"You are a villain, a thief!"

"You'll find that I am quite devoted to law and order, actually," said the human on the monitor, looking hurt.

The invasion was not going as planned.

Earlier…

The invasion-class battleship Zrir'yhz [World Eater] was hot-warping to an unexplored arm of the galaxy. Hot-warping was expensive, and when it came to ships the size of Zrir'yhz the resource costs grew truly absurd. But spies among the fleeing Pret reported back that the Pret had made contact with a planet of sophonts in this region. A treasure, ready to be picked up! Unlike the Pret, these new people lacked faster-than-light travel, and so could not flee the expanding empire. Whichever faction staked claim on the planet first would tremendously benefit, so the Biqum Collective was sparing no expense. The costs of the hot-warp would be regained 100-fold by the cultural resources of 'Earth'.

"Preparing to exit hot-warp," Technical-Officer Qliln informed the admiral. A slight shudder ran through the ship a moment later. "Hot-warp successful. We've reached their heliosphere. [14 hours] to target from this location."

"Good. Once the rest of the fleet materializes, sync controls to our system and prepare to head in." Admiral Acawa was pleased. "Scan for competitors and Pret remnants."

"Sir," objected Ut, the Protocol-Officer, "chasing the Pret is not our assigned task."

"None of either," Military-Advisor Bit'ix reported, "It appears that the Pret fleet cold-warped out as soon as they recharged."

"Shame," Acawa said with a wry smile. Cold-warps take a long time; if the warp remnants were still in this system, the Biqum Collective could hot-warp a fleet to wait for the Pret at their destination. "I suppose we shouldn't be too greedy. A single planet and its billions of fresh citizens will have to satisfy us this time."

"Analyzing broadcasts from the target," said Qliln. "Translation services will be up by the time we arrive."

"Scanning target with long-range sensors. A minimally-damaging invasion plan will be ready at that time," said Bit'ix in a routine tone. This was not their first invasion. "According to the intel, the Earth has nothing that can damage the Zrir'yhz."

"Excellent." Acawa was even more pleased. His crew was performing like a well-trained squad, as expected. This invasion would go off without a hitch.

Almost [14 hours] later…

A hitch appeared.

"Interesting," said Qliln. "There's an Ansinet node nearby." The Ansinet was not controlled by any single empire, but its convenience meant that almost every spacefaring society used it.

"Left behind by the Pret?" speculated Ut. "Convenient for us. If it's in the hands of this world's leader, perhaps we can negotiate their complete surrender without damaging their infrastructure."

"Translation services?"

"Online, 98% complete. The Earth language is surprisingly partitioned such that-"

"Invasion plans?" Acawa interrupted.

"Ready. 5 to 10% estimated destruction of target. Although it's always better if nobody has to fire a shot."

"Make contact," ordered Acawa. 10% destruction averted is 10% more profit for Biqum Collective.

Moments later an Earthling appeared on the ship's node monitor.

"Well howdy! More visitors to Earth? Must be my lucky day!"

"Yes. Surrender, obviously." Acawa cut to the chase.

"Pardon?" The Earthling scratched the fur on its head.

Ut stepped in for a moment. "Are you qualified to speak for your planet?"

The Earthling laughed. "I reckon I am qualified to speak for my planet, yeah."

Ut gave an 'all-good' signal to Acawa and stepped away.

Acawa continued, "Then, as the Earth's representative-"

"Call me Tom."

The Earthling's designation was irrelevant to Acawa, so he ignored it.

"This is an invasion. You have no chance against us. Complete surrender minimizes your suffering. Your people and resources will be allocated to roles we decide. You have no say in this, but you will not be killed. It is your best choice. You have [82 minutes] to decide."

"Oh, sorry, I can decide right now. No. Thank you for asking though."

Acawa paused. There was a chance that the translation was not getting through correctly. "I'm not sure you understand the situation. We are currently approaching your planet..."

"Oh, yes! I can see that. Terribly handy device, this node-thingy. Part space-phone, part Encyclopedia Galactica, and it can show me anything any other node can see, in real-time! It let me know you were coming the moment you left Xirg. That's your home planet, right? Xirg? Terribly handy device…"

"...Yes. And as you can see, we will arrive at our destination shortly. And if you look closely, you will notice that our fleet is made up of very many, very heavily armed, ships. When we arrive, if you have not surrendered by choice, we will force your surrender. With overwhelming force. Due to the numerous heavily armed ships. Is this translation reaching you successfully?"

The Earthling scratched its head again and exposed its teeth in a way that the translating computer described as a 'bashful smile'. "Sorry, the fault is mine. I'm not explaining myself properly. You can't invade Earth. Is that more clear?"

Another pause. "We have many many ships. And they have great big guns. Objectively, we CAN invade Earth. And we are, right now. That is what is currently happening. Are you sure you are understanding our translation?" Acawa was beginning to feel frustrated. It was a rare sensation for him.

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

"My fault again," 'bashful smile', "Invading Earth is illegal. Does that help?"

"Ah," understanding dawned on Acawa, "No. Your Earth laws are irrelevant. The invaders set the rules, see? Laws only work when they're backed by force. And we, the invaders, have the overwhelming force. Understand? We're here representing the Biqum Collective, one of the largest factions in the Redleonan Empire. Surely your Pret friends mentioned us? Why would we be constrained by Earth legality? That does not make sense. We have great big guns. Your guns are not as big. I don't think I can make it any simpler than that."

A 'frown' appeared on the Earthling's face. "Again I have failed. Invading Earth is illegal according to the Redleonan Empire's rules. You said you are part of the empire, right? My understanding is that you guys love to follow the rules."

Acawa glanced at Ut and then back to the node screen. "I believe you are mistaken. Invading unincorporated systems is not against any of our rules."

"Oh, well there you go! That's your misunderstanding. This system is already a part of the Redleonan Empire." The smile returned to its face.

"That…" Acawa was growing more frustrated. Was this Earthling being intentionally foolish? "That does not seem possible. We are the first ships from the empire to reach this system. Therefore, you are not part of the empire yet. But… you will be soon."

The Earthling looked at the node controls in front of it, 'concentration' on its face. "Here, this might help. Sorry again, this system is still new to me. Don't worry though, I'm a fast learner."

"Sir!" Qliln exclaimed. The planet on the ship's internal display suddenly gained a 'Redleonan Empire - Jeipryph Collective' tag.

"The battle computers have halted," Bit'ix announced. It wasn't possible to target friendly systems for invasion.

Acawa looked at Ut meaningfully, while Ut furiously manipulated his station's controls. How could this be happening?

Returning to the node screen, Acawa said "You are not part of the empire. You hacked the node. This will only delay the inevitable. You WILL surrender, or you WILL be subjugated. There is no other outcome possible."

"Oh, no hack necessary. This system, this planet, and even me myself. All part of the Jeipryph Collective, and therefore part of the empire. Sorry you came all this way for nothing. That was probably expensive." 'Smug'

A distraught Ut turned to the admiral. 'True', he signaled.

The expenditure just for the hot-warp would set the Biqum Collective back a bit. Competition between collectives was fierce, and a setback like this might trigger one of the rivals to attack, weakening them further. Collectives had fallen for less in the past.

Acawa's eyes flicked toward Qliln. If they could override the friendly-fire lockout and take this planet anyway...

"I hope you're not thinking of invading a friendly planet," the Earthling said. "The empire's military frowns on that sort of thing. You know, the Redleonan Empire's planet-conquering military? Tend to discourage fighting within the empire, via overwhelming force? They have great big guns. Your guns are not as big. I don't think I can make it any simpler than that."

A long pause. "How?"

"I really was hoping you'd ask," 'smug', "Do you know Rock-Paper-Scissors?"

Ut piped up "An Earth game played by arranging their appendages in specific configurations. The winner seems to be decided by random chance."

"There you go." 'satisfaction'.

A longer pause, but the Earthling remained silent. "I require further explanation." Acawa's frustration had reached an unprecedented level.

"Oh, sure. You're right that my friends the Pret did in fact mention you. The Redleonan Empire, the various factions. It was very interesting. Gave us an Ansinet node and instructed us on how to use it. They were very sorry, you see, to discover intelligent life in a system they were passing through. Inevitably, the empire would follow, and Earth would be lost. Sad, but inevitable."

So far this tracked with Acawa's understanding of the situation. This was not the first time something like this had happened in the empire's long history.

"Inevitable," it continued, "but unacceptable. But what could we do? We had a space-phone and an encyclopedia of galactic knowledge, but what we didn't have was TIME. No time to research technology, no time to prepare the military, no time for any real preventative measures, not nearly enough. Pretty soon, one of the factions would get wind of our existence and head our way. And our time would be up. What we did then would be determined by WHO exactly was coming. Which turned out to be you.

"Ships coming from Xirg. A whole fleet, with lots of guns. Xirg is a planet in the Biqum Collective. So we contacted your friendly rivals, the Jeipryph. In return for pointlessly wasting your resources and weakening the Biqum Collective, they're granting us essentially autonomy while being in-name part of their Collective."

"No," Acawa objected, "no collective would bargain with an outsider system, especially in return for NOTHING. The cost to Biqum is a fraction of your system's worth."

"Oh, we were already part of the empire. They couldn't stake their claim on us anyway, since fighting is not allowed between empire systems. Putting us in-name-only dissuades you from invading and allows them a legal claim for reparations from Biqum if you decide to invade us anyway. It cost them nothing, and might pay off big, if you're stupid. I went over the agreement very carefully. I am a lawyer aftera-"

"You were already part of the empire HOW?" Acawa's record-breaking frustration level was again surpassed.

"Did I not mention?" it tilted its head. "Technically I suppose we're a Drup colony."

"The Drup…" This made even less sense. "Xenophobes. Even if you attempted to contact them through Ansinet, you would fail."

"Yes," the Earthling nodded, "that's why they have vassal races to deal with outsiders. One of those vassals happens to be the Sistolians!" 'proud'.

Another pause. Were Earthlings telepathic? This 'Tom' appeared to think it was sending more information than was being received. What was the significance of the warrior-race Sistolians? Eventually, Acawa had no choice but to prod, "And?"

"Oh, I'm Sistolian." 'confused', "Did I forget to mention that too?"

Acawa stared at the monitor. "You are not Sistolian. You are clearly Earthling."

"Human," said the Earthling. "Yes, I was born a human, but I am now Sistolian for legal purposes."

If it were possible to burst from frustration, the Zrir'yhz bridge would be covered in gore. "HOW?" Acawa raged.

"Adoption. You know how Sistolians capture defeated enemies and raise them as their own? I contacted a Sistolian family through the Ansinet and challenged them to Rock-Paper-Scissors. It took a few matches but I eventually lost. My poor foster-father, he was so confused as to why I insisted he adopt me over a simple game. Although, I guess it might have helped that I own a planet. Having a son with his own planet will certainly make things easier when the family comes to visit."

"Of course you own the planet." Acawa had passed beyond frustration and was entering mania. "Why wouldn't you?! The whole planet? It makes just as much sense!"

The human laughed, "Yeah, you think negotiating my way through the Redleonan Empire was tough? Trying to get all this world's leaders to agree on pizza toppings was harder. Having an invasion fleet on the way sure helped things along though, so thank you. Since the Earth surrendered to me, and I'm Sistolian, and Sistolians are vassals of the Drup, and the Drup are part of the empire..." A second human appeared next to it.

"Mr. Sawyer, we're ready."

"Excellent! I guess I'm done delaying you guys."

A panicked Qliln suddenly exclaimed "Admiral! The ship's systems have gone into remote mode. I'm locked out!"

"Same here," confirmed Bit'ix. Ut said nothing but made worried grunts while trying his own console, to no effect.

"Relax fellas," the human said, "You're in no danger. Negotiations have concluded successfully."

Acawa had gone cross-eyed.

Ut demanded "WHAT negotiations?"

"Oh, negotiations between the Jeipryph and Biqum. For, uh, I guess possession of your fleet? See, because this is a private star system that you are currently trespassing upon, we have 'parking fees' for being within the heliosphere."

"Parking fees?" Ut was incensed. "Never heard of such a thing!"

The human waggled a finger, "Ignorance of the law is no excuse. You should have looked up the rules before your visit."

"What are the fees?" Ut demanded.

"Exorbitant," the human said, as if that explained anything, "It's per-ship too, and you brought very many. So many that I'm not sure even the Biqum Collective could bear the cost. They're the ones truly responsible for paying, right? Didn't you say 'We're here representing the Biqum Collective, one of the largest factions in the Redleonan Empire'?"

Nobody on board the Zrir'yhz could speak.

"Well, we gave the Biqum a choice. Pay the fees they were legally required to pay, OR surrender the fleet. And the crews. Which they did."

Bit'ix closed his eyes. It was a complete defeat, and nobody had fired a shot.

"But like I said," continued the human, "don't worry. Your people and resources will be allocated to roles we decide. You have no say in this, but you will not be killed."

As the fleet autopiloted to the planet, Acawa started laughing and never stopped.