless murders I’ve committed.
There is no forgiveness for me, no matter what Daniel says.
Sudden revulsion makes my stomach surge upward, and I empty its contents onto the floor. I heave and retch until there is nothing left, and then I continue to sob. Wrap my arms around myself and rock back and forth with the force of the pain.
I don’t know how much time passes. I feel Fal dealing with matters in the dining hall. I feel his concern for me, and his slight irritation. But I feel all this dimly, numbly, like I’m underwater. And I don’t care.
I don’t move as the door of the meeting chamber opens and shuts quietly. The sound of the latch clicking is loud in the silent room. My weeping has subsided, and now I exist only in a state of numbness. I hear approaching footsteps, and then the intruder crouches beside me.
“Hey, Blackbird.” Fal says softly, laying a hand on my shoulder. He glances at the messy result of my stomach’s rebellion. Grimaces and lifts a hand, conjuring the mess away. “So, you were sick.” He murmurs.
“Of sorts.” I reply hoarsely. He places my mage blade, now clean, on the floor beside me.
“Here’s your sword.” He says.
That blade killed Callis, killed countless others. I shudder.
“I don’t want it.”
I feel his confusion and concern. And hurt.
“Are you alright?” He asks. I mutely shake my head.
“Come here.” He says gently, and gathers me into his arms as he sits down with his back against the wall. I suppress another sob, leaning into his embrace.
What have we done?
What have we become?
“Hey, sh, sh.” Fal says, rubbing my back gently, comforting me as best as he can.
What have we done?
“I’ve never known you to be sickened by blood and death.” My brother observes gently, fishing for answers.
“I’m sorry. I just….”
I can’t tell him the truth. I can’t lose him.
“I— I—.” I stop and sigh. Close my eyes as more tears roll down my cheeks. Fal holds me tighter.
“Hush. You’ll be alright. Take your time. Get some rest. De-stress. It’s time to stop worrying about me, Blackbird. I’ll be fine.”
“I don’t want to lose you.” I choke out, holding him tighter. “The risks you take…”
He chuckles softly. “I promised you I wouldn’t be reckless, now, didn’t I?”
“Yes.”
He stiffens as a thought occurs to him, and I can feel his embarrassment.
“Ava—“ He begins, a peculiar note in his voice.
“Oh, Fal—“ I start, his feelings influencing mine.
“You— you’re not— you don’t happen to be… with child?” He asks.
The notion is amusing, startling me into a laugh. “Oh, Fal. You know I’m not. For one thing, I’m not married. For another, I am not a suitable mother. Who would I even… do something like that with?”
“I don’t know.” He admits, still embarrassed and a bit amused. “I was just trying to find a reason for you to be acting like this.”
“I promise you, Fal, it’s not because I’m pregnant. I— I just… I’m feeling out of sorts, that’s all.”
“Well, alright then.” He chuckles softly. “I just made a fool of myself, didn’t I?”
I give him a small smile. “Yes, you did.”
“Take it easy today and get some rest, Blackbird.” Fal orders gently. “I’m sure you’ll feel better tomorrow.”
“Fal,” I hold my hands out in front of me, “on my hands, do you see anything?”
He gives me a puzzled glance before peering at my hands. “They look fine to me.”
He can’t see the phantom blood.
He can't see it.
I can’t un-see it anymore.
I curl my fingers into fists and tuck them in my lap. “Never mind.” I say.
“Alright.” He replies, still confused. “Ava,” He shifts to look me in the eyes, “you are still with me. Right?” His tone is almost pleading, but I sense an underlying current of iron.
“Of course!” I tell him, and he knows through our bond that it’s the truth. “Always, brother. Always.”
He sighs in relief. Presses a kiss to the top of my head. Gently stands, leaving me still on the floor. “Rest.” He says, giving me a fond look. Then he leaves.
I remain there for a while, huddled on the floor, staring at my mage blade.
What have we become?
The question echoes in my mind, and I have no answer.
All I know is that I can’t keep on like this. I can’t keep killing, not even for Fal.
Thasron was right. Here, now, I search for some semblance of peace, and I cannot find it. I know I will never be able to find it. I know Thas found his peace in Elhim, or so it seems, and I know that Daniel and his friends have peace.
But all the blood I’ve shed… not even Elhim can erase that.
So I have to live with this.
The knowledge fills me to every corner of my being, and I accept it. This is a burden I must bear, and bear it I will, until death. It’s the least I can do, and it’s less than I deserve.
I will own this blood, these dead faces, these voices.
I stagger up from the floor and amble from the meeting chamber to my own rooms. I collapse on my bed, feeling drained and accepting quiet despair. Exhausted from weeping and inner turmoil, I succumb to sleep when it calls.
When the nightmares come, I surrender to them.
And when I wake, I have made a decision.