The trio of Gricrir, Tony and Grif cuts across the bridge in deft fashion.

“Hey you there! This is Vice Captain Gricrir Foreblossom. Announce yourself.” His voice was commanding and left no room for incompliance. In the shadows cast by that dominant voice lurked concern, hunting his thoughts. Gricrir knew to whom those old-style Capitol boots belonged to.

Don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead.

“Pull him out from over there,” he gestured uncharacteristically gruffly to his lieutenants.

Grif and Tony each took a boot in hand and pulled. They pulled a man out who wore simple robes still holding onto a staff. His unkempt black hair branched out and dragged across the ground. His facial hair had grown out past stubble and needed a cut. It was Urberer, the monk. Gricrir could spot him out of a lineup anytime.

“Is he alive?”

“I don’t see anyone wounds Captain,” said Grif, looking him over.

“He seems to be breathing to me Cap,” said Tony. And almost to prove his point, Urberer the monk, let out quite the unappealing snore; the kind of long snore where a person seems to almost choke on their own snore.

“Eh, and he smells like dragon juice Cap. And I mean like, the really, really expensive kind that a dwarf probably had in some random ass mine.”

Ug. Urb. Always such a problem.

“Get up Urberer.”

Urberer just turns over to his side and curls up. Sleeping as peacefully as a baby that had a little of the ol’ whiskey put on their gums for teething.

Gricrir stares at the man, his arms crossed. And like anyone in his situation might; he loses his shit.

“Damn it Urberer! Wake up!” He kicks Urberer right in the middle of his sole.

“Wha- what?” Urberer jumps up, wielding his staff in one hand, crouched back as if ready to fight.

“I’ll take on all you hea-hea,” he lets out a a burp that smells like old dragon juice “heathens!” Urb sways on his feet, seeming out of it.

“You drunken fool. Put down that damn stick before I use it like a fishing pole and hang you over the side of the low-town bridge,” Gricrir said with a growl.

“Oh,” swaying in spot “it’s vice-captain ‘I’ve got a stick up my ass’ why don’t you relax. You know what. He stumbles over to Gricrir, until he missteps and slams his head into the mans chest, and then bouncing off, “If you want, I can get you some of this good, good juice too. I’m friends with the barkeep at the Flogging’ Inn. It might help ta-ta-take the edge off.” He finally looks up from the mans chest to his eyes, and gives him an unfocused, childlike smile.

“Ugh. Get off of me” and pushes Urberer away. Urberer promptly falls on his ass.

Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

Tony and Grif stare at their commander. They don’t say anything, even though their faces say they want to intervene.

“No-no, no need to be so rough,” Urberer says. Urberer rolls to his side and pushes up. Grabbing his staff, he uses it to balance himself. “Why so serious? Do you need to ma-make a confession? That why you are so upset? I can help” Urberer then uses his staff to walk next to the side of the stall, where it made a ninety-degree angle with the wall.

“What were you doing out here,” Gricrir asks.

It was a brief moment shared between the two; an exchange silent and unseen. Urberer looked at the Vice Captain, or so it seems at first. In fact, he was just standing in his direction. His pupils looked up and past Gricrir shoulder. They then returned to meet the Vice Captain’s eyes. Gricrir made no movement, and just let his own pupils glance in the direction that Urb had been looking. Urberer just made the slightest of nods in the negative.

“Well Vice Captain, gimme just a moment”.

“Hey wait”

Too late. Urberer had already undone part of his pants and was peeing on the side of the wall. “Oh, I was having a good night out. Had a little bit too much to drink. But it wasn’t too bad.”

Urberer leans his head back, letting out a moan of relief. “Ah. That’s good. Anyways, I just kinda stumbled through here last night. And that damn dragon juice got to me. Put me out. Made myself a glorious impromptu tent” He shakes himself twice, places himself away, fixes his pants and comes back over to the group.

“Well I hadn’t wanted to see that this morning,” Grif said.

“Right Cap.? Even I have more of that ah, that couffeh ya’ll be talkin’ about than him” Tony said..

Gricrir glances over at him, slightly confused.

Grif mumbles the correct word “couth”to herself and just choses to leave Tony alone about it.

“Urberer. You’ve got to be a better example than this. You can’t just be doing whatever you want”.

“Why can’t I? Ere’body loves me,” he starts waving to random passerby’s. And they waved back. The people just start responding: “Hey Urberer, good to see you; Urberer, what are you doing with the leather backs? You need bail?; Urb, thanks for helping my kids last week; Urberer you da monk… of da people.” This goes on for quite a while until Urberer chooses to stop paying people attention. “See. They love me.”

Gricrir frowns. There was nothing he could say to the cold hard facts. People liked this guy.

“Do you know how many drunks I had to lock up this morning?”

“A few?”

“Not enough. Clearly I missed one”.

“But I’m not bothering anyone.

“Well you sure are bothering me. You just can’t go pissing anywhere or sleeping in stalls.”

“Fine, fine. You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t even know there were that man-man-many drunks last night. It was so quiet here. I could only here a few rats skittering, I think.”

Gricrir arches an eyebrow.

“Urberer. Go home”

“I don’t have a home”

“Well you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here, sir.”

“Fine! I’m gonna go to the bar again!”

“Whatever Urberer. Just don’t let me catch you out here like this again. Now get going”.

Gosh he gets under my skin. He’s like a mosquito trying to take the calm and joy out of my veins every chance he gets.

“Fine. I’m gettin. I’m gettin”. Urberer gets on all fours, and goes into the makeshift fort again.

“What. Are. You. Doin?”

“Just getting my cup. Stella would kill me if I didn’t bring it back.”

“Son of a - lets go.” Gricrir spins on his foot and heads back to the food stall.

“It’s just a cup…” Urberer says innocently.

Gricricr doesn’t even turn around to acknowledge the man. He pays for the sandwiches at the food vendor.

“Eat those sandwiches on the way, we’re getting out of here,” Gricrir says, passing each of them a ham sandwich.

He could hear them mumbling back and forth.

“I think cap’n’s mad,” Tony said in what he thought was out of ear-shot.

“Oh you think? What’d make you think that?”

“The big vein on his head. I only see that after he’s done talking to his boss”

“Tony, my question was rhetorical”

“Rhe- rhubarb what? What’s Rhubarb got to do wit anything?”

“Oh …oh, never mind”

And at that time, both Grif and Gricrir face-palmed.