– Monday, November 20th, 2017 –

“That’s Milan Lohmann.”

I hear the whisper of a girl, as I pass by a group of girls, holding my head low. I’ve never been insecure, or nervous about going to school. Once, I walked around these same hallways, known by everybody, in a good way.

Everybody knew about my videos, everybody knew I was dating Cara, everybody knew I was on the verge of getting into a major soccer club andheading to the best university in the country. Everybody knew half, or more, of my clothes were donated by huge brands because they wanted me as their social influencer. They knew I was about to make it, in any direction I wanted.

Now they know me because I’m Milan Lohmann, the eighteen-year-old talented kid who got into a skiing accident, ending up with a broken back, broken neck and cluster headaches that could easily kill.

It took me months to recover physically, all because some idiot wanted to use the halfpipe I was riding as a shortcut towards the restaurant.

I have no idea what to do with my life at the moment. I won’t get into the best university in the country – as I’m incapable to study as hard as I have to – I’m no longer dating Cara – since she decided on coming out as bisexual, now dating a girl named Farah. And I am no longer capable of sporting at the same level I was previously, with soccer orskiing.

What am I saying? I’m not even capable of sporting in any level, in any sports.

I’m simply Milan Lohmann, the kid who had it all, and lost it all in the blink of an eye.

I know there’s rumours about what happened and up until today I refused to allow Jacob to upload the video material of the accident.

At first, I didn’t even know who Jacob was, or what had happened.

At first, I didn’t realise my crash was videotaped, or that I had a fanbase that went crazy over the fact I sort of disappeared.

I only found out when my parents sued the guy who left me crumbled in the snow, because he was angry because ‘I risked his life for fun’. I found out a lot during the hearings, during the case, and that’s where I’ve seen the video for the first time – and last time – ever.

By then, I did remember vaguely what had happened, but powerlessly watching myself plunge towards my fucked-up future wasn’t a thing I would ever want to do again. I cried two days straight.

And I knew I made a mistake too. I leaned the wrong way in a futile attempt to not collide with the hot-headed idiot. If I wouldn’t have leaned the wrong way, I might have not broken my back. I might have collided with the guy, I might have injured him too, but things could’ve ended better for me. But I leaned wrong, and my lower back was the first body part that hit the halfpipe, right on the edge. Despite the back protector I was wearing, I broke three vertebrae in the lower part of my back.

And I broke my neck because it snapped back with force at the impact, hitting my head in the same process.

But at least my helmet saved me from a worse head injury, though it left me with memory loss and killing headaches nonetheless.

But there’s no brain damage.

I’m still smart, I’m still me. Just not the same.

Just bedridden every so often, due to the massive headaches that keep haunting me, for nearly eight freaking months.

And that’s how long I haven’t wandered around these hallways. That’s how long I haven’t seen Cara, or any of my friends beside Jacob.

And not because they didn’t show any interest, because they did. But because I didn’t want to be pitied over. I didn’t want to face them, feel shitty because I know they now all feel sorry for me.

At least my fame didn’t leave me without real friends. My fifteen minutes of fame never interfered with my personal life. My friends were the guys I knew ever since pre-school.

Jacob, Evert, William and Fredrik.

They have always been there for me, before the fame, during the fame, and still after I disappeared from Social Media and pulled my website offline.

I know it was hard for Jacob to pull the website offline while he’s been building it for years in a row already.

But I insisted, worried he might still post the video on my website anyway. Evidently, once I was capable of, I changed the password to the YouTube channel, after I found out the video was already on there, just not shared with the world to see. Jacob was just waiting for a moment in which I would allow him to post it.

All of my friends told me numerous of times that comments kept coming in on the YouTube channel with questions where I’ve went, why I stopped, when a new video is going to get up.

Never have I responded, because I simply am incapable of responding without crying like a baby once again.

Which will give me a headache.

Which will leave me bedridden for days.

No thank you.

I would’ve let Jacob handle it for me, like he always used to, but that would mean I’d have to give him the new password and he could post the video that I do not want online for the world to see.

And now, everywhere I go, everywhere I walk, I hear the whispers.

And what maybe sucks the most, is the fact I have to retake my year in highschool, since school simply came to a stop for the past eight months. I’m sort of picking up where I left.

As if time stood still, while everybody kept moving anyway. And I lost my advantage of skipping a year in middle school because I was considered ahead of my age.

“Hey Milan.” It’s Cara’s sweet voice, waking me up from my train of thoughts as I was trying to find my locker.

I can’t remember which mine was.

“Hey, Cara…” I turn to look at her, feeling a bit lost.

“You’re back in school.” She points out the obvious and I simply nod in response. “You look good.”

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

“Thanks, I guess.” I shrug, showing her a small smile. “You do too. How are things with Farah?”

“Good!” She smiles widely, visibly glad I picked a subject that isn’t as awkward as any other subject. I think it’s probably the only subject we could talk about, that hasn’t got anything to do with my accident. It’s a subject that isn’t altered by the accident.

Because when Cara and I dated – we weren’t officially together – we dated to keep up appearance.

We dated each other because we were both too afraid to tell the world the truth. Because while Cara is – now openly – bisexual, I am in fact almost certain I am gay. We didn’t know, until we met in a gay club a town over. I went there without anyone knowing, and I bumped into Cara.

We had been each others charade for months.

But Cara is now out and proud, dating a girl that I remember vaguely as sweet and caring, just like Cara.

Caring Cara. My sweet, sort of ex-girlfriend.

And I’m still in the closet, because my sexuality has been the least of my worries in the past months.

Only my brother Mass knows, and he’s my go-to guy whenever I want to rant about being in the closet, wanting a boyfriend, and my small crush with a local talented skier, who – by the way – hates my guts because local news reporters keep comparing him to me, and stating I was better.

They know where I went, as they wanted to do a report about my accident. Thankfully, my parents held them back from doing so, stating I wanted my privacy.

“So, I actually wanted to thank you…” Cara drawls, grabbing my wrist, pulling me somewhere else. “For wanting to help me deal with my feelings. You’ve been my inspiration to live life the way I want.”

“Since you still can.” I fill in the blank she left at the end of her sentence.

She nods with a weary smile.

“Your locker is here.” As if she knows I couldn’t find my locker. As if she knows what’s inside my head. “And if you ever need anything, just let me know.”

“I will, thanks Cara. I am going to miss our fun dates.” Even though I can’t remember half of them. I do remember how much fun we always used to have. She is my soulmate, just not in the right body to be with in a romantic way. It’s purely platonic love for a girl that has supported me in many ways.

Just part of a past that I can no longer live since I’m still not even close to being healed.

If I will ever heal.

* * * * *

“I swear Cara still has feelings for you.” Fredrik nudges me as we’re seated at the lunch table after a very weird morning in school. “She keeps looking your way.”

“She’s just keeping an eye on me because I’m a bit absent-minded,” I respond with a shrug. “She’s just being a good friend.”

And I know they all are trying to be the best friends right now. Jacob has been late in two classes, because he waited for me, and walked with me. But since I really am absent-minded, everything seems to take me at least twice as much time as it used to.

“Are you capable of joining P.E. or are you sitting it out?” Fredrik casually asks, staring at his phone as he is texting with his girlfriend.

“I can’t play sport,” I snap at him in annoyance. “Why won’t you remember I can’t? I don’t want to repeat it every hour of every day.”

“Right, sorry.” He looks up shortly, with a look full of pity, that annoys me even further.

“Whatever,” I mutter while slumping down in my seat a bit more. “I wish today would be over and I can get back to doing nothing.”

“Maybe we can hang out with the five of us,” Evert suggests with doubt evident in his voice. “No girlfriends, just us, like we used to.”

“And do what?” Jacob rolls his eyes, knowing I’m not really capable of doing much of the things we used to do.

“I have therapy after school, and I think I need the whole evening to do homework.”

“We could do homework together.” Jacob suggests with a shrug. “I could help you out with typing.”

“That isn’t a bad idea, really,” I answer gratefully.

“So, is there any progress?” William asks with interest evident in his eyes. He genuinely wants to know if I ever get better. Not because he pities me, but because he wants the best for all of us.

“Some, mostly with my back and neck. The headaches I have will probably stay. I just have to find a balance to prevent from doing something that causes another episode.” I shrug again, trying to lighten the subject by pretending it’s not a big deal. But it is a big deal and we all know.

I was accepted into the best university in the country because I worked hard to get there. But the accident ruined that, and the headaches prevent me from studying as hard as I did. For now, I’m incapable of reaching the same level in school, so I had to cancel my application to Stuyvesant University.

I had to quit soccer, I had to quit skiing. I can’t game with the guys, I can’t go to a club or stay in busy places for too long.

I’ll be exhausted once I’m home because of the sensory overload in school. And I still have to do my homework, while I can’t sit behind a computer screen for longer then half an hour.

For the past eight months, I filled up my time either with therapy sessions, doctor visits, or resting, from either of those.

Jacob visited me every other day to keep me company, but half the times he visited, he left shortly after arriving, because I had already been asleep.

“Just let us know if you need us to help with anything.” Fredrik pats my shoulder carefully. “Like type out your homework or whatever.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, thanks guys.” I nod, appreciating them offering me help. I know I probably will need their help anyway.

I have to pass the year. I have to graduate. If I graduate, I can take a gap year and work on further recovery without fuzzing over school or work.

* * * * *

“Your dad and I have been thinking,” Mom starts talking as she takes a seat beside me on the couch, where I’m laying down with a wet towel over my head. My study-session with Jacob lasted too long, and I have a beginning headache. “We always go on vacation during Christmas break to wintersport areas you pick, but why don’t we pick another sort of vacation?”

“Like? I thought we would just stay home this year, since we don’t have much money left to spend.” Which is because all money is spent on my therapy sessions, my recovery, because of my accident.

“My parents have been talking about going to Mexico…”

“I can’t sit on a plain for a day, mom.” I groan in annoyance.

“And they saved up a lot of money.” She continues as if I didn’t interrupt. “Remember how you and your father always wanted to go to Iceland?”

“You want to go to Iceland?”

“If you think you can handle the trip. It’s not that long… we could take your condition into consideration and plan a resting day the first day.”

“I mean, I would have to talk to doctor Henderson first…” I drawl, pushing the towel away from my eyes to look at her. “If he thinks I could survive the flight, I think it would be cool.”

“So, let’s schedule a meeting with him and ask him about the possibilities.” She smiles and pats my knee shortly. “Just get out of here for two weeks, with my parents and your brothers…”

“All of them?” I scrunch up my nose in annoyance. “I can’t stand sitting in a plain with Leo for too long.”

“He’s done a lot to help us out the past months, you too. I know you and Leo are like fire and ice, but we’re a family and I want to go on a vacation with the whole family for once. You know how I feel about the fact I have no contact with my brother.”

“That’s because you felt like Neo was affecting me when we were kids.”

“And he was, because you started copying his behaviour.”

“Because I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable or feel as an outcast.” I roll my eyes, regretting it as it hurts to move them. “Neo is cool, mom, just… different.”

“And I still think Caroline should’ve agreed she should’ve done more to keep him from acting that way. If she would’ve corrected him a bit more, he might’ve not been this way in the first place.”

“It’s her son, not yours. You have five as it is already, that’s plenty, huh?”

“And I tried talking to her, but that’s not the point.” She shakes her head disapprovingly, “I miss my brother and I wish you guys would be a bit closer.”

“Leo and I are nearly nine years apart in age.”

“You and Romeo are eleven years apart and better friends.”

“Because Romeo is more of an adult. Leo is such a baby.” Don’t get me wrong, I love all of my brothers. Leo is just a bit spoiled, or at least, acting that way. Right after my accident, mom and dad had their hands full on helping me in any way possible and they couldn’t go to his graduation because I had a surgery the day before. They were with me and he had a huge tantrum over it.

He should just grow up and realize we’re with five, and my parents do everything they can to divide their attention over all of us as equally as possible.

“Well,” Mom sighs deeply, putting the towel back in place. “We’ll talk to doctor Henderson first, and see who goes and who won’t if we know what you’re capable of.”

“Sounds like a great plan to me, mom.” I smile, knowing she can see the smile, despite the fact half of my face is covered with the wet towel. “Now, could you get me my painkillers? I think I’m about to have another episode.”

“Off course, honey.” She suddenly sounds tired and sad and I get why. It hasn’t been easy for my parents to see me this way. There’s really not much they can do to help me during an episode and I bet it’s killing them to see me in agony.

And the fact I feel an episode coming up, makes her feel useless because there’s nothing she can do to prevent it from getting worse in the upcoming hours.

But I guess this is life now, and we all have to adjust and learn to live with it.