I can’t feel my limbs. My legs give out as I crash to the roof, the tiles shattering from the weight, but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel anything.

The Beast shrinks down, its head clicking and twitching as it rights itself. It’s no bigger than a bear now. It turns its eyes to me. It holds my gaze for a long moment before turning and walking away.

I don’t know how long I stay there staring where Peggy had been. Throw up is staining my robes and quickly drying as a breeze rolls through. My ankle is throbbing from the botched landing though I can’t feel the pain yet. Blood is rushing through my ears, muffling the world.

And my sister is dead.

It’s not right. It’s not right that Peggy was the one to go. It’s not right that I’m still here, frozen in fear as grief tries to make its way through the numbness to strangle me.

A hand lands on my shoulder. I don’t move. “Yvanna.” Elena’s voice is quiet. It’s low and hurried. “We have to leave here.”

I can’t make my mouth form the words so I just stay. If I move then it’s real. If I move then I’m no longer frozen in the moment. It’ll just be me hurtling towards a future without Peggy in it.

“Yvanna, please.” Elena’s voice breaks as her grip tightens. She moves, putting her face close to mine. Her eyes are watering but she blinks the tears away. “We have to move. I won’t let them lose both of you.”

I can’t move. Every muscle is pulled taut as if waiting to snap. I think about Peggy right before we descended into the Valley. Strong. Confident. Self-assured and eager to get moving. The scene of her as the Valley Beast bore down on her flashes in my mind. She mouthed something. What did she say?

Elena is speaking again, but I can’t hear it. Her mouth is in a tight line as she takes a step back and slaps me.

My neck snaps right and I blink. The sound echoes across the village and seems to jumpstart my heart. She’s biting her lip as she watches my reaction. I rub my cheek before turning away and starting the climb down. Elena breathes a sigh of relief and follows.

I’m still numb, but I crawl down. One foot after another. One hand over another. Elena leads the way back. She’s cautious, but some part of me knows she doesn’t have to be. The Beast won’t attack us. Not any time soon.

I stay downstairs when we arrive. The trek up the stairs feels insurmountable. There’s nothing left for me to give so I sit at the kitchen table. The windows are covered with curtains. They’re sheer white and I can almost see outside. Nothing moves outside.

Upstairs Elena voice gently floats down. She talks quickly and quietly. I can’t make out what she says, but I know when she tells them about Peggy. There’s a gasp and a hiccupping sob that erupts. My hands find each other as if holding on to something would help the onslaught of emotion that rampages through me.

Dad’s sobs break me down. Each carefully constructed layer of balance and distance and compartmentalization and disassociation are ripped away as his choking gasps find me. I clench my hands together so hard my nails push through skin and blood falls to the table, mingling with the tears that won’t stop flowing.

Pushing the heels of my palm against my eyes, I try to keep quiet. I don’t deserve to mourn her. Not when I was the one who insisted we go out and face that Beast. It should have been me.

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We prepare ourselves every time we descend into the Valley. It’s never lost on us how dangerous it can be regardless of how often people make it back. Before the disappearances spiked, at least five people went missing a year. Their friends and family were never prepared and some ignorant part of me never quite understood the intensity of their grief. They knew this could happen. Why did they fall apart so thoroughly? Why did they stop taking care of themselves, their jobs, their homes? I never understood.

I understand now.

I don’t move from the kitchen table. Mom and Dad tried to sit with me on the first day, but I couldn’t look in their eyes and stared at the table instead. We sat in silence for hours before they went back upstairs.

They haven’t been back down since.

I see Elena the most. She sits with me, fidgeting as she sits across the table. Sometimes she talks, though after the first time she doesn’t talk about anything important. She saw how it washed over me and stuck to things I could absorb.

“Here,” she says, pushing something toward me. “You should at least eat something.” I tear my eyes from the window and stare at the plate. There’s bread and something that might be meat. “Apparently the houses all have food that lasts a long time. They’ve been eating what they can to make it last as long as possible.”

My movements are mechanical. My fingers creak and groan as I grab the bread. It tastes like dust. I chew. I swallow. Elena smiles.

It’s all I do now. I sit at the table, Elena talks at me, and I eat or drink when she pushes something my way.

I only know how much time has passed when Tenley sits across from me. “It’s been two weeks, Yvie.” Her tone isn’t harsh, just matter of fact, but it stings all the same. “How long are you going to mope?”

I open my mouth, but I can’t make any sound come out. It’s so dry. I haven’t seen Elena in days.

She rolls her eyes and leaves before coming back with water. I take a sip before putting it down. She looks at the water, then back to me. She does this a few more times before I realize what she wants. I down the cup and push it away.

She nods. “Your parents miss you.”

“I’m right here,” I lie, looking back to the window. “I haven’t left the table.”

“Sure, but you won’t look at anyone’s face except Elena and you don’t talk to her.”

“I’m talking to you.”

I can’t see her, but I can hear her frown as she says, “You know what I mean. Peggy died—” I flinch as if the word itself lashed me—“Yes, Yvanna, she’s dead. Gone. The sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you can pull yourself together.”

“I can’t.” My voice cracks and I try to clear it. Tears are forming again, but I blink them away. “I can’t get over it, Ten. Peggy means everything to me.”

“And your parents don’t?” she snaps. “We don’t? And what about those kids Elena talked about? They mean something to you, don’t they?”

“What?” My head snaps toward her and something pops. I wince in pain, my hand coming up to rub my neck. My head is fuzzy as a thousand thoughts try to form all at once. I blink hard.

Tenley leans back, crossing her arms. “So it’s the kids, huh?”

“What about my kids?”

She smirks and looks like the person I used to make jokes with. “Nothing, really. Elena just mentioned you had some kids you looked after. I can’t imagine they’d be too thrilled you didn’t at least try to make it back.”

Closing my eyes, I can still see their faces. Eyes red and puffy as I descended. Their smiles don’t reach their eyes, but they’re trying and I promised them I’d try. Even if that means I won’t be the same on the other side, I promised. No one depends on me like they do. I can be replaced at the temple and meetings, but I can’t be replaced for them.

Two weeks. They’re already in Niawen with their aunt, but they won’t give up on me. Even after their first trip to the Valley, it took months for them to fully believe their parents were gone.

I let my hand fall to the table, and I feel a familiar jitteriness. A thought forming. A feeling brewing. My stomach turns and it’s not from fear.

“Where’s Elena?”

Tenley smiles and stands. “Come on up. We’ve been waiting for you.”