Chapter 28: Peace and Quiet Pain

I felt myself rousing into consciousness, instead of my usual drowsiness I was met with shocking clarity. I didn’t get good sleep the previous night, and with him constantly communicating with me, I hadn’t gotten good sleep for the entire week.

‘Sleep is truly a wonderous thing,’ I thought to myself.

After lying in my bed scrolling on my phone for a few more minutes I finally left the comfort of my mattress. I stretched out and twisted my body side to side, feeling bones satisfyingly crack on each turn. For the first time in several days, I felt completely relaxed, no worries, no anxiety, no stress, just peace. I walked into the bathroom and began brushing my teeth, doing so with a bit more joyous bounce than I had the days prior.

‘If only life could always be like this.’

“You ready for the third selection?” Roland suddenly asked me.

I audibly groaned, toothbrush still in my mouth, as a reminder of the upcoming selection disrupted my peace. Today was the final day before all applicants would begin the final part of the AGH application.

Somewhat upset, I turned towards Roland, making sure my annoyance came out clearly.

“You really gotta interrupt my peace like that?” I said to him.

Instead of apologizing, Roland just put up his arms and laughed. I couldn’t help but smile back at him, I hadn’t known him for very long but he was a very enjoyable person to be around.

In the next few minutes, I had completely prepared myself for the upcoming day. Roland and I walked downstairs together and waited in the living area for Violet and Vivian.

“Roland,” I began to ask, “is it true that it’s common in Ameriac to wear shoes in the house?”

Roland nodded in response to me, “Only partly true. We wear shoes inside of someone else's house while visiting and don’t ask people to remove their shoes when they enter. But we tend to take them off at our own houses to relax.”

“Wait so you would let someone just walk on the carpet in your house with shoes? That they wear outside?” I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of wearing shoes inside a house, it just seemed so unsanitary.

“Uh… yeah I guess we do. Now that you’re mentioning it thought that does seem pretty dirty,” Roland said. I saw him slowly turn to face the area where we had left our shoes. He eyed his own pair of shoes especially closely, as though trying to intimidate them into revealing how much they had dirtied a friend's house.

“You know Mark,” Roland said to me after a few moments, “you can always come to Ameriac if you want to learn about it. I’ll show you around.”

“Really?” I asked. I had never been to Ameriac before, from what I heard though there were plenty of things to do and it had an incredibly rich history. I had recommended to my parents to go several times but I was always outvoted by my siblings to go somewhere else.

“Yeah sure,” Roland said. “As a member of the Nordt family, I can even get you past customs in less than a minute, and as long as you stay with me, you won’t need a visa either.”

‘Damn. I won’t even need a Visa?’

Roland’s statement outlined a clear difference in the two social statuses we had. With both my parents being rather successful doctors I could be considered as part of a relatively wealthy family. At the absolute minimum, I was part of the upper middle class.

But Roland was on an entirely different level, we weren’t even comparable. In terms of wealth, the Nordt family was comparable to the Woo’s of Rokea, the family which Violet came from. This meant that the Nordt’s had a net worth of about 7 trillion dollars. On top of that, the Nordt family's influence in Ameriac, while less than the Woo family’s influence in Rokea, was still impressive and they had multiple members of their family serving as senators. In the past, one Nordt member had even served as the president. In only one way were the Nordt’s decidedly inferior to the Woo’s, that being psychic power. Yet that was only due to the Nordts not possessing an SS-Rank, their S-Rank count was 3 higher than the Woo family at 12.

‘I had forgotten but a lot of the applicants come from families like these. Vivian and I are probably in a minority of regular people.’

I couldn’t help but find it somewhat interesting, how people's perceptions of each other would change when they got to know each other. Violet, for example, I had become comfortable talking to. As I became more familiar with her I began to forget the status she had and the power her family had, along with the fact that I had attacked her a few days prior.

‘Speaking of Violet, where is she?’

As if reading my mind, Violet suddenly appeared on the stairs along with Vivian. The two of them gracefully walked down the stairs as if they were floating.

I couldn’t help but appreciate their beauty. Violet’s skin glowed like the moon and was spotless of any blemishes. Not a hint of acne, not a single pimple, not even a mole existed on her face. Her hair, unlike when we had first met, looked silky smooth and well-groomed. Her appearance as a whole radiated innocent beauty, like a shining light at the end of a dark tunnel, Violet’s appearance was incomparable.

Vivian wasn’t nearly as attractive, although that was like saying someone was weaker than Principal Sever, one of the 100 strongest psychics in the world. Vivian was still, to me, attractive. She didn’t have the beauty that Violet did, but she possessed an infectiously joyous bounce that entrapped my attention. She was also taller than Violet, the top of her head reaching up to my eyes, whereas Violet reached about halfway up my face.

“You guys certainly took your time,” Roland suddenly said sarcastically.

“Well,” Violet responded, “it’s not like breakfast is leaving soon, it’s only 9 am, we have time.”

I was caught off guard by Violet’s casual response. Not only that but looking at her now, she seemed much happier than she had been at any point in the past. A beautiful smile brightened up her face and each step she took felt strangely full of life.

‘Emotion’ I thought, ‘she has emotion.’

Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

I hadn’t noticed it during the second selection, considering the other things on my mind, but Violet was completely unlike how she was when we first met. She seemed to flip-flop between being stone-faced and emotional every other day.

‘Strange…’

…

Several hours later Roland and I were in our room preparing for bed. It was still early, only 8 pm, but we decided to not take any chances. The third selection, being a tournament, was likely entirely combat-based. With everyone at about the same level of strength, our fights would come down to creativity and luck. We couldn’t control luck, but by getting good sleep we could have a fresh mind, ready to think creatively the next day.

‘Of course, that’s only if I can actually sleep tonight with all this stress.’

My anxiety had been increasing continuously as the day had gone on. It had started so peaceful and simple, but by the time I had lunch, I had already lost my appetite from stress. It took significant effort for me to finish a decent amount of food.

I walked into the bathroom and began to brush my teeth. The rhythmic and unchanging motions had a therapeutic effect on me, letting me experience a familiar, easy, mundane task. It washed away a bit of my anxiety and I allowed my thoughts to wander.

‘Hmm… thinking about it.’

The way Roland was acting felt off to me. The third selection was approaching and the stress of the second selection was very recent, yet Roland was completely calm. More than calm in fact, he seemed actively happy. After seeing someone die, slowly and painfully, Roland felt nothing.

‘Should I ask?’ I questioned inwardly.

“Roland?” It wouldn’t hurt just to ask about it.

He turned around and looked at me, his toothbrush still in his mouth.

“Yeah?” He responded. I nearly bust out laughing because a small amount of toothpaste dribbled out of his mouth as he spoke. I bit my tongue to keep myself from laughing before talking again.

“What did you think of the second selection?”

Immediately I noticed his eyes shift away and his body stiffen. It was only a flash, a split moment, and then he turned away from me. He quickly washed his mouth with water and placed his toothbrush down, not answering my question.

‘Shit… looks like he isn’t alright.’

“Roland, you ok?”

“Yeah,” he said. But he hesitated in his response, taking almost 2 whole seconds. And he didn’t turn around to look at me either. Instead, he looked deeply into his eyes reflection in the mirror as if he were looking into a void.

I placed my toothbrush down and walked over to him. I placed my hand on his shoulder, pulling him slightly to get him to look at me. If we were going to have a conversation I needed him to be looking at me and engaging actively in the conversation.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

Roland shook his head and stood up straight, towering above me by 4 inches. He gently removed my hand from his shoulder, shaking his head. Yet despite his gentle mannerisms, his face was tensed unnaturally.

“I told you, Mark, I’m fine,” he responded to me.

He then quickly left the bathroom, returning to his bed, but he didn’t get in it. He just sat there, staring into space. He gave a heavy sigh and shook his head again. He folded his hands together into the prayer position and closed his eyes.

Following his lead I sat down on my bed, directly in front of Roland, and together we sat in silence for a few moments. Eventually, Roland began to shift uncomfortably in front of me, his eyes darting around attempting to find an escape from the conversation that didn’t exist. After what felt like an eternity he sighed and looked me in the eyes again.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” I asked him. This time I made sure my tone was more gentle. Something was indeed something that bothered him, but forcing him to talk about it might push him away. For now, it would be best if he decided for himself.

I could see it in him, an inner conflict. I couldn’t tell what he was conflicted over, only he would know. But it was clear that one part of him wanted to talk, the other part didn’t.

“I don’t know if I can do this Mark,” Roland said all of a sudden.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked back.

“I mean being a hero… it’s brutal. I knew it was brutal, but I didn’t know how bad it was,” he said, gesturing with his arm. “I look fine now, but the truth is I’m terrified. I’m more scared about this than I’ve ever been about anything else in my life.”

Roland gave a pitiful laugh and ran his hands through his hair. His eyes were slightly misty before he wiped his hand over them, returning them to a dry state.

“I bet I look pathetic right now. It’s a lot easier for me to act like nothing is wrong I guess. But after everything that happened, I don’t know if I’m going to become a hero. But if I don’t then I’ll be forced to do whatever my family says forever.”

“Your family?” I asked. From what I knew the Nordt family was considered an exceptionally kind psychic family. But that was only on the outside, Roland was one of their sons, and he would have a far better grasp on who his family was than I ever would.

“I’m a son but not an heir, Mark,” Roland said, “which means that I don’t have the same importance to the family. In psychic families, even nicer ones like mine, non-heirs are political tools. I could be put in an arranged marriage, be forced into a career I don’t want, and if I don’t listen then I could be disowned. Practically the only way out I’ve found is becoming a hero. A family with a hero shows dedication to the people, it may not seem like it but it’s a massive pr move.”

I nodded, it was interesting to learn. Psychic families like the Nordt’s kept their private life under lock and key. Even after over a millennium since their appearance very little was known about the Nordt family.

‘Even the Nordt’s can be heartless like this.’

“I love my parents, and they love me, but this is the culture that’s been engrained into high society. If I become a hero, I’ll at least be able to make my own decisions.” Roland’s voice was tinged with a loving sorrow as he said this.

“So will you be continuing with the application then?” I asked. If Roland decided to drop out of being a hero after experiencing the second selection I wouldn’t blame him. We had gone through hell in there, and we didn’t come out unscathed.

Roland sighed deeply and folded his hands again, but he kept his eyes on me.

“Mark… I’m scared. I’m really fucking scared. I don’t know what to do.”

He sniffled slightly as he said this and I could see his eyes begin to water again. Neither I, nor Violet, nor Vivian, had noticed it, but Roland was possibly the most terrified of us all. As I looked closer I could see his arms and legs shake back and forth uncontrollably. His breathing became more erratic and I could almost hear his heart rate beginning to rise. A tear came down his face, but he didn’t cry.

Without words, I walked to his bed, pulled him onto his feet, and hugged him. With my hand on his back, I could feel his breathing. I could feel him attempt to force his breathing under control, yet his body fought against him.

‘I won’t let you experience this pain alone Roland.’

I felt him put one arm over my shoulder and the other arm under, although neither of us squeezed tightly. I felt tears fall onto my shoulder from Roland’s face, but he didn’t cry. He trembled and shook, but he didn’t cry.

The silence he had was more deafening than any weeping he could have done. I could feel him, begging to cry, wanting to allow himself to release the emotions he had been keeping to himself. But he didn’t. I turned my head and saw him grit his teeth and squeeze his eyes shut. Convulsions came deep from inside his chest, attempting to rise, but he forced them down, he didn’t cry.

I felt his grip on my shirt, pulling at it as he fought against his growing urge to cry. I heard small sounds come from his mouth as he fought to keep away sobs. I could have never imagined that Roland was suffering like this.

I felt my eyes water for him. The second selection was cruel to all of us who took it. We were taught just what a hero would suffer through. An A-Rank hero led a life of wealth and fame, their name known by many. They were an inspiration to all, fighting back against villains and chaos, and putting themselves in harm's way for people they didn’t even know.

But behind the scenes, this is what they experienced. Guilt, regret, hatred, pain, fear, sorrow, trauma, and even more plagued them. In exchange for strength and status, they were the ones who were most affected by their failures. Every day and every night they could be haunted by the memories of people they had failed to save, of people that had called out for help but never received it. More than anyone else, elite heroes knew of the pitiful limits of humanity. Yet every day they came out and fought again and again and again, an endless cycle of fighting for the sake of peace. They smiled, so that people may be comforted, while on the inside they broke apart.

Roland experienced that now. I could feel him holding everything back, trying to fight back against his wellspring of sadness. But we weren’t heroes yet, we weren’t hardened by years of battle, and we weren’t an adult with the years of maturity that came with being one. We were teenagers, walking into a world that we didn’t understand, and we were taught what these heroes knew. But like a hero, Roland did everything he could to hide his pain so that none of us would know what he was experiencing. So that none of us would feel a responsibility to help him.

‘It’s not right. We shouldn’t have to experience this. Roland shouldn’t have to feel this, he shouldn’t have to stay silent like this.’

“Roland, it’s ok to cry,” I told him.

One sob, then two, then three. A series of sobs came from Roland, each one suppressed to the point of near silence but filled with pain. I buried his head into my shoulder and squeezed me to him as tight as he could.

I squeezed him back, trying to provide comfort through it. I could feel him sobbing quietly into my shoulder and now I was the one with tears falling silently. I remembered a night in the past. A night when I had made a haunting decision, one that I can remember vividly to this day. I remembered another night as well, one where I had made a horrific mistake, and others paid the price. This was Roland’s version of those nights, and he may never recover fully from it.

As the two of us stood there I thought about the heroes that I knew. I hadn’t known before, the pain that they experienced, the pain that they knew. Heroes walked with death and failure around them so that everyone else could lead a life of peace.

‘A hero walks through hell alone so that everyone else can smile.’

…

‘...’

‘So you’re back.’

‘...’

‘What do you mean?’

‘...’

‘Someone’s in our dorm?’

End of Chapter 28