A few seconds after the pod closed the air suddenly seemed colder, but it was the type of cold that never really penetrated beyond the skin. I don't know how long it lasted but the next thing I felt was like I was drifting off into a dream, except the world around me was far more solid than the murky fluidity of your average dream. It took me embarrassingly long to realize that I was in the game and I could move around.

The chair I was in was completely different than before, but was still comfortable. The rest of the room was pure white with no doors or other obvious exits. The room itself was fairly large, at least, enough for a hockey rink to fit comfortably or more. The only other thing in the room was a robot that looked suitably sci-fi. The top half had a torso, overly long arms, and a head; all coated in futuristic silver; while the bottom half had a set of tank treads instead of legs. It made the thing short but solid looking.

"Welcome to the basic analysis center for incoming participants. Would you like an explanation for what we will be doing today?" The voice sounded artificial and strangely reverberant, so it took me a moment to realize that it was the robot speaking. That might have been obvious, since it was the only thing in the room, but that seemed off since the sound didn't bounce right and it had no mouth.

"Sure, what all can you tell me." I replied while looking around.

"The first stage will consist of determining your most likely stats through various tests of ability. Please attempt to the fullest of your ability, as it will determine your character's starting abilities." The words were flat and entirely without emotion, like the robot had words and basic inflections for those words but no thought of subtext or other nonverbals to mix in.

"Why do you need to do that, shouldn't you just be able to standardize or redistribute stats like in any other game?" I asked.

"This is not a game."

"Then why do you need to do this?"

"To prepare you for gaming." it answered unhelpfully

"So I haven't entered The Game yet?"

"That is incorrect, you are currently in The Game."

"But didn't you just say that this isn't part of a game?"

"Correct."

"But we are in The Game."

"Correct."

"So is gaming part of The Game?" I asked.

"Correct."

"But no game?"

"Correct."

I took a few more seconds to try to wrap my head the computer's stubbornness before shelving it for later. "I'm not awake enough for this. Look, just let me know about the first test."

A weight machine appeared in front of me and I groaned in discontentment. I hadn't lifted weights since high school and didn't miss the experience.

Hopefully everything would go smoothly from here on out and I could get this over with.

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Tutorial System Log: Preliminary assessment of candidate "Johnny Max Riker". No Aliases detected. Relevant interactions included.

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"Beginning second test."

"So a smokey room? What is this supposed to test?"

"This test measures one's resistance to adverse effects."

"I mean, it is just smoke, there isn't anything too bad about that."

"The smoke is laced with trace amounts of poison."

You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

"Wait! Are you poisoning me? Am I going to be ok?"

"Elevated heartrate and adrenal levels detected. Test has concluded."

"Uh, is that it?"

"Moving to next test."

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"Look, I tripped, that shouldn't count."

"Test has concluded."

"You just suddenly yelled at me to run while I was looking at the weight machine. It took a few minutes to clear out the smoke and I thought I had time. It has some funky mechanisms that I was trying to figure out. I didn't even get to run before you called the test completed."

"Test has concluded."

"Can you say anything other than that?"

"Beginning next test."

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"Wait, is it over already?"

"Dexterity cannot exceed five times the Agility portion of Speed. Threshold met."

"But wait, didn't I fail the Agility test when I tripped?"

"Correct."

"Yeah, at this point that sounds about right..."

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"Math tests, really?"

"Affirmative. This will test learning and focus abilities."

"But do we have to start at simple addition? What is even the point of this?"

"Focus limit achieved, continuing test to determine learning limit."

"... and what type of math do I have to do to reach the limit on the 'Learning' portion of my 'Mental stat', due to the stupidly low score you are giving me on 'Focus'."

"Simple Subtraction."

"You know what, robot. Fuck you too."

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"Robot, why are you coming at me with a knife?"

"Research indicates that this is an acceptable way to test one's Healing ability."

"What, maybe if I had superpowers or something, but normal people don't just get stabbed on a daily basis."

"Test will commence."

"Nope nope nope nope. Please stop chasing me with that knife."

"Test will commence."

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"Ok, so you finally caught me. I'm too exhausted to run anymore, lets just get it over with."

"A one half inch incision on your arm will suffice."

" Wait, that's it?"

"Affirmative. Healing capabilities recorded. Test has concluded.

"Great, glad that's over with. What is next."

"Stamina testing commences. Please run for as long as you can without stopping."

"uuuuggggg"

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"Scanning public records for professional and semi-professional history. ... Scanning complete. Job assessment: Reality TV Star."

"Wait, that can't be right, I'm a professional video gamer, one of the best in the world. That has to count for something!"

"No such category exists."

"But I'm like, fighting wars inside the games. Maybe that is some sort of simulated combat?"

"No significant VR use exists. Simulated combat threshold of experience not reached."

"The game 'You Are Gun' will be the death of me, even now. What about leadership experience? I directed a lot of teams through small group tactics. Maybe that fits in somewhere?"

"No army command exists. No other professional leadership experience exists within a recognized profession."

"So wait, let me get this straight: Because 'professional gamer' isn't a recognized job I can't have leadership experience in it?"

"Correct."

"Oh, come on, there has to be something else. Maybe if you look further back in my history?"

"Correct. One new job assessment option has been found. Job assessment: High-school Slacker/Delinquent."

"You know what, Reality TV Star is sounding better already."

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"Please review your starting class options. Options based on job assessment and activities within that profession."

"Wait, really? Why do these all suck?"

"All classes are viable and numerically equivalent in power given that they are used to their fullest extent. The exceptions are the 'Basic' Classes, which can be readily evolved given sufficient resources."

"Right. But using most of these classes 'to their fullest extent' sounds like I would need to go around kicking puppies and stealing candy from babies."

"Incorrect, no animal cruelty or theft is required."

"Yeah, but just look at the class names: 'True Monster', 'Knife In The Back', 'Anger Manipulator Psion'. And the descriptions are even worse. Half of it seems to stem from me tilting my opponents in multiplayer games, the rest from playing solo in team games with jerks who aren't team players. I don't want to start out with an evil class. I doubt I could use them 'to their fullest extent' anyway."

"All classes can be used in a variety of manners."

"Right, I guess the generic 'Computer Operator' it is then."

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"So I finished early, right."

"That is correct."

"And I don't need to leave until the maximum time has passed."

"No requirement or expectation to leave the preliminary testing facility exists."

"And anything I find out in here won't count against me in the rest of the tutorial? Right?"

"That is correct."

"Hu... Well in that case I have a few questions to get some clarification on."

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Session flagged for review: Anomalous results detected. Tampering suspected. Relevant interactions for review included.

Results of session review: Tampering confirmed: Retries are normally allowed for stat estimation portion, randomized stat tests were corrupted to a preset group of options, tests were given unreasonable failure criteria, "Video Gamer" is a recognized profession, "Combat Strategist" profession covers all types of simulated combat and is a recognized profession, leadership experience can be assessed through hobbyist use, early exit strongly encouraged to prepare for the next portion of the Tutorial.

Addendum: Core System refused to validate results, Class System used as vector of attack, Tutorial System corrupted.

Recommended action: Character encryption until handoff to Core System. Implemented; Class System partial quarantine. Implemented; Tutorial System reboot. Implemented; Contact enforcers to address high level Player's interference. Could not be completed.

Further results: Rare stat detected: Negative Luck.