A modern Hydra's woes

That every morning eventually devolved into chaos was a given with five heads. It did not matter how hard Alv tried to be prepared even though he was the first, the alpha, the one who should be in charge.

A slim beam of light basked the room in the early reds of morning. He raised his tired eyelids, knowing all too well that the alarm would go off sooner than he liked it too. Peeking past the stubby horn on his snout, he read the dull red digital clock. “5:29 am” He rolled back around, trying to enjoy the last minute of silence.

The numbers jumped, and the clock started blaring the newest scalepop hit single.

Gary, the left most head sighed in a deep grumble as he tried to take control of their front arm, but Alv fought his twitching. “What maniac woke us this damn early?”

“Rise and shine, good morning,” Sam, the head between Gary and Alv chirped along to the happy beat of ‘A thousand silver scales’ “I remember, Alv got that job interview today.” He turned to face the rightern heads. “So wake up, sleepyheads, we gotta get going.”

“Our job interview.” A collective groan carried through the small bedroom as four heads ambled awake, yawning in near unison until Alv finally allowed Gary to turn off the alarm with a whack of his pfod. However, four yawns were one yawn shy of completion. “Kevin,” Orion, right most head, mumbled, “wake up.”

He showed no reaction, being able to sleep even though an entire concert with ease. Orion grabbed his head by a horn with his jaw, lifted him a few centimeters and dropped him.

Kevin jolted awake. “I’m up. What is happening, house on fire? Wasn’t me this time, was it? Did I miss anything, good morning?”

They collectively scratched that morning itch on their belly as they rose from the pillows. Alv had to fight for every singular step of each of their four legs until finally they stood in the hallway. “Great,” he mumbled, “Waking up in a mere five minutes. Must be some record for us.”

“Speak for yourself. I want to cast a vote to get back in,” Gary said and Kevin nodded.

“Not today. We have places to be.” The heads groaned once more.

The first place to be, much to Alv’s dismay because he and Sam preferred breakfast first, was the washroom. Spearheaded by Orion, they stopped in front of the mirror to admire his head in particular. “Does it look like I have bags under my eyes? My scales look horrid.” He snatched away control of their body to open the cabinet and pull out a balm.

Sam snaked his head past Alv and Kevin to join the rather small rectangular mirror. “No, you look as good as always, and besides, we have not even showered yet. Stop going all beauty queen.”

“Guys, remember that we are on a time-limit this morning,” Alv said and forced their body away from the mirror and towards the tiled shower stall.

“We have to look presentable to our future employer, though.” Orion pulled back to the mirror, but only his head and long neck stayed as Alv forced their body away.

“He is not wrong this time,” Gary said, “But keep that balm and powder on your side.”

Alv pulled the shower curtain close, forcing Orion back into the cubicle with them as it reached his neck. He reached upwards for the faucet and trembled as four minds tried to force their way into their front limb. “Guys, not today,” was all Alv managed to say before the bickering started.

“You righties always want to boil us.” Gary pushed past and faced Orion.

“Maybe it is because we are already awake when we get there. I don’t need a cold shower.”

“Can’t we compromise?” Sam chirped. “First cold, then hot?”

“I call for a vote,” Gary said.

“I’d be willing to vote hot if somebody brushes my head,” Sam said.

Alv peeked at the clock in the corner. Every morning the same discussion. He hated voting, so the vote would be a 50:50 split. Their heated discussion continued, asking for favors of various kinds to turn their vote to the opposing side.

Perhaps it was time for an executive decision. Alv was the supreme head. Kevin, unbothered by the bickering, took the prolonged discussion to make his own decision.

“Kevin!” barked the four others in unison and he shied backwards.

He smugly smiled beneath his distant expression. “Relax dudes, it’s all pipes.”

“You utter slob. Couldn’t you have waited until we turned it on at least?” Orion smacked into him with his own head and Kevin recoiled, tangling himself up in the ducks and dragons in bubble baths of their shower curtain.

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“I can’t see!” He spun around, moving their body wildly through the shower and his head further into entanglement. Unable to keep track, their legs slipped on the wet floor, sending them into a fall. The curtain ripped out of the rings as they smacked into the wall.

“Kevin! Stop immediately, this is, ew, get up,” Orion complained from somewhere below their body.

Alv’s head throbbed, but the other four had relinquished control for the moment, so he snatched the valve and turned on the hot water. Sitting on the floor in defeat, Sam freed Kevin from his curtain predicament. “Hot, good choice.”

“Traitor,” Gary mumbled, but reached for his neatly labeled brush hanging on the side.

That none of them could talk with a brush between their teeth and shower gel slathered all over their scales was a pleasant break.

Alv picked up the heavy shower curtain and slotted the rings back into place. This had not been the first time someone got tangled up, and this would not be the last time. Wiping away the steam from the clock revealed that the entire ordeal had only taken half an hour. And after Orion put the finishing touches on his horns and face, they had another thirty minutes left for breakfast. “Wait,” Orion said and tried to pry away control of their limbs. “I need my phone.”

“We do not have time for a bloody shower selfie.” The rest grumbled.

“You don’t understand. My followers need to know that I am up early and productive.”

“Tell them later, and stop taking pictures of us naked in the shower,” Kevin tried to seize control for himself, which only resulted in them stumbling between hallway and washroom.

“Kevin, we don’t wear clothes.”

“But showering is more nude than shopping; it is private.”

Alv could not argue with Kevin’s logic in that case. While everyone should have the same say over their body, taking naked selfies to fulfill Orion’s social media obsession was not a thing they had time for.

“I demand toast,” Kevin proclaimed as they finally made their way to the kitchen.

“You are banned from the toaster, remember?” Sam said. The incident had been a real spectacle. Few managed to make coal in a toaster.

“Then I want somebody to make me toast.”

“Find me the package then,” Gary grumbled.

Alv opened the upper pantry and was reminded of why he had taken that job offer. Between the stray bits of rice and paper, he pulled out the last package of cereal they had.

“Princess charms.” Gary lowered his head to inspect the pastel colored and rainbow flavored cereal.

“This is very much something Sam bought,” Orion smirked.

“I did not. I don’t like pink and they taste like sugar with sugar coating.”

Kevin, who struggled to open up a package of toast with his teeth, surged forward. “They are mine. You can’t have any.”

“We have little choice today, Kev,” Alv said and tried to pry it back out from his teeth with their left arm. “I’ll trade for your toast.”

He seemed to consider the offer for a moment, glancing between the pink cereal and toast moistening up in his mouth.

“We only have one stomach, decide,” Orion murmured as he flicked through his social media feed with small and precise motions of his snout. “Can I get our arms for a second?”

Alv relinquished control and Orion grabbed the phone more securely in a pfod, aiming it at Kevin. A flash lit up the room. “Hashtag ourprincess, hashtag charmsforchampions hashtag killmeitisfartooearly”

Alv seized control and placed the phone back on the table. “Guys, we are going to be late. Concentrate.”

“Hi, good morning sunshine,” Sam grinned into his own phone placed on the table.

Two out of five heads were out of commission. Kevin still clenched the toast and cereal and Gary only had eyes for the coffee, slowly dripping down from the machine. The bitter smell wafted through the kitchen like a cloud of invigorating magic. In the worst case, they would go out on just coffee for the interview.

“Have you ever tried to put cereal on toast?” Gary said and looked up. Kevin dropped the two packages as if stung by the greatest realization in years. “Give me our arms.”

That took care of eating. Alv turned to the outermost heads, still glued to their screen. “Do you want anything?”

Sam excused himself from the phone. “I just talked to Ren. We will meet up after the interview to grab a bite to eat and maybe go out to town.”

Orion rose from the desk, his face a stern statue. “You can’t just always plan dates with your boyfriend without asking us first. This happens all the time.”

“Your have to get us shitfaced if you want to invite him home again too,” Gary mumbled, still fixated on the running coffee machine.

Orion huffed. “I too just asked Tila to join me for dinner. So the rest of us have something to look at too.”

“Tila?” Alv had never even heard that name before. “Was that the one with the crooked horns?”

“No, that was Sarah. Tila has tails for daaays.”

“It would be so nice if we could stick with one name for more than a week,” Kevin said, munching on some abhorrent abomination of the culinary arts.

“Double date it is,” Sam said.

“Gods above, help us.” Gary urged Alv to pick up the two bowls of coffee he had prepared. Being completely ambidextrous with two heads in control, they had no problem drinking two bowls at once while sitting.

Alv rejoiced at the hot bitter liquid running down his already tired throat. They even had ten minutes left. Everything somehow went according to plan. “So, do we walk or take the train?”

All heads stopped.

“Train? You know I hate trains.”

“What is wrong with trains? They are awesome.”

“I call for a vote.”

Alv sipped his coffee. So much for the ten minutes to spare.