Her apartment was dark when she came home. Like it always was. Earlier the small one room flat had meant independence and safety for Christina, but now it only felt lonely.

I've grown used to spending my nights with you. Even if in a room shared with others. She hadn't expected to feel so sad about coming home to her empty home, and it did feel empty. I miss you already. I never believed I'd fall in love like this again, but you're so easy to love.

And that was a lie. Ulf was anything but easy. She knew his life was a jumble of broken shards, had found out in a way that scared her. He's in love with two women, and how am I to compete with his wife if he'll never be able to see her again?

Because he was married. At least somewhere in his mind he was still a fifty year old father settled into what she guessed had been a good marriage despite the tragedy a decade earlier. You made it through it. Must have meant something, something strong enough to rebuild a life around.

This new life was somehow easier for her to accept. She had only invested in power and money. What she had lost in transition was superfluous, and more importantly it was something she could regain on her own. Alone, don't forget alone.

She dropped her bags inside the door. Laundry would have to wait for tomorrow. Right now she wanted a bath, and just a few months earlier she would have revelled in the luxury of being undisturbed. Just like she had for thirty years before that. But no longer.

The need for his presence grew almost painful. But I chose my career. I could have chosen to stay by your side instead, but I didn't. Every day spent modelling and building her reputation was a day spent without him. Every day together was a day when she didn't solidify her shaky foundation. In a few years it would be solid enough, but not now.

It was maddening. She shouldn't have to choose between her career and her love, but she had to. Am I doing the right thing? What's most important to me? For a fleeting moment she played with the idea to just abandon anything that had to do with fashion. But she knew Ulf wouldn't accept that she threw away the chance she had been given. No, not given. I created it myself, and I think that's something he respects.

So now her love conflicted with her love. It was definitely enough to drive her crazy.

Christina started tapping water into her bathtub and went back into the room where she unpacked her bags.

No matter what I do I'm caught in a trap. But I don't want to lose you! She yelled a few choice obscenities into the night and continued to empty the bags. She gave them a glare as if they were somehow involved with her frustration and fear. Recognition of what her feelings represented jolted her upright. I'm afraid of losing you. I don't want to spend my life without you. It scares me.

How had she become so dependent on him? Why? And yet the answer was so easy. Because I love you.

She pulled the lamp string twice so only the night light was on before going into the tiny bathroom. The door stood ajar when she slipped into the bathtub. It was one of those strange habits she could never have explained, because she didn't know herself why she wanted the door half open to an almost dark room.

This time she cheated as well. Normally she would have showered before the bath. It hadn't taken her long to adapt to the traditional Japanese habit, and she liked going clean into a bath, but now she just needed the feeling of hot water caressing her. Lithe body or not, she wasn't built for strength or stamina, and carrying heavy bags over long distances wasn't exactly where she shone.

As always she sat facing the wrong direction. She was too tall for the deep bathtubs, and sometimes it just felt good dangling her legs outside even if it meant sinking to the bottom like a drunk frog.

With the worst of her stiffness gone thoughts of Ulf returned once more. She wanted him here, wanted him so badly tears welled up. That was new as well. She couldn't remember crying so much over nothing. Maybe it was as that doctor had said, that they were truly teenagers in part. But she couldn't remember crying like this from her first time as a teenager either.

Maybe being sixteen again is only part of it, she thought and started lathing herself. Soapy water was soon followed by shampoo and after that she pulled the plug, showered quickly and towelled herself dry. The thoughts lingered though. If it's only part of it, then what would the rest be?

And once again the answer came as obvious as frightening. It's you Ulf. You're special to me. She had been in love before. She had cried her heart out when she found out she was cheated on, but she had never before allowed herself to depend on anyone but herself. I've lost control over my life. No, I gave it away to you. Why would I ever do anything that stupid?

When she had pulled out her futon and gone to bed she had an answer to that question as well. Because I wanted to. Because it's the only way to love you. I don't want to live alone any more. I want you here!

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***

“Your plans for today?” Amaya wondered after breakfast.

“Club activities,” Ulf answered and slung his backpack onto his back. “Culture festival early October, and it seems the clubs are supposed to take part in it.”

Amaya frowned. “You couldn't participate last year.”

“No big deal. We're over twenty people in the club, and I guess we'll have to show off something supposedly Swedish and that's about it. See you!” And with that he was out of the door. He ran down the stairs five steps at a time and walked the last bit to the bike stand. Today would be a long ride, but he hadn't wanted to leave it by the station for the duration of the field trip. Lucky he didn't. Four days had turned into two weeks.

He played with the thought of biking to their old mall and leave it there, but with some luck Christina would show at the school, and if she did he had hopes for cycling around the city with her. So he ended up locking his bike to the confession stands outside their wing and walked the gravel to the entrance.

After a few moments of confusion he found his shoe lockers, dumped his sneakers in it and pulled his indoor slippers out of his back pack. Starting today he'd leave them in the locker when he went home. There were only a couple of days until school started anyway.

The corridor was empty, but he heard muted voices from the stairwell he was heading for. He looked through the windows to the closed cafeteria, passed the boys PE locker room and climbed the stairs. Whomever the voices belonged to had long since vanished when he left the stairs for the main corridor.

What the hell? The club room was empty. As in wiped clean. This is way too much for a burglary, so what happened?

“Urufu, you idiot! Moron-sama!”

OK, that's Noriko for sure. Now what? Ulf left their club room and stared in the direction her voice had come from. Sure enough she stood in the stairwell waving at him. Ah, not waving, beckoning for me. Damn palm down. I'll never get used to that.

With a sigh he shut the door and sauntered in her direction. What's she doing in our wing?

“What's with you today? Getting senile already?”

No, I'm not. That doctor of Nakagawa's promised as much. Wonder what I forgot this time though? Probably just didn't pay attention to something. “Yeah, must be. Advanced age and all that.”

When he closed in on her she turned on her feet, climbed the stairs and headed into the corridor to his classroom. That had him even more confused until she walked past it.

Ah, that's right. We were given a new room. Ulf started running after her and caught up just as they passed 5:1. He wondered if they would be able to see all of the pool from their new room.

They were.

Half a dozen club members were busy adding the finishing touches to the former classroom converted into club room. They must have spent a lot of time since the field trip here, because the room had been carefully redesigned for lounging, office work and even small conferences. There was even a very small kitchenette in a corner. Bookshelves lined two walls, and four shelves cut the room into two sections separating the lounge area from the workspace.

“Whoa! You guys rule!” Where did the money come from? I seeded quarter of a million yen, but that's nothing compared to the furniture they brought here?

“Like it, Urufu-kun?” Midori asked proudly. Not waiting for an answer she continued. “Found out a week ago both my parents and Hiroyuki-kun's own furniture stores. Between us we had a lot of damaged goods we could take.”

“I see,” Ulf said just as he thought it. That made sense. Two dozen of us now. We'll need this space. And I just love how they've planned the place for workshops in small teams! Super kids! “It's perfect. You've made us a new home here. Christina's going to step dance all over the place when she sees it.” Thinking of her he wondered where she was.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. “She called in,” Midori said after a while. Her hair grew if possible even more unruly as if it wanted to share in her shame. “I'm sorry, but she won't come.”

Ulf forced a smile to his face. “Girl, it's not your fault. Besides, she should have called me instead. Thanks for letting me know,” he added to underscore that he really thought that Midori had only shown consideration.

But it was still a bummer. It wasn't like she had promised him anything, but he had hoped. During all of summer break they had spent less than a day alone together. Ulf shrugged. At the other hand they had spent far more days in each other's company than he had dared hope for to begin with, even if they had shared that time with others. And he would be a poor friend if he didn't give his friends the time they deserved.

And you're rambling. Making excuses when you know that your need for her is endless. He threw Midori and the others an ironic salute and walked to the workspace. Some time on his own while he pretended to work seemed like a good idea.

Noriko had seen through his ruse. She always did, but with a bit of luck she'd play along. He knew she had a crush on him, and he knew he was abusing it a little right now, but he really needed to sit on his own and think things over.