My life was a mess and still is…

I was born in Poland right after the 9/11 attacks, my childhood wasn’t particularly interesting. Just a kid that was exploring an abandoned building next to his tenement. Me and others were doing the usual stuff kids without a source of digital distraction do. Racing on bikes and running around getting injured by doing dumb stuff.

By the time I left primary school the old building me and my friends cherished was bought and replaced by a nice modern apartment complex. And just like that building my faith wavered for the first time. Soon after the building my father died of lung cancer. At that moment I was angry and disappointed, after all in European culture we focus on the sad part of death. Despite being christian and knowing my father probably went to a better place. 

I simply couldn’t understand why God would take my parent away, why would the all mighty presence rob me of someone who loved me. All this anger, hate, disappointment that despite being faithful I got robbed by the creature I was venerating. All of these emotions made me cold towards others, I simply lived by the rule “If you don’t have anything smart to say, stay silent” being a dumb teenager I mostly sat in the class in utter silence to the delight of the teacher. 

Seeing adults approve of my behavior although indirectly I doubled down on it. But then came he, to my underaged mind and flawed understanding of the society he was perfect. He had a slender build, while he was quite strong he did not have an aura of danger around him. He was kind to others, I wavered in my determination to stay silent.

I tried opening up perhaps acquiring a bf or atleast a good friend but just like a knowledge you don’t use my ability to communicate disappeared. I simply couldn’t find anything interesting to say and despite looking older than I was, I was very timid at the time. I simply couldn’t find a subject interesting enough to talk about, so most of our interactions were short awkward conversations. Eventually middle school ended. I entered technical school without having contact with any of my former classmates nor to my object of adoration.

I hoped to forget about him but God put me forth through another trial, two super hot dudes in the same class as me. I hoped being as direct as possible would guarantee me getting a bf, this was as it turned out a massive mistake. Because we only met for one class orientation, having no reservations they both shared with the class screenshots of what I offered. The rest of the time were mostly me trying to wiggle my way to at least one of their hearts sadly, neither were interested at all. 

God is merciful but enjoys putting people through trials of faith. When I left technical school and entered uni, war started. My hopes of perhaps dodging the required one year long service in the military were crushed when Belarus killed one of the Polish soldiers at the border, hence indirectly declaring war. I was getting crushed under the weight of my regrets, under all of the pondering about how my life would’ve been better if I did stuff differently. I just zoomed out and entered autopilot, going to classes doing homework and projects for the professors that seemed utterly insane.

When the draft notice came with the usual post, I was violently woken up from my emotionless drive to get through life. I did something very unreasonable, after so much time that has passed since then I think I probably made the dumbest decision I could make. I simply packed up and printed a lot of online guides to learn arabic language, how to survive in the desert and cultural stuff for every country I wanted to cross including my destination which was one poor country where christian missionaries were still active. I simply picked the second closest to Egypt.

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While Poland was in the Schengen treaty I didn’t trust my luck for the border sec to simply let me through. I bought all of my tickets on the train, staying as much as possible out of anything that could recognise me. Some might think this wasn’t that dumb, let me correct them in my infinite wisdom I decided replacing my sim card along and nice smartphone with a very old phone that you could usually buy in train stations or near them. The one I got was damaged so badly that the original sim card was stuck inside making it perfect because the previous owner didn’t remove his name from the register.

Thanks to new regulations all sim cards had to be registered with an id card. To put it simply, now the police, thanks to the new regulations, could find your name easily with just your number. I didn’t tell my family or anyone about this, or if I even left the military or escaped. My journey through the balkans wasn’t eventful, the most exciting part was me having to go through mountains for my first border, I went for Slovakia from Poland. The mountains without a trail were treacherous especially since I attempted to pass while a storm alert was announced. I hoped that with the storm ongoing the border guard would just sit on their asses and do nothing.

By the time I arrived at Turkey I grew quite a long beard and smelled like, ugh don’t get me started on how even a hobo once told me that I smelled. I didn’t try to shower at all, mostly focused on walking to my destination. I even smeared sap and plant juices all over myself to potentially throw off hunting dogs. That part was a bit silly since even under all of that ‘forest’ there was a human that lived on wet tree bark and whatever else he could scavenge in whatever environment he was in.

The border to Turkey was guarded as much as every other I passed illegally through, that is to say not much. The border sec just patrolled the area every once in a while. I passed at 41.9 N 26.5 E coordinates, near a river. I studied maps extensively just for that one crossing, the place where Europe and the Middle East meets. I overestimated by a longshot a border of a country that was mostly at peace. I traveled to Slovakia, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria and finally Turkey. My goal for this part of my journey was Constantinople, I traveled on foot for about 1,6 thousands kilometers, it took me a year and a half just to reach the border. And it would take me up to 4 years just to reach my destination without upsetting anyone who has any sort of power. 

The civilized world was getting away with every step I took, I saw laws from the medieval era. I saw extreme violence caused by the smallest hints of differing opinion. Yet the only one who walked with me, the only one who supported me throughout my life as a wanderer was God. I prayed myself to sleep, finding comfort in an entity that I hated not long ago. Sometimes I even prayed while walking learning new prayers, that priests from villages in the middle of nowhere were more than thrilled to discuss.

I learned and yearned to learn, even when the war that caused my journey ended I continued. I was well past Turkey at that point. I suddenly felt the urge to go to Jerusalem, to the holy land. So I walked through the desert near roads. Many offered me a ride, all were refused, some understood the unbelievable dedication to the pilgrimage while some attempted to sway me, to come with them, to get help, as if I was in need of any help.

I never reached Jerusalem, never did I see the city. Simply one day a drunk driver or whoever else took it upon themselves to remove me from this world. The SUV just tackled me and my malnourished body was thrown with a force that shattered my spine. Dying in a ditch next to a road to the holy land, I was praying in my native tongue, making a makeshift ceremony of absolution and last rites. Fusing the both prayers into one.

“Oh Lord in the Heavens forgive me for I have sinned,

Oh Lord forgive me my sins, grant me passage to the holy kingdom of yours,

Lord purify my sinner’s soul, allow me to shed my mortal cloth without grievances,

Allow my soul to make peace with you.

Oh Lord, I have sinned by not contacting my family when I left, by killing creatures you created, by allowing my fellow humans to get hurt by each other. But most of all of my sins, forgive me my arrogance, for my youthful audacity to see reason.

Oh God almighty, Mary the mother of Jesus,

Please allow me to pass to the heaven”

But I never arrived in the kingdom of terrifying creatures like a bible accurate Seraphim. No, I arrived somewhere else with a mission…