“No.” I slam my hands on the tabletop, which makes everyone except Keyes jump. “Absolutely not.”
I’ve thought about nobility in this society a fair bit. I don’t know the details, of course, but what I do know, I don’t much like. Marika, forced into a marriage agreement she didn’t want. Peasant farmers enslaved to the land. I thought about Brandt and his desire to escape that life. Then there was Marianna, who I just knew was evading some kind of noble crap. Why else would she make it so clear that she and her family are on the outs? As far as I can tell only nobles have surnames here.
“Forget it. I’m not gonna be some kind of jerk landlord who thinks she’s better than everyone. No way.”
Keyes blinks. “That’s about the best summation of nobility I’ve heard, but I promise you it won’t be like that. Landed titles aren’t exactly falling from the sky, you know.”
“Then what?” I realize I sound snippy. I don’t care, even if they can tell from my words.
A door opens and we all turn. It’s Marika and Marianna. They both turn to us and they’re both very, very annoyed. I can smell it on them.
“Theo, why are people saying you died and came back to life?”
“Keyes, why are we not buying every single potion the troll can make?”
Keyes stands up and raises his hands in a gesture of calm. “Ladies. Please. Join us. Everyone else, get out.” With a word to a clerk, who happens to be the one who refused me membership, the room clears out. Grumbles emanate from the eavesdropping adventurers, but they leave.
“Now. Here’s what I see. We’ve got an incredible asset in Ellie here, but she’s forbidden from selling potions because the Alchemist’s Guild is full of idiots.”
Sounds of general agreement come from everyone at the table, especially me.
“They’re real, by the way. Marianna, I know you’re the only one who hasn’t seen them work. Ellie?”
Keyes once again pulls out his knife. I shake my head and grab his hand. “No need. I’m sure Marianna believes you.”
Thank goodness Marianna nods. Her expression is curious and her scent tells me she’s interested. There’s a little skepticism in there too, which is good! Nobody should just take things at face value.
“So here’s what I propose. Marianna, make Ellie your knight so she’s technically nobility, and then she’s no longer bound by the rules of the Interguild Judiciary.”
“No.” Marianna slams her hands on the table. Nobody jumps, because she isn’t an eight foot tall troll. “Absolutely not.”
“Right?” I nod to her.
“I’d have to return to my family. They’d take it as a victory over, over me. I won’t crawl back to them like a petulant puppy who ran away from home and needs to come in from the cold! I will not go back to being their—“
“Calm down, Marianna. Nobody’s asking for that. In fact, if you play this right you can give the Crosses a good poke in the eye.” Keyes leans back in his chair and I am tempted, oh so tempted, to sweep it out from underneath him. He smells so smug.
Unfortunately those seem to be the magic words for Marianna, who leans forward on her elbows. “Go on.”
Keyes grins. He has her and he knows it. Damn. “Your brother Shale’s coming of age this year. He’s holding a small tournament to name his first knight, and the invitation is open anyone with a recommendation from the Crosses. Including you. What I propose is that Ellie enters with your blessing and then beats the living daylights out of every other competitor. A troll, with Jinx’s blessing. Your family is caught between two unpleasant choices: name someone who is basically a monster to be Shale’s knight”—he waves at me and I am slightly offended—“or declare that the winner is not to be named knight, and go back on their word.”
Marianna narrows her eyes, then nods. “I like it. My father would lose his mind. But that doesn’t grant Ellie any kind of nobility unless Shale takes her on.”
Keyes grins. “That’s when you come in and declare that you will gladly take such a valiant warrior as your first knight, which is of course seven years overdue.”
Um. I raise my hand like a student in class. “What if I, oh, I dunno, don’t want to be a knight?”
“That won’t be a problem,” says Marianna flatly. “It’s not like I need a knight or would assign you duties. Basically it’d be a title only. The main benefit to you would be—“
“The ability to sell anything you want, claim anything you make as property, and enter the dungeon any time you want.” Keyes leans back in his chair. “And the knowledge that you, by virtue of your very existence, are ruining the days of a number of arrogant bastards, both guild and noble.”
Hmm. That… doesn’t sound that bad. “What’s this tournament about? I can’t ride a horse, just in case there’s jousting.”
Marianna waves her hand. “None of that. Just plain old fashioned swordsmanship. Or, whatever weapon you choose. My family’s knights need only prove themselves as combatants in whatever style they are proficient.”
“Would I have to kill anyone?”
That takes everyone a second to process. Marianna answers first. “Would that be a problem?”
“Yeah! Yes it would! I’ve never killed anyone and I don’t really want to start. Especially not just to tweak some noble’s nose.”
“Well, people have died in these things, but with you there…” Marianna points to my bandolier. “They’d only die if you wanted them to, right?”
Well, duh. I feel stupid. “Fair enough. So all I have to do is win, right?”
“That’s it. Just beat up some snotty rich kids and has-beens looking to make a name for themselves.” Keyes is loving this idea, I can tell.
What do I want to do? I mean, this feels like a good opportunity, but what am I not seeing? Will I be bound to serve Marianna if I do this? Would there be repercussions? I snort. Of course there will be repercussions. Everything I do seems to have ripple effects.
Keyes sees that I’m wavering. “There’s not really any other option, I’m afraid. Something might come up in the future, or maybe the Alchemist’s Guild changes their mind and retracts your ban, but until then…”
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“I need to talk to my friends first.” I get up.
“Sure,” says Keyes. “But you’ll need to be on the road no later than tomorrow. You’ll need to travel a bit and there’s not that many more days until the tournament.”
The crowd has mostly dispersed when we leave. There’s a few people hanging around, but they don’t seem to have the guts to approach me. Our walk to the house Marika rented is quiet and uneventful, at least until we get there. Before I get to the front door, I’m met with a stench like nothing I’ve ever smelled before.
“Dear gods, what is that?” Marika looks like she’s turning green. Theo isn’t much better.
“Maybe wait out here.” Whatever it is, it’s absolutely rancid. “I’ll go make sure it’s safe.”
Inside the place reeks to high heaven. What the…? The smell gets stronger as I approach the back, and once I’m in the yard, I see the problem.
The water that flowed through the old aqueduct when we looked at the place was clear, but now it’s looking more like sewage. Ominous clumps of stuff are flowing through it and disappearing into the subterranean waterway, and the exposed part is sloshing with filth. While I watch, I see what looks like part of an animal flow by.
Marika joins me, as does Theo. They both look like they’re ready to barf. I don’t blame them; it’s worse for me. After ten minutes, we’re a little used to the smell but the crud is still flowing strong.
“I guess we know why it was so cheap, huh?” I say by way of a joke. It falls flat.
“That wretched, cursed hag! She hid this from us, I just know it!” Marika is enraged.
“Can we get out of the lease? Maybe claim we didn’t know?”
Marika produces the document and skims it. She shakes her head. “No way out. At least not until the year is up. Damn! Damn damn damn!”
Theo is comforting Marika, but I’m feeling a little more proactive. Where the heck is all this coming from? It was clear water previously. Supposedly there’s a system of cleaning slimes that handle sewage, so this must be from something else, I think.
“I’m going to go ask a few questions.” With that I stomp out of the house.
Outside I notice things I didn’t on the way here. There’s a few people around and they’re all wearing cloth over their face. I can smell an astringent odour coming from them. When they see me I smell fear, but not terror. That’s a good start.
“Excuse me! Can I ask you where this smell is coming from?” I try to talk quietly.
Most of the people pull away. The one group that doesn’t is a family. They all smell alike. It’s the young boy that points at me and I can see his mouth moving.
“Can you read?” I wave at them. The parents look worried but they don’t pull away.
It takes him a few seconds but he gets through my words. “I’m learning! I want to work as a reader in the Guilds!”
“That’s amazing!” Instead of grinning I open my eyes as wide as I can; it’s less unsettling, I hope. “Can you tell me where the water in the aqueduct comes from, and where the yucky smell starts?.”
He struggles with ‘aqueduct’ but he gets the gist. “It’s from the washaway tank. That’s where all the nasty things go. Once a week it gets emptied.”
I fish around in my purse and come out with a silver coin. The kid’s eyes bug out. “You and your parents can have this if you take me there.” I’ve got a plan.
The boy’s parents explain on the way; the washaway is a big cistern that gets all the detritus and toxic crap dumped in it from the various guilds. It sits there and rots all week, then gets flushed out via the old aqueduct.
“Nobody knows where it winds up,” says the woman.
“Why not just use the slimes? Like the sewer uses?”
“A lot of the… stuff is too poisonous for the slimes. Or else it would make them into a different kind of slime, and then there’d be a problem.”
Isn’t it a problem that you all just dump it somewhere you don’t even know? I want to ask them but it’s not their responsibility.
“What are you gonna do, Lady Troll?” The boy has lost any and all fear of me. “Are you gonna tell them to stop making it so smelly? My dad says we don’t have enough money to move so we have to stay here. But it stinks so bad!”
The man looks scandalized so I pretend not to notice. “I’m gonna see if I can make things better.”
Anything would be better than this. It’s absolutely rancid for me. I can’t possibly deal with this long-term.
Five minutes later I’m there. The smell is even worse; it’s concentrated and lingers in the air. The people in this neighbourhood look like they’d rather be anywhere else. I don’t blame them.
The building is brick and mortar with a clay roof. There’s two doors: one the size of a person and another big enough to let a truck in. Well, a carriage, I guess. No trucks here. After paying and seeing the family off, I decide to knock on the bigger door.
“No deliveries until the cistern’s empty. Come back in an hour.” The voice is muffled beyond what I expect from hearing it through a door.
I stop myself from calling out. They couldn’t understand me anyway. Instead I knock harder and longer. Then I start with the shave-and-a-haircut. That gets him to open the door.
“What the— you’re the troll everyone’s talking about!”
“Got it in one. Can I come in?”
The man is wearing a weird leather mask. It’s like a stub nosed plague doctor’s mask. Attached to the side is something like a filter. His voice mostly comes out of that. “No entry to anyone right now. The stuff we’re flushing this week is really bad.”
Hurray, he can read! “Yeah, I can tell. I might be able to help with that. The smell, at least.”
He tilts his head. To sweeten the deal, I pull out another silver coin. I don’t have so many of those left. He grabs it out of my hand and steps aside.
The entire building is taken up by the cistern. It’s low, about waist height to a human, and has a bunch of ramps that lead up to the rim. I guess that’s where they roll up and dump stuff. There’s no lid, not that it would help.The smell… there are no words.
“What you gonna do?” The man stands a ways back from me.
“Where’s all this wind up?” I wave at the cistern.
“Dunno. Somewhere else. Who cares?”
I do, but mainly because of the smell. It was worth trying, anyway. “Okay. Just don’t freak out. And remember, if anyone asks, you didn’t pay me anything.”
With that I walk to the rim of the cistern. My eyes start watering. The smell is unspeakable. Inside the walls are coated in a gunk that looks like it’s been there forever. Clean water flows in from a pipe that enters high on the wall, and I can see a whirling outflow down near the bottom. It’s almost empty.
I close my eyes and check my ingredient inventory. There it is. Copper. Sanitize.
“Make a potion of potent sanitization. Actually, make about five.”
These potions are big. Bigger than any I’ve ever made before. Luckily my hands are big too. I lay them out in a row on the rim. Then I pull the cork off the first one and pour it in.
The effect is immediate, but it’s not enough. The smell is cut a fair bit, and the crud looks… less cruddy? No worries, I got plenty more potions where that came from. Two, three, four, and five. Then I’m out. The remaining gloop in the cistern isn’t clean, exactly, but it smells no worse than the rest of the city. To the guy working here, it probably smells like heaven.
I make a few more and then my ingredients run out. Damn. I should hav taken more from the dwarves. But then I remember my purse. I pull out every copper I have and dump it in my Alchemist’s Pouch. Then I use them up. The rest of the potions I pour carefully down the edge of the cistern wall; it turns the caked-on gunk into what looks like regular dirt.
“There we go. Sorry, I don’t have enough to really clean it well. But here’s the deal: you know who I am. Before you dump this thing you come get me. You can leave a message for me with Theo at the Adventurer’s Guild or...” I don’t actually know the address of the place Marika rented. “Or just ask around, I guess. I’m not that hard to find.”
The man has his mask off. His face looks like he’s witnessed a miracle. “Damn, troll. You from the Alchemist’s Guild?”
I growl on purpose. His eyes widen and blessedly, I can smell his emotions again: fear. “Absolutely, positively not. And if they come sniffing around, you tell them you didn’t pay me anything. Otherwise I’ll come here and make it worse, not better.” I can’t do that yet, but who knows what ingredients I’ll find in the future? What would a reversed Sanitization potion do? Nothing good, I bet.
“Just come by every sevenday. We flush it then. Why not leave some of that stuff with me?”
Hmm. That’s an idea, but… “No point. You’ll clean the cistern, then someone will dump crap in it and it stinks again. And it takes copper to make these potions.”
“Like money?”
“Like money.”
I can see gears turning behind his eyes. “What if I gave you some copper, and you made it into those potions? Just a few, for when it gets real bad? Would that be paying you?”
“I guess not? I could do that.”
Coin changes hands and potions are exchanged. I leave and the area smells better already. The man, who has finally introduced himself as Harry, waves at me as I leave.
My good deed for the day done, I turn to find my way back to Marika’s place.