The mechanical clock with all its whirring and winding parts played a drawn out tinkling melody at the top of the hour. Gears in the middle of the clock face rotated and completed a full 360 rotation, moving the hours around the clock before locking them back in place while the hands stayed stationary. It was a mesmerizing piece of machinery and Giulia gazed upon it with wonder.
“Fascinating, isn’t it?” a voice said from behind her. Giulia continued to stare at the clock,
“Yes, it is.” she muttered. The music playing from the clock faded and she turned to face the person behind her. Her blood felt like ice in her veins as she recognized the woman who had spoken to her. The familiar blood red lips turned up in a smile beneath the purple hood that obscured the rest of her face,
“Recognize where you are yet?” she asked. Giulia looked around the room she was standing in. It was a living room with a floral patterned couch and loveseat. Sheer lacy curtains covered the large slatted blinds over the windows and the coffee table and various end tables were all made from the same dark stained wood. Faberge eggs and crocheted birds sat on shelves on the pastel blue walls.
“I’m home,” Giulia whispered.
The woman in purple stepped around Giulia and began adjusting the hands on the clock. Giulia watched her curiously. The woman turned and faced Giulia. She pulled down her hood and her appearance changed. Now Giulia was standing in front of Father Alessio,
“Don’t you just love adventures?” he asked jovially. Giulia was confused and her expression showed it. Father Alessio smiled widely. He grabbed her arms and she tried to resist but it was as if her body wouldn’t respond to her thoughts. She felt trapped in her own mind.
Trapped in her own mind.
Giulia remembered Father Lorenzo placing his hand on her forehead and everything going black. None of this was real. Or was it? She couldn’t be certain. Father Alessio spun her around and then he released her. Giulia flew back, her arms flailing wildly. Father Alessio loomed larger and larger until Giulia was smaller than his hand. She looked back and saw the clock looming over her. Its hands appeared as if they were the size of bridges and the numbers standing taller than she was. She could see the inner gears, whirring inside the clock face and she fell through them. Father Alessio disappeared as she fell into the clock, wanting to grab onto anything to stop her fall but her hands wouldn’t respond. She fell deeper into the clock. Each gear was massive, rolling around past her like iron wrought water wheels. She could see each component of the clock spinning around her and hear the deafening tick of the hands as they marched toward the next hour.
She jolted upright and looked around. Now she was in a classroom, seated at a wooden desk that had initials etched into it and drawings of hearts and stars and some more obscene items.
“Ms. Giordano, are you with us?”
Giulia looked to the front of the room. A teacher stared sternly back at her. She nodded,
“Okay, let’s keep learning and not sleeping,” the teacher said. “As I was saying…”
Giulia looked down at herself. She was in a white button up blouse and plaid green and blue skirt. She had knee high socks on and tan leather shoes with short laces tied in a bow. Every other girl in the room was wearing the same outfit. She looked to the front of the room and at the cursive writing on the blackboard.
“Algebra II” was written in big bold letters and the rest of the board was filled with equations. Above the chalkboard was a banner with a motto in Latin,
Mentes Clara ad Excellentiam
“Bright minds soar to excellence,” she whispered to herself. She reached up and touched the space between her collar and her breast, feeling the embroidered eagle there. This was the preparatory school she had attended. But how was she here?
“Psst” she turned her head to see where the noise had come from and locked eyes with a boy who looked like a younger Father Alessio. He tossed her a crumpled up piece of paper. She unfolded it and read the words scrawled on the page,
When the bell rings, run.
Giulia looked at the words and reread them over and over again. None of this made sense. She looked down at the notebook on her desk and recognized her handwriting. Beneath all the equations was a single sentence,
Pay attention. Do what the note says.
Giulia straightened up in her chair and faced the front as the teacher went over equations and variables she hadn’t seen in years. Her mind raced and she couldn’t focus on the lesson. All she could think about was getting back to Mateo. SHe was jolted from her thoughts by the sound of the bell. She stood up and ran from the classroom. As she began to sprint, the other students turned to her and pointed. Their jaws went slack and a haunting chorus of laughter erupted from their mouths.
Giulia raced past the students and into the hallway, the soles of her shoes slapping against the linoleum. All through the hall, more ghoulish students pointed and laughed without their mouths moving. Their faces seemed to blur and lose definition as Giulia passed them but their laughter remained the same. She reached the end of the hallway and pushed through the doors. She blinked in the bright sunlight.
PHWEEET
Giulia turned her head to the sound of the whistle and saw other girls running across a grassy green field with painted white lines towards the sideline. She looked down at herself and saw the neon green jersey and black athletic shorts. She lifted her foot and saw the spiked bottoms of cleats.
“Giordano, let’s go!” a woman yelled. Giulia squinted in the bright sun to see her high school soccer coach waving her over to join the rest of the team. Giulia looked around the field and her eyes fell on the scoreboard. Beneath the home team’s score were two words,
Do It.
Giulia jogged across the field and joined the rest of the team. She barely listened as the coach directed them on their next play. She put her hand in with the others and shouted along as they broke apart, throwing their hands up to the sky. She took her place on the field though she wasn’t sure how she knew that was her position. She faced the girl opposite of her as the soccer ball was dropped and then it was as if her body went into autopilot.
She was now soaring across the field, her legs moving faster than they had in years. She was weaving between players and getting open to receive the ball. Another player kicked the black and white ball to her and she dribbled it between her heels. She swerved around the girl in the purple jersey who had moved to block her. The grass passed beneath her as the ball rolled along at between her feet, a blur of motion on a sea of green. She felt the wind whipping through her hair and she saw the goal looming ahead of her. The goalie was moving back and forth with her knees bent as she looked to intercept the ball. Giulia kicked the ball and sent it flying through the air. The goalie jumped for it but the ball passed over her arms and hit the back of the net.
“GOAAALLL” the referee called out and blew a whistle, indicating that the game had ended. Giulia’s teammates hoisted her up on their shoulders cheering and Giulia beamed as she stared up into the cloudless sky. Her teammates set her down and now she was standing in front of a register with an agitated barista staring back at her,
“Do you know what you’d like to order?” he asked. Giulia looked around the cafe and then she noticed him.
“Emiliano…” she whispered. Her heart fluttered.
“Just do two espressos please, thank you.” Emiliano said, stepping in front of Giulia and pulling cash out of his wallet. Giulia was dumbstruck. He smiled back at her with the same suave half smile that had captivated her the day she met him. She suddenly realized where she was. It was the cafe where she had her first date with the man that would father her child.
Emiliano paid and grabbed Giulia’s hand, gently leading her to a table outside. She stared at him in awe. He was so beautiful. She could see Mateo’s features in the youthful face of his father.
“We have a child together,” she said. Emiliano smiled sadly and nodded,
“I know.”
“You were never there to watch him grow up and see the incredible man he becomes. You abandoned us, Emil.” she said tearfully. Emiliano nods as their espressos are delivered in small ceramic mugs. He grabbed his and took a sip.
“I wish things were different, but I couldn’t have a family and join the priesthood.” he replied.
Giulia stared at the espresso, watching the swirling patterns of steam spiraling from the rich brown liquid in its mug. The edge of the ceramic seemed to grow outward, filling Giulia’s vision with white. She looked around frantically as the outside world faded to a blank canvas and suddenly she was looking at the white fabric of a wedding gown.
Giulia looked up and saw herself standing in front of a tall mirror. Her chestnut brown hair was braided with flowers and a long white gown flowed down to the floor. Her face was lightly made up and her lips were lined with a light pink that made them appear larger than they were. She gingerly touched her cheek and her reflection mimicked her. The room was unfamiliar and she was standing in it alone.
Something compelled her to turn around and walk to the door behind her. She turned the doorknob and pulled open the door. Now she was standing between rows of pews. People she didn’t recognize turned to stare at her. In her hand was a bouquet of lilacs. The wedding march filled the room, played from an organ next to the altar. Giulia slowly walked forward, the train of her dress dragging behind her. Then the man at the altar turned and faced her and she saw that familiar half smile again,
Emil.
Giulia felt a smile break across her lips and she began to walk faster. Emiliano had tears in his eyes and Giulia could feel tears of her own forming at the corner of her eyes. She reached the altar and Emiliano stared at her with the same deep loving expression he had on the night they had slept together. His big doe eyes made her melt then and they did the same now. Her heart felt as though it was going to beat out of her chest.
“Do you, Emiliano Ricci, take Guilia Giordano to be your lawfully wedded wife; to have and to hold, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” the minister asked, looking to Emiliano.
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“I do,” he said softly. Giulia felt a tear run down her cheek, she set down the bouquet and grabbed his hands.
“And do you, Giulia Giordano, take Emiliano Ricci to be your lawfully wedded husband; to have and to hold, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”
“I do,” Giulia said and she had never meant anything more in her life.
“Then by the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”
Emiliano swept Giulia from her foot and kissed her passionately as the church erupted into applause. He looked into her eyes and smiled as they parted,
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you too,” she replied.
Giulia danced with Emiliano across the polished wooden floor of the reception hall. She laughed and twirled underneath the twinkling lights of the paper lamps that hung from the ceiling. She was so enraptured with Emiliano that she didn’t even notice how she knew no one at the wedding. Their nondescript faces faded into the background of her ecstasy. She was in the arms of the man she loved. He was her husband.
As the reception came to an end, Emiliano carried Giulia to their room. She laughed as he stumbled along and kissed down her neck. He laid her on the bed and gently kissed her exposed skin before sitting her up and unzipping the back of her wedding dress. She stood and let the dress fall off of her body. He undid the clasps of her bra and she slid her underwear down her legs and stood before him naked. His eyes were filled with that same loving expression,
“Wow,” he whispered.
She stepped towards him and began to loosen his tie. He stared down at her breasts as she pulled the tie off and unbuttoned his shirt, pushing it down his arms and letting it fall with his suit jacket to the floor. He laid her down again and fumbled with his belt. She helped him remove it and he scrambled to remove his pants and underwear. Now he was positioned over her completely nude. Their naked bodies pressed against one another. He pressed his forehead against hers and they both let out a quiet sort of gasp as he entered her. She wrapped her arms around his back and threw her head back as he gently bit down on the skin between her neck and her shoulder, thrusting deep inside.
They made love for hours and Giulia fell asleep in Emiliano’s arms when he finished. She felt as though she was floating, carried aloft on a cloud with her lover beside her. Her husband.
Then she felt pain. She was staring up at fluorescent lights above her. Sweat beaded on her forehead and she grunted with exertion as she pushed. She was lying in a hospital bed in an upright position and two doctors were at one end of the bed and her husband stood beside her at the other, holding her hand. She was in the middle of giving birth.
“Push, Giulia. Look at me and breathe,” Emiliano said. Giulia stared into his eyes and pushed, huffing in short breaths, breathing in cadence with her husband. She pushed again and again until there was a feeling of release and the sound of a baby’s cries filled the room.
“It’s a boy!” one of the doctor’s exclaimed and Giulia and Emiliano exchanged looks of pride. He kissed her forehead and hugged her head to his chest as she cried tears of joy.
The doctors returned with the baby swaddled in a blue blanket. He slept peacefully as he was handed to Giulia and she looked down at her son,
“I think Mateo suits him,” Emiliano said. Giulia looked up at her husband and smiled,
“I think it does.” she looked at the sleeping baby, “Mateo Emil Ricci, you will do great things.” she whispered. The baby’s lips seemed to turn up in a smile and she chuckled to herself.
Now Giulia found herself standing in the doorway of a nursery. A white cradle sat next to a window, the moonlight giving it an eerie glow. She didn’t recognize this nursery. The cradle rocked side to side slowly as a shadowy figure stood beside it, gently pushing it. She took a step into the room and the wooden floor beneath her creaked. The dark silhouette appeared to turn its head,
“Giulia?” It was Emiliano’s voice. Giulia felt a rush of relief,
“It’s me,” she replied and there was a soft laugh in reply. The shadow’s head turned back towards the cradle.
She walked through the doorway and felt her foot step into something warm and tacky. She slowly lifted her foot and looked down at the dark puddle on the ground. The viscous liquid stuck to her toes and dribbled down with gravity.
“Emil?” she asked. The figure did not respond, still focused on rocking the cradle. Giulia reached back and flipped the light switch on the wall behind her but it just clicked quietly. The overhead light remained dark. She took another step, ignoring the squelching sound that came from underneath her bare feet. The dark figure slightly turned its head again and Giulia paused. It turned back to the cradle and Giulia took another step. She reached the cradle and stood next to the dark figure. She still couldn’t make out its features even though she was only a few feet away from it. She looked into the cradle and gasped.
A curled up naked fetus covered in blood laid in the middle of the white bedding. Splatters of crimson were flecked across the white sheets and pillow. It was turned to its side and shivering as the shadowy figure continued rocking the cradle. Giulia felt as though she was watching her body from afar as she reached down into the cradle. She touched the sticky skin of the small fetus and it turned to face her. She snatched her hand back and recoiled in horror.
Instead of a human face, it had a clock face. Whirring gears filled the space where there should have been a mouth. Numbers stood in the place of eyes. The hands ticked towards midnight and as they reached the top of the clock, the fetus began to wail. Piercing cries came from the clock face and Giulia clapped her hands over her ears and shut her eyes. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked over.
The moonlight crossed the figure standing next to her and illuminated the bulging whites of a pair of eyes and oversized teeth. The features didn’t seem to fit, they were impossibly large and stuck out from the shadowed features.
The teeth clacked together and a haunting voice came from the lipless jaws, “These aren’t your memories, Giulia.”
Memories. Trapped in her mind.
Giulia staggered backwards as the realization hit her. She stepped back into the warm sticky puddle in the middle of the room and her feet sank through. The wails of the fetus followed her as she fell until the room faded to black.
She was back in the hospital but this time she was alone with the two doctors. The piercing wails had become the normal cries of a baby.
“It’s a boy!” the doctor exclaimed. She looked to her side but Emiliano wasn’t there. He never had been. This was correct. She was alone on the day of Mateo’s birth.
“What name would you like on the birth certificate, mama?” One of the doctors asked brightly.
“Mateo Angelo Giordano,” she replied and she knew that was correct.
“And the father?”
“I don’t know,” she lied. The doctor frowned and Giulia felt a sense of shame but this was the way Mateo’s birth had happened. She didn’t know why but she knew that she would have to go through her memories the way they happened if she wanted to get back to reality.
She was in the proper nursery now. It wasn’t even a nursery, it was a secondhand cradle in her bedroom. She rocked infant Mateo in her arms as she looked out the window to the streets down below. There was a comfort in the business of the city, especially with the knowledge of what would come. She watched people hurry along the sidewalks and watched cars drive through the streets. She heard the clanging of trash cans being emptied, the splash of puddles as tires drove through them, and the slamming of other doors in the building. She had forgotten how loud civil society was. Mateo fussed and Giulia brushed back his wispy hair and cooed at him. She set him down in the cradle as he fell back to sleep.
A toddler looked back up at her. Giulia could hear birds chirping and feel the heat of the sun on the back of her neck. There was a checkered blanket beneath her and Mateo was waddling across it with shaky unstable steps. Giulia smiled, she remembered those days spent in the park where Mateo learned to walk and chase ducks. The memory was bittersweet and a sad smile played across her lips as she relived it. There was a buzzing noise as a small black pager vibrated on the picnic blanket. She picked it up and looked at the short message that flashed across the display,
Leave. Ignore him.
She wasn’t certain who the “him” in question was but she left the picnic items where they were, picked up her son, and began walking towards the parking lot. Then she saw him. Emiliano sat at a picnic table in front of the pond with Mateo and a fishing pole. She looked in her arms where she had been carrying Mateo and saw only the picnic blanket hastily folded into a ball. Emiliano turned to her and smiled. That damn smile made her heart skip a beat every time. He waved her over to them but she shook her head and turned away, her eyes burning from the tears. She made it to her car and looked back one last time. It was no longer Emiliano sitting at the table, it was the woman in purple. The woman scowled and shook her head. In the distance, water splashed in the pond as a man frantically tried to keep afloat. Giulia knew it was Emiliano. She took a breath and ducked into her car, slamming the door and collapsing into the seat. She clutched the steering wheel and pressed her forehead against it as she sobbed.
HOOONNNNKKKKK
Giulia frantically looked up through the windshield and turned the steering wheel hard to avoid the large truck that was coming at her with its horn blaring. She moved the car back into her lane and focused on the road ahead, the route was vaguely familiar.
“Are we there yet, mama?” Mateo whined in the back seat and Giulia glanced at him in the rearview mirror. He looked to be about seven or eight now and Giulia realized what memory this was. It was the day she moved them to the Vatican.
“Almost,” she replied. She focused on the road and remembered every event that had led to this moment.
She had been struggling to make ends meet in Florence so she had taken a chance and written to a priest at the Vatican. To her surprise, he had written back and offered her a job as a groundskeeper and, in exchange, the Church would provide an education for her son. It was the best decision that she ever made for her and her son.
She was at their destination, walking forward through the gates of the Vatican with Mateo’s small hand clasped in her own. The large gates warped and changed into a singular wooden door and now she was walking behind Mateo as he entered the classroom for the first day of seminary. The memories were proceeding faster now and Giulia became hopeful that she would soon return to the present.
She found herself standing in the apartment with those light blue walls and the various knick knacks on shelves. She was alone in the living room and she looked at the clock on the wall. It was the early afternoon, Mateo was in school. She picked up the mail that lay on the ground in front of the mail slot on her door and she saw an envelope with looping letters spelling out her name and address. She opened the envelope and slid the folded letter out of it, opening it and reading over its contents,
Giulia,
My biggest mistake was leaving you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to be the man and the father I should have been then.
Yours always,
Emiliano
His phone number was written underneath his signature. Giulia carried the letter over to the corded phone on the wall and she pulled it off the receiver. She slowly punched in the numbers and held the phone to her ear as it rang.
“Hello?” Emiliano answered. Giulia’s eyes welled up with tears,
“Hi Emil,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.
“Giulia, I’m so sorry. Where are you?” he asked. Giulia held the phone away from her face as she softly sobbed. She took a breath and then she noticed the magnetic letters on the fridge that she had since Mateo was young arranged in a single phrase,
This isn’t real.
She hung up the phone and the scenery around her changed again. She was still in the apartment but this time Mateo was with her. There were plywood boards over the windows. The building shook from the bombardment of the city by the planes overhead. She knew what day this was. It was the last day of the war and the last time they would be in this apartment.
“We need to get to the shelter,” she said to Mateo. He looked at her with wide eyed fear. She hurried through the apartment, stuffing clothes and canned goods into a suitcase. She reached for a baby picture of Mateo and then the front half of the apartment was blown apart. She heard her screams and Mateo’s and she was thrown headfirst into the hallway where her vision went black.
Giulia jolted awake with a sharp inhale. She looked around. Sunlight streamed into the room from above and Giulia saw the beds lined up through the room and the plates from that morning stacked on the end table beside her. She saw the stack of books from the library and she breathed a sigh of relief. She stood up and peeked into the hallway, checking for any sign of the demon priests. She did not see either of them. She slunk down the hall and made it to the library where she saw Mateo seated at one of the tables reading. He looked up and a wide grin split across his face. He threw down the book and ran towards her.
“Mama!” he exclaimed. She grabbed him and hugged him tightly,
“I’m alright, we’re okay,” she said. She stroked his hair as he clung to her.
Then she saw it. At the far end of the library, between the tall glass windows hung a clock. The numbers rotated along with the visible gears in the middle as the hands approached the top of the hour. Giulia felt her throat tighten. The hands indicated the change in the hour and numbers locked into place as the slow tinkling metallic melody played from the clock.
Mateo and the library faded away and Giulia was left standing alone, surrounded by darkness as the melody played.