Ms. Elwhite pushed off the wall she'd been leaning against while listening to the events on stage and fell into step beside him.

"Well, sir, I think you've got their attention. What were you hoping to accomplish with the crossbow bit?"

"It seemed easier than yelling 'Be quiet!' for the next 15 minutes. I remember how these orientations work, and I wouldn't have listened to someone who looked like me, either. I'm a big fan of efficiency."

"Billicks was angry enough with you that he was shaking as he came off stage. Do you know what that means?"

Albanos slowed for a second, trying to imagine what threat Billicks could pose to him before finally giving up. "No, I haven't the faintest idea. What does it mean?"

Elwhite shrugged. "That you and I will get along splendidly. But there will inevitably be a speech that begins with 'Now see here!'" The last bit was done in the gruffest voice she could manage, and she jumped a bit when Albanos began chuckling.

"That was a remarkably accurate impression, Ms. Elwhite. You may have missed your calling.”

"You're very kind, but it's quite easy to do, sir. You just have to stop thinking entirely and assume you're the most important person in the area, wherever you are. The rest just comes naturally from there."

She began noticing a relationship between how stressful a situation was and how easy it was to get Albanos to smile. The man was a masochist. Or insane. Maybe both.

"Seriously though, the senior staff won’t be happy about the...candid nature of your speech. How do you intend to deal with them?"

The two stopped in front of the door to the conference room where the faculty was supposed to gather for the post-orientation briefing. "I was hoping I'd think of something on the way over here," he said, fishing a cigarette out from somewhere within his principal's robes, their alleged dignity of office still unable to keep him from stashing a few away in the inner pockets. "That doesn't seem to have worked, so I guess we'll both be surprised."

Flashing Elwhite a grin that made her entirely uncertain if he was serious, he opened the door for her, lit his cigarette, and followed her in. The senior staff had already gathered, and a few of the newer junior faculty members, still idealistic enough to think that punctuality was a good trait to have where faculty meetings were concerned, were lingering around the edges of the room as well.

"Good evening, everyone. I told the students I'd be back to finish speaking to them in about five minutes, so I just came through to get a drink and maybe see how everybody's days have been."

Billicks immediately began storming towards Albanos, his finger pointing and shaking, his face a shade beyond beet red. "NOW SEE HERE! YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO--"

"Stuff it, Billicks," Albanos said, brushing past him and moving towards the table on which the drinks had been laid out. The dean turned to stare at the retreating assassin's back, his mouth opening and closing ineffectually, reminding Elwhite of a landed fish. She tried not to snicker.

"I wasn't out there, of course," said Mr. Lintlow, master of poisons, "but some of the junior faculty who have been running back and forth tell us you shared the rumors of political unrest and potential crackdowns by the castle with the students. Aren't you afraid that might start a panic?"

Albanos finished pouring himself a glass from the water pitcher, sniffed it experimentally, considering who had just objected to his methods, and then turned back to address the room.

"These kids have every right to know what they're getting into. It takes a lot of guts to walk into this school, more guts than brains in most cases. Even if they're ungrateful bastards, they're brave ungrateful bastards, and we were the same way when we were their age. So, we owe them that much, or we will, at least, after the modified curriculum I'm about to put them through. With your help, of course. But, if you must know, here's my reasoning.

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

"It's impossible to keep a secret in this school. If something happens elsewhere in the kingdom, the kids will find out. Our delusions of secrecy will last until the first mail cart arrives. If they hear about it from anyone but us, they will assume, rightly so, that we were trying to hide it. If they think we are trying to hide it, they will think that the situation is worse than it is. The rumors will begin, changing and growing darker each time they pass through another nervous student's ears. Before you know it, we'll have kids fleeing into the countryside or barricaded in their dorm rooms, preparing for the king's army of necromancers and giants to come storming out of the forests riding four-headed monkeys that spit fire."

Everyone blinked at him in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds. All activity in the room had stopped somewhere around "four-headed monkeys."

"Well...you get the idea. Anyway, the students should hear it from us first so that we can prepare them properly. If nothing else, the threat of royal retribution might make them study harder, right?"

There was more blinking and silent processing as the oldest dogs in the academy tried to learn new tricks on the fly, while Ms. Elwhite lost further ground in her battle with stifled laughter.

"I'll leave you all to debate the finer points of four-headed monkey attacks, and I nominate Billicks as discussion leader. I promised the students I would return, and I'm curious to see how many empty seats there are now."

Before anyone could get a word in edgewise or Billicks could regain his ability to speak, Albanos was out the door and headed back to the stage, with Elwhite trailing after him, trying in vain to maintain a straight face—until she was safely down the hall, at least. Albanos turned to her as she caught up with him.

"Why do I get the feeling that you've been assigned to me as a babysitter to make sure I stay out of too much trouble, or at the very least tattle on me after I do?"

"I couldn't say, sir, but it might have something to do with your being a remarkably perceptive individual."

"I figured as much. Here, hold this," he said, slinging the crossbow out from beneath his robes and handing it off to Elwhite. "I'd rather not be tempted to use it onstage again in an even more inappropriate manner this time. It's partly gnomish in design, making it a little unpredictable, so don't put your hand near the trigger. We don't want it getting the wrong idea."

"Are you sure? I thought it was your pride and joy." She held it out at arms length and walked even more carefully after Albanos' warning, as though she were carrying a presently calm but potentially rabid animal.

"Oh yes, I call her Matilda and tell her bedtime stories every night before I tuck her in," he intoned in a sing-song voice as they returned to the stage wing area once more. "It's a crossbow, Ms. Elwhite, not my newborn daughter. I would hope that I could trust one of my deans to hold a crossbow for fifteen minutes without incident?"

"Of course, sir." Elwhite looked a little crestfallen.

"And by the way? Thanks for all this. You've made the ordeal a bit more tolerable. So far, anyway. Now let's hope it stays survivable, too."

He flashed her another grin and stepped out onto the stage, undoing the ties on his principal's robes as he walked. He had it off before he hit center stage, revealing his traveling clothes once more, and returned to sit on his perch at the very front.

He hadn't allowed himself to look out at the audience, keeping his eyes lowered while walking up to the edge. He half expected only a handful of students to remain, which would mean he'd be fired the next day, and back out in the wilderness being hunted like an animal within the week. It had been a good run. At least he’d gotten the chance to bathe properly. Bright side to everything, right? He took a deep breath, held it, and turned his gaze forward. Every seat, except those around Lillith, was still full.

His mouth said, "I'm so glad you all decided to join us."

His brain said, "Oh, thank the gods..."

Then, the rest of him caught up.

"Things are going to be a lot different around here, and it's going to be a lot tougher, but I can promise you one thing. If you can live through having me in charge of your lives, you can live through absolutely anything. So let's get started, shall we?"