Gradually, the torrent of guilt and shame swirling within Lycoris’ mind began to abate.
All emotions faded with time, and she was a strong girl—rather, he’d been a strong-willed man.
He’d endured abusive parents, uncaring townsfolk, demanding instructors, jealous knights, and an oppressive king; he’d suppressed his hunger as an urchin, he’d killed invading sylphs, piscin, and vampires as a knight in the army; he even managed to fight and struggle all the way to the other end of the world, with the aid of three companions. All of the resolve and endurance that he’d accrued had to have amounted to something.
I’ve certainly encountered more than my fair share of pointless violence.
But that didn’t excuse what he’d done. He’d crossed a line that he’d never be able to take back. It was the singular worst sin, one all vampires were guilty of, that marked them as humanity’s eternal enemy and monsters in the Goddess’ eyes. He naively thought that he’d be fine, that he could simply avoid consuming any… blood. That he could somehow circumvent the craving long enough to overthrow Lilianna, or that Mizar would come back with a trump card and deal with the Tyrant. That he somehow hadn’t actually become one of them, and he could hold on to some foolish notion of rescue or “victory.”
What an utterly naive delusion. Lilianna’s too strong, I doubt Mizar would be able to bring her down even if he somehow returned to normal.
He cradled the pendant against his chest, gently rubbing a thumb along its rim. His eyes burned and head throbbed from the tears he’d shed until he ran dry, and his heart ached as he thought about what dwelled within the soft blue trinket.
It was laughable, the pathetic state they’d ended up in. Tatyana was gone, Elham was dead, Mizar was a shrubbery, and he’d become what they all hated most.
It’s all that damned witch’s fault! If only we hadn’t invited her along… if only I’d paid more attention. If only I’d been stronger…
Was it really okay to keep existing, after what he’d done? Would Mizar forgive him, calling it a lapse in judgment? Would Elham be his usual cheery self, perhaps offering an ill-timed fact about wild animal blood?
He always could defuse tension, even if he ended up accidentally insulting someone without realizing it.
Where did that leave Lycoris, though? What would he do now?
The thought of simply… giving in occurred to him, but he still had enough sense to wave it away. If he did that, then Mizar’s sacrifice truly would have been for nothing. There was no chance of forgiveness if he did that. But perhaps, if he only drank enough to satisfy his most basic needs, and avoided consuming more than the bare minimum for survival…
No, he couldn’t accept that much either, even if the others might understand. There had to be another way.
How many lives would I have to take before I’d be free? No, in the first place I don’t even know what freedom would mean anymore. Is there any way back from this?
His head buzzed with confusion once more as he tried to push away the intrusive thoughts. He focused instead on the mental image of Lilianna’s grimace, when she’d gripped the painful bramble and tore off a piece, the tender and troubled smile she wore while placing it inside the locket after tossing the small photo of a rose-haired woman to the ground. What benefit did the woman stand to gain by injuring herself like that? There was no chance it could’ve been just to make him feel better… could it?
She had to have some sort of angle here, something to teach maybe, or was going to leverage it against him somehow. She could be cold and calculating one instant, seemingly ready to toss him off a cliff if she thought it’d help mold him into her image, and then impulsive and kind the next, doing things like… this.
What kind of monster loves so selflessly? I don’t get it. I don’t get what’s going through her head at all.
In the first place, even forcing him to become her heir had to have been an act of mercy from her perspective. Surely there were many other more qualified candidates. Lycoris still didn’t understand why she’d chosen him in particular.
But the fact remained that she did spare his life; it was hard to believe, but if she was so merciful toward him, then perhaps he could trust her. That was easier thought than said or done, however; he wasn't sure he could allow himself trust her, even if it might be correct to.
He sorely wanted to believe that she was nothing more than an unfeeling devil, that everything about her was monstrous and barbaric and wicked… but he’d lost his moral high-ground the moment that glass touched his lips. His sin sat heavy in his stomach, pulling him ever further from the Goddess’ light.
What did he even stand to lose by asking her why she’d made the choices she had? There was nothing for her to gain by lying to him about such a thing, surely.
They weren’t engaged in some mercantile relationship, trust had been freely given to him time and time again, yet he’d remained walled off and reticent. He stopped slapping the olive branch away, but he’d still chosen to ignore it every time Lilianna offered her hand.
Perhaps it was time that he came clean to her—or to himself, perhaps—about his family, about what he’d been going through, about how little he understood her motives and actions.
I’ve embarrassed and shamed myself enough as-is…
He wouldn’t be so gauche as to deny the weight of even a single “little cup of blood” on his psyche, but to have completely broken down and bawled like a child…
The former knight had completely failed to suppress his emotions, the aftershocks of his panic and dread settling as mortification between his shoulders. How laughable that Mizar had entrusted the fate of humanity to someone who’d broken down and cried like a little girl.
What’s a little more embarrassment on top, after already putting on such an immature display?
There was nothing left to lose. Nothing that this monster—or, mother—could do to him that wasn’t already worse than what he’d done himself. He couldn’t remain the flawless mentor Mizar always looked up to. Perhaps he never had been in the first place.
And, despite being a demonic tyrant… enemy of humanity and oppressor of all life…
Lycoris looked down at the locket.
She’s been nothing but kind to me.
Slowly, Lycoris exhaled, and quietly laughed at himself.
His body didn’t need air anymore, but habits didn’t change overnight, and he’d taught plenty of recruits to control their breathing to temper their nerves. He looked down at his hand, the shriveled fingers and punctured skin already good as new.
Monster.
He wanted to run away, dig a hole in the ground somewhere, and then bury himself in it. But he held his ground against the storm of conflicting emotions battering him.
With his mind wracked by embarrassment, hesitation, pain, sorrow and conflicting urges, Lycoris turned to face the woman pacing around the office and talking on her phone—she’d carefully extricated herself from her seat beneath Lycoris when she tossed out the rest of the bloodied pieces of bramble.
“Can… we talk, when you have a moment?”
“—nevermind, we shall speak later, just handle it as you see fit.”
Though Lilianna had been in the middle of speaking, she immediately cut herself off and tossed the cold blue slate aside. It made a cracking noise as it violently collided with the wall.
She raced back over, grabbing another lavishly padded seat to face Lycoris, sitting straight with her hands resting in her lap and her sincere expression focused entirely on her child.
“You have our undivided attention, Lycoris.”
Trembling and anxiously wrapping her hands around the pendant, Lycoris squeezed it as though hoping for Mizar's confidence to bless her as she struggled to put thought to word.
“I’m not really sure where to begin,” she eventually admitted. “I don’t… you’re… mm.”
“Take your time, dear. We have as much available as you could want for.”
“That’s… as good a start as any. Why are you so nice? What’s your angle? I’m just a pawn to you, to carry on your ‘legacy’ or whatever. So why do you look so…”
Worried.
In response, Lilianna almost let slip a startled guffaw, but contained herself and shook her head. “What reason does a mother need?”
Lycoris tilted her head, already unsure how to continue. The woman’s rhetoric truly made no sense. No different from when they sat down on opposite sides of the chessboard, she couldn’t fathom what angle Lilianna was trying to take here.
“You’d still need a reason though, surely. What makes a mother different from anyone else?”
“Because I love you.”
What.
The statement rocked her to her core. Devoid of any sense of majesty or regal pride, Lilianna confessed in plain, simple words.
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
Lycoris stared at her, disbelief plastered all over her face. That couldn’t be true. The woman seated before her was the direct cause of every problem she faced, the cause of all of humanity’s woes, so why—
She forced herself to exhale again, pursing her lips after as though she’d swallowed a particularly bitter wild herb.
“That… doesn’t make any sense to me, I’m sorry,” she muttered.
“Surely you can understand the love a parent has for her child… or are you asserting once more that I am not your mother? While I may not have given birth to you, I still have every intention to raise you with kindness and affection.”
“No I… that’s not… You know, I’m kinda old for adoption. I already got ‘raised’ once, besides.”
“And what of the one who did? Surely she also felt—”
“Don’t! Don’t talk about… her.” Lycoris shivered. “Shouldn’t even have brought her up, stupid…”
“I apologize.” Once more, Lilianna bowed her head, a deep unease welling up inside the girl sitting across from her.
“No it’s… my fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I mean you have but… ugh. You really are nothing like my parents. You don’t even come close to them, I don’t know what to think anymore.”
Lilianna’s shoulders twitched, her hands tightening in her lap as frustration began to work its way onto her brow.
If Lycoris’ instincts were right, or… if she really could trust this woman, then it was genuine frustration, because she’d fundamentally misunderstood what her daughter meant. But she still didn’t understand the core of why Lilianna felt that way about her.
“Er, I should explain… That’s a good thing.”
“…Oh?”
“They were… awful people. Barely even human. Er, though I mean…” She fumbled over her words, scratching her cheek. “They weren’t real monsters. I mean, not that you— I mean you are but— They just… never really, felt anything toward each other, toward me. I guess. And all I felt toward them was…”
Lycoris laughed nervously, hugging her knees against herself as she balled up and sank into the plush chair.
At some point a fire had been lit in the hearth, though she didn’t even see where Lilianna had gotten the wood from or when she’d started it. The rhythmic dancing of flames drew her attention, the warm crackle of dry wood reminding her of all those nights she’d spent camping with her party. Where the dancing embers would coax them into opening up and being ever so slightly vulnerable.
Where she’d learned where the two young men had come from, why they journeyed, and how they were shaped into who they’d become.
A floral scent gradually mingled with the woody and earthy aroma from the fireplace filling the air, which she quickly recognized as the same that hung on Lilianna.
Lycoris’d heard of agarwood before, but the thought that someone would simply burn it for a regular fire reminded her just how different Lilianna’s standards were. Or maybe it was because she was making good on her word and “sparing no expense for her daughter.”
Lycoris chuckled to herself, staring at the flickering flames. “I’ve never actually talked about them before. Not even to the rest of my party. I don’t like thinking about them. Honestly, I don’t even know what became of my mother, after my father walked out on her. She grew more hostile with every turn of the sun, and…”
She frowned behind her knees, fiddling with her fingers as more and more unpleasant memories began to resurface. No matter how much Lycoris had tried to drown out the images, she’d been unable to fully kill her memories of that woman’s screeching.
“One day, I couldn’t handle the abuse and violence anymore, so I ran too… chased after my father, until one day he died and I had nothing left. Not like I was torn up over it, he’d become an unstable alcoholic, and I guess wasn’t really any better of a person. The rest doesn’t really matter, I joined the military and became a knight, then ended up following Mizar on his quest to slay you.”
“Is… that so?”
She could tell that Lilianna was hesitant to press her for details, but still wished for Lycoris to continue; Lycoris could see her fidgeting out of the corner of her eye. Maybe she was debating how to get military intelligence out of her, or maybe… maybe she really just wanted to hear what her daughter had to say, but wasn't sure how to take a gentle approach.
But the woman didn’t push for her to elaborate on her journey or details on the knightly order or anything. She simply sat with her hands folded in her lap, rubbing her thumbs together.
“That’s why when I hear you—Exaltare, the scheming ruler of all vampires who has the world in the palm of her hand—claim that you love me, I just… think it has to be part of some scheme. Nobody’s ever told me that in my life, and now humanity’s greatest threat goes and drops it in my lap for free!? It’s like the punchline to a bad joke.”
“Oh, Lycoris…” Lilianna sounded almost choked up.
Pulling her gaze away from the fire, Lycoris turned to see a teary-eyed face, her mind somersaulting as the image burned itself into her retinas. The most powerful creature on the planet, who had ruled for over three millennia, who would end a servant’s life at the drop of a hat.
She was crying over something as insignificant as Lycoris’ feelings.
“I-I… uh… um… huh?”
“Love isn’t a bartering chip, to be earned or traded or swindled. Not between mother and child. It is unconditional. Even if not reciprocated, it is given freely and readily. It can take many forms, but every child is deserving of a mother’s love. That is my belief. That is why I love you.”
“W-Wait… but… but I’m not… even…”
“If anything, after hearing your story, I consider myself more your mother than that swine who discarded a pearl more precious than any I can imagine.”
“C-Calling me a pearl is a little…”
“I have half a mind to send Lesath after her now.”
Lilianna’s knuckles whitened as she clenched her hands, a brief trickle of blue leaking out.
As the twinge of pain brought her back to her senses, she wiped her hands with a cloth before dabbing her tears away.
“I… think she’s already dead though.”
“A pity, that. But just as well, I hope Hell does a better job warming her heart than the sight of my sweet little Lycoris.”
“You do remember that I didn’t look like this before, right…?”
“Of course, dear. The thought that my love could ring hollow because of those worthless sacks of blood is— I’ll admit… I did not expect hearing you claim it was just ‘part of some scheme’ to cut so deep. Do you really think me to be so callous?”
“I don’t know,” she said honestly, affectionately rubbing the locket. “The… only person I ever really trusted was Mizar. And even then I never really opened up to him… Maybe I just felt responsible for him… I taught him how to use a sword, at least. I guess I felt proud, too, until we came here and…”
“Then perhaps you can understand where I speak from, and accept why I feel as I do about you.” Lilianna paused, before asking in a low tone, “Do you blame me for what happened to him?”
“No… yes. I-I’m not sure. If it weren’t for you, then we never would’ve had to… but he still made the decision himself.”
“You understand that if it weren’t me, there’d be another on the throne. If our kind didn’t exist, there would simply be another ‘threat,’ sylph or geolle or otherwise.”
“…”
“It’s okay to be confused, Lycoris. Just know that even if you can’t accept it, I’ll never stop showering you with affection.”
Even if she couldn’t believe her, even if it was just part of some elaborate scheme or wicked web, Lycoris craved that warmth. She was tired and hungry and sad. She’d gone through so much, both today and in the forty-odd years she’d lived. Thinking about her past had uncorked all the pent up feelings she’d shoved into a bottle fashioned by her survival instinct.
“I…”
…Just wanted a happy family.
It wasn’t fair, what she’d had to go through. But who’s fault had that been, really? Was it Lilianna’s, for being the ruler of a distant country that culled humans like a gardener pruning a bush and harvesting its flowers?
Was it her original parents, for conceiving and raising a child when they had no love in their hearts?
Or… was it the Goddess, for creating this world to begin with? Lycoris couldn’t begin to fathom why a benevolent Goddess would create something like vampires, unless… unless they weren’t inherently demonic and evil.
If humans were capable of stepping outside her light and sinning, then… perhaps the Church’s dogma was mistaken, and vampires were capable of goodness in equal measure.
Maybe they’d all been mistaken about Lilianna from the beginning. Perhaps she really, truly was a kind person at heart. Certainly, that’s all Lyco had seen of her, aside from their first battle… no, even that seemed more like just another sparring session in hindsight.
Was that how she saw it?
Lycoris fell quiet, closing her eyes and attempting to distance herself from the thoughts of her past, basking in the calm atmosphere instead. It only dawned on her then that she’d forgotten to change out of her chemise nightgown, but it hung comfortably on her as she sank into Lilianna’s lounge chair.
A part of her wanted to stay in this ephemeral place forever, afraid of what it’d mean once the two of them left this office. Her mother would go back to being the arrogant-sounding ruler, and she’d go back to worrying over who she was, if she could still call herself a human. Not that she had ever stopped, it just felt… less important, in the moment.
The large cushioned seat was softer than any bed she’d slept in before she arrived at the palace. While Lycoris had visited the royal castle before, back then she hadn’t been given the luxury of reclining in any of the guest rooms. Perhaps the Princess, or her father, had been able to savor this sort of relaxation during their time off…
She wasn’t sure how much time passed while her mind wandered, she only only became aware of herself once more when she felt something brush up against her. Her mother had gotten up and moved over, smiling sweetly as she sat down in the same seat as Lycoris. It was a little cramped, but she was small enough now that the adult could snugly fit beside her.
Lilianna draped an arm around her, tenderly squeezing her as she stared into the fireplace. The room wasn’t cold at all, even in her pajamas, but that simple act filled Lycoris with an indescribable, intoxicating warmth.
“Thank you for sharing what was on your mind. Doing so must have been quite difficult, especially burdened as you were with fear and doubt.”
“Y…Yeah…”
Though, there was still one thing left that she hadn’t been able to bring up. One last thing, which had been what set her off and pushed her into this strange and vulnerable state to begin with.
Transparent fragments twinkled in the firelight, gleaming in a corner of the room. A broken glass. Small drips of scarlet ichor trickled off the haphazardly stacked shards, like someone had cut their hand on the jagged splinters and created an odious, multi-layered waterfall that plunged into a shallow and sinful basin torn from Hell.
The carmine light cast by the dregs of her drink sparkled like a cursed ruby, tempting her to reach out for its forbidden light.