I ignored the notification while attempting to piece together what had happened. One moment there were three goblins, and the next thing I knew, there was a whole damn band of the not so merry bastards. And how did a rock supposedly “kill me”? I didn’t feel anything, not even a tickle. You’d assume getting beaned in the noggin would at least cause some discomfort. Hell, now that I considered it, those gashes that I received at the fetid hands of that Crotch Goblin hardly hurt either.
No pain, or almost no pain, even though what’s his name said “owch means owch” when he was talking about some synaptic bullcrap. I distinctly remember him saying something about being prepared for pain, but so far I have experienced little more than the sting of a paper cut. Fuck yes, that’s a sure sign this is a dream! I just have to wait until I wake up. That has got to be it!
Heartened by my self-confirmation, I pleasantly concentrated on the notification and selected to be respawned at the nearest “shrine”, figuring coming back to a graveyard sounded grim. My attempt to activate the option was ineffective. The only reaction I seemed to get was a weird “plunk” sound occasionally when I squinted and focused at the selection. Mildly annoyed, I focused even harder on the prompt, mentally muttering to myself “shrine… shrine… this is boring. Take me to the damn shrine already”.
I was about to just give up and select the “graveyard” when the only stimuli I had disappeared, the prompt burst. Literally, it broke, shattering into an uncountable number of dusty fragments, which dissolved into the vast nothingness I found myself in. If I hadn’t previously gone through a roller coaster ride of emotions, I might have been more freaked out by the idea of floating through a void of absent space. With this dream, it was pretty par for the course, though.
I attempted to sigh and then realized I couldn’t exhale or inhale. Shit! Was I choking on vomit?! Did I OD somewhere!? I was trying to scream when another prompt came up to fill the nothingness, this time in a bright orange text on a white background:
Synchronization Error : E3911
Resolution: Re-initializing neural link protocol, please wait.
Feeling a sensation like being on a bus that got brake checked, I was once again in darkness, but this moment was different. I was laying down; I think. It was hard for me to move my body. Like I recognized what my fingers were from an academic perspective, but had never used them.
I only knew three things for sure. First it was freaking dark again wherever the hell this was, second I was wet, like soaked, and finally I had something tickling the crap out of my esophagus. Blinking a few times, I tried repeatedly to move anything, my arms, my legs, even my toes, or to just move my head but I couldn’t feel if they were responding. I attempted to struggle, but the overpowering smell of lavender and fresh linen distracted me. I struggled to mutter an exclamation in response, but between my sore throat and the strange lazy sensation that was coursing suddenly through me, I think I was going to pass…
I blinked in confusion, trying to get over the addled feeling in my brain. It felt like I had a Xanax hangover. Looking around, I found myself once again sitting in the damn hippy meditation pose approximately where I had supposedly “died”.
I knew it had to be the same place because I saw a familiar patch of blackberry vines and a slightly bloated humanoid lower form laying before me. I distinctly recall the little fucker had started a fight, and it forced me to defend myself. And that’s… all I could remember.
Forcing myself up, I glanced around noticing it was now a bright dawn. At least I think it was dawn? Had I just passed out on the trail? Remembering the goblin’s marks, I peered down at my leg to survey the damage. Maybe I lost consciousness from infection and had some sort of pitched fever dream? Looking down, I could see that the limb was perfectly intact. Thinking that perhaps I had misremembered, I lifted my pants and checked my other leg as well, seeing no apparent harm.
Shrugging slightly, I figured it must have been just another weird thing in this whole crazy dream, and pledged to put it out of my mind. I rose to walk on the path once again, ignoring the stirring hunger that roiled in my stomach until I saw the envelope icon flashing in the corner of my vision. Out of curiosity, I quickly focused on it, thinking that the notification symbol flashing in my periphery was annoying and needed to go.
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I didn’t even read the notifications, something about “error” and “patron notified” but I honestly didn’t give a damn. I was so bereft of “giving a damn” that I was utterly incapable of realizing how apathetic I truly was. Despite having apparently passed out right here on the trailhead, I was exhausted.
I was… drained. Emotionally and physically. I… was staring at a dead body. It set in that I was looking at a gorishly emulsified lifeless carcass. One I was responsible for, something I had killed. Slumping to the ground, a realization came to my mind. If Richard dusted that weed, what is this thing? Did I just kill someone?... Did I just kill something human? Another one of those damnable text windows interrupted the incomprehensible horror of my potential deeds:
Skill acquired: Lamentation
You really take that brooding thing to the next level, don’t ya buddy? While most engage in meditations to regain health, and mana, you instead have lamentations! I’d say good job, but honestly, watching you be this depressed is bringing even me down.
*Recover HP and MP over time when engaged in lamentation.
**Hunger bar progression rate decreases at twice its normal value when lamenting.
***Tears increase dehydration while increasing HP and MP recovery inversely.
I stared at the message uncaring; I wanted to sleep. I wanted to wake up to something else; I wanted… to not feel this anymore.
!!!!!!!!
Ahmed was sitting at the breakfast table, doing his best to not overhear his cousin’s pleading with Khalu Chashida Khan. It was Thursday and the first day of the month, so Mandeep was probably begging for help with rent again.
Ahmed wasn’t sure who he felt worse for, his cousin Mandeep for being such a fuck up or his poor uncle Chashida who kept having to bail him out. Once the conversation was over, he could hear his relative tromping toward the kitchen, graceful as always.
As Mandeep entered, Ahmed raised his spoon in a faux salute. “So let me guess, you got fired again, huh?”
In response Mandeep just shrugged before muttering “My manager was a racist bastard, just trying to put me down.”
Ahmed snorted as he reached for another bite of his cereal. “Dude, that’s what you say every time you get fired.”
“That’s cause they’re all racist, I should move back to Australia and just let Ammi and Abba marry me off. This entire country is fucked.”
Not wanting to get into this conversation for the hundredth time, Ahmed quickly scooped up the last of his cornflakes. He could barely hold back his remark that Mandeep would still need to get a job, and keep it no matter which country they were in.
As he deposited the bowl and spoon into the sink, he turned around to inform Mandeep of his latest appointment. “Ummmmm… speaking of jobs. I got a special assignment, that’s going to have me out of the house for a while. So don’t trash the place ok?”
“Out of the house?... Dude, your a full stack developer I don’t even get why you have to leave the house at all. You should be able to do that tippety typety math shit at home.”
Ahmed leaned against the counter as he debated how to explain this and finally opted for the honest approach. “I’m stuck babysitting some VIP. They have a new test program going on and they want a developer on hand for immediate troubleshooting.”
“So what, you need to like set up a desk by someones immersion pod or something? Just stare at a screen for hours on end?” Mandeep queried.
“Nope… I am going to end up in a virtual office observing the twerp directly. I’ll be sticking it out in an immersion pod as well for the next three weeks… at least.” Ahmed sighed warily thinking about how long this assignment could theoretically go on for.
“Owch, that sucks man. Want a tip? Do what I do!” Mandeep waved his arms ceremoniously to punctuate the next words “Tell them you have low blood sugar!”
Ahmed’s head slumped as Mandeep continued “Tell your bosses you’ll need out several times a day for a snack, they’ll surely see it as too much hassle and reassign you. They can’t fire you for medical reasons, I read that somewhere.”
“You lazy idiot, that’s only if it doesn’t interfere with the job itself. I can get leeway if I can still perform the core functions of my job, it’s not a do what I want free card. And no, I am not pretending to have a serious health condition. That’s not cool, man.”
Mandeep just shrugged before Ahmed also quickly noted “And that means I’d have to eat more often, I don’t need any reason there. I don’t even have a kid and I am getting serious ‘dad bod’.” He didn’t mention that the pod’s provide everything a body needs to survive, low blood sugar or not. So while he appreciated Mandeep’s desire to help, he knew his cousin’s lazy schemes weren’t going to work.
Ahmed quickly departed the kitchen as he noticed his phone was going off in the other room. Rushing to pick it up before the call went to voicemail, he hastily pressed the green “accept” button.
“Ahmed?” a concerned voice said urgently. “Sir, we need you to come in immediately. We’re not sure what happened, but it looks like test user 1042069 just lost connection with their instance. Sir, we had to reboot the whole UI and synaptic link.”
Ahmed felt his cornflakes turn on him as he realized which user code that was. Frustrated he could only think “The fuck had Billy done now?”