Later that afternoon, Granny declared me fit enough to, “Get the hell out of my house!” Apparently the girls she’s been teaching have been driving her crazy, and she’s adopted a strict open door policy – her door is always open, so everybody should feel free to use it for an exit!
Leaving Granny’s house, I didn’t make the mistake of glancing into her other sick room. I didn’t see some wild one-eyed guy strapped to the bed, jerking and spasming wildly, as three of the young apprentices cut his chest open and extracted organs. I didn’t see the expression which begged for someone to end him now.
NOPE! NEVER HAPPENED. I NEVER SAW ANY OF THAT!!
If I did, I don’t think I’d ever be able to sleep soundly again. I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable around a healer again. It never happened. I was just feeling excited to leave, and that’s why I rushed out of the house like a madman. I was just getting some exercise. That’s all.
And, after spending several moments to calm my excited heart from exercising so suddenly, I realized that Jewel and Red were huddled tightly together whispering and giggling madly to each other -- Jewel still just as naked outside as she had been inside! Feeling the eyes of the world upon us, I shoved them both back towards Granny’s door. “Get in there and put one of her patient shirts on for now, at least!”
“We’re going. We’re going,” Jewel giggled, tugging Red right behind her back into the house.
I swear, women are crazy! Praise the gods, I’m thankful I’m not an old man anymore. If I was, my heart would’ve gave out from all the shocks it’s had today, and I’d be working on telling the story of my third life.
Of course, if I was an old man, I probably wouldn’t be dealing with this damn annoying bulge in the front of my pants rubbing everything the wrong way with every damn step I took! I tell ya, its always something…
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In my third life, I was born Tommy Dazedman. The third child of Al Waze Dazedman, I was a plain guy with absolutely no comprehension of women. Growing up, I happily became gay…
At least, that’s what my poor heart was screaming, as my brain melted to worthless mush, when both girls came swaying out of the house again, giggling insanely to each other and holding hands; not a care, nor concern, in the world.
Red – and I wasn’t even that shocked by it anymore – was, for some unfathomable reason, completely topless once again. Jewel, however, was the one who broke my brain. Dressed in an ultra-short black miniskirt, wearing a black shawl with white lace trimming, she sashayed her hips provocatively from side to side, rocking the black stiletto sandals which laced all the way up to her knees.
“How? What? Who?” I couldn’t force my gaze from Jewel, and my mind wasn’t working. My jaw hung open, and I’m certain I looked every bit the mindless idiot I felt I was.
Giggling wildly, Jewel let go of Red’s hand. Holding her arms out wide, she rotated slowly for two full turns, making certain I had a good view of everything. Then, laughing gaily, Jewel twirled rapidly in her best Wonder Woman spin several times – the skirt lifting up from the wind, and the shawl sliding sideways, to reveal everything.
And that’s when my brain simply fell out my ear, and I was reborn as Tommy Dazedman forevermore in my own mind.
When Jewel almost lost her balance from such vigorous spinning, Red tossed herself forward and wrapped her arms around her, attempting to catch her. Both girls sank to their knees laughing wildly, as I just stood there looking like a complete idiot.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
After needing several moments to compose themselves and get their laughter under control – my brain was still helplessly broken – Jewel got up and calmly readjusted her shawl so it was properly back in place in the front. Swaying forward, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me passionately. “Like it?” Jewel asked, fluttering her eyelashes furiously at me, her arms still wrapped tightly around my neck; soft blue eyes staring passionately into my soul.
“Uggghhh.” My mind was still broken. At least it was working enough I wasn’t drooling. At least, I hope I wasn’t.
“There was a fairy in Granny’s house,” Jewel stated, as if that explained everything.
“Uggghhh.” My mind was still broken.
“I traded my tunic to it,” Red explained. “The fairy wanted to figure out now it made me a boy without magic.”
Uggghhh.” My mind was still broken.
“You’re not mad at us are you?” Jewel asked, fluttering her lovely eyelashes outrageous again.
Uggghhh.” My mind was still broken.
“Mi’Lord? Mi’Lord?” Red was up close now, staring at my face as well. “Are you okay?”
Uggghhh.” My mind was still broken.
“Granny!! I think something’s wrong with Tomas!”
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After a clean bill of health from Granny, and several shots of whiskey from the tavern, my mind finally started to work somewhat again. We were all sitting at a table, with Joseph directly across from me, and Red to my left, with Jewel on the right.
“So you’ve got a lot of catching up to do, don’t ya, boy?” Sipping at a honey mead, Joseph was smiling while staring at the two girls, and talking to me.
“Everything’s so different,” I griped, nursing my third whiskey. “What the hell happened in town while we were gone, Joe?”
“All ‘ell broke loose,” Joseph declared, raising his glass in a toast, then swigging it dry. “Some rough look fellows showed up outside the tavern, and Granny tried to tell them to get out of town. They didn’t take kindly to her acting like that, so they knocked her plumb across the street.
“I saw the whole thing from right in here, in my tavern,” Joseph muttered, getting up and going over to the bar to pull himself another draft. “Some youngster showed up out of nowhere after that, and the whole town went dark. It was blacker than the inside of a witch’s asshole in here,” Joseph whispered, turning up his mug and draining half of it, before coming back over and plopping back down with us.
“Started killing everyone outside, he did after that,” Joseph shuddered. “I rightly can’t say exactly what set him off, but one of those rough looking men pounced over and jumped on top of Granny, stabbing her over and over to death!”
“He killed Granny Jean?” I could feel my brain breaking again. I thought the young woman was Granny Jean, somehow??
“I dunno,” Joseph shook his head side to side, in confusion. “A whole bunch of fairies showed up around that time, and trees and flowers burst up out of the middle of the damn street. Everything went completely damn crazy, and everybody hid in here until all the screaming and crying stopped outside,
“By the time we’d worked up the courage to go out and see what the hell had happened, the killer guy was gone, as were the rough looking guys. Granny Jean was all young, like you see her now, and all those young ladies were bouncing around collecting samples and trying, “to make everything all better.”
“What the hell?” Blinking several times, it was all I could think to say.
“What the hell!” A cheer rose up from Joseph and all the other patrons inside the inn, with everyone taking a drink all together. Apparently ‘what the hell’ had now became the tavern’s new motto.
“Granny’s a priestess of Life,” Jewel said, taking a small sip of her wine. “From what I understand from the girls, they all came here to learn from her. Apparently it’s a great honor, as she’s very close to the goddess. All of those girls gave up their whole lives to study under her. One of them is even a princess from somewhere far away,” Jewel shrugged, calmly taking another sip.
“Apparently one of those men were a ‘bad man’, and he’d offended the Lady Life. Or Granny. Or maybe both of them,” Jewel shrugged. “Anyway, he’s got Life’s blessing now – he can’t die. Granny’s using him to…”
“LA LAA LAA!!” Raising my voice as loud as I could, I stuck both my fingers into my ears. “Granny’s using him to pick flowers and make honey,” I assured everyone all around.
“Pick flowers and make honey,” Joseph nodded, turning pale and shivering just like I was.
“Picking flowers and making honey,” was the cry that echoed around the tavern, as everyone took another long swig of whatever they were drinking. A few people got up and went over to the bar to refill their mugs themselves.
Jewel just laughed lightly, apparently not bothered by the guy picking flowers and making honey in Granny’s other sickroom, as she lifted her wineglass and sipped a bit with us all.
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After several more drinks, and catching up on all the latest news in the town itself, the three of us left the tavern and slowly walked back towards my home. I was curious why nobody at all had even mentioned Red running around topless, but after hearing about all that’d happened recently, I understood. Everybody was so shell shocked, nothing as plain as a girl’s breasts could have a real impact on them – not even a girl’s as beautiful as Red.
Animals all over town had died. Everybody had been frightened out of their wits. The bandits had died and disappeared. Granny had went from old and crotchety to young and even more crotchety.
Some of the farmer women have always been known to pull off their tops while working in the hot summer heat, though none had ever walked around town like Red, or dressed like Jewel was. But, after all of the other changes the town had undertaken, nobody even batted an eye over such a minor detail as what clothes – or lack of clothes – somebody else was wearing. It was simply a trivial matter anymore.
I was just hoping it’d be just as trivial to sort things out at home, with my parents, but I was certain that it wasn’t going to be.