One mistake, and your entire future is over. That’s what I thought, but I’m not waiting until my future is already ruined. I’ll kill myself; I don’t know when, I don’t know how. Actually, I do know when — as soon as possible. I don’t care if I’m going to hell; I just want to escape this corrupted society. I always wanted to kill myself, actually. Ever since I started watching cartoons, I always had a theory that when I die, I’m going to be in an alternative universe where I’m the heroine of the story. But as I got older, I realized I don’t want to be reborn. I do not want to do anything; I just want to lie down and think about nothing. I can’t wait to die. I have to do it on my own somehow. What’s stopping me? My father takes great care of me, allowing me to have a better childhood than his. I do not feel guilty; I felt pity. His money and efforts will go to waste. Well, no one cares since he has other people to care for like my sisters and my mother. They need him more than I do. I once asked him when I was 12, ‘What would you do if I die?’ He quickly said, ‘I’ll go insane.’ I guess that’s why I didn’t attempt until later on. When I reached 10th grade, I had horrible grades. My father was so strict about my grades and scolded me every day until he got checked up by the doctor. That’s where we found out some of his heart veins were not working because of the stress and anger. I immediately felt that it was my fault, so I grabbed my mom’s medicine and shoved the whole pack with water. Just to clarify, my mom has diabetes, so she often takes medicine that lowers the blood sugar. I slept, hoping I don’t wake up. Surprise, I woke up. I vomited; I was a little dizzy. It felt so good. I don’t know why; normally, I hate being sick. But just the thought of almost dying was really exciting, I thought to myself, what would happen if I did die? What if I took a bigger dose? This is amazing. I got my first phone two months after my father demanded to break it because I will not concentrate. I felt sick to my stomach. I thought to myself, what an asshole. Every time I try to point out the fact that he’s being unfair, he always victimizes himself, saying, ‘I care about your future; I don’t want you to end up poor like I was when I was young.’ I hate it. When I try to vent to my friends, they always defend him. Why not try to be in my shoes for a while? I have strict parents, and their only topic of discussion is my grades, higher learning, and my future career. But what can I do? I’m trapped. To be fair, I trapped myself long before my parents started to be jerks. I don’t know why; maybe I was born this way. Well, after that remark about the phone, I attempted partially because I liked the feeling of almost dying and to ‘teach my father a lesson.’ Can you blame me? I was 15.""I thought the suicidal thoughts were just a phase, but apparently not since I did it again in the 11th grade when my parents started pressuring me to do more than I can handle. I do not want to study; I do not want to graduate. I just want to lie down and do nothing for the rest of my life. I attempted with a larger dose, thinking, 'This is it. I'm finally escaping.' I woke up. I didn’t feel any satisfaction; I just felt angry, but I couldn’t talk about it, so I shut myself up. I can’t show any signs that I’m depressed. I smile, run, and pretend to be happy, so much that I started to feel nothing. My parents constantly scolding me? I don’t care. People hating me? I don’t give a fuck. Even eating doesn’t make me happy anymore. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I thought that maybe I’ll be better if I rewatch the cartoons that I admired so much. They didn’t. I’m currently forcing myself to watch them. At the end of 11th grade, we had a big oral test, and if I scored well, I’d have a good chance at college. I wasn’t prepared, even when my dad paid money for extra teaching. I felt that I was going to fail anyway and upset him even more, so I cheated. I got caught anyway and got into big trouble. The choice I made will probably impact my entire life. Fuck my life. I just want to end it. I’m a pathological liar, a people pleaser, a narcissist, the most selfish person on the planet. But fuck that. I hate it. I don’t want to live my life constantly worrying. I want to fucking end it. I want someone to just shoot me or poison me. I just want it to be quick, fucking quick. It’s not fair to my parents, but I don’t give a fuck. I constantly ask them for a therapist, but they don’t believe in that crap. So I hope they feel guilty if someday they see me dead on the floor. They’ll probably cry, or will they?"

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