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2.3 - Belonging
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Una's body felt heavy now, but her head still light.
She walked through the quiet hallways of the ship. Saluting half-heartedly where appropriate, less at the faces or people, and more at the badges and insignias that indicted the sorts of person who would cause a fuss if she didn't pay 'due respect'.
She could tell she had taken one or two wrong turns, still not entirely confident on the gargantuan vessel's layout. After what felt like hours, she faced the single doorway into her quarters. It was in no way a mean space; a pilot of her experience would usually expect a shared barracks with others of the same level or alongside the mechanics, grenadiers or engineering staff of the ship - But owing to the small number of pilots aboard the Am-Fluchtig, lieutenant Kolme had explained (in his usual roundabout, rambling way) that all five of them could get higher level accommodation.
Una herself was bequeathed a junior officer's room, with only a single roommate - A woman by the name of 'Cally' who worked night shifts and odd hours as a lesser navigator on the bridge.
'Ha! A room to myself as good as a junior bridge officer's quarters.
A nice plush bed with a suppressor field - No sleeping bag bolted to the wall for me! A desk and terminal keyed just to me, Me! Not Shasha or Hikari but me…'
She felt that sickening lurch of vertigo and half stumbled into the room, grabbing the far poster of the bunk bed that took up most of the room for support. Her breathing came heavy now, even more so than during the simulation, but more than that, her head hurt.
That migraine feeling one gets - As though being stabbed by a red-hot poker above the left eye. Searing flames behind your skull, gnawing and biting at your mind as the anxiety swirls and claws all around you, making it harder and harder and harder to think straight to--
Una clutched at her face and again felt the vertigo engulfing her fully this time; she floated down to her knees, still clutching the bed-post with one hand and her head with the other - Her eyes glued shut as though trying to keep the outside world at arm's length.
'Hard, Hard, Hard, Hard! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, Shit! How can I be it? If they all died so easily, then what about me? I had my first mecha stolen by a prisoner!
Am-- ...am I gonna die the first time I go out there? H-how am I meant to face that?
I'd have been better off facing a false court-material than this. They only choose me because I'm all that's left? How can Hikari be dead, I talked to her two days ago, there on a ship right next to this one! How could I not feel it? Not know Nada and Nevin had died out there. A whole ship sunk, and I didn’t even know? Hikari must have been brought back here, must of died here; if I’d known, could I have gone to her? Could I have hugged her, stopped her from doing…doing that?!
What sort of ridiculous system is this!? How could they all die like that?
I'm going to die.'
----
A gentle rap sounded from the doorway behind her. Una couldn't tell for sure how long she had knelt there for, but the sound was enough to bring her back, if only for a moment. She stood up, brushing at her face with the sleeve of her uniform.
Miss Hoki stood in the doorway;
"Una... Una, get some sleep and take the rest of the day off. Second Crewman Conchabhair, that's a direct order, alright? So just try not to think too hard about it ok? And if you can't sleep... Then, spend the time unpacking your things. And Una, come talk to me, if you want to, that is,” Hoki said, nodding to the unopened pack bags laying at the foot of Una's bed.
Not forcing a reply, Hoki made to leave, stopping just outside the door to look over her shoulder;
"Oh, and Una, for what it’s worth, I didn't pick you just because you're the only one left. You might think I'm just saying this, and if so, I can't stop you from believing what you will, but it wasn't just for that. Your scores were low, but the classroom isn't everything. I saw it in you; you could adapt no matter which simulator or practice machine you used. You would always perform nearly the exact same, consistently with identical scores, low or not.
It was the same yesterday with how fast you adapted to the Neo-C. You may not realise it, but that adaptability is remarkable, like a metronome for Vijaik piloting.
Even Sabban would take longer to learn the ins and outs of a new machine, but you just seem to know. Instinctively almost, or more likely because of how hard I know you work for it."
"Yes, I picked you and Sabban and Cadet Unit B because I wanted to try and make up for something; I would be lying if I said I don't feel responsibility for those who've died and grief over Hikari and the others - So many of them we're students I helped train, people I partially encouraged to join this war - But mostly Una, I choose you because I wanted to be able to depend on that reliably and bravery, the girl who stayed behind in a doomed base, to rescue a prisoner of war. Even if that didn't work out so well, you are still a better pilot than you know. Your grief is even fresher than mine, as soldiers were expected to just keep going, even when a whole boatload of our comrades dies in a single act of poor judgement, even when the classmates we laughed and cried alongside fall away beside us. I don’t know how to teach you to cope with that, but I trust you Una, I know you can become a pilot they’d be proud of.”
With that, the door slid to a close.
****
To her surprise, Una actually found sleep came readily, if a little broken.
After a few hours, the sound of someone else wandering around the room lifted the hazy rest from her. Realising it to be the footsteps of her roommate, Miss Cally, Una opted to fain continued sleep until the other woman had left.
She figured now that Cally must have been asleep since before Una had even entered the room, causing her a little embarrassment at not having noticed the habitation's other occupant - Who had presumably been there during Hoki's conversation with her.
'I really should ask for her full name... And apologise for the commotion if she heard it.'
Awake now, Una found herself staring at the underside of the top bunk. Exhaustion from the day's events had helped her at first, but now it became apparent any further sleep would be a strain. Above her, she focused her attention on the faint glow of the suppressor field. Of course, these small units that allowed for artificial gravity had been around and readily available for decades. However, the cost of running such a thing made them a luxury. This in mind they could be found in the officer's block, the canteen and residential block bathrooms. If you were an enlisted individual, however, the old ways still held: In the hangar or engine areas, toilets still functioned not all that dissimilar to how the first space pioneers had used them. Moreover, the gym, which all crewmates were mandatorily obliged to use to make up for the effects of living without continuous gravity - Was still filled with exercise machines that required one to strap themselves in to partake in any given activity.
Power conservation could also be seen throughout the ship, with every living space having automated lights. Simple measures like the bathroom taps with their sensors and, of course, the continued use of traditional doors as-a-versed to electronic ones where possible.
Power was a luxury on such a large warship.
'And yet here I am, a proper bed with blankets and a normal pillow.'
Getting out of the bed, Una wandered over to the window, which in itself was an oddity - There was nothing much to look at, just the empty blackness of space - For all she knew, it might as well have just been an intricate painting of nothing.
She took a deep breath, attempting to clear her mind of all these abstract considerations. By her wrist-handheld's count, it was a little after supper time. Around when ordinarily she would have finished the day's tasks according to a schedule which had been forwarded by Miss Hoki during her sleep (along with a number of other documents that were probably intended to explain her day-to-day duties and help her settle in as a pilot - Clearly she was now on the ship’s systems for real).
Speaking of Hoki, Una decided it best to try and follow the older woman's advice and begin unpacking her belongings in a half-hearted attempt to distract herself from early revelations - The thought of going to dinner seemed unappealing according to the knots currently residing in her stomach. If she didn’t start doing something soon, she was pretty sure her mind would start feeling the full impact of Cadet Unit B’s fate…
The box room she found herself in possession of, had a single door, in front of which were the two layered single beds. On the wall opposite lay mirroring wardrobes, with chester drawers built-in beneath them.
Finally, along the length of the walls on either side were identical tables, with shallow under-draws and a stocky bookshelf of sorts to one side, divided into four part sections - As well the faint outline of a circle on the floor that, when pressured would unfurl into a stool next to the table.
The whole room was very symmetrical to be blunt, the only deviations being the aforementioned door to one side and the window on the wall opposite the doorway.
Una soon realised that appearances were deceiving. The table and wardrobe were (if one looked) quite clearly bolted to the walls - And the bookshelves, as well as shallow indented cubbies in the walls next to the beds - Had seatbelt like straps to prevent whatever the occupant decided to place in them from floating away.
Indeed it didn't take much to find a reminder of the gravity-less environment they called home all around, even in a nice room such as this.
With these musings keeping her mind busy, Una set about her task. She had with her just three bags - Knapsacks really - One of which she had partially unpacked on her first day, removing from it the clothes she wore now.
Now, she removed the rest from both it and a second of the trio, folding them neatly into the chester-draws at the bottom of the room. She tentatively opened the main wardrobe to find Sabban had been right in his predictions of piloting gear here. It hung on a hanger and was clearly brand new. The days of the bulky space suits with their massive doomed helmets had long since passed - Instead, now a pilot could expect a near skin-tight contraption, though with adapters at the back for more significant air canisters that could be found spread throughout the ship for cases of emergency.
The thinner suits had moved a long way forward in temperature control and air distribution methods. Una couldn't help but feel a slight pang of shameful pride at the expensive-looking model - With the thin gloves and the sturdy but lightweight boots - And the very finest in climate control for the high temperatures involved with Vijaik combat. Then a thought crossed her mind, and she whispered it to herself shakily, “Had Hikari been wearing one of these? Or did those three even get a chance to get changed before being deployed…”
Una quickly finished unpacking her own articles: A single set of daytime wear, her maintenance overalls, spare undergarments and the like - Before moving on to the final bag. First was a small stuffed animal toy, a viver or perhaps a fox, which Una smiled gently towards.
Memories of her teenage days, of being so vexed whenever her mother had snuck the small toy into the bottom of her travel bag - As though to deliberately embarrass her in front of friends - Flooded over her. Now, she felt no shame in placing the small plush on one of the bedside indents in pride of place. Alongside it, she also lay two photographs. The old-fashioned kind, physically printed onto special film-like paper with a wooden frame - Rather than the far more conventional holographic type regularly used these days.
The two keepsakes were of her on a visit to her aunt's family as a child - Consisting of her grandmother, gran-aunt and her uncle - Along with a similar one from her younger days at home, surrounded by her mother, father and little sister.
'All that's gone now', Una thought wistfully.
She tepidly laid a photo of her academy year group in her desk drawer, attempting not to dwell on it. Aside from some scant pieces of stationary, which she also stowed into the desk's under drawer, the last contents of the bag was a small collection of books. Like the photographs, they were physical prints, all of which seemed to have seen some usage.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
The selection was a little eclectic, although that seldom bothered Una. She used two of the small bookshelve’s four blocks to divide the books. Putting the thinner manuals and paperbacks she had acquired over the years on the top left and the more recreational ones to the right.
As she reached across to grab the last two, which had lain waiting on the far edge of the table - She realised they'd been moved and glanced around to see the perpetrator.
'He moves like a ghost!
In front of her stood none other than 1st Lt Kolme Nilas, 'Acting' Fluchtig combat commander, mech team leader and, her boss. Who had, unbeknownst to Una, entered the room and stood quietly reading the blurb on the back of the two books, one in each hand.
"I didn't know ya had such good taste, newbie!" He proclaimed after noticing her stare.
Una again moved on instinct, standing up straight and bringing her hand to a salute, 'He must be furious about me getting all upset like that earlier. What sort of a soldier am I or what?!'
"Just, err, umm, well, you know, passing by, I guess," Kolme mumbled awkwardly.
Una stared at the older man, wondering what exactly was the appropriate answer to such an odd remark;
"Sir?"
Kolme, for his part, broke into a smile, "Yes, well, really though 'The Adventures of Inspector Pullman and Sergeant Standing', talk about a classic girl. And this one here looks to be a first edition even!?"
"It... it was my father's, sir, that one I mean. I bought the second one in an old antics shop in Bannerman," Una added meekly.
"In Bannerm'n, eh? You don't mean the old pawn-shop-looking place on 13th road, do ya?!" Kolme blurted, excitement betrayed in his voice.
Una nodded hesitantly. The old shop had sold a bit of everything and had been the most convenient place to find physical prints of older books back in her academy days - Although the other members of her cadet squad had always chided her for it.
"I bet you met the old woman who runs it then?"
Una nodded again. She had indeed met the kind older lady in the shop who seemed to sell just about anything. Kolme seemed oddly pleased by this knowledge;
"Ha! And what a 'gal she is, ain't no one better to find somen' rare on Abhaile. I mean, books are hard enough to come by these days, but especially on Abhaile. To be fair, they don't have much in the way a' forests, so everything has gotta' be imported, but that old woman seems able to find just about anything.
I'll tell ya this much: it used to be a lot easier to get your hands on books before IAFS. Now, we don't ever get to take leave on Bhaile. 'Tis a real pain, ya know Rookie?"
Una struggled to find the correct answer, wondering if all this blatant rambling was some elaborate form of reprimand. She had certainly known officers who liked to trip up their subordinates with off-topic questions;
"Ummm, Sir?" She hazarded warily.
To his credit, Kolme appeared to realise the nature of his rant had been a bit unheeded; "Ah-h, right. You say it's from your Pa? Did he leave you a lot?"
“I...well, not really. T-the gas didn't... didn't really leave much..." - The question had taken Una off guard in its bluntness. If this was a dressing-down, then it was a callous way to do so.
To her relief, Kolme seemed to realise the landmine question he had just asked, "Sorry lass that was insensitive of me, guess I got carried away, ha-ha..."
Una nodded glad to be free of going into it any further…
[When a Nation-State suffers deliberate damage to its air supply, the corrupted air has nowhere to go: This, in most cases, results in the damage of all possessions, meaning that although the country inside the station may look undamaged, in reality, every brick of every house, the seems of each page in a book, the fallen leaves on the roadsides - All can carry dangerous traces of the poisonous substances used in such attacks.
Therefore while bodies may decompose at a slower pace and properties may look untouched, neither are recoverable without great personal expense - Past that which most individuals can afford--]
Those words, as listed in the letter she had received that fateful day, now moved to the forefront of her mind.
"But really though," Kolme added deliberately to break her from such thoughts, "It's a great series this, your ahem - Your old man must have had a good eye for stories."
"He..um, he liked ones like that, where they always win at the end," Una said meekly.
Kolme almost 'hummed' with approval;
"A man after my own heart, I'd say. Nothing wrong with a happy ending - In stories anyway. I actually used to have the first four volumes of this in hardback and with the author's signatures!" He decreed a little too proudly.
Una stared blankly at the man, "Four?"
"Hmmm? Ya four. There were more than that, too mind you, I lost them all when the Mont-Blanc sank. Damn shame too, was some good stuff back in my old digs. Any'ow - You really never read the third one? I'd say it's the best of da' lot. They finally get around to the secret of Pullman's da and the-- Well anyway, it's worth a read if you like that kinda' thing," as Kolme finished talking, he lay the two volumes he'd been perusing down gingerly on the edge of the table where'd they originated from, moving his now free hand to scratch the back of his head.
Una plucked up her courage. If this was some sort of elaborate hazing, she'd just have to face what came of it - The promise of a third book was too much not to ask about;
"Ummm, well, I got the first one back at auntie's; actually, she's really my gran-aunt. After...after the station 5 attack I was pretty, ummm low. I just used to sit on her veranda most of the day. She has this little white dog that used to come sit with me. Err, anyway, one day, she just put this pile of books next to me and said I should have them.
Never mentioned them again after that, and I'm not really great at reading - They call it 'dyslexia', I think. That's why Miss Hoki got me all these textbooks back in school --"
The words now flowing, Una gestured loosely at the left side of her newly stocked bookshelf. Hoki had indeed tracked them down for Una during her short-lived academy days, and it remained a core reason for her admiration towards the former instructor - The books had helped a lot, although reading them still felt like work. All reading took great effort for Una, but reading her father's collection had, in a sense helped her to better make her own way through physical writing more so than the standardised digital;
"-- I only had the one from that series, but it's my favourite from Dad's collection. A-and then when I saw the second one in that old shop. Well, that is to say, I didn't know there was any more of them..."
'Why am I telling him all this? He's a borderline stranger. He didn't "order" me to say anything.'
For his part, Kolme smiled kindly, scratching again at the back of his head in much the same manner she'd seen Sabban do since arriving on the ship;
"I might've lost the original copies, but I managed to get an omnibus edition of the first three books. You're welcome to read it if you'd like."
His offer made the lieutenant fumbled in his pockets briefly before tossing over a small, foe-brass door key. Una easily caught it in the minimal-gravity environment, offering Kolme a quizzical glance.
"Everyone's got one, 'sept Scarlet but I never lock the door anyway - What idiot would be dumb enough to try steal from the ship's second highest ranking officer!"
The man said before bursting into a fit of laughter at his own statement - Laughter that Una couldn't help but note seemed to be mostly in disbelief at his own ranking aboard the Fluchtig, rather more than anything else.
"Take whatever ya want. If I'm reading somen' it'll be by the bed; the rest's free. If you want to, that is. Though, like I said, not as much there as there once was and most of its random gardening and 'istory books these days".
Una nodded respectfully while pocketing the little key. It seemed apparent now that this conversation was not a grilling, seemingly the opposite even. It felt downright friendly.
"Umm, how come you have old type books? Sir."
"Hmm? Ah well, I wouldn't say it's anythin' like your dy-lex-i-wats-it. Ha-ha no more that I'm just an old man, I suppose. I knew someone long ago, reckoned any soldier who weren't readin' in his downtime weren't worth his own weight in battle. Said we should always be keeping the old brain-box a-tickin' one way or another, and for me, he reckoned reading was the best way for that. And well, those yokes --" he beckoned his head at the small electronic screen mounted to Una's wrist;
"-- not as many of them back during The First War. They existed, mind you - I ain't that old - but weren't much good if you were in a trench in the lashing rain, ye're ears strained permanently for the slightest sound. Errm anyways, books is good I reckon, she used to agree... Might be worth asking Scarlet too, well maybe."
He finished, seemingly realising he had moved out on a tangent once more.
Una looked up doubtfully, to which Kolme grinned, "Heh, she ain't just a pretty face that one - She has more smarts than me, that's for sure. My collection is pretty random, I'm afraid. 'Read anything you can get your hands on. Gardening, mechanics or fiction - As long as you're always reading' - That's what my old Gaffer used to say, but Scarlet, well who knows what she might have squirrelled away."
With this final recommendation made, Kolme turned to make for the door, stopping just short,
"You, ah, fellin' a bit better after sleeping. Ahem, about 'all that'?"
'He really did come here just to see if I'm alright? What sort of senior officer does that? A needy NCO maybe but for him just to come back to look in on me?' Una felt inclined to laugh but instead did her best to smile, saluting once again;
"Yes Sir, sorry about earlier, Sir".
Kolme stood for a moment studying her features, the faint curving of the lips in what he identified as a forced front - The pained look in the young Rookie's eyes. Kolme stopped silent for a few moments, studying this false complexion of stoicism;
"Is that why you're here, Una-lass? Why you became a soldier I mean, for your Da'?"
Una's heart fell - 'Is he trying to say he doesn't think I'm cut out for this career? Then again, if the other died, then am I?' - "I-i'm not sure I follow what you mean, Sir?"
Sighing a little, Kolme nodded and pulled open the door, "Course, ignore my silly ramblings. Ah-right, let me know if anythin' changes or if you, err, want a book. Oh, and Rookie, it's a little late, but for what it’s still worth - Welcome aboard."